Help! caught in trying to save AS & endangering myself!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Help! caught in trying to save AS & endangering myself!
This weekend's events were a stark reality of how all I am doing to 'save' my AS is and can bring me down with him. For a brief recap:
-His latest girlfried called me desperate to get him out of her house before her dad came home since my AS was completely out of it on Xanax. If her dad saw that she would be kicked out of house.
-Of course I picked him up- he was passed out, lost wallet and bottle of pills he bought with his GR. -an investment he said
-brought him to my house hoping he'd sleep, but was frantic about the pills and money he lost. Couldn't remember anything. Went nuts looking everywhere in my house, etc...then...it got really worse:
- Ran out and grabbed my neighbors purse- she told me and I immediately got it from him in the street- he was so out of it. fortunately all she had was recovered, but the damage in terms of our relationship and the danger to me was real.
-Left to take him to his apt or hospital, not sure. had to get him away from there. Drove around thinking he might finally sleep andcalm down. He got out of my car and tried to numerous times while it was moving. At one point got out took off his shirt and was ranting at cars behind me who were honking and started to bang on the car. ran off and a woman came to see what was wrong and he pushed her. I kept trying to get him back into the car and probably should have left him there for the cops to get him, but he was so sick. She claimed he assaulted her and took my license plate #!!!!
-I finally got him into car, after he shoved me and knocked me down on ground too...and decided to drive to hospital to get him into psych er.
-he continued to try to get out of my car, even on freeway! Finally made it to hospital but could find ER entrance so tried to park near entrance to get him to go, but he kept jumping out of car yelling threatening to hurt himself or others.
-All this was because he lost his money and kept demanding I give him money to replace what he lost. (He had just lost his wallet about a week prior and was getting his ID replaced, when he lost it again.)
-Sheriff's drove up after I finally got him back in car and stopped us. They ordered me out of car and then they cuffed him and took him into their car to talk to him. They said someone reported eratic driving and a person running out of the car threatening people and wanted to know if I was drinking. I explained situation to them and told them I was trying to take my son to psych er. that he had fight with girlfriend and lost wallet and was very upset and irrational . It told them about the jumping out of the car while driving, but not the pills he apparently took. They asked me what I wanted to do & I said he needed help and I wanted him to be evaluated. After talking to him they said they couldn't commit him because of the way he answered their questions. ( He knows just what to say and can act right in front of police or PET team.) They asked if he was on medication and I said yes and that he was mentally unstable. My AS told them if he went to the hospital it would interfere with his medication, (Methadone), which is true. and they asked me to confirm that. They didn't find anything on him, because he had lost everything and could arrest him. They said he was an adult and I couldn't make him go to ER, but i could try. Then they released him. I can't believe I almost could have been arrested for his insanity and, unfortunately mine in my desperate attempts to save him! That was the 2nd close call.
-I hoped the experience would get him to calm down and took him back to my place, since he had lost the keys to his apt when he took his shirt off and ran out of the car. He agreed, but when we got off the freeway he started up again and jumped out of the car. he went into a carport apparently kicking a parked car . I told him to get in and stop, and I had his phone and take it, but he went and hit his head hard on my side rear window. That was it. I drove off. I could not afford to be implicated in any crime or insanity again and was already worried about the woman taking my license plate #. I left him and went to see if I could recover his apt. keys and did! Figured he'd walk back to my house...waited-drove around looking for him a couple times and finally found him He crashed on my couch and went to clinic in morning,then took him home.
-He claimed he would be beat up and stabbed if he didn't return the money he was given. I finally caved and gave it to him. Later after work went to see him since he didn't answer phone and he was passed out!! Had used the money to buy more pills. How stupid could I be!
Got him a few sodas and things, was going to take him on a couple errands, but dropped him off at his house because he was so unstable and out of it. I was so mad...yelling at him, telling him he lied and he needed help and that I could continue to help him because of his stupid choices around drugs. I didn't want him in my car-so picked up a few things and dropped it off and that was it.
-All last night he continued to call me at 3AM, screaming on the phone about his neighbor who he was arguing with. My AS had been loud and his neighbor is very sensitive to noise and it was the middle of the night. I stopped answering the phone.
