Regrets
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Bowling Green
Posts: 80
Regrets
I am preparing a list of regrets as the parent of an alcoholic. This is to share in a meeting at the rehab center where our son is. I was wondering if any of you on this thread have a list of your own regrets. I would love hearing from you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Bowling Green
Posts: 80
Regrets
I am preparing a list of regrets as the parent of an alcoholic. This is to share in a meeting at the rehab center where our son is. I was wondering if any of you on this thread have a list of your own regrets. I would love hearing from you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Bowling Green
Posts: 80
Regrets
I am preparing a list of regrets as the parent of an alcoholic. This is to share in a meeting at the rehab center where our son is. I was wondering if any of you on this thread have a list of your own regrets. I would love hearing from you.
Would you share your list on here? I would like to see it.
I have many kids. They are all still young and out of trouble,but I definitely already have regrets!
What I've exposed them to with who I've married I wonder how it will influence there future decisions when it comes to drug and alcohol use.
I have many kids. They are all still young and out of trouble,but I definitely already have regrets!
What I've exposed them to with who I've married I wonder how it will influence there future decisions when it comes to drug and alcohol use.
I regret thinking that love could save my son, it darn near killed both of us.
Rescuing him from the consequences of his addiction behaviours harmed him by denying him the lessons he needed to learn. Bailing from jail, giving him a place to live when he lost his room/apartment/place in rehab, not charging him when he stole from us...all enabling in the worst way.
Prayers out for your son, that he may embrace recovery like his life depends on it...because it does.
Hugs
Rescuing him from the consequences of his addiction behaviours harmed him by denying him the lessons he needed to learn. Bailing from jail, giving him a place to live when he lost his room/apartment/place in rehab, not charging him when he stole from us...all enabling in the worst way.
Prayers out for your son, that he may embrace recovery like his life depends on it...because it does.
Hugs
some times I just wish blow out a candle watch a star and wish my Pop had had times to see how great things were... sorry all... long day need a tissue. love to all of you and hug that kid hold them tight for life is to short... ardy
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
I'm not the parent but the sibling. So, my input may not be helpful. However, I've been the caregiver AND "caretaker" in my family in a lot of ways, so I think a lot of my experiences are at least similar to those of parents... Anyway, here are my thoughts for what they're worth -
I regret any and all participation in his problem. I may be able to enjoy drinks on occasion, but from the time I started to realize he had a problem, I shouldn't have drank with him. It helped normalize his destructive behavior.
I regret shielding him from the consequences of his addiction - providing shelter, food, clothing and other needs that he could have furnished for himself if not addicted. Even worse, I have given him money when I knew it was to pay back dealers. I used my influence with local law enforcement to "protect" him. I (and hubby) went and pulled his vehicle out of various places he wrecked or got stuck, and got him home, so he wouldn't be there long enough to be discovered. In a million big and small ways, I made it easier for him to be an addict without getting in trouble.
Here's one that I have been pondering a lot and I don't hear mentioned often (if at all). I regret listening to and sympathizing with his "poor, pitiful me" stories. I was trying to be sympathetic when I thought he was hurting. I wonder if that helped reinforce the excuses and lies he feeds himself? I wonder if it would have been more helpful to call him out on his sense of entitlement or point out when I knew he was dramatizing things. I wonder if he was more able to convince himself that our childhood was that bad because I listened to his garbage?
I regret not taking tons of photographs of and with him before he got this bad.
I regret any and all participation in his problem. I may be able to enjoy drinks on occasion, but from the time I started to realize he had a problem, I shouldn't have drank with him. It helped normalize his destructive behavior.
I regret shielding him from the consequences of his addiction - providing shelter, food, clothing and other needs that he could have furnished for himself if not addicted. Even worse, I have given him money when I knew it was to pay back dealers. I used my influence with local law enforcement to "protect" him. I (and hubby) went and pulled his vehicle out of various places he wrecked or got stuck, and got him home, so he wouldn't be there long enough to be discovered. In a million big and small ways, I made it easier for him to be an addict without getting in trouble.
Here's one that I have been pondering a lot and I don't hear mentioned often (if at all). I regret listening to and sympathizing with his "poor, pitiful me" stories. I was trying to be sympathetic when I thought he was hurting. I wonder if that helped reinforce the excuses and lies he feeds himself? I wonder if it would have been more helpful to call him out on his sense of entitlement or point out when I knew he was dramatizing things. I wonder if he was more able to convince himself that our childhood was that bad because I listened to his garbage?
