A letter to my boyfriend in recovery... Should I send it?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 13
A letter to my boyfriend in recovery... Should I send it?
I am 26 my boyfriend is 34. We have been in a relationship for 2 years. Last November, he began using heroin and I did not find out until 8 months passed by. He is an immigrant trying to make a life for himself in America.
Below is a letter I just finished drafting. In reading it, you will learn all about our relationship--past, present, and hopes for the future. I would like any advice on how to deal with what I am going through... the letter really explains well. I am not sure if I should give it to him. I would read it to him in person if I do. I would appreciate any and all advice...
________________________________________________
20 October 2014
Dear ********,
Why I Love You
The idea of life without you is, by far, the most terrifying thought I have ever experienced. I was forced to live it once last year when you left me, and my spirit felt so worn and broken that I did not recognize myself in the mirror until the light of having you in my life again returned.
Of course I did not recognize myself, because in coming to know you I came to know so much about myself. I learned and grew intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and intimately. I continue to. You have always known how to get to my core, my center. It was like I finally met a person with a map to my body and heart. You knew all the directions. When I was body-insecure you wanted me naked. And I realized that I was enough, and I felt like a woman. This was such an enormous realization, such a shock and change to what I always thought about myself, that it made me love you that much more. When I commented on how comfortable you seemed in your own skin, you told me: “Well, I’m 33--if I’m not comfortable now, then I never will be!” This comment stuck with me so much, and I took your words and adopted them for myself. I developed so much comfort in myself as a result of simply watching you, how you think and feel and process various perspectives in life. I became less judgemental, and more open. See, I have always been so observant and taken so much from the time I have spent with you--even though you have said many times that you hardly participated in our relationship. I guess I have always participated more, but it was always because I felt there was something more for me here to take away. Something between us that I wouldn’t let go.
When you were gone for those brief weeks after you left me last September, I grieved for all the learning I would miss. I felt sorry for all the shared life experiences we would not have. But then you came back--and my heart grew so big, exploded like an old star. When you came to my performances, I always danced for you. When you came inside the church on Easter with me, I knew it was uncomfortable for you. But it meant so much to have you there, by my side. I was proud to put my arm in your’s and hang onto you, walking through crowds. I never cared what anyone thought of us (I still don’t) because I always, always, always believed that one day everyone would see this crazy love between us. That they would see how much we added to each others’ lives--how we became better people when we met each other. I was becoming a better person in our relationship. I thought it was mutual.
Our Current Relationship
Slowly, I started spending more and more time wishing and hoping things would improve faster. And now? I spend almost 100% of my time wishing and hoping. It’s not for what you might think… A car, a new place. Sure, those things are necessary. But it’s not what I spend my prayers on. I spend them on your wellbeing, your happiness, your confidence, your success. Because I know that if you have these intangible things, this health in your soul and brain, that getting those necessities in life will be easy. Making those decisions would be easy.
We have a relationship in which I constantly worry, am suspicious of you at all times, and barely trust you. You play a person that is trying to get off the most addictive drug in the world, move to a better part of time, change jobs, and maintain this relationship, and in general work to stabilize yourself from day-to-day living to something more sustainable.
In between all of this, we are trying to hold the pieces of what we have together--but the pieces are so chopped up and broken, that it may be more feasible to give up. We have both thought about giving up on our relationship--more than once. But of course, the thought of hurting each other kills our effort to cut it. The minute either of us tries, it feels like a mistake. It feels like we are giving up on our best chance for sharing that one true love, the kind of love from epic movies and famous literature. It feels like, yes, we could find happiness with another--but it would not be this ultimate love. It just wouldn’t be it. We might regret it forever. We might not ever get over it.
Yes, our relationship is not healthy. But, again, it does not mean that one day it could be.
Heroin has taken over your life. It still has a grip upon your life. Though you say you attend the clinic every day, my newly suspicious nature tells me that something is not adding up. Today we spoke just before 12:00 noon, and you called around 4pm telling me that you started work around the time that we hung up, 12:00 noon. So, when did you go to the clinic? It would not make sense to get your bike out, work, put it away, go to the clinic, come back, and then continue working. So when did it happen? It appears, to me, that you did not go to the clinic today. So, you’re either using heroin or you’re using methadone from the street in my mind.