This morning I called him to see if he wanted to get ride to clinic. All he could do is ask for money. Said he would pay me back, etc....Through the grace of God I found the strength to say no. that I had already helped him and that was it. He needed to stop making these kinds of choices that get him in the situation. I offered to take him to clinic and got ready. I called repeatedly and texted him to reach him. Finally I gave up and said he could take bus to clinic and that I wasn't going to drive all the way down if he would answer his phone. I wished him well. encouraged him to take it easy and settle down and that was all I could do.
I had to think of my own sanity and safety for the first time in a long time. Although I fought myself and so wanted to get him to clinic, thinking it would calm him down, I didn't want to be worked repeatedly for money or deal with his insanity. I continued until it was too late to get there in time and had to let it go.
These recent events have been an eye opener to say the least. My younger son says I need to stop helping him and that my AS is only using me. I agreed and told him a couple of the events this weekend and that it had changed me and I was backing off.
My AS is sooooo sick right now . I can't reason with him. I used to get him to calm down and at least he did or put on a good act. I am so afraid for him, but can't continue to protect him either and enable him and prevent him from suffering the consequences of his actions.
I had to share this because I am concerned for myself and my own desperate attempts to help him, while endangering myself!! I can't do any more to help him at this point he has to want and seek help or probably lose his freedom. This is sooooo hard, but it has come to a pinnacle today and I have to realize I am not really helping him anymore and have to distance myself. This methadone clinic has kept us connected and it had been pretty good, However, my AS is unable to really function on his own and depends on me for rides to get food, get to the clinic, etc, while I see other people, many who are sick too, manage to take a bus, go to the store, etc.....Maybe it's an act . I don't know. When he goes to score drugs he does fine, until lately because he loses everything trying to do it. This is the worst ever and hardest time for me.
-His latest girlfried called me desperate to get him out of her house before her dad came home since my AS was completely out of it on Xanax. If her dad saw that she would be kicked out of house.
-Of course I picked him up- he was passed out, lost wallet and bottle of pills he bought with his GR. -an investment he said
-brought him to my house hoping he'd sleep, but was frantic about the pills and money he lost. Couldn't remember anything. Went nuts looking everywhere in my house, etc...then...it got really worse:
- Ran out and grabbed my neighbors purse- she told me and I immediately got it from him in the street- he was so out of it. fortunately all she had was recovered, but the damage in terms of our relationship and the danger to me was real.
-Left to take him to his apt or hospital, not sure. had to get him away from there. Drove around thinking he might finally sleep andcalm down. He got out of my car and tried to numerous times while it was moving. At one point got out took off his shirt and was ranting at cars behind me who were honking and started to bang on the car. ran off and a woman came to see what was wrong and he pushed her. I kept trying to get him back into the car and probably should have left him there for the cops to get him, but he was so sick. She claimed he assaulted her and took my license plate #!!!!
-I finally got him into car, after he shoved me and knocked me down on ground too...and decided to drive to hospital to get him into psych er.
-he continued to try to get out of my car, even on freeway! Finally made it to hospital but could find ER entrance so tried to park near entrance to get him to go, but he kept jumping out of car yelling threatening to hurt himself or others.
-All this was because he lost his money and kept demanding I give him money to replace what he lost. (He had just lost his wallet about a week prior and was getting his ID replaced, when he lost it again.)
-Sheriff's drove up after I finally got him back in car and stopped us. They ordered me out of car and then they cuffed him and took him into their car to talk to him. They said someone reported eratic driving and a person running out of the car threatening people and wanted to know if I was drinking. I explained situation to them and told them I was trying to take my son to psych er. that he had fight with girlfriend and lost wallet and was very upset and irrational . It told them about the jumping out of the car while driving, but not the pills he apparently took. They asked me what I wanted to do & I said he needed help and I wanted him to be evaluated. After talking to him they said they couldn't commit him because of the way he answered their questions. ( He knows just what to say and can act right in front of police or PET team.) They asked if he was on medication and I said yes and that he was mentally unstable. My AS told them if he went to the hospital it would interfere with his medication, (Methadone), which is true. and they asked me to confirm that. They didn't find anything on him, because he had lost everything and could arrest him. They said he was an adult and I couldn't make him go to ER, but i could try. Then they released him. I can't believe I almost could have been arrested for his insanity and, unfortunately mine in my desperate attempts to save him! That was the 2nd close call.
