Struggling with a drug addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 4
Struggling with a drug addict
Hello all. I'm sure this has been posted before, I've been dating a substance abuser. He confessed it's coke, but sometimes I think it changes due to his reactions. His eyes pop out, his tongue gets heavy, he cantheny keep still, extremely paranoid and imagines things that don't exist. He will spend all day in the bathroom smoking and won't eat. Of course our relationship has gotten worse due to this, he actually accuses me of being an addict and that I'm hiding it from him. He will suspect I'm talking to another man and check my phone. He will think his heard my phone conversation and blow up coz he thinks it's another man when it's not. Our arguments always turn into him breaking up with me and I always seem to be the problem according to him. I feel I've done all I can. He says he wants to quit yet all he does is take modafinil to suppress or get him off the high as recommended by the doctor. He's got a good job, makes great money and functions at work. Occasionally he will miss a day at work to smoke. Most times he does it all night and makes it to work or will smoke all weekend. My gut tells me to just leave but I feel I'm not strong enough emotionally to make this decision. My confidence is at an all time low coz I have to worry about what I'm doing so as not to upset him. I'm here for words of wisdom, a shoulder and encouragement. Help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Hi Karma,
I'm sorry for the circumstances that have lead you here. Unfortunately, we know all too well how you feel. The hope in that is that you can know you are not alone. You said - " My gut tells me to just leave but I feel I'm not strong enough emotionally to make this decision." First of all, your gut/intuition is nothing to be ignored. Why do you feel you are not strong enough?
I'm sorry for the circumstances that have lead you here. Unfortunately, we know all too well how you feel. The hope in that is that you can know you are not alone. You said - " My gut tells me to just leave but I feel I'm not strong enough emotionally to make this decision." First of all, your gut/intuition is nothing to be ignored. Why do you feel you are not strong enough?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if he's smoking it, it's CRACK. while a derivative of cocaine, it has an entirely different impact on the addict. a much faster ride, with much more addictive properties than inhaling, more intense high, much lower low, and dramatic paranoia.
you are no longer having a RELATIONSHIP - you just have a front seat to addiction's fast track. his good job won't last, his money won't last, his using will increase as will his paranoia, and you my dear will be squarely in harms way unless you GET OUT NOW.
i say this as a former crackhead. you do not want to see how bad this can get...........
you are no longer having a RELATIONSHIP - you just have a front seat to addiction's fast track. his good job won't last, his money won't last, his using will increase as will his paranoia, and you my dear will be squarely in harms way unless you GET OUT NOW.
i say this as a former crackhead. you do not want to see how bad this can get...........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 4
I feel I'm not strong enough because of how I feel about him. I'm constantly thinking of how good he is when he's not smoking. He told me he first started this smoking about 2007 2008, it's been that long. He told me he had a clean year then got back at it when he went drinking. He's so convinced I'm also an addict and just hide it from him. I feel I've invested so much of myself for nothing. I don't get how he's managed all these years to stay functioning for work purposes, if he can stay sober during work why can't he kick this habit? He gets promoted, hes well spoken of when it comes to work, and when he has to work weekends he definitely won't smoke.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
because his JOB supports his HABIT. so its a means to an end. plus folks CAN manage both addiction and "normal" for a while.....but not for long. as you have said he DOES miss work. and if he's been smoking all night, he's going to work high. that WILL catch up with him.
you should be investing in YOUR life hon, not someone else's. you can't fix this. you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it or CURE it. his suspicions of what YOU are up to are just a cover, to get you off HIS sh!t. it's classic Deflect and Deny.
you ARE strong enough. you just need to rely upon yourself and not the guy who locks himself in a BATHROOM to smoke crack.........
you should be investing in YOUR life hon, not someone else's. you can't fix this. you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it or CURE it. his suspicions of what YOU are up to are just a cover, to get you off HIS sh!t. it's classic Deflect and Deny.
you ARE strong enough. you just need to rely upon yourself and not the guy who locks himself in a BATHROOM to smoke crack.........
