My part in this.
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My part in this.
I've done some reflecting over the past week in the eye of the hurricane while my AH is in rehab and some PMing with a wise soul here. I just want to figure out how I wound up in this situation and get a clearer view of what I have believed was a beautiful relationship. Just take for granted that we had more happy times, laughter, and deep soulful conversations than I could count over the past 5 years. Those moments were plentiful, but those moments helped me ignore real problems. My AH certainly wasn't smoking crack when we met. He was an alcoholic, though. Not a mean one or a scary one, but 5-8 beers per night is not exactly healthy. I enjoy a beer or two some nights, but I can go without alcohol indefinitely, so I guess I dodged an addictive personality bullet there. That isn't to say I haven't abused alcohol in the past two months, mind you. I used it to cope and I've recognized that and will keep an eye out for that behavior in myself when he comes back. I don't want to develop my own problem and I know it could happen.
Let's see...red flags I overlooked and why I think I did:
1. I didn't take his substance abuse seriously enough. AH was an alcoholic and daily pot smoker when I met him. My grandfather was an ALCOHOLIC. Liquor-drinking, abusive, mean, cruel, life-wrecking sociopathic bastard...I thought of alcoholics and I thought of my grandfather. This sweet guy drinking too much beer some nights didn't intimidate me and I erroneously didn't assign much danger to it. I've known tons of people who smoke weed and lead normal and productive lives (that is my assumption not living with them), so I thought that was no big deal either. I don't smoke it, but I guess it had come to be seen as normal as someone having a beer to me. I would have preferred that he didn't drink and smoke weed so much, but I accepted him for who he was and didn't think that was my concern as long as he didn't drive drunk and wasn't abusive.
2. He didn't have much when I met him. He had a car and rented a single-wide trailer on his parent's land. He worked out of town a lot at that time and he was a single man, so I figured he had what he needed. Truth was that he had lost everything due to his first foray into crack ending 3 years previously and having even a car was a big deal to him at the time. He seemed so into recovery that I mostly admired his strength to have overcome an addiction like that. No, I didn't remotely know what I was talking about at that time.
Part of the reason that this wasn't a big enough red flag to me was:
3. I have low expectations and don't expect anyone to meet my needs. I remember sitting outside with him a few weeks before our wedding talking about what it was going to be like for us all to live together and what the role of a stepparent was. He said "I'm not going to raise your children." I turned into Miss Celie in The Color Purple for a second..."When did I ever ask you for anything?? I never asked you for nothin'!", lol. Well, for one, that was rude of him and two, I had spent quite a bit of time helping him "raise" his daughter at that point. Help me raise my children?!? Do something to help me?? What, are you on crack?!?
I had been a single mom for nearly a decade at that point. My ex (seriously bad with money) sort of kind of sometimes pays some child support if I nag him. I learned a long time ago that I couldn't depend on a man to do things for me and that I had to depend on myself. I was so independent that I couldn't conceive of having any expectations of him as a partner. It was a totally foreign experience to move in together and have someone else pay a house payment and know that it was actually going to get paid. Heck, that payment is current now, and I'm amazed.
A partner can get a way with doing very little for me. My AH is not big on buying gifts for birthdays and aside from his daughter, doesn't want to do much of any gift giving for Christmas. Fine, it's not everyone's thing. It hurt me that he was totally uninterested in getting me something, anything, even if it was $5, that he put any thought into for any occasion. I should have expressed that, but I just accepted that he wasn't interested in doing that and never said a word. No point in trying to change a person. We were at the beach on vacation with his family last year during our first wedding anniversary. I thought maybe we'd go out to eat or something, even got dressed up a bit, but no...he got drunk with his brother. Yeah, we spent it "together", but not in any kind of romantic way. I wound up getting drunk too because i was depressed and hurt. Instead of expressing a need, I just thought "whatever. I guess it's just not that important to him. Screw him". I now suspect this sort of stuff is common selfish addict brain behavior.