-I hoped the experience would get him to calm down and took him back to my place, since he had lost the keys to his apt when he took his shirt off and ran out of the car. He agreed, but when we got off the freeway he started up again and jumped out of the car. he went into a carport apparently kicking a parked car . I told him to get in and stop, and I had his phone and take it, but he went and hit his head hard on my side rear window. That was it. I drove off. I could not afford to be implicated in any crime or insanity again and was already worried about the woman taking my license plate #. I left him and went to see if I could recover his apt. keys and did! Figured he'd walk back to my house...waited-drove around looking for him a couple times and finally found him He crashed on my couch and went to clinic in morning,then took him home.
-He claimed he would be beat up and stabbed if he didn't return the money he was given. I finally caved and gave it to him. Later after work went to see him since he didn't answer phone and he was passed out!! Had used the money to buy more pills. How stupid could I be!
Got him a few sodas and things, was going to take him on a couple errands, but dropped him off at his house because he was so unstable and out of it. I was so mad...yelling at him, telling him he lied and he needed help and that I could continue to help him because of his stupid choices around drugs. I didn't want him in my car-so picked up a few things and dropped it off and that was it.
-All last night he continued to call me at 3AM, screaming on the phone about his neighbor who he was arguing with. My AS had been loud and his neighbor is very sensitive to noise and it was the middle of the night. I stopped answering the phone.
This morning I called him to see if he wanted to get ride to clinic. All he could do is ask for money. Said he would pay me back, etc....Through the grace of God I found the strength to say no. that I had already helped him and that was it. He needed to stop making these kinds of choices that get him in the situation. I offered to take him to clinic and got ready. I called repeatedly and texted him to reach him. Finally I gave up and said he could take bus to clinic and that I wasn't going to drive all the way down if he would answer his phone. I wished him well. encouraged him to take it easy and settle down and that was all I could do.
I had to think of my own sanity and safety for the first time in a long time. Although I fought myself and so wanted to get him to clinic, thinking it would calm him down, I didn't want to be worked repeatedly for money or deal with his insanity. I continued until it was too late to get there in time and had to let it go.
These recent events have been an eye opener to say the least. My younger son says I need to stop helping him and that my AS is only using me. I agreed and told him a couple of the events this weekend and that it had changed me and I was backing off.
My AS is sooooo sick right now . I can't reason with him. I used to get him to calm down and at least he did or put on a good act. I am so afraid for him, but can't continue to protect him either and enable him and prevent him from suffering the consequences of his actions.
I had to share this because I am concerned for myself and my own desperate attempts to help him, while endangering myself!! I can't do any more to help him at this point he has to want and seek help or probably lose his freedom. This is sooooo hard, but it has come to a pinnacle today and I have to realize I am not really helping him anymore and have to distance myself. This methadone clinic has kept us connected and it had been pretty good, However, my AS is unable to really function on his own and depends on me for rides to get food, get to the clinic, etc, while I see other people, many who are sick too, manage to take a bus, go to the store, etc.....Maybe it's an act . I don't know. When he goes to score drugs he does fine, until lately because he loses everything trying to do it. This is the worst ever and hardest time for me.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Quick update about AS and my actions. Just got call from where i work that my AS came looking for me and was out of it and had to be escorted off property. Police had been called because a woman accused my son of exposing himself and calling her n word repeatedly. Police were at my place of work and talked to me.
I cooperated and gave them his information, including his address. I also explained that he was very sick and mentally unstable and that I tried to take him to Psych ER Friday night. I told them he is not a sexual predator and never did anything like that. I explained sometime his pants have fallen down when he is running, but he would never do anything like that.
I explained he had issues, took methadone and was very depressed and anxious. I gave them his address and description. i hated to do it, but knew i had to so he could get the help he needs.