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If he told you he started smoking it in 2007-2008 it probably started long before that. His addiction was there long before you came along and will probably be around long after your gone. You have nothing at all to do with it except be on the receiving end of hurt and pain.
I would cut my loss and move on, don't invest any more of yourself on someone who can't equally be present in a real loving and caring relationship.
I would cut my loss and move on, don't invest any more of yourself on someone who can't equally be present in a real loving and caring relationship.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Wichita, kansas
Posts: 10
I am exactly where you are now. I'm empty, broken and sad. Six years and it never stops, repeat NEVER STOPS. He disappears for days at a time. Spends the money that could improve our future. He doesn't think that there is a problem because he has not had to face any consequences other than the complete breakdown of the once loving and affectionate marriage we shared. But because I never leave, he never gets better. I'm actually the one that has the problem. He's not sad or heartbroken. I'm just an inconvenience, I guess you might say I'm standing in the way of him getting high and being able to enjoy it without my whining! When the man you married and share your life with can look you right in the eye and lie just as easy as he takes a breath... it's time to get strong. My husband sounds just like your boyfriend. He is so sweet and kind when he's not using. He's hard working. But it's only a matter of time when something will happen, heart attack, stroke, arrest, job loss, beat up or killed in some seedy part of town. Those are the the things that I get the pleasure of filling my head with. I wish I could tell you a happy ending to this story but there simply isn't one. I have prayed and begged and tried to be understanding nothing works. If only I were more attractive or attentive. Nope none of that helps either. Please don't spend too much of your valuable life trying to get him to stop. He doesn't want too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 4
Your words have really encouraged and enlightened me. Because of my love for him I didn't realise how blind I've been. I too see he won't stop any time soon as his binges get worse. He's getting away with it because he's job doesn't perform drug tests, and my country is not so aware of the effects of drug use. And when he smokes all night he knows to take modafinil to go back to normal. Dealers come to him, he never has to go looking, he has an arrangement I guess. This forum has really helped me and I'm thankful for your words and sharing your experiences.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by forlucyslove 
When the man you married and share your life with can look you right in the eye and lie just as easy as he takes a breath... it's time to get strong.
Strong doesn't equate to being unloving. Its quite the opposite. When we get out of the habit of codependency we can force our loved ones to look themselves and their addiction in the eyes and decide which path their lives will take. We pray and hope that it will be a wake up call that will lead to their fight for sobriety. Continuing to play their games and play by their rules unfortunately will never lead to that. You are strong. You CAN focus on yourself, and must. If you don't, who will? He clearly isn't focused on your well-being. I say that out of love and understanding because I am currently married to someone who is the same.
When I think of leaving I feel guilt about what he has gone through in life to have gotten to where he is today. He had a rough upbringing, has a torn family life, so one day he chose to take a pill, and from that moment his life slowly and them more quickly spiraled out of control. These people need help, but we can't force it on them. The hardest part about leaving for me is that I see a person. A very broken person who needs help. The strength we are forced to muster up is unfathomable, but the amazing thing is we can do it. Follow the pioneers who have paved the way before us. Lock arms with those who understand, and forge ahead. Fight for your future.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i was fortunate, i guess you could call it, to ONLY have been addicted for 4.5 years. i pretty much started trying to stop once i realized i WAS addicted - and trust me, that didn't take long at all. my bf was also an addict 20+ years, i "joined" him once he revealed to me that he smoked crack. figured i could handle it and HELP him.
ha. big mistake. so anyway, things got worse before they got better.....as these things do. work was getting iffy and i was called on the carpet about attendance or "short" days. i'd be at work, my bf would call from the house and say we'd "just had a visitor" (meaning the dope man) and i'd be out the door and in the car and racing for home at lightspeed.