What is it with me letting my pride get in the way of letting someone know that they've hurt my feelings or that I have unmet needs? I'm not always that way and I had gotten better about telling him in a calm and rational way that something bothered me, but not as much as I should have. Well, I've been very expressive the past couple of months and not so much calm and rational, lol. Hey, crack binges do that to a girl.
Sometimes I get frustrated with how he's working on all of his pain and trauma that caused him to be an addict...as if he's the only one who has pain and trauma? What makes him so damned special? Who doesn't have pain and trauma? I mean, there are reasons that I have my own issues. I may well have been through worse crap than he has in life. He became an addict, I became overly independent and put up walls. So yeah, it's neat that I'll be able to walk away from this if needed, but the reason I can is that I'm so accustomed to being let down by people that my heart knows how to grow cold and shut people out. That's why I was afraid to detach. It seems like I'm either emotionally vulnerable in a relationship, or I'm totally shut off from it. I don't know how to do a middle ground. A slide from codependent to counterdependent probably isn't a healthy thing.
Let's see...red flags I overlooked and why I think I did:
1. I didn't take his substance abuse seriously enough. AH was an alcoholic and daily pot smoker when I met him. My grandfather was an ALCOHOLIC. Liquor-drinking, abusive, mean, cruel, life-wrecking sociopathic bastard...I thought of alcoholics and I thought of my grandfather. This sweet guy drinking too much beer some nights didn't intimidate me and I erroneously didn't assign much danger to it. I've known tons of people who smoke weed and lead normal and productive lives (that is my assumption not living with them), so I thought that was no big deal either. I don't smoke it, but I guess it had come to be seen as normal as someone having a beer to me. I would have preferred that he didn't drink and smoke weed so much, but I accepted him for who he was and didn't think that was my concern as long as he didn't drive drunk and wasn't abusive.
2. He didn't have much when I met him. He had a car and rented a single-wide trailer on his parent's land. He worked out of town a lot at that time and he was a single man, so I figured he had what he needed. Truth was that he had lost everything due to his first foray into crack ending 3 years previously and having even a car was a big deal to him at the time. He seemed so into recovery that I mostly admired his strength to have overcome an addiction like that. No, I didn't remotely know what I was talking about at that time.
Part of the reason that this wasn't a big enough red flag to me was:
3. I have low expectations and don't expect anyone to meet my needs. I remember sitting outside with him a few weeks before our wedding talking about what it was going to be like for us all to live together and what the role of a stepparent was. He said "I'm not going to raise your children." I turned into Miss Celie in The Color Purple for a second..."When did I ever ask you for anything?? I never asked you for nothin'!", lol. Well, for one, that was rude of him and two, I had spent quite a bit of time helping him "raise" his daughter at that point. Help me raise my children?!? Do something to help me?? What, are you on crack?!?
I had been a single mom for nearly a decade at that point. My ex (seriously bad with money) sort of kind of sometimes pays some child support if I nag him. I learned a long time ago that I couldn't depend on a man to do things for me and that I had to depend on myself. I was so independent that I couldn't conceive of having any expectations of him as a partner. It was a totally foreign experience to move in together and have someone else pay a house payment and know that it was actually going to get paid. Heck, that payment is current now, and I'm amazed. A partner can get a way with doing very little for me. My AH is not big on buying gifts for birthdays and aside from his daughter, doesn't want to do much of any gift giving for Christmas. Fine, it's not everyone's thing. It hurt me that he was totally uninterested in getting me something, anything, even if it was $5, that he put any thought into for any occasion. I should have expressed that, but I just accepted that he wasn't interested in doing that and never said a word. No point in trying to change a person. We were at the beach on vacation with his family last year during our first wedding anniversary. I thought maybe we'd go out to eat or something, even got dressed up a bit, but no...he got drunk with his brother. Yeah, we spent it "together", but not in any kind of romantic way. I wound up getting drunk too because i was depressed and hurt. Instead of expressing a need, I just thought "whatever. I guess it's just not that important to him. Screw him". I now suspect this sort of stuff is common selfish addict brain behavior.
