Seeking Advice For Being A Positive Influence In GF's Recovery
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007 
Like others have said, Dathan, it's really good that you are starting to work on your codie issues. In my mind, the sooner you can break them, but especially better for you....I think you need to be more of the mindset that this is about YOU, not so much about her. For the reality is that people come into your life...and....they go....or they stay...but in MY mind they are ONLY "allowed" to stay if I want them to and IF they are truly healthy for me. I'm much older than you, but I want you to understand that I DO speak from experience and life's hard lessons I learned when I was much younger like you and am in a way still learning.
Learning to LET GO is perhaps one of the best things a person can do for their self, and as it turns out letting go can also help the person at the other end. It's not easy, but it comes with the best outcome.
I can totally see where you were/are taken in by her beauty and sexuality. Sex itself is a big factor in all this and I think it's most likely you got hooked on the sex. I don't judge for that, but the reality that there is sex and then there is sex and there is so much more than sex. She is a professional at being sexy. There. Is that someone who you want to invest your future with? Were you my son, I'd do my darndest to steer you away from those types of people. There are plenty of sexy girls out there who also have the ability to be in healthy committed relationships who have great respectable careers who you might eventually settle down with.
At this stage of your life, your spot on that you need to be free to explore many other options...you should feel free to have great intelligent conversations with other girls; meaningful conversations that build character and intelligence. I'm not saying she is not intelligent; I have no way of knowing that. But if YOU were smart you would set yourself free and stay free for a *very*long*time. Don't let anyone tie you down....you'll only end up feeling like a prisoner and who wants that? Don't be a prisoner of your own doing; your own mind; your own compulsions.
Ultimately, Dathan, YOU must set yourself free: physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually. You are really the only person who can truly set yourself free. Doesn't matter what she thinks or what she wants.
She broke up with you. Done deal.
Learning to LET GO is perhaps one of the best things a person can do for their self, and as it turns out letting go can also help the person at the other end. It's not easy, but it comes with the best outcome.
I can totally see where you were/are taken in by her beauty and sexuality. Sex itself is a big factor in all this and I think it's most likely you got hooked on the sex. I don't judge for that, but the reality that there is sex and then there is sex and there is so much more than sex. She is a professional at being sexy. There. Is that someone who you want to invest your future with? Were you my son, I'd do my darndest to steer you away from those types of people. There are plenty of sexy girls out there who also have the ability to be in healthy committed relationships who have great respectable careers who you might eventually settle down with.
At this stage of your life, your spot on that you need to be free to explore many other options...you should feel free to have great intelligent conversations with other girls; meaningful conversations that build character and intelligence. I'm not saying she is not intelligent; I have no way of knowing that. But if YOU were smart you would set yourself free and stay free for a *very*long*time. Don't let anyone tie you down....you'll only end up feeling like a prisoner and who wants that? Don't be a prisoner of your own doing; your own mind; your own compulsions.
Ultimately, Dathan, YOU must set yourself free: physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually. You are really the only person who can truly set yourself free. Doesn't matter what she thinks or what she wants.
She broke up with you. Done deal.
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Good attitude. Yeah, at 19, life is beginning to really open up for you, so don't waste it being trapped by an exotic dancing addict. She is who she is and the reality is that even though she asked how you were and was interested in how you felt and her family made you feel welcome, etc....those are not BAD things, not at all...but the "need' to feel those things can come from other sources too. Some of us need that type of thing more than others...but there are PLENTY of other types of people who will do ALL of those things she and her family did...but as long as you hang on to her, you will not be opening yourself up to experiencing it from someone else who could be much more healthy for you both now and in the long run. She's holding you hostage. Her family might be holding you hostage too. I know this is hard to accept because your FEELINGS are involved here.
Remember that "feelings are not facts". They pass. They really do. But, if YOU keep hanging on, those feelings are gonna linger longer than they rightfully should! I truly believe within myself that each one of us has the POWER to RELEASE whatever it is that keeps us in bondage! Addicts are in bondage to many things, likely, including being in bondage to their drug of choice. SHE, is not just addicted to drugs. She is most likely also addicted to what all is part of being an exotic dancer. Think long and hard about that. What is the TRUE SUBSTANCE of her profession? Is that something you can build on? Well, I guess it depends on what it is you really want to do with yourself.
You know, other people really do make us feel good sometimes, but at the end of the day, it's our own self independently that provides the lasting VALUE. This is all really just co-dependent stuff at the heart of it. I hope your counseling sessions are helpful!