I know this feeling, because I felt it for many months. It feels like something is very wrong. You admitted that sometimes you buy methadone on street. And many days you are still broke without a dollar, you have to borrow from everyone, your sleep cycles are incredibly disputive. You still have trouble getting back to me on time. You work so much but never have a dollar. We spend time in my car because you can’t afford to let me in your room. You say that the pedicab business is slow, but I have heard that before. In the past, it wasn’t actually slow business, it was that you were not working. You worked until you had enough for survival and your habit, and not an ounce more. You began the 21 methadone detox program in early September. Now October is almost ending and you still have not tapered down and are approaching an even worse addiction, one that is harder to quit--that is, IF you are even attending that clinic. You are approaching 2 months of methadone treatment after telling me it would be a month, maximum. It feels like you are not telling me something important. Some knowledge that I should have access to in order to make decisions about my own life.
It is October and by now we should be running together or taking long fast walks, going to the sauna, seeing movies, and filling ourselves with new positive memories to wash away the old ugly ones. We should have already made our goal boards. We could have already starting having sex again even, which would help you feel more positive. We should be saying only good things, looking forward to the future as the present slowly but surely improves. We should be saying things like: it’s not perfect, it’s not where we want to be yet--but it IS getting better. We should have proof that things ARE better than they WERE.
We have no such proof.
I have made time for you, to see you many times a week to help you through this and be there for you--but you have to work. You HAVE to work. You have to work every single day. And so there is no time. It is always an “emergency” that you must work.
There is no time because you have to work almost every hour that you are awake. You have to do this because you are not free of your addiction. If you were, you would have enough money to take off certain hours to fill your life with more positive things.
You are so, so, so unhappy that you have to “start over” here, but the truth is, your life would be a lot further along if you had not decided to start using opiates again. You know this, but you have not fully accepted this. Once you accept this, it will not matter how much time you wasted. What will matter is how much time you have left, and how excited you are to begin anew. To have that chance. Heroin would have killed you--and depending on whether or not it is still a part of your life--it still can.
Heroin, or any drug at all, does not give a **** about you. Your dreams, your daughter, your relationship, your living situation--this drug, and all others, laughs at everything that matters to you and puts itself first. It bulldozes everything you love in life.
Not. One. Single. ****. Negative *****, even.
It has impacted every single person in your life in ways that you cannot understand as the user. Your family would be in immense pain to learn what you have put yourself through. Your daughter has not received the support she needs from her father. I myself have learned to tell my needs to shut the **** up, because they were never being met. My own family and friends have been crushed by the situation, because they see me in such deep honest pain. They knew how happy I was, how happy I could be. But they see it is not happening.
As the user, you can only understand yourself. But you cannot understand watching the person you love destroy themselves. And that is the person I am. It’s almost worse--because I feel like if I could just jump into your brain and make your decisions moment to moment, then I could make you okay and feel better. But I cannot. All I can do is watch as this thing continues to kill everything around you, including YOU, like a damn cancer.
I am so scared to be without you, but something deep inside me tells me that I must. I feel that we have become dependent upon one another in unhealthy ways. Just because something is comfortable, doesn’t mean it is right. What we have currently is not right, but it does not mean that one day it can be.
For a healthy relationship to bloom, we both have to be healthy. We both need to change for the better. We both need to make up the rules of our life and live by them.
If we take a break, I feel that we are still meant to be. I know that I could take a break from our relationship and come back into it happier and stronger at a later date. I know that I would not touch another man during this time as I will be too preoccupied with my own health and career and looking forward to a future with you, even if we are not fully together. I know I will be looking for my own independence and working towards moving out into my own apartment.
In the meantime, I can picture how a break from our relationship would allow you to make more progress. You would not need to worry about my suspicion, my crying at night, my loss of sleep, my need for texts and calls, making time for me. You wouldn’t need to worry about making me feel “stable”. All of this might be a stress lifting off your shoulders, and you would be free to make the life decisions you need to make independent of my input and worry and sadness. You would not need to worry about making my sad any more during this time. You would be free to focus all of your time and energy into focusing on yourself and the quality of your life.