i found another recovery site that is no longer active and began to bond with the other members, sharing our stories, them sharing their hopes and experience that you CAN recover. and i finally just had enough of the insanity. ok, that wasn't like a five minute decision, it was years in the making.
this is when things got tricky because hank was NOT at all ready to quit. then i found SR and learned about boundaries and started to enforce some simple ones and got into my head that if i needed to LEAVE him to SAVE my own ass, i would. i was done, and that was IT. if i had gone back on my word i would have been a hypocrite.
in the midst of all this we were in the process of buying a house together. which sounds really strange for two crackheads.....but i'm actually a pretty smart woman, had owned property before, work IN finance, and sort of just pushed the process along.
we didn't want to taint the "new" home so the pipes got tossed, the dealers numbers erased, and forward we went. that is not to say that hank did not still WANT to use and we had some terrible rows over that - he happened to be drunk at the time, which is deadly if you are trying to stay off crack. i had to leave the house a few times, get away from him, and uphold my boundaries. it was tough sledding for the first few years.
but here we are 8 something years later. he made his peace with it all, on his own, and in his own time. we did not talk about it or share our recoveries. he'd been to treatment three times before, so i supposed he used some of those tools. really don't know, never asked. none of my business. that relationship between the addict and the drug is infinitely personal. plus it's icky talking about it. no sense letting the beast in the door.
ha. big mistake. so anyway, things got worse before they got better.....as these things do. work was getting iffy and i was called on the carpet about attendance or "short" days. i'd be at work, my bf would call from the house and say we'd "just had a visitor" (meaning the dope man) and i'd be out the door and in the car and racing for home at lightspeed.
i found another recovery site that is no longer active and began to bond with the other members, sharing our stories, them sharing their hopes and experience that you CAN recover. and i finally just had enough of the insanity. ok, that wasn't like a five minute decision, it was years in the making.
this is when things got tricky because hank was NOT at all ready to quit. then i found SR and learned about boundaries and started to enforce some simple ones and got into my head that if i needed to LEAVE him to SAVE my own ass, i would. i was done, and that was IT. if i had gone back on my word i would have been a hypocrite.
in the midst of all this we were in the process of buying a house together. which sounds really strange for two crackheads.....but i'm actually a pretty smart woman, had owned property before, work IN finance, and sort of just pushed the process along.
we didn't want to taint the "new" home so the pipes got tossed, the dealers numbers erased, and forward we went. that is not to say that hank did not still WANT to use and we had some terrible rows over that - he happened to be drunk at the time, which is deadly if you are trying to stay off crack. i had to leave the house a few times, get away from him, and uphold my boundaries. it was tough sledding for the first few years.
but here we are 8 something years later. he made his peace with it all, on his own, and in his own time. we did not talk about it or share our recoveries. he'd been to treatment three times before, so i supposed he used some of those tools. really don't know, never asked. none of my business. that relationship between the addict and the drug is infinitely personal. plus it's icky talking about it. no sense letting the beast in the door.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: My Hive
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i was fortunate, i guess you could call it, to ONLY have been addicted for 4.5 years. i pretty much started trying to stop once i realized i WAS addicted - and trust me, that didn't take long at all. my bf was also an addict 20+ years, i "joined" him once he revealed to me that he smoked crack. figured i could handle it and HELP him.
ha. big mistake. so anyway, things got worse before they got better.....as these things do. work was getting iffy and i was called on the carpet about attendance or "short" days. i'd be at work, my bf would call from the house and say we'd "just had a visitor" (meaning the dope man) and i'd be out the door and in the car and racing for home at lightspeed.
i found another recovery site that is no longer active and began to bond with the other members, sharing our stories, them sharing their hopes and experience that you CAN recover. and i finally just had enough of the insanity. ok, that wasn't like a five minute decision, it was years in the making.
this is when things got tricky because hank was NOT at all ready to quit. then i found SR and learned about boundaries and started to enforce some simple ones and got into my head that if i needed to LEAVE him to SAVE my own ass, i would. i was done, and that was IT. if i had gone back on my word i would have been a hypocrite.