Remember that "feelings are not facts". They pass. They really do. But, if YOU keep hanging on, those feelings are gonna linger longer than they rightfully should! I truly believe within myself that each one of us has the POWER to RELEASE whatever it is that keeps us in bondage! Addicts are in bondage to many things, likely, including being in bondage to their drug of choice. SHE, is not just addicted to drugs. She is most likely also addicted to what all is part of being an exotic dancer. Think long and hard about that. What is the TRUE SUBSTANCE of her profession? Is that something you can build on? Well, I guess it depends on what it is you really want to do with yourself.
You know, other people really do make us feel good sometimes, but at the end of the day, it's our own self independently that provides the lasting VALUE. This is all really just co-dependent stuff at the heart of it. I hope your counseling sessions are helpful!
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Thanks! I'm gonna Reread this a lot! I'm gonna have to tell her next time she calls hey this is what I'm doing you left me and I'm letting you go, I'll be your friend if you still wanna call me. Maybe if you're lucky and stay sober and clean we can see where things go but right now there are no commitments or strings attached I'm gonna live life. And only had one session so we shall see but I like the therapist he's very intelligent and I feel comfortable around him.
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Stand up for yourself and I will forewarn you: Do not be swayed. I'm a woman and know how to work it too. But, that's not right-it's just not right. Be yourself. A person shouldn't have to be seductive to have good people come into their life.
I have a sister who is very good looking, very sexy and over many years of her life she has spent untold amounts of time "perfecting" it. But, you know what? She can go out and "prove" she can attract men. Yet, at the end of the "day", she is still not happy and she certainly doesn't have PEACE. It's all superficial stuff that lacks substance and I feel for her because what I want most for her is to be HAPPY...she's my sister and I love her to pieces. But, there is something in her that is just never quite happy and it's hard for me to be around her ...she exudes and negative energy field. I'm not saying that's how your XGF is, but it is something to think about.
But by 'seductive' I'm not just talking about being sexually seduced or drawn to someone. We are all creatures of various types of "seduction", not just sexual. And, we seem to have a knack for "honing in on" a person's needs that we pick up on. Some of it is subconscious, true, but much of it is "needs-based" behaviour. You have a need; a need to be loved and feel lovable. Codies in particular have a need to be needed. That's something for you to look at.
I have a sister who is very good looking, very sexy and over many years of her life she has spent untold amounts of time "perfecting" it. But, you know what? She can go out and "prove" she can attract men. Yet, at the end of the "day", she is still not happy and she certainly doesn't have PEACE. It's all superficial stuff that lacks substance and I feel for her because what I want most for her is to be HAPPY...she's my sister and I love her to pieces. But, there is something in her that is just never quite happy and it's hard for me to be around her ...she exudes and negative energy field. I'm not saying that's how your XGF is, but it is something to think about.
But by 'seductive' I'm not just talking about being sexually seduced or drawn to someone. We are all creatures of various types of "seduction", not just sexual. And, we seem to have a knack for "honing in on" a person's needs that we pick up on. Some of it is subconscious, true, but much of it is "needs-based" behaviour. You have a need; a need to be loved and feel lovable. Codies in particular have a need to be needed. That's something for you to look at.
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Stand up for yourself and I will forewarn you: Do not be swayed. I'm a woman and know how to work it too. But, that's not right-it's just not right. Be yourself. A person shouldn't have to be seductive to have good people come into their life.
I have a sister who is very good looking, very sexy and over many years of her life she has spent untold amounts of time "perfecting" it. But, you know what? She can go out and "prove" she can attract men. Yet, at the end of the "day", she is still not happy and she certainly doesn't have PEACE. It's all superficial stuff that lacks substance and I feel for her because what I want most for her is to be HAPPY...she's my sister and I love her to pieces. But, there is something in her that is just never quite happy and it's hard for me to be around her ...she exudes and negative energy field. I'm not saying that's how your XGF is, but it is something to think about.
But by 'seductive' I'm not just talking about being sexually seduced or drawn to someone. We are all creatures of various types of "seduction", not just sexual. And, we seem to have a knack for "honing in on" a person's needs that we pick up on. Some of it is subconscious, true, but much of it is "needs-based" behaviour. You have a need; a need to be loved and feel lovable. Codies in particular have a need to be needed. That's something for you to look at.
I have a sister who is very good looking, very sexy and over many years of her life she has spent untold amounts of time "perfecting" it. But, you know what? She can go out and "prove" she can attract men. Yet, at the end of the "day", she is still not happy and she certainly doesn't have PEACE. It's all superficial stuff that lacks substance and I feel for her because what I want most for her is to be HAPPY...she's my sister and I love her to pieces. But, there is something in her that is just never quite happy and it's hard for me to be around her ...she exudes and negative energy field. I'm not saying that's how your XGF is, but it is something to think about.