What is it with me letting my pride get in the way of letting someone know that they've hurt my feelings or that I have unmet needs? I'm not always that way and I had gotten better about telling him in a calm and rational way that something bothered me, but not as much as I should have. Well, I've been very expressive the past couple of months and not so much calm and rational, lol. Hey, crack binges do that to a girl.
Sometimes I get frustrated with how he's working on all of his pain and trauma that caused him to be an addict...as if he's the only one who has pain and trauma? What makes him so damned special? Who doesn't have pain and trauma? I mean, there are reasons that I have my own issues. I may well have been through worse crap than he has in life. He became an addict, I became overly independent and put up walls. So yeah, it's neat that I'll be able to walk away from this if needed, but the reason I can is that I'm so accustomed to being let down by people that my heart knows how to grow cold and shut people out. That's why I was afraid to detach. It seems like I'm either emotionally vulnerable in a relationship, or I'm totally shut off from it. I don't know how to do a middle ground. A slide from codependent to counterdependent probably isn't a healthy thing.
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On an unrelated note...he "checked in" on FaceBook at his rehab with a nice message about how he is blessed to have this chance to save himself. I had to spend a good hour immediately removing anyone I work with in case anyone tagged me in a comment in the thread and removing anyone who might be friends with my ex-husband on FaceBook. Do not want a custody battle right now! My kids do not at all want to live with their dad. He has a right to know this stuff, but he's one of those verbally/emotionally abusive people (hence the divorce). My current drama isn't fun, but they prefer it to that drama. I prefer no drama, Maybe we can get back to no drama.
Plus, had an influx of texts and such from family and friends who knew nothing about this. WHY post that on FaceBook?? Did he not give a moment's thought to the consequences of that for me? Lol, I know the answer to that. He's not capable right now of thinking of other people.
FaceBook is the devil.
Plus, had an influx of texts and such from family and friends who knew nothing about this. WHY post that on FaceBook?? Did he not give a moment's thought to the consequences of that for me? Lol, I know the answer to that. He's not capable right now of thinking of other people.
FaceBook is the devil.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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For the future, there is a way to somewhat control who sees tagging on FB.
I've set mine up so if people tag me on posts, I have to approve of first before it enters my timeline.
I've also got it set up that tagged posts are only viewed by a custom group. No need for work colleagues to see every post I'm tagged in.
If you go to your profile, then go to the lower right hand corner of your cover picture, there are two white boxes. The second box is split in two with a gray line. that's the one you want. You'll see three dots there. Click on the three dots, click on Timeline Settings, and then go to town.
I don't get notified on other people's tagged comments. The only person who gets notification is the person tagged. When I want to share a link and give attribution, I don't do it in the post. I'll post a comment immediately below and tag there. It's a less obtrusive way of thanking someone.
You can also turn off notifcations on a specific post (I use this a LOT), but whether or not it stops notification when your tagged I'm not sure.
I've set mine up so if people tag me on posts, I have to approve of first before it enters my timeline.
I've also got it set up that tagged posts are only viewed by a custom group. No need for work colleagues to see every post I'm tagged in.
If you go to your profile, then go to the lower right hand corner of your cover picture, there are two white boxes. The second box is split in two with a gray line. that's the one you want. You'll see three dots there. Click on the three dots, click on Timeline Settings, and then go to town.
I don't get notified on other people's tagged comments. The only person who gets notification is the person tagged. When I want to share a link and give attribution, I don't do it in the post. I'll post a comment immediately below and tag there. It's a less obtrusive way of thanking someone.
You can also turn off notifcations on a specific post (I use this a LOT), but whether or not it stops notification when your tagged I'm not sure.