I regret not taking tons of photographs of and with him before he got this bad.
I think my list of regrets has changed over the past few years and I'm not sure what I regret now is what I would have listed earlier.... (And an ex-husband is the main reason I'm here at F&F) This is the only one I can think of right now:
I regret the time I spent waiting for him to change - and the time I spent trying to convince him that change was needed. So much of my focus was on him that I lost who I was, and I wasn't able to be the best mom that I could be for DS during those years.
I regret the time I spent waiting for him to change - and the time I spent trying to convince him that change was needed. So much of my focus was on him that I lost who I was, and I wasn't able to be the best mom that I could be for DS during those years.
In all things, not just with my daughter. For me, there's a domino effect with consistency. It's pretty much impossible to establish and enforce personal boundaries if I'm not willing and or able to be consistent. And that's the wiggle room an active addict thrives on.
What Chino said: consistency. Also, encouraging him to question authority. Letting him think his intelligence made him better than others. Failing to stand united with my husband. Making life easy for him. Wow, this list could go on forever.
I regret not recognizing that my son was having difficulty in elementary school, diagnosed with ADHD (treatment for which was a tug of war between my ex husband and me ) and seeing early behaviors that led to him feeling insecure, unhappy, unworthy. Middle school and high school years, he continued with that argumentative, defensive tone that eventually may have caused him to seek happiness through drugs. I wish I hadn't treated it as typical teenage behavior. His unhappiness with himself turned out to be very real and he went looking for something to self soothe.
I regret not recognizing that my son was having difficulty in elementary school, diagnosed with ADHD (treatment for which was a tug of war between my ex husband and me ) and seeing early behaviors that led to him feeling insecure, unhappy, unworthy. Middle school and high school years, he continued with that argumentative, defensive tone that eventually may have caused him to seek happiness through drugs. I wish I hadn't treated it as typical teenage behavior. His unhappiness with himself turned out to be very real and he went looking for something to self soothe.
Probably would have insisted on a good, strong relationship with a counselor for him. And probably would have fought harder with my ex to allow him to get ADHD medication and school help that he needed. I think it was a gradual downward tumble for him, struggling with school, feelings of self worth, self esteem, etc. I do believe it is a personality trait, having raised an older daughter in a similar environment of parenting, yet she thrived. I met/married my current husband when my son was about 10 years old. He introduced my son to golf, where my son did so well. We both saw what a positive help it was, to provide son with something that made him feel proud of himself. It didn't stop him from going down the addict road around age 18-23, and I think it was because son's difficulties weren't addressed strongly enough during his first 10 years of life, but he finally got sober around 23 and returned to golf as his " self-soothing," as he describes it. Plus, obviously the miracle of learning and practicing the 12 Steps, now.
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Great thread.
I'm the ex of an addict. I don't know if I necessarily have regrets, but I have definitely learned lessons, here's my list:
1) Doubting myself when my intuition told me he was using
2) Justifying his behavior to friends and family, making excuses, covering up for him so he wouldn't be embarassed (so I wouldn't be embarassed)
3) Not staying on "my side of the street" and working my own program sooner
4) Staying for as long as I did in an abusive/toxic relationship
I'm the ex of an addict. I don't know if I necessarily have regrets, but I have definitely learned lessons, here's my list:
1) Doubting myself when my intuition told me he was using
2) Justifying his behavior to friends and family, making excuses, covering up for him so he wouldn't be embarassed (so I wouldn't be embarassed)
3) Not staying on "my side of the street" and working my own program sooner
4) Staying for as long as I did in an abusive/toxic relationship
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 68
My only regret right now........
Is letting my AS manipulate me so badly for years and years!
Now that I have some "sense" about what our family life has been for quite some time I realize how we all have been used and abused. How we all "walked on eggshells" because we didn't want to upset him or make things more difficult for him. How we NEVER knew which AS was going to show up at family functions! Was it the "happy" son or the "angry" son or the "ticked off" son..........
Now that we "know" life seems to have some peace as long as we follow the NC rule.
Is letting my AS manipulate me so badly for years and years!
Now that I have some "sense" about what our family life has been for quite some time I realize how we all have been used and abused. How we all "walked on eggshells" because we didn't want to upset him or make things more difficult for him. How we NEVER knew which AS was going to show up at family functions! Was it the "happy" son or the "angry" son or the "ticked off" son..........
Now that we "know" life seems to have some peace as long as we follow the NC rule.
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