You may decide that America is not for you. That your recovery would be most successful back home. This is not a light decision to make, but you may decide that this is the path that you must take. Sometimes in life we have to go down paths that we don’t understand and we don’t agree with--and then, later, we see it was for the best, actually.
However, you may decide America IS for you. For you, America is your new home and you’re going to make it the best for you that can you. That you have spent so much time here and that your dreams are still very alive. You may still be motivated to clean up completely and turn your life around. When that happens, you may decide that you want me back in your life. And I will be waiting for that, if you decide this.
With all the love a human can possibly offer, I love you honestly with every cell in my body every neurotransmitter in my brain--
Your love,
Marina
Below is a letter I just finished drafting. In reading it, you will learn all about our relationship--past, present, and hopes for the future. I would like any advice on how to deal with what I am going through... the letter really explains well. I am not sure if I should give it to him. I would read it to him in person if I do. I would appreciate any and all advice...
________________________________________________
20 October 2014
Dear ********,
Why I Love You
The idea of life without you is, by far, the most terrifying thought I have ever experienced. I was forced to live it once last year when you left me, and my spirit felt so worn and broken that I did not recognize myself in the mirror until the light of having you in my life again returned.
Of course I did not recognize myself, because in coming to know you I came to know so much about myself. I learned and grew intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and intimately. I continue to. You have always known how to get to my core, my center. It was like I finally met a person with a map to my body and heart. You knew all the directions. When I was body-insecure you wanted me naked. And I realized that I was enough, and I felt like a woman. This was such an enormous realization, such a shock and change to what I always thought about myself, that it made me love you that much more. When I commented on how comfortable you seemed in your own skin, you told me: “Well, I’m 33--if I’m not comfortable now, then I never will be!” This comment stuck with me so much, and I took your words and adopted them for myself. I developed so much comfort in myself as a result of simply watching you, how you think and feel and process various perspectives in life. I became less judgemental, and more open. See, I have always been so observant and taken so much from the time I have spent with you--even though you have said many times that you hardly participated in our relationship. I guess I have always participated more, but it was always because I felt there was something more for me here to take away. Something between us that I wouldn’t let go.
When you were gone for those brief weeks after you left me last September, I grieved for all the learning I would miss. I felt sorry for all the shared life experiences we would not have. But then you came back--and my heart grew so big, exploded like an old star. When you came to my performances, I always danced for you. When you came inside the church on Easter with me, I knew it was uncomfortable for you. But it meant so much to have you there, by my side. I was proud to put my arm in your’s and hang onto you, walking through crowds. I never cared what anyone thought of us (I still don’t) because I always, always, always believed that one day everyone would see this crazy love between us. That they would see how much we added to each others’ lives--how we became better people when we met each other. I was becoming a better person in our relationship. I thought it was mutual.
Our Current Relationship
Slowly, I started spending more and more time wishing and hoping things would improve faster. And now? I spend almost 100% of my time wishing and hoping. It’s not for what you might think… A car, a new place. Sure, those things are necessary. But it’s not what I spend my prayers on. I spend them on your wellbeing, your happiness, your confidence, your success. Because I know that if you have these intangible things, this health in your soul and brain, that getting those necessities in life will be easy. Making those decisions would be easy.
We have a relationship in which I constantly worry, am suspicious of you at all times, and barely trust you. You play a person that is trying to get off the most addictive drug in the world, move to a better part of time, change jobs, and maintain this relationship, and in general work to stabilize yourself from day-to-day living to something more sustainable.
In between all of this, we are trying to hold the pieces of what we have together--but the pieces are so chopped up and broken, that it may be more feasible to give up. We have both thought about giving up on our relationship--more than once. But of course, the thought of hurting each other kills our effort to cut it. The minute either of us tries, it feels like a mistake. It feels like we are giving up on our best chance for sharing that one true love, the kind of love from epic movies and famous literature. It feels like, yes, we could find happiness with another--but it would not be this ultimate love. It just wouldn’t be it. We might regret it forever. We might not ever get over it.