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Location: W Washington
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ah the plot thickens....and a lot of this makes much more "sense" to me now. i first understood your AH to be Clean AND Sober for 8 years. now being clean off crack IS a big deal......but leaving the alcoholism to run abated is just asking for trouble. it's not as a big a jump from drinking to using, as it would be from going from 100% C&S to hitting the pipe.
it's very good to that you are reviewing your history and seeing the "tells" and red flags. you were never COMPLICIT, but as you say you just didn't KNOW. what has been seen can't be UNseen, so this new narrative is now part of the story. and it does change things.....
lots to think, ponder and mull............preferably over some Ben 'n Jerry's........
it's very good to that you are reviewing your history and seeing the "tells" and red flags. you were never COMPLICIT, but as you say you just didn't KNOW. what has been seen can't be UNseen, so this new narrative is now part of the story. and it does change things.....
lots to think, ponder and mull............preferably over some Ben 'n Jerry's........
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart 
For the future, there is a way to somewhat control who sees tagging on FB.
I've set mine up so if people tag me on posts, I have to approve of first before it enters my timeline.
I've also got it set up that tagged posts are only viewed by a custom group. No need for work colleagues to see every post I'm tagged in.
If you go to your profile, then go to the lower right hand corner of your cover picture, there are two white boxes. The second box is split in two with a gray line. that's the one you want. You'll see three dots there. Click on the three dots, click on Timeline Settings, and then go to town.
I don't get notified on other people's tagged comments. The only person who gets notification is the person tagged. When I want to share a link and give attribution, I don't do it in the post. I'll post a comment immediately below and tag there. It's a less obtrusive way of thanking someone.
You can also turn off notifcations on a specific post (I use this a LOT), but whether or not it stops notification when your tagged I'm not sure.
I've set mine up so if people tag me on posts, I have to approve of first before it enters my timeline.
I've also got it set up that tagged posts are only viewed by a custom group. No need for work colleagues to see every post I'm tagged in.
If you go to your profile, then go to the lower right hand corner of your cover picture, there are two white boxes. The second box is split in two with a gray line. that's the one you want. You'll see three dots there. Click on the three dots, click on Timeline Settings, and then go to town.
I don't get notified on other people's tagged comments. The only person who gets notification is the person tagged. When I want to share a link and give attribution, I don't do it in the post. I'll post a comment immediately below and tag there. It's a less obtrusive way of thanking someone.
You can also turn off notifcations on a specific post (I use this a LOT), but whether or not it stops notification when your tagged I'm not sure.
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Originally Posted by Deelilah
3. I have low expectations and don't expect anyone to meet my needs. So yeah, it's neat that I'll be able to walk away from this if needed, but the reason I can is that I'm so accustomed to being let down by people that my heart knows how to grow cold and shut people out. That's why I was afraid to detach. It seems like I'm either emotionally vulnerable in a relationship, or I'm totally shut off from it. I don't know how to do a middle ground.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
ah the plot thickens....and a lot of this makes much more "sense" to me now. i first understood your AH to be Clean AND Sober for 8 years. now being clean off crack IS a big deal......but leaving the alcoholism to run abated is just asking for trouble. it's not as a big a jump from drinking to using, as it would be from going from 100% C&S to hitting the pipe.
it's very good to that you are reviewing your history and seeing the "tells" and red flags. you were never COMPLICIT, but as you say you just didn't KNOW. what has been seen can't be UNseen, so this new narrative is now part of the story. and it does change things.....
lots to think, ponder and mull............preferably over some Ben 'n Jerry's........
it's very good to that you are reviewing your history and seeing the "tells" and red flags. you were never COMPLICIT, but as you say you just didn't KNOW. what has been seen can't be UNseen, so this new narrative is now part of the story. and it does change things.....
lots to think, ponder and mull............preferably over some Ben 'n Jerry's........