I regret telling them where he lives, since I dont' want him to lose his apt. He has a subsidized unit for only $50 a month and it's very hard to get. However, I cant' keep protecting him. Did I do the right thing by telling them his information?
At this point he is only a suspect in this incident. I explained I could describe the person as my son, who I was told the police were looking for, but that we cannot attest to whether or not he committed the crime or incident described.
They are only filing a police report and will turn it over to the detectives to investigate. I pray he isn't found guilty of this because he would be classified as a sex offender.
Did I do the right thing? I just wanted him to get the help he needs and snap out of it. I was tired of hiding everythign and protecting him, and felt it best to cooperate. AT this point it is an accusation. I just described my son as it was told to me by security at work. I did not physically see him, but security does know him.
I want him to get help but don't want to mess up his housing. I have warned him about keeping it together there because he has nowhere else to go and I cannot let him stay here. After the purse incident, I may have to get a restraining order if he doesnt keep away.
I asked police to not let him know I gave the information. i want to contact him and warn him that I heard the police were looking for him, but don't know what to do. I cant' go there and rescue him again. He is completely insane right now and needs help. I just pray he doesnt get shot or die today.
Should I warn him? Was I wrong to be so forthcoming with his information?? I had to cooperate since I work there, but I could have said he's homeless and not given his information. HELP! I really need feedback now.
I cooperated and gave them his information, including his address. I also explained that he was very sick and mentally unstable and that I tried to take him to Psych ER Friday night. I told them he is not a sexual predator and never did anything like that. I explained sometime his pants have fallen down when he is running, but he would never do anything like that.
I explained he had issues, took methadone and was very depressed and anxious. I gave them his address and description. i hated to do it, but knew i had to so he could get the help he needs.
I regret telling them where he lives, since I dont' want him to lose his apt. He has a subsidized unit for only $50 a month and it's very hard to get. However, I cant' keep protecting him. Did I do the right thing by telling them his information?
At this point he is only a suspect in this incident. I explained I could describe the person as my son, who I was told the police were looking for, but that we cannot attest to whether or not he committed the crime or incident described.
They are only filing a police report and will turn it over to the detectives to investigate. I pray he isn't found guilty of this because he would be classified as a sex offender.
Did I do the right thing? I just wanted him to get the help he needs and snap out of it. I was tired of hiding everythign and protecting him, and felt it best to cooperate. AT this point it is an accusation. I just described my son as it was told to me by security at work. I did not physically see him, but security does know him.
I want him to get help but don't want to mess up his housing. I have warned him about keeping it together there because he has nowhere else to go and I cannot let him stay here. After the purse incident, I may have to get a restraining order if he doesnt keep away.
I asked police to not let him know I gave the information. i want to contact him and warn him that I heard the police were looking for him, but don't know what to do. I cant' go there and rescue him again. He is completely insane right now and needs help. I just pray he doesnt get shot or die today.
Should I warn him? Was I wrong to be so forthcoming with his information?? I had to cooperate since I work there, but I could have said he's homeless and not given his information. HELP! I really need feedback now.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Vaya, I am the mother of an active addict and I truly do understand your pain and the insanity that is your life right now.
I say this with love in my heart, okay? Let go, Vaya, stop trying to save his apartment and making is consequences go away...they very well may save is life if you just let them happen.
He is a danger to himself and others. Tell the police that, tell the hospital that and explain that you can't take him because he will jump out of the car on the freeway, and have them send someone to get him. He is having psychotic episodes and you put yourself in danger to have him around.
I understand if all that is too overwhelming for you but just think what you would tell your best friend if this was her situation.
My prayers go out for you and your son. He is sick and needs help and I hope he finds it soon.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
I say this with love in my heart, okay? Let go, Vaya, stop trying to save his apartment and making is consequences go away...they very well may save is life if you just let them happen.
He is a danger to himself and others. Tell the police that, tell the hospital that and explain that you can't take him because he will jump out of the car on the freeway, and have them send someone to get him. He is having psychotic episodes and you put yourself in danger to have him around.
