Why be surprised? Why do I care?!

Old 05-14-2017, 03:46 PM
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Why be surprised? Why do I care?!

Yesterday my AW chose to come and see our son for a bit. She visited for a while got her mother's day arts and crafts and the card I helped him get. She spent a lot of time on her phone and in between saying she had to go to NA for a mother's day dinner, how her she was doing good cleaning houses and so on like everything is normal.
Mothers day comes and she no shows to the cook out at her mom and dad's that she told our little guy she would be at. He was so excited.
She knows I don't believe she is working NA, yet still tells me she going. She just continues to disappoint our son with not following through when she says she will be there.
For what ever reason I still hope for her. I still care. She isn't healthy for any of us. She hasn't committed to a recovery program and has made it clear she isn't going to.
Why the hell does my heart even give a ****?
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Old 05-14-2017, 04:25 PM
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it's totally NORMAL to want your son's MOTHER to be his mother. and the "expect" that just seeing his sweet face would melt all the "evil" away and snap her out of it.

and yet she can't be bothered. there is something damaged inside of her.

now that the big MOM event is passed, you can lower expectations, limit visitation, and not let the kid get set up for disappointment. and that means to protect him from her.

which totally blows, but it is what it is.

you're a great dad.
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Old 05-15-2017, 09:48 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
it's totally NORMAL to want your son's MOTHER to be his mother. and the "expect" that just seeing his sweet face would melt all the "evil" away and snap her out of it.

and yet she can't be bothered. there is something damaged inside of her.

now that the big MOM event is passed, you can lower expectations, limit visitation, and not let the kid get set up for disappointment. and that means to protect him from her.

which totally blows, but it is what it is.

you're a great dad.
AnvilheadII
Expectations are definitely lowered. The late afternoon text of "I'm sorry, started my period and cramping super bad. " coupled with "I would come by but sounds like I shouldn't. " We're the icing on the cake of BS.
I am sorry for our son and daughter that their mom is lost to addiction. My daughter is strong for a 16 year old. She just assume she doesn't come. She said last night that mom stopped being mom when she chose to do drugs.
My son is 5 and as hard as it is your rite about protecting him from the emotional pain this continues to inflict.
I'm thinking of asking my lawyer if he can request clean hair follicle test and random drug screens to go with supervised visits.
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Old 05-15-2017, 04:23 PM
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We adults can handle (or not handle) what addiction does to our relationships but for a young child to have to even try to understand what's wrong with mommy, is just heart breaking.

You ARE a great dad, the children are lucky to have you.

Hugs
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Old 05-21-2017, 08:17 AM
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Ann and Anvil
I very much appreciate your replies. Yall saying I'm a great dad has been working on my mind. I don't really see it. I feel as I'm just being dad and doing what a parent need to do. What I'm supposed to be doing.
A date has been set for the divorce. I thought I may feel something different with it approaching. Honestly, I feel empty. I have no closure. I feel like the person we lost is still out there.
My mind know that the addiction still controls and she isn't healthy for us.
My heart still longs for the woman that loved us.
I pray for all of us and still move forward.
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Old 05-21-2017, 09:59 AM
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What might closure look like to you?

It's usually the person who doesn't want to let go that seeks closure from the person who's already left the relationship. I think closure happens right after we accept that letting go and moving on is more important then projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.

((hugs))
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Old 05-21-2017, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
What might closure look like to you?

It's usually the person who doesn't want to let go that seeks closure from the person who's already left the relationship. I think closure happens right after we accept that letting go and moving on is more important then projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.

((hugs))
That's is a very good question atalose. One that I have asked myself. I believe I'm at the cross road of my mind and heart coming together.

It took a long time to get my head leading the controls over my heart. To make intelligent decisions instead of emotional ones.

Part of that journey was finding who I was again. (I'm still working on that guy.) He would have closed the door, locked it, hammered a few nails and walked away.

I know dealing with addiction changed me. Becoming a father changed me.
Sorting out the good changes from the bad ones seems to be the trick.

Thank you for helping to draw a focus. I need that.

Take care
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Old 05-21-2017, 10:39 AM
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In prayer, place her in God's hands and
continue to pray for her because she is
sick.

Isn't that what we do when those we care
about are sick?
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Old 05-21-2017, 12:58 PM
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Yall saying I'm a great dad has been working on my mind. I don't really see it. I feel as I'm just being dad and doing what a parent need to do. What I'm supposed to be doing.

You're right, of course. However, I honestly think it is an accomplishment in and of itself to do what we're supposed to be doing when we're involved with an addict. You're right, it changes us and damages us. It twists us up. It makes what would have been an easy and obvious situation with another partner so much harder to comprehend. Our minds get screwed with.

You're giving your kids a gift by being a good responsible dad. They desperately need one sane parent.
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Old 05-21-2017, 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by aasharon90 View Post
In prayer, place her in God's hands and
continue to pray for her because she is
sick.

Isn't that what we do when those we care
about are sick?
I agree and pray daily for her, the kids and I. I have heard and read many times that he helps those that help themselves and reach for his guidance.

I took a smack or 3 for me to listen when I asked for help and guidance and the obvious answer was staring me in the face. Which was take care of me and the kids over anything else.
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Old 05-21-2017, 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Deelilah View Post
Yall saying I'm a great dad has been working on my mind. I don't really see it. I feel as I'm just being dad and doing what a parent need to do. What I'm supposed to be doing.

You're right, of course. However, I honestly think it is an accomplishment in and of itself to do what we're supposed to be doing when we're involved with an addict. You're right, it changes us and damages us. It twists us up. It makes what would have been an easy and obvious situation with another partner so much harder to comprehend. Our minds get screwed with.

You're giving your kids a gift by being a good responsible dad. They desperately need one sane parent.
Deelilah
Your on target that it screwed with our minds. 18 years ago when we met I would have put up with zero drugs and the behavoir that goes with it.

As I dig me back out. I ask myself sometimes how the heck I got here.

It's not any different than any of the other threads I read here. It didn't happen over night. It was slow changes over time that I over looked because I didn't want to see them. (Working on that too. ) that got me here.
Now that I'm here I'm trying to get my head twisted back on strait on the main people in my life that didn't have a choice in all this. The kiddos
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