Yes, our relationship is not healthy. But, again, it does not mean that one day it could be.
Heroin has taken over your life. It still has a grip upon your life. Though you say you attend the clinic every day, my newly suspicious nature tells me that something is not adding up. Today we spoke just before 12:00 noon, and you called around 4pm telling me that you started work around the time that we hung up, 12:00 noon. So, when did you go to the clinic? It would not make sense to get your bike out, work, put it away, go to the clinic, come back, and then continue working. So when did it happen? It appears, to me, that you did not go to the clinic today. So, you’re either using heroin or you’re using methadone from the street in my mind.
I know this feeling, because I felt it for many months. It feels like something is very wrong. You admitted that sometimes you buy methadone on street. And many days you are still broke without a dollar, you have to borrow from everyone, your sleep cycles are incredibly disputive. You still have trouble getting back to me on time. You work so much but never have a dollar. We spend time in my car because you can’t afford to let me in your room. You say that the pedicab business is slow, but I have heard that before. In the past, it wasn’t actually slow business, it was that you were not working. You worked until you had enough for survival and your habit, and not an ounce more. You began the 21 methadone detox program in early September. Now October is almost ending and you still have not tapered down and are approaching an even worse addiction, one that is harder to quit--that is, IF you are even attending that clinic. You are approaching 2 months of methadone treatment after telling me it would be a month, maximum. It feels like you are not telling me something important. Some knowledge that I should have access to in order to make decisions about my own life.
It is October and by now we should be running together or taking long fast walks, going to the sauna, seeing movies, and filling ourselves with new positive memories to wash away the old ugly ones. We should have already made our goal boards. We could have already starting having sex again even, which would help you feel more positive. We should be saying only good things, looking forward to the future as the present slowly but surely improves. We should be saying things like: it’s not perfect, it’s not where we want to be yet--but it IS getting better. We should have proof that things ARE better than they WERE.
We have no such proof.
I have made time for you, to see you many times a week to help you through this and be there for you--but you have to work. You HAVE to work. You have to work every single day. And so there is no time. It is always an “emergency” that you must work.
There is no time because you have to work almost every hour that you are awake. You have to do this because you are not free of your addiction. If you were, you would have enough money to take off certain hours to fill your life with more positive things.
You are so, so, so unhappy that you have to “start over” here, but the truth is, your life would be a lot further along if you had not decided to start using opiates again. You know this, but you have not fully accepted this. Once you accept this, it will not matter how much time you wasted. What will matter is how much time you have left, and how excited you are to begin anew. To have that chance. Heroin would have killed you--and depending on whether or not it is still a part of your life--it still can.
Heroin, or any drug at all, does not give a **** about you. Your dreams, your daughter, your relationship, your living situation--this drug, and all others, laughs at everything that matters to you and puts itself first. It bulldozes everything you love in life.
Not. One. Single. ****. Negative *****, even.
It has impacted every single person in your life in ways that you cannot understand as the user. Your family would be in immense pain to learn what you have put yourself through. Your daughter has not received the support she needs from her father. I myself have learned to tell my needs to shut the **** up, because they were never being met. My own family and friends have been crushed by the situation, because they see me in such deep honest pain. They knew how happy I was, how happy I could be. But they see it is not happening.
As the user, you can only understand yourself. But you cannot understand watching the person you love destroy themselves. And that is the person I am. It’s almost worse--because I feel like if I could just jump into your brain and make your decisions moment to moment, then I could make you okay and feel better. But I cannot. All I can do is watch as this thing continues to kill everything around you, including YOU, like a damn cancer.
I am so scared to be without you, but something deep inside me tells me that I must. I feel that we have become dependent upon one another in unhealthy ways. Just because something is comfortable, doesn’t mean it is right. What we have currently is not right, but it does not mean that one day it can be.
For a healthy relationship to bloom, we both have to be healthy. We both need to change for the better. We both need to make up the rules of our life and live by them.