I understand if all that is too overwhelming for you but just think what you would tell your best friend if this was her situation.
My prayers go out for you and your son. He is sick and needs help and I hope he finds it soon.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
vaya.....you have to find the strength to STOP your own insanity......you aren't HELPING and only harming yourself. now HIS crazy has infected your workplace - and you are still trying to cover up for him.
he is a danger to himself AND others.....and you are in way too deep. he is assaulting strangers, women primarily, and you. he really needs to be off the streets before someone gets seriously hurt.
let this play out as it will. stop interfering, stop helping. PROTECT YOURSELF.
he is a danger to himself AND others.....and you are in way too deep. he is assaulting strangers, women primarily, and you. he really needs to be off the streets before someone gets seriously hurt.
let this play out as it will. stop interfering, stop helping. PROTECT YOURSELF.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Latest update....called back to where I work and security told me police caught up with him. don't know what will happen. He probably has pills on him and is definitely under the influence. I'm sure they will take him into custody, but won't know for a while. I pray he doesn't get charged or found guilty for exposing himself. If he's under influence or possessing drugs, he will catch another case. He has one pending that could have been dismissed if he stayed out of trouble. I'm glad I told the police about his mental state and hope they will admit him to psych to get help. I hope it will prevent any sexual crime charges when they see how crazy he is and there was no intent.
Regardless of any information I gave, they would have caught up to him today anyway. I'm thankful he didn't run and get shot! I pray he gets the help he needs now. Much remains to be seen. If he is in custody now, at least he is safe.
Hope he doesnt' act crazy in the hold as he's done before. Then they are lest apt to give him the help he needs.
I can only pray he gets help and learns from this, whatever the outcome. I feel guilty for having given him any money, since he got the pills. But he was obsessed and threatened to rob someone...and had attempted it...so I did. Either way, things were clearly coming to a head.....my helping only prolonged the inevitable.
I wish I could have reached him and gone to pick him up....could have prevented today....but had to draw the line. What if he did this while with me? What if I was stopped and he had the drugs on him?? I could have gone to jail as an accessory. That's why I had to stop today and let things run their course. I tried to reach him and reason with him and tell him to just go home and chill and stop running around, to get a grip, etc....i made over 20 phone calls which he wouldn't answer, and at least a dozen texts......
I know deep down from the weekend's chain of events and his recent behavior this was inevitable and I was trying to protect him from it. Now, I will wait and see what happens. I'm sure he will call me from jail if he's there and I will have to deal with that and more........ but ultimately he is safer now and alive.
Regardless of any information I gave, they would have caught up to him today anyway. I'm thankful he didn't run and get shot! I pray he gets the help he needs now. Much remains to be seen. If he is in custody now, at least he is safe.
Hope he doesnt' act crazy in the hold as he's done before. Then they are lest apt to give him the help he needs.
I can only pray he gets help and learns from this, whatever the outcome. I feel guilty for having given him any money, since he got the pills. But he was obsessed and threatened to rob someone...and had attempted it...so I did. Either way, things were clearly coming to a head.....my helping only prolonged the inevitable.
I wish I could have reached him and gone to pick him up....could have prevented today....but had to draw the line. What if he did this while with me? What if I was stopped and he had the drugs on him?? I could have gone to jail as an accessory. That's why I had to stop today and let things run their course. I tried to reach him and reason with him and tell him to just go home and chill and stop running around, to get a grip, etc....i made over 20 phone calls which he wouldn't answer, and at least a dozen texts......
I know deep down from the weekend's chain of events and his recent behavior this was inevitable and I was trying to protect him from it. Now, I will wait and see what happens. I'm sure he will call me from jail if he's there and I will have to deal with that and more........ but ultimately he is safer now and alive.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you do not have to take any calls from jail. there is NOTHING you can do. NOT ONE THING.
you seem unwilling to fully accept that perhaps he did expose himself to the co-worker - why on earth would she lie about that? he obviously has issues with women.......which is quite frightening.
let the rest of this story play out without participating.
you seem unwilling to fully accept that perhaps he did expose himself to the co-worker - why on earth would she lie about that? he obviously has issues with women.......which is quite frightening.
let the rest of this story play out without participating.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you Anvilhead and Ann. BTW... he didn't expose himself to co worker. The accusation of exposure was outside of work. I work in Downtown LA Skid Row Shelter and Recovery program. He came in disoriented and looking for me. NOt to make problems at my job. They see this every day as so many are suffering from mental illness and addiction.
