How to deal with finances when living with an addict?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 43
How to deal with finances when living with an addict?
One of my major struggles with ah is the money spent and putting us in a major financial mess. We are behind on everything!
Any advice on how to go about handling money? We both work and I was thinking of seperate accounts, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't see any from ah then and I would have to pay everything while ah would spend all his on pills.
I'm just realizing the role I have been playing as an enabler and trying to learn how to stop. Please help!
Any advice on how to go about handling money? We both work and I was thinking of seperate accounts, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't see any from ah then and I would have to pay everything while ah would spend all his on pills.
I'm just realizing the role I have been playing as an enabler and trying to learn how to stop. Please help!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Confused,
It sounds like at the least its time for you to have your own account & this is where your paycheck goes. I would consider a different bank if you are in a large enough city and not putting him on the account.
It sounds like at the least its time for you to have your own account & this is where your paycheck goes. I would consider a different bank if you are in a large enough city and not putting him on the account.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by CodeJob 
Hello Confused,
It sounds like at the least its time for you to have your own account & this is where your paycheck goes. I would consider a different bank if you are in a large enough city and not putting him on the account.
It sounds like at the least its time for you to have your own account & this is where your paycheck goes. I would consider a different bank if you are in a large enough city and not putting him on the account.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you have two serious problems - short term, the drain on finances and ability to pay bills and long term, your husband's addiction.
you could consider opening a second account, and then using the online transfer feature to move funds, but that usually takes 3 days for an ACH transfer so a lot of damage can happen in that time. i presume you have addressed this WITH your AH is a direct and factual manner? create a budget spreadsheet that lists ALL the expenses including ATM withdrawals (average over the last three months) in contrast to the income and show Einstein the math.
you could open a second account for just YOUR income, stash as much as you can and let the chips fall where they may. once the power is shut off or the cable or they tape the eviction notice to the door, the point is made. that is a drastic step that has YOU suffering for HIS missteps.....
long term, you will have to decide if this is a sustainable way to live. and if not, what YOU then must do.
not easy.
you could consider opening a second account, and then using the online transfer feature to move funds, but that usually takes 3 days for an ACH transfer so a lot of damage can happen in that time. i presume you have addressed this WITH your AH is a direct and factual manner? create a budget spreadsheet that lists ALL the expenses including ATM withdrawals (average over the last three months) in contrast to the income and show Einstein the math.
you could open a second account for just YOUR income, stash as much as you can and let the chips fall where they may. once the power is shut off or the cable or they tape the eviction notice to the door, the point is made. that is a drastic step that has YOU suffering for HIS missteps.....
long term, you will have to decide if this is a sustainable way to live. and if not, what YOU then must do.
not easy.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Hate to hear your troubles, but they are not unique. One thing for sure, if you separated finances, he could at least not spend "your" money also and there would be some left for the finances. You may have to make boundaries and require a certain contribution every pay period and you pay the bills. It is a tough situation and I don't really have the answer. You will have to find out what your boundaries will be. The only sure solution is a separate household. You will have to decide what you can accept or not. Wishing you the best.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 43
Ok I'm so glad I went ahead and got the account open. He just told me at lunch that he was done and quiting (which I didn't believe), Just looked at his phone records from today and sure enough he is texting one of his dealers 2 hours after the big statement of I'm quiting. I'm definitely going to have to seperate finances, already going to be difficult to make it til next payday, not to mention he already spent 75 today for a script that will be gone in just a few days. Opening the account is a beginning at least. Not sure how to go about the rest.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you have two serious problems - short term, the drain on finances and ability to pay bills and long term, your husband's addiction.
you could consider opening a second account, and then using the online transfer feature to move funds, but that usually takes 3 days for an ACH transfer so a lot of damage can happen in that time. i presume you have addressed this WITH your AH is a direct and factual manner? create a budget spreadsheet that lists ALL the expenses including ATM withdrawals (average over the last three months) in contrast to the income and show Einstein the math.
you could open a second account for just YOUR income, stash as much as you can and let the chips fall where they may. once the power is shut off or the cable or they tape the eviction notice to the door, the point is made. that is a drastic step that has YOU suffering for HIS missteps.....
long term, you will have to decide if this is a sustainable way to live. and if not, what YOU then must do.
not easy.
you could consider opening a second account, and then using the online transfer feature to move funds, but that usually takes 3 days for an ACH transfer so a lot of damage can happen in that time. i presume you have addressed this WITH your AH is a direct and factual manner? create a budget spreadsheet that lists ALL the expenses including ATM withdrawals (average over the last three months) in contrast to the income and show Einstein the math.
you could open a second account for just YOUR income, stash as much as you can and let the chips fall where they may. once the power is shut off or the cable or they tape the eviction notice to the door, the point is made. that is a drastic step that has YOU suffering for HIS missteps.....
long term, you will have to decide if this is a sustainable way to live. and if not, what YOU then must do.
not easy.He knows the hole we are in, I just don't think he cares. I can make it on what I make if he doesn't have access to it, but I'm not thrilled about him living there and not paying his part so not sure how that will fly. I told him a few weeks back to get out, but he refused and of course I caved. So not sure what will happen if it actually comes to that.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
One thing that helped me state boundaries and then enforce them with my H was treating him like I was correcting a child. You did X, so as we discussed before, this is not acceptable behavior in our family. The consequence is Y. And then I did Y because by God I was done enabling. It was hard after always giving in, but it made me a much stronger person! Right now your life is a mess because you've let him do whatever he wants. Time to switch it up. I think you are ready.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
When my husband was in the midst of his addiction, each time he got paid I would tell him the minimum I needed from his paycheck to get the bills paid, and I did not expect, or get, any more than that. I also took his debit card. I was fortunate that my paycheck could cover most of the bills. There was never anything extra at all, but the bills got paid. That's when everything kind of came to a head, he get treatment or get out, when I had one bill go late. I am very financially oriented, and he knew he could keep me in the dark about the extent of his addiction as long as the bills were paid in full on time and we had food in the house, since we had 1 child at the time.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I don't know about anyone else, but for me I would very resentful if I was paying for everything to provide food, clothing, shelter just so you could live. That just seems so unfair. He should pay a fair share. Likely you already resent his addiction. Now you will resent him because of finances, likely. I know I would. Once resentment sets into a relationship it's another area of healing and resolution that needs to take place. But, right now it sounds like you have no other choice. Know you have lots of support and understanding here.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Are you married ?
Are you on the lease ?
No matter who you are or what your situation, you should always have a separate account that NO statements are mailed to you.
I agree here that you should maintain your money separate from the account. Planning what will happen next is a symptom that things have gotten to a point where the relationship is most likely broken and this is the fallout.
Keep yourself safe, MOST important. Keep your child/children safe. Secure that he will not be able to access your money or take a card from your bag. He will become angry. I think my next guideline would be that he pay at least half of the monthly rent and expenses - plus buy his own food and all. With that, you have the option to leave or stick it out until the lease is up.
Are you on the lease ?
No matter who you are or what your situation, you should always have a separate account that NO statements are mailed to you.
I agree here that you should maintain your money separate from the account. Planning what will happen next is a symptom that things have gotten to a point where the relationship is most likely broken and this is the fallout.
Keep yourself safe, MOST important. Keep your child/children safe. Secure that he will not be able to access your money or take a card from your bag. He will become angry. I think my next guideline would be that he pay at least half of the monthly rent and expenses - plus buy his own food and all. With that, you have the option to leave or stick it out until the lease is up.
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