If we take a break, I feel that we are still meant to be. I know that I could take a break from our relationship and come back into it happier and stronger at a later date. I know that I would not touch another man during this time as I will be too preoccupied with my own health and career and looking forward to a future with you, even if we are not fully together. I know I will be looking for my own independence and working towards moving out into my own apartment.
In the meantime, I can picture how a break from our relationship would allow you to make more progress. You would not need to worry about my suspicion, my crying at night, my loss of sleep, my need for texts and calls, making time for me. You wouldn’t need to worry about making me feel “stable”. All of this might be a stress lifting off your shoulders, and you would be free to make the life decisions you need to make independent of my input and worry and sadness. You would not need to worry about making my sad any more during this time. You would be free to focus all of your time and energy into focusing on yourself and the quality of your life.
You may decide that America is not for you. That your recovery would be most successful back home. This is not a light decision to make, but you may decide that this is the path that you must take. Sometimes in life we have to go down paths that we don’t understand and we don’t agree with--and then, later, we see it was for the best, actually.
However, you may decide America IS for you. For you, America is your new home and you’re going to make it the best for you that can you. That you have spent so much time here and that your dreams are still very alive. You may still be motivated to clean up completely and turn your life around. When that happens, you may decide that you want me back in your life. And I will be waiting for that, if you decide this.
With all the love a human can possibly offer, I love you honestly with every cell in my body every neurotransmitter in my brain--
Your love,
Marina
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Marina,
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, and my hope is our little community will offer you support as you go through this hard time.
Others will be by to greet you, but I'd like to throw in my two cents, too.
I wish it were that simple, Marina. This is a lovely letter. It shows him that you really, really care. But the fatal flaw in the letter is it assumes he's going to be able to absorb the message you're trying to convey. So allow me to be frank: he can't.
He is an addict in active addiction. And opiates are as bad as it gets. Imagine a big, empty jug with a hole in the bottom. If you try to pour water into the jug, it's not filled because of the hole in the bottom. If you picture him as a jug and your pour your love and support into it, it comes out of the bottom. And this will not change unless he decides to quit using heroin and follow that decision up with the appropriate course of treatment and a plan to stay clean.
All you can do right now is take care of you. And we can give you input on how you can do that. At this moment, your ABF is beyond your help. And it doesn't matter if he stays here or doesn't stay; his addiction will follow him. Even if he cleans up, he's looking at a lifetime of work to stay healthy
So, stick around. Read as many posts as you can, particularly the sticky notes on our homepage. We care, and we'll do whatever we can to support you.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, and my hope is our little community will offer you support as you go through this hard time.
Others will be by to greet you, but I'd like to throw in my two cents, too.
However, you may decide America IS for you. For you, America is your new home and you’re going to make it the best for you that can you. That you have spent so much time here and that your dreams are still very alive. You may still be motivated to clean up completely and turn your life around. When that happens, you may decide that you want me back in your life. And I will be waiting for that, if you decide this.
He is an addict in active addiction. And opiates are as bad as it gets. Imagine a big, empty jug with a hole in the bottom. If you try to pour water into the jug, it's not filled because of the hole in the bottom. If you picture him as a jug and your pour your love and support into it, it comes out of the bottom. And this will not change unless he decides to quit using heroin and follow that decision up with the appropriate course of treatment and a plan to stay clean.
All you can do right now is take care of you. And we can give you input on how you can do that. At this moment, your ABF is beyond your help. And it doesn't matter if he stays here or doesn't stay; his addiction will follow him. Even if he cleans up, he's looking at a lifetime of work to stay healthy
So, stick around. Read as many posts as you can, particularly the sticky notes on our homepage. We care, and we'll do whatever we can to support you.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 13
Hi Zoso--
Thank you for your reply. The thing is, I don't know if he is in active addiction. We do not live together and we live 30 minutes apart. I haven't seen him in a week. I ask and he says he is attending this clinic, but I just don't know...
Thank you for your reply. The thing is, I don't know if he is in active addiction. We do not live together and we live 30 minutes apart. I haven't seen him in a week. I ask and he says he is attending this clinic, but I just don't know...
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I would assume the worst, Marina. Heroin does not let go without one hell of a fight.