He has never done this before. I pray he didn't this time.
I know I don't have to accept his calls. I will decide what is best.
he is suicidal and threats of such have kept me involved and enabling.
I won't bail him out. I may answer his first free call, but won't set up a phone account this time. He will only run up the bill begging me to bail him out until his court case and I won't. I do want him to get mental health treatment, which he desperately needs.
He has never done this before. I pray he didn't this time.
I know I don't have to accept his calls. I will decide what is best.
he is suicidal and threats of such have kept me involved and enabling.
I won't bail him out. I may answer his first free call, but won't set up a phone account this time. He will only run up the bill begging me to bail him out until his court case and I won't. I do want him to get mental health treatment, which he desperately needs.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Ann suggested I tell police he is a danger to himself and others, but now it is too late. I did tell them he need psychiatric help and how I tried to get him admitted the other night. I told them he is bipolar, has anxiety and extremely depressed.
Should I call the police and tell them this now?
Since they were told this and if he is acting crazy, they are required to take him to hospital for an evaluation to see if he can be booked or admitted. They don't always do this, which has caused cases to be dismissed.
Should I bother now or is it out of my hands?
Should I call the police and tell them this now?
Since they were told this and if he is acting crazy, they are required to take him to hospital for an evaluation to see if he can be booked or admitted. They don't always do this, which has caused cases to be dismissed.
Should I bother now or is it out of my hands?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
AS called from jail detention. I accepted call. All he wanted is his girlfriend's phone # saying what happened is her fault. I said whatever happened he did. Gave him her phone # . Then tried to ask him what happened but he hung up.
So sad....he's still blaming others. And probably still thinking I'll take all his calls. Unfortunately he sounded straight and not crazy. Didn't get a chance to find out charges.
Regardless....I'll probably call police detention and tell them he has mental problems and ask about charges, but won't continue to take his calls. Every time I do I stay connected to his insanity and neglect my own. I know this deep down and must have the conviction and strength to let go.
So sad....he's still blaming others. And probably still thinking I'll take all his calls. Unfortunately he sounded straight and not crazy. Didn't get a chance to find out charges.
Regardless....I'll probably call police detention and tell them he has mental problems and ask about charges, but won't continue to take his calls. Every time I do I stay connected to his insanity and neglect my own. I know this deep down and must have the conviction and strength to let go.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
if this allisnt enough for conviction to let go,idk what it would take.
strength- that can be difficult. it might be time to practice saying aloud
NO
youve gone through enough and it has to be hard,but it reads like its time for you to surrender.
strength- that can be difficult. it might be time to practice saying aloud
NO
youve gone through enough and it has to be hard,but it reads like its time for you to surrender.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
I called to find out about charges. I did discuss fact he has been upset and my attempt to take him to psych er thsi weekend. Also mentioned medicine. Then officer told me he would be in isolation. I decided not to discuss further and let the chips fall where they may. My AS is an adult and if he wants to tell them what he takes it's up to him. I don't want to influence anything either way. I was trying to follow one person's advice.
i wish this forum would yield responses sooner when I am desperate for answers.
I always get confused trying to do what this one or that one suggests.
I guess I'll have to follow the general best guideline about letting go.
In whatever the case, my AS clearly needs help and it's up to him to get it. I do need to detach and let go, but not sure exactly what that means yet. I don't want to influence, nor jeopardize his situation one way or the other. That is up to the authorities. My AS is an adult and he should tell them what he takes or needs, not me.
i wish this forum would yield responses sooner when I am desperate for answers.
I always get confused trying to do what this one or that one suggests.
I guess I'll have to follow the general best guideline about letting go.