in the midst of all this we were in the process of buying a house together. which sounds really strange for two crackheads.....but i'm actually a pretty smart woman, had owned property before, work IN finance, and sort of just pushed the process along.
we didn't want to taint the "new" home so the pipes got tossed, the dealers numbers erased, and forward we went. that is not to say that hank did not still WANT to use and we had some terrible rows over that - he happened to be drunk at the time, which is deadly if you are trying to stay off crack. i had to leave the house a few times, get away from him, and uphold my boundaries. it was tough sledding for the first few years.
but here we are 8 something years later. he made his peace with it all, on his own, and in his own time. we did not talk about it or share our recoveries. he'd been to treatment three times before, so i supposed he used some of those tools. really don't know, never asked. none of my business. that relationship between the addict and the drug is infinitely personal. plus it's icky talking about it. no sense letting the beast in the door.
ha. big mistake. so anyway, things got worse before they got better.....as these things do. work was getting iffy and i was called on the carpet about attendance or "short" days. i'd be at work, my bf would call from the house and say we'd "just had a visitor" (meaning the dope man) and i'd be out the door and in the car and racing for home at lightspeed.
i found another recovery site that is no longer active and began to bond with the other members, sharing our stories, them sharing their hopes and experience that you CAN recover. and i finally just had enough of the insanity. ok, that wasn't like a five minute decision, it was years in the making.
this is when things got tricky because hank was NOT at all ready to quit. then i found SR and learned about boundaries and started to enforce some simple ones and got into my head that if i needed to LEAVE him to SAVE my own ass, i would. i was done, and that was IT. if i had gone back on my word i would have been a hypocrite.
in the midst of all this we were in the process of buying a house together. which sounds really strange for two crackheads.....but i'm actually a pretty smart woman, had owned property before, work IN finance, and sort of just pushed the process along.
we didn't want to taint the "new" home so the pipes got tossed, the dealers numbers erased, and forward we went. that is not to say that hank did not still WANT to use and we had some terrible rows over that - he happened to be drunk at the time, which is deadly if you are trying to stay off crack. i had to leave the house a few times, get away from him, and uphold my boundaries. it was tough sledding for the first few years.
but here we are 8 something years later. he made his peace with it all, on his own, and in his own time. we did not talk about it or share our recoveries. he'd been to treatment three times before, so i supposed he used some of those tools. really don't know, never asked. none of my business. that relationship between the addict and the drug is infinitely personal. plus it's icky talking about it. no sense letting the beast in the door.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i said He was drunk AT the time.....
alcohol for a crack addict is like gasoline on a smoldering fire. hank used to call it the 7 beer switch....which was actually "the opening of the first beer" switch. ya start drinking and next thing ya know.........you're meeting the Escalade in some random parking lot. again.
in fact, when we were both "trying" not to use, all it would take was for one of us to bring home a 6 pack and IT WAS ON. just the SIGHT of the beer let know the intentions of the other.
alcohol for a crack addict is like gasoline on a smoldering fire. hank used to call it the 7 beer switch....which was actually "the opening of the first beer" switch. ya start drinking and next thing ya know.........you're meeting the Escalade in some random parking lot. again.
in fact, when we were both "trying" not to use, all it would take was for one of us to bring home a 6 pack and IT WAS ON. just the SIGHT of the beer let know the intentions of the other.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Welcome Karmalitapu and so sorry for what brought you here.
It is super painful to leave a beloved addict and very often the best thing you can do for both yourself and the addict.
You might try reading Codependent No More and going to an Alanon meeting. Also keep posting here and we will try to support you.
It is super painful to leave a beloved addict and very often the best thing you can do for both yourself and the addict.
You might try reading Codependent No More and going to an Alanon meeting. Also keep posting here and we will try to support you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