What are you doing to take care of you?
What are you doing to take care of you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 13
I am continuing my life the best I can. I used to exercise more, but I find I am just drained of my energy. I know I should go anyway but I am stripped of my energy. I am a full time high school teacher and my students are the focus of my life. It's my first year teaching so this drama has happened at a very inconvenient time--though I guess no time is convenient to learn the person you love and wanted to marry is a heroin addict. After I get home from teaching all day and putting on a brave face, I don't want to do anything. Actually I google a lot compulsively about heroin and the disease of addiction and in the past month and a half I have binge watched Intervention and other TV shows about addiction multiple times. I hate being surrounded about it but I felt the need to understand it more because I grew in a good stable home and was never around drugs or addiction. I have other commitments in my life and I keep them all--but I feel like I;m dancing with a knife in my foot most of the time. First thing I think of when I wake up and before I go to sleep is him and my hopes. I don't know how to stop obsessing.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Marina, time for me to hit the rack. We both have long days tomorrow. Get some rest and we'll check in tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hi Marina,
I think your letter is very heartfelt and honest. I also think you've put a lot of thought into what you want to say. I cant tell you if you should send it, or not. I think you have to follow your heart on that one..
My husband is my qualifier here.. he was addicted to opiates also... I have to say there are times when a person high on drugs cannot hear.. but there are other times they clearly do... this is my experience.
I cant comment a lot on methadone, but just for reference wanted to say there is a forum here for subs and methadone.. its not uncommon for people to use these medications for long periods of time, before they begin to taper. He may not have known this going into it?
You write beautifully. I wish you both the best.
I think your letter is very heartfelt and honest. I also think you've put a lot of thought into what you want to say. I cant tell you if you should send it, or not. I think you have to follow your heart on that one..
My husband is my qualifier here.. he was addicted to opiates also... I have to say there are times when a person high on drugs cannot hear.. but there are other times they clearly do... this is my experience.
I cant comment a lot on methadone, but just for reference wanted to say there is a forum here for subs and methadone.. its not uncommon for people to use these medications for long periods of time, before they begin to taper. He may not have known this going into it?
You write beautifully. I wish you both the best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Yes it's a lovely letter. If he does read it, I cannot believe it wouldn't move him. I am an opiate addict in recovery and it's true that when in active addiction our loved ones pleas for us to get clean/ recover seem to fall by the wayside. But, like alfor says there are times when we have moments of clarity. Plus if he is on methadone and taking it for recovery purposes, then he can understand your letter. I think it's a beautiful way to explain what's in your heart and mind. What do you have to loose by giving it to him? He should know how you feel? No? Maybe give it to him for you. As a therapy for you...without expectations from him? If that's possible to do? At least you cannot regret later that you didn't tell him how you felt? You know for certain that you told him and he knows?
I noticed you mentioned his tapering off the methadone within a months time. that is one way that people use methadone in their recovery...but the other way is as a maintenance plan. It could be that he needs it longer than he thought...or was recommended by the doctors there at the clinic to remain on it longer? I don't think needing to remain on that medicine for longer means he's failed in his recovery. Recovery is a process...it takes lots of time...Lots of hard work. Please check out our methadone section and/or read more about methadone for maintenance. I do think he will need to supplement it with a recovery program though. He needs to learn tools and gain support in order to be successful. If he doesn't have that...than the odds of a successful Long term recovery aren't too good.
I think you've made a good decision on letting him go....for now....providing him the space to concentrate on his recovery. It's the best decision for you too. It looks like you have your priorities straight in life...working on your career and your life. Then if all goes well for the both of you...and you re-enter each others lives again it will be after you both are in a better place. :-)
I noticed you mentioned his tapering off the methadone within a months time. that is one way that people use methadone in their recovery...but the other way is as a maintenance plan. It could be that he needs it longer than he thought...or was recommended by the doctors there at the clinic to remain on it longer? I don't think needing to remain on that medicine for longer means he's failed in his recovery. Recovery is a process...it takes lots of time...Lots of hard work. Please check out our methadone section and/or read more about methadone for maintenance. I do think he will need to supplement it with a recovery program though. He needs to learn tools and gain support in order to be successful. If he doesn't have that...than the odds of a successful Long term recovery aren't too good.
