hope778

Quick recap... AH is a drug addict. DOC is heroin. Due to the roller coaster of his half hearted attempts at recovery which repeatedly lead to relapse, on top of the continuation of lying, stealing, being gone a lot, etc I made him leave. We have not been living together (or talking much for that matter) for a few months. In those months I detached further, understanding I need to take my hand out of the equation entirely and let him decide if and when he was ready to go after sobriety. I've also taken this opportunity to spend more time with family, and taken care of "me" things...

He ended up reaching out to me a few days ago, telling me he wanted to go to outpatient. Problem is, because of his addiction, he has no job, money, car, etc. I'm not naive (anymore). I know addicts are extremely resourceful. But I know also he is about as low as you can get in life, and if you were wanting to start rebuilding your life from the point he's at, you'd need some sort of help.

Enter, me. I agreed to take him to the outpatient facility whenever he needs to go. (Until he has the means to take himself). He has been told he can't come back home right now. Too many trust issues/too much damage right now. Granted, I'm working on that, but it will take serious time.

Anyways, my question is... Am I enabling? I'm taking him to appts, and also foresee giving him rides to potential upcoming job interviews he's applying for.

I don't know. What do you guys and ladies think? Any advice?

hopeful4

Don't give him a dime. No money at all.

If he is arranging everything else himself, I don't think giving him a ride is enabling him, if no public transportation is available. If it is, I would buy him bus tickets, etc.(no money exchange). I only say this b/c he is your husband, and I do believe if he has reached out for recovery and is doing the work to arrange it all, there is something to that. I am a firm believer that the more work an addict puts into their own recovery, the more they can get out.

If he were asking you to get it arranged, be in charge of his recovery, no way. I would also not expect anything. Absolutely nothing. Prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.

So you say he has nothing, so I am going to assume you have already protected yourself financially and in your housing situation? If not, do so, immediately.

This is just my .02 for what it's worth.

Hugs.

atalose

There is a million miles between saying he wants to go and actually going.

I'd use extreme caution on offering based on just his words at this point in time, no matter how down and out he is and your only thinking is he can only go up..........don't be fooled.

My other thought is, out-patient and job seeking - he's not really focused on just recovery alone at this point.........use caution.

AnvilheadII

here's the sticky wicket for me....

he has NO money, NO job, NO car and now needs HELP to get to appointments etc.

however, with those same set of parameters, he managed to find dope and get high............

i get that we should help those who wish to help themselves. i just think given your history, you should be very cautious about how far you involve yourself. you are not the only person with a working vehicle in the tri-state area. you are not his only hope, Obi Wan.........

hope778

Lord knows I learned that a long time ago. It only took a few times too many of him not using it for what he promised it was for to finally wake up and realize giving him money was NOT an option. I have gone with him and paid the first payment needed for outpatient...

I thought the same thing. Of course not getting my hopes up though.

Sad, but true. Very true.

Yes, this is done. Bank account, home, car, in my name.

Thanks, Hopeful

hope778

I had the same thought. Really want him to get to the point where he is nearly obsessing over recovery like he was drugs... Sounds kindof weird... In a healthy way of course.

hope778

Yep. And somehow has managed to stay fed without my help. So he enlisted the help for that from someone else/other people he was staying with.

This is where I will need to tread cautiously... Knowing how much is too much, and knowing when to turn it off so he can take over...

JOIE12

I think you can see what is going on. It's your heart that says - oh just one more chance.

The mind and body speak truth, the heart is emotion. Cannot be depended upon.

It hasn't changed up til now. What makes you think that this time it's the golden egg ?

Ann

Helping them get to treatment or positive recovery places when there is no bus or any other way, isn't enabling from where I sit...UNLESS it inconveniences you, such that you have to arrange your schedule to fit his.

You sound pretty grounded, do what feels right for you but trust your instincts.

Good luck.

P.S. It is okay to say no, if that's what your instincts say.