My bad, it's entirely possible that I didn't mention that he was drinking all this time. That became so not a big deal once crack showed up! He did quit drinking during all this weeks before he left for rehab. It was just a replacement for his DOC anyhow. Once he had crack back, he didn't need the rest.
My thoughts are that he's a chaos junkie. He needs an obsession. Everything was exciting when we first got together. The next year he got obsessed with tattoos and got a handful, then it was guns (though he doesn't hunt and has rarely shot any of them) and then it was the wedding and then it was the house and then it was....nothing. Just normal life. And he couldn't handle it. Suddenly it was just adult life and he didn't know how to deal. He got "bored". He was trying to fit into a role that he wasn't equipped for. He didn't have the maturity or emotional stability for it.
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correction - UNABATED. sheesh.
My thoughts are that he's a chaos junkie. He needs an obsession. Everything was exciting when we first got together. The next year he got obsessed with tattoos and got a handful, then it was guns (though he doesn't hunt and has rarely shot any of them) and then it was the wedding and then it was the house and then it was....nothing. Just normal life. And he couldn't handle it. Suddenly it was just adult life and he didn't know how to deal. He got "bored". He was trying to fit into a role that he wasn't equipped for. He didn't have the maturity or emotional stability for it.
that is a very rational and truthful assessment. from the bird's-eye view no less!!!
My thoughts are that he's a chaos junkie. He needs an obsession. Everything was exciting when we first got together. The next year he got obsessed with tattoos and got a handful, then it was guns (though he doesn't hunt and has rarely shot any of them) and then it was the wedding and then it was the house and then it was....nothing. Just normal life. And he couldn't handle it. Suddenly it was just adult life and he didn't know how to deal. He got "bored". He was trying to fit into a role that he wasn't equipped for. He didn't have the maturity or emotional stability for it.
that is a very rational and truthful assessment. from the bird's-eye view no less!!!
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
correction - UNABATED. sheesh.
My thoughts are that he's a chaos junkie. He needs an obsession. Everything was exciting when we first got together. The next year he got obsessed with tattoos and got a handful, then it was guns (though he doesn't hunt and has rarely shot any of them) and then it was the wedding and then it was the house and then it was....nothing. Just normal life. And he couldn't handle it. Suddenly it was just adult life and he didn't know how to deal. He got "bored". He was trying to fit into a role that he wasn't equipped for. He didn't have the maturity or emotional stability for it.
that is a very rational and truthful assessment. from the bird's-eye view no less!!!
My thoughts are that he's a chaos junkie. He needs an obsession. Everything was exciting when we first got together. The next year he got obsessed with tattoos and got a handful, then it was guns (though he doesn't hunt and has rarely shot any of them) and then it was the wedding and then it was the house and then it was....nothing. Just normal life. And he couldn't handle it. Suddenly it was just adult life and he didn't know how to deal. He got "bored". He was trying to fit into a role that he wasn't equipped for. He didn't have the maturity or emotional stability for it.
that is a very rational and truthful assessment. from the bird's-eye view no less!!!
He's going to have to make some drastic personality changes to have any hope at all.
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I think ADHD is common in addicts period.......whoops, there goes a chicken..........lol.
I told specialists when my son was 4 years old that he had it. Diagnosis came back "inconclusive". 20 years later (and a hot mess), he gets a conclusive diagnosis.......go figure........
I told specialists when my son was 4 years old that he had it. Diagnosis came back "inconclusive". 20 years later (and a hot mess), he gets a conclusive diagnosis.......go figure........
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Originally Posted by Whitewingeddove
I think ADHD is common in addicts period.......whoops, there goes a chicken..........lol.
I told specialists when my son was 4 years old that he had it. Diagnosis came back "inconclusive". 20 years later (and a hot mess), he gets a conclusive diagnosis.......go figure........
I told specialists when my son was 4 years old that he had it. Diagnosis came back "inconclusive". 20 years later (and a hot mess), he gets a conclusive diagnosis.......go figure........
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