In whatever the case, my AS clearly needs help and it's up to him to get it. I do need to detach and let go, but not sure exactly what that means yet. I don't want to influence, nor jeopardize his situation one way or the other. That is up to the authorities. My AS is an adult and he should tell them what he takes or needs, not me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Why, despite all I intellectually know, is it so hard for me to completely let go?
My AS did do rehab for a little bit, voluntarily got himself on Methadone, goes to counseling, got a job and saved money...got his own apt....all were good signs of growth. However, he wasn't really working a program. He has had bad side affects from Methadone and has increased his dose. sometimes he did try to stay clean, but still seeks a high of some sort. I guess I've been snowed by his efforts and kept hope he was getting better, but was. AT times he is so clear and so smart....but the last couple of months have been harder for him.
However, although I have been toughening up and not giving in to things, I guess I'm still helping too much. I did get too invested in trying to help him keep his apt and follow through on getting his case dismissed. This weekend was an eyeopener and when I am with him and see how he is declining I don't want to have any more to do with him. However, taking him to the methadone clinic most days didn't seem like enabling. He was doing the right thing by going and it did help reduce my fears of death.
Nonetheless, I still worry about him. I'm going to have to really sort out who I am doing this for. I believe Suki asked me that once when I posted about a situation.
Bottom line I know intellectually is that no matter what I do, I cannot cure him. Worst yet, I know I cannot go down with him and allow my well being, safety, and freedom be jeopardized. I know this, but my heart is still breaking.
My AS did do rehab for a little bit, voluntarily got himself on Methadone, goes to counseling, got a job and saved money...got his own apt....all were good signs of growth. However, he wasn't really working a program. He has had bad side affects from Methadone and has increased his dose. sometimes he did try to stay clean, but still seeks a high of some sort. I guess I've been snowed by his efforts and kept hope he was getting better, but was. AT times he is so clear and so smart....but the last couple of months have been harder for him.
However, although I have been toughening up and not giving in to things, I guess I'm still helping too much. I did get too invested in trying to help him keep his apt and follow through on getting his case dismissed. This weekend was an eyeopener and when I am with him and see how he is declining I don't want to have any more to do with him. However, taking him to the methadone clinic most days didn't seem like enabling. He was doing the right thing by going and it did help reduce my fears of death.
Nonetheless, I still worry about him. I'm going to have to really sort out who I am doing this for. I believe Suki asked me that once when I posted about a situation.
Bottom line I know intellectually is that no matter what I do, I cannot cure him. Worst yet, I know I cannot go down with him and allow my well being, safety, and freedom be jeopardized. I know this, but my heart is still breaking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I remember seeing a re-run of a Dr. Phil episode which was about an overly protective mother and her addict son. The mother’s point of view was that she loved her son and would do anything for him to show/prove that love. The addict son knew which buttons to push on mom to manipulate her into giving him money (drugs), clothing, food, shelter, bail money, rides, car insurance, cell phone bill, etc.
At one point the mom says I don’t know how else to help him and to protect him from being in jail or living on the streets. Dr. Phil’s response was, you are not helping him you are killing him by making it easier for him to put chemicals into his body. He then asked her would you rather your son be on a cot in a cage or you standing at his grave site.
I’m usually not a big fan of Dr. Phil’s shows but this one left an impact. The mom also never saw things from that point of view because all she wanted to do was protect him. And it turned out he needed protection from his enabling mom just as much as he needed treatment.
Prayers for you and what you are going through and prayers for your son. I hope you both find recovery and a more peaceful way of living life.
At one point the mom says I don’t know how else to help him and to protect him from being in jail or living on the streets. Dr. Phil’s response was, you are not helping him you are killing him by making it easier for him to put chemicals into his body. He then asked her would you rather your son be on a cot in a cage or you standing at his grave site.
I’m usually not a big fan of Dr. Phil’s shows but this one left an impact. The mom also never saw things from that point of view because all she wanted to do was protect him. And it turned out he needed protection from his enabling mom just as much as he needed treatment.