I think you've made a good decision on letting him go....for now....providing him the space to concentrate on his recovery. It's the best decision for you too. It looks like you have your priorities straight in life...working on your career and your life. Then if all goes well for the both of you...and you re-enter each others lives again it will be after you both are in a better place. :-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
As far as his even going to the clinic or getting methadone off the street. I guess you don't really know one way or other right? Recovery really does have to be for him...he needs to be the one to take charge and go. So, probably, allowing yourself to get out of this role of trying to figure out what he's doing..is he lying etc...? Would be good for the both of you. Because he really does need to do his recovery for himself...HE needs to own it. Plus you will drive yourself crazy wondering....not good for you either...right?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
I would not send that letter. I can't elaborate right now cuz I'm at work, but I'd definitely put it on hold, and wait for a few more responses here. It sounds to me like you really need to start focusing on, and loving yourself. You're giving this man an enormous amount of power over your happiness.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
The problem with sending a letter like that is that it creates expectations within you. After spilling your guts, your most intimate feelings, you will expect a response or a change from him. It can't be helped -- human nature and all that.
Most likely you won't get the response that you hope for. Addiction is not a logical thing. Also, men respond to emotions differently than women do, and letters like this tend to go right over their heads, or come off as neediness to them. There is a also a chance that the letter will trigger your bf's insecurities, fears and sense of guilt -- which end up getting projected back to you as anger. Given the amount of time and energy that you have already tied up in this drama, it might be best to detach and focus on yourself and your career instead.
When I read this letter, I see that it's really about you, and your emotions. It might be best to re-read the letter as an opportunity to get to know and understand yourself and your emotions better, and then put it away and sit with the feelings contained in it for a while. Then, if an opportune time comes, you can raise some of your emotions in the letter with him verbally.
Most likely you won't get the response that you hope for. Addiction is not a logical thing. Also, men respond to emotions differently than women do, and letters like this tend to go right over their heads, or come off as neediness to them. There is a also a chance that the letter will trigger your bf's insecurities, fears and sense of guilt -- which end up getting projected back to you as anger. Given the amount of time and energy that you have already tied up in this drama, it might be best to detach and focus on yourself and your career instead.
When I read this letter, I see that it's really about you, and your emotions. It might be best to re-read the letter as an opportunity to get to know and understand yourself and your emotions better, and then put it away and sit with the feelings contained in it for a while. Then, if an opportune time comes, you can raise some of your emotions in the letter with him verbally.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Agree NAB. My X would have zoned out half way through.
Being male and an addict he would never have been able to comprehend what the letter was meant for.
That was just my A though. I don't know yours. so, just my opinion
I say don't send.
Being male and an addict he would never have been able to comprehend what the letter was meant for.
That was just my A though. I don't know yours. so, just my opinion
I say don't send.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 13
Thank you to all that's replied. After a few days, I decided not to send the letter. My ABF and I don't live in proximity, and really there is no evidence to say whether or not he is using again, or just struggling with not using again. I figure that in any case, the letter would not help him. If he is using, he won't process it. And if he's not, he already knows everything contained in that letter.
Time takes time.
Today I started eating vegetables again. This is a big deal, because I am on a fitness journey. I put this on the back burner a few months ago when o found out about this mess. It feels good to be back on track.
For now I will continue with my therapy and taking care of myself-and loving him with detachment.
Thank you everyone again for your support. I'll be back with an update.
Time takes time.
Today I started eating vegetables again. This is a big deal, because I am on a fitness journey. I put this on the back burner a few months ago when o found out about this mess. It feels good to be back on track.
For now I will continue with my therapy and taking care of myself-and loving him with detachment.
Thank you everyone again for your support. I'll be back with an update.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Good for you. I am a vegetable freak too! I feel so much better after eating them. Guess that's my addiction.
Been making a lot of stir fry's lately. Glad you have decided to do what's best for you.
Been making a lot of stir fry's lately. Glad you have decided to do what's best for you.
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