But by 'seductive' I'm not just talking about being sexually seduced or drawn to someone. We are all creatures of various types of "seduction", not just sexual. And, we seem to have a knack for "honing in on" a person's needs that we pick up on. Some of it is subconscious, true, but much of it is "needs-based" behaviour. You have a need; a need to be loved and feel lovable. Codies in particular have a need to be needed. That's something for you to look at.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Originally Posted by DathanM
She's very very very good at the whole suduction and manipulation I can't tell you how many times I gave into her and let her cross my boundaries. Hell she's a stripper she knows how to play people. But I'm just waiting for her to call so I can let her know what I think and stick with my decision to focus on myself until she proves herself down the road. And I was curious as to whether you where a woman or a man given your advice was pretty good lol.
I am an "old soul", I suppose and I can see things from both sides of an equation.
.
Now: You are young and with youth there tends to be some impulsiveness. But don't let anyone discount the wisdom that you already have...
As for waiting for her to call: Remember, you went "no contact". Since that time, you have emailed her and now you want her to call you just you can tell her where things stand. I would submit that once a person makes a decision to go no contact they need to stick with it. Not enough time has passed between when you started this thread to wishing she'd call you because you've made up your mind what your next right step is going to be.
Remember, you ARE dealing with another human being here. Remember that she is in rehab, she's getting treatment, it's very intense, she broke it off with you before she entered rehab, which I think was wise on her part. Now she's got a lot of work to do, and it's likely she doesn't really need to know your plans for yourself.
You do not need to delay your life or put anything on hold until you feel there is good closure with her. Like you said, you gotta live. So, live! The reality is there is absolutely no one stopping you....
So, slow this train down, or stop it or whatever. Time is on your side. I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself. Take the feedback given here and chew on it for a few days or a few weeks. By then, it may not even matter so much whether she calls you or not.
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Originally Posted by DathanM
She's very very very good at the whole suduction and manipulation I can't tell you how many times I gave into her and let her cross my boundaries. Hell she's a stripper she knows how to play people. But I'm just waiting for her to call so I can let her know what I think and stick with my decision to focus on myself until she proves herself down the road. And I was curious as to whether you where a woman or a man given your advice was pretty good lol.
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Oh, I am a woman alright, but sometimes I think like a man, if that makes any sense.
I am an "old soul", I suppose and I can see things from both sides of an equation.
.
Now: You are young and with youth there tends to be some impulsiveness. But don't let anyone discount the wisdom that you already have...
As for waiting for her to call: Remember, you went "no contact". Since that time, you have emailed her and now you want her to call you just you can tell her where things stand. I would submit that once a person makes a decision to go no contact they need to stick with it. Not enough time has passed between when you started this thread to wishing she'd call you because you've made up your mind what your next right step is going to be.
Remember, you ARE dealing with another human being here. Remember that she is in rehab, she's getting treatment, it's very intense, she broke it off with you before she entered rehab, which I think was wise on her part. Now she's got a lot of work to do, and it's likely she doesn't really need to know your plans for yourself.
You do not need to delay your life or put anything on hold until you feel there is good closure with her. Like you said, you gotta live. So, live! The reality is there is absolutely no one stopping you....
So, slow this train down, or stop it or whatever. Time is on your side. I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself. Take the feedback given here and chew on it for a few days or a few weeks. By then, it may not even matter so much whether she calls you or not.
I am an "old soul", I suppose and I can see things from both sides of an equation.
.
Now: You are young and with youth there tends to be some impulsiveness. But don't let anyone discount the wisdom that you already have...
As for waiting for her to call: Remember, you went "no contact". Since that time, you have emailed her and now you want her to call you just you can tell her where things stand. I would submit that once a person makes a decision to go no contact they need to stick with it. Not enough time has passed between when you started this thread to wishing she'd call you because you've made up your mind what your next right step is going to be.
Remember, you ARE dealing with another human being here. Remember that she is in rehab, she's getting treatment, it's very intense, she broke it off with you before she entered rehab, which I think was wise on her part. Now she's got a lot of work to do, and it's likely she doesn't really need to know your plans for yourself.
You do not need to delay your life or put anything on hold until you feel there is good closure with her. Like you said, you gotta live. So, live! The reality is there is absolutely no one stopping you....
So, slow this train down, or stop it or whatever. Time is on your side. I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself. Take the feedback given here and chew on it for a few days or a few weeks. By then, it may not even matter so much whether she calls you or not.
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