Prayers for you and what you are going through and prayers for your son. I hope you both find recovery and a more peaceful way of living life.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
Addicts use suicide as the ultimate trump card because that is our worst fear. And next to death we are willing to put up with just about anything as long as they are still alive. But this is where we get ourselves into more trouble because we link his addiction to his staying alive without even realizing it. And that is their intention. This manipulation tactic is what kept me around as long as i did. Its one of the hardest to stand up to. And when u do they act out.
Case in point. I too have had first hand experience with violence inside a motor vehicle. My addict tried jumping out of the car on numerous occasions and was succesful while i was driving on the highway. I slammed on the breaks and by the grace of god no one was behind me. He was banged up but was fine. That is until later when he accuses me of hiding pills and when he found them he took all of them and freaked out and choked me unconscious while i was driving on the highway and i crashed my car into the guardrail. If i could pass one peice of information along to u it would be this. NEVER allow ur son in ur car when he is in active addiction. He is out of control and it will only get worse as i learned the hard way.
My addict bf became homeless. Would call me crying saying he needs money or he is going to get shot. Started robbing people. Played the suicide card. And i caved every time. Because like u i thought "hes sick. He doesnt know what hes doing. He needs help." So we try fixing the damage they created out of misguided love. This is like standing in front of an oncoming train. We can keep trying to pump the breaks but no matter what its going to crash. More crimes will happen. They will play this out for as long as they can. For as long as WE let them.
Finally i reached my breaking point. After another violent episode i knew my addict was too far gone and was only getting worse despite my exhausted efforts in vain to help. So I let go. Not because i didnt love him but because I knew i was no longer a person to him. I was a tool for him to use. And as hard as it is to swollow it made it easier to walk away because without tools how do u build something? See what im getting at? Without us the addict cant continue getting high so easily. With no tools at his disposal his addiction becomes harder to manage. This will eventually lead to them hitting bottom.
After 8 months of staying with my addict it was ONLY when i finally left that he got clean. It took 2 weeks without me for him to reach bottom. Here I was thinking I was the only thing keeping him from a worse fate but really I was the one fueling it all along. Stop being a tool in the addict toolbox. Remove emotion the best u can and allow him to feel what life is like without u. Every time u say no to him u are saying u love him. I am so sorry for all u are going through but if u truly want something to change u have to be the one to do it. By changing YOU.
Case in point. I too have had first hand experience with violence inside a motor vehicle. My addict tried jumping out of the car on numerous occasions and was succesful while i was driving on the highway. I slammed on the breaks and by the grace of god no one was behind me. He was banged up but was fine. That is until later when he accuses me of hiding pills and when he found them he took all of them and freaked out and choked me unconscious while i was driving on the highway and i crashed my car into the guardrail. If i could pass one peice of information along to u it would be this. NEVER allow ur son in ur car when he is in active addiction. He is out of control and it will only get worse as i learned the hard way.
My addict bf became homeless. Would call me crying saying he needs money or he is going to get shot. Started robbing people. Played the suicide card. And i caved every time. Because like u i thought "hes sick. He doesnt know what hes doing. He needs help." So we try fixing the damage they created out of misguided love. This is like standing in front of an oncoming train. We can keep trying to pump the breaks but no matter what its going to crash. More crimes will happen. They will play this out for as long as they can. For as long as WE let them.
Finally i reached my breaking point. After another violent episode i knew my addict was too far gone and was only getting worse despite my exhausted efforts in vain to help. So I let go. Not because i didnt love him but because I knew i was no longer a person to him. I was a tool for him to use. And as hard as it is to swollow it made it easier to walk away because without tools how do u build something? See what im getting at? Without us the addict cant continue getting high so easily. With no tools at his disposal his addiction becomes harder to manage. This will eventually lead to them hitting bottom.
After 8 months of staying with my addict it was ONLY when i finally left that he got clean. It took 2 weeks without me for him to reach bottom. Here I was thinking I was the only thing keeping him from a worse fate but really I was the one fueling it all along. Stop being a tool in the addict toolbox. Remove emotion the best u can and allow him to feel what life is like without u. Every time u say no to him u are saying u love him. I am so sorry for all u are going through but if u truly want something to change u have to be the one to do it. By changing YOU.
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