mm1234

I never thought I'd write a post like this. So cliche, I know. I have been with my husband for 17 years, married for 15. Our relationship has always had its ups and downs like most people. Three years ago he was diagnosed and treated for cancer. Today, he is healthy...or so I thought.

Recently, his moods have changed. He is irritable, forgetful and irresponsible. He has lost a significant amount of weight. He's gone out on all night benders, with no concern for me or our children (9 & 7). I've asked him to go to counselling (both marriage and individual and relationship). He has resisted.

Last week I discovered he has been on online sex chat sites talking to women. When I confronted him he was embarrassed and devastated. Two days later I found texts to escorts on his phone. I confronted him that day and asked him to sleep at a friends house until we could talk to our counsellor.

In the meantime, I started to question his behaviour. I went into our bank accounts and really looked at all of the withdrawals. He has been taking cash out regularly in $80-160 increments...sometimes twice in one day. I also discovered that we are behind on bills an that our savings are depleted. I keep an eye on this stuff (not regularly enough) so this has all happened within a 2-3 month period.

I asked him about the cash and he fed me a line about paying his worker and buying lunches etc. But, I can see food and sundry transactions on his debit card.

He has had a stuffed up/runny nose for over 6 weeks. I've asked him to go to the doctor and he refuses. I started to suspect things and asked him if he was using drugs. Of course, he said no. Tuesday morning, he was not home. He was not answering his phone and no one knew where he was. When he finally surfaced around noon he was so non-chalant about it that I wanted to strangle him.

I've also found evidence of drug use in the form of straws used for snorting (I tasted the residue inside and it is definitely cocaine) as well as a bathroom hand mirror covered in residue.

He has been confronted with all of this and denies anything but "bad behaviour". No explanation for missing money, being out all night etc. Worst of all he blames me.

My problem is that I don't want him around my kids if he is using. I also am so scared and concerned for our finances and the fact that he still has access to what little money we have left. He owns is own business so has regular access to cash/cheques paid by clients. I have taken his debit and credit card, but he can still take money from the business which should be used for our income and expenses.

He says after the last few days he is "regrouping" and is going to "get us back on track". He says he will follow through with counselling. I go from feeling angry, to sad, to completely crazy.

Any advice would be very, very appreciated.

svenissober

Hi

I think the best you can do is going to AlAnon and maybe he can go to Narcotics Anonymous. If he doesn´t want to, still go to AlAnon ;-)

And hang out here of course!

S

PuzzledHeart

Blameshifting is classic addict behavior.

In other words, he's still completely in charge of this situation. No wonder you feel so discombobulated.

If you haven't set up a separate account already, do so and start funneling money there so you can protect the financial assets for your children.

I second the Al-Anon, but I wouldn't wait for him to attend Narc Anon for you to start going. I would just go.

And have you told anybody else about this? If you're still keeping this a secret, it must be burning you up inside. If he's telling you not to tell anybody about it, that a sign that you definitely should reach out to a family member/friend. Secrets of this nature are poison. With that in mind...

Although we had suspected something fishy, my sister's pot habit really came to light 4/20 last year. She turned off the phone and just refused to answer it. At the time, my mother was incredibly sick and had just gone to hospice (she's out for now - whole other story) and my dad had just discovered a lump in his neck about a quarter inch in length (later discovered to be benign). And then two family members, just for kicks, decided to make an impromptu visit from California. We live on the East Coast.

The kicker - my mom then blurted out to my nieces (both pre-teens and daughters of my sister) that their grandfather found a lump on his neck.

So my mom was upset about my dad, my dad was distraught over my mom, my nieces were distraught over everything, I had two family members to entertain, and my sister was nowhere to be found. She was always the popular one in my family, and people often thought that my parents were too hard on her, (I suspect she was talking trash behind our backs). But that day, the two family members finally saw what we had been dealing with. We tried calling /texting her all day. I did get in touch with my nieces' father, and he was able to calm them down.

That day was crazy to the nth degree, but it was such a relief to have somebody close to us witness what had happened.

And no she never showed remorse or said she was sorry for being unavailable.

Your heart must be aching so, but I can definitely assure you that you are not crazy. I'm so sorry.

CodeJob

Welcome to SR!

Your life is not a cliche. Counseling with an active addict is not worth the time or money. But you going to help keep making the next right decision for you and your kids might be priceless.

Troubledsister

I also want to add the toll it takes on kids - my nephew is 10 and I hear about and see the changes from him growing up with an addict -- hearing voices, lying, making up stories, no empathy, and little self esteem. I don't know how long your husband has been using, but these are the very real effects on kids if the addict remains in the home.

Anaya

Welcome to SR. I am sorry for what you and your family are facing; hoping you'll find the wealth of information and support at this site helpful!

Very good suggestions that PuzzledHeart shares:

JOIE12

I think I would forgo sharing any unprotected intimacy with him considering the escorts and that whole mess.

I would also shore up the finances and take money as soon as it is there so that the bills are paid. Prove every penny. Addiction gives Responsibility a vacation. It may be worse than you have discovered at this point. Having drugs becomes their only goal. Are you sure it's cocaine ? Most coke addicts that I witnessed - end up being a little heavy vs thin. Thin seems to run with meth, crack and heroin. Tho my exABF had gained about 30# on H. May have come from eating a lot when not sick and then sleeping or being lazy and sore when he didn't have as much as he needed.

Your children need you first, their security is most important. Learn as much as you can here. Check out meetings in your area Naranon, CoDA or Alanon. It will help you to sort your feelings and get thru each event/day. Not one meeting can show you everything first time .. keep going back. If it's not the venue for you, do not despair - try another.

Wishing you strength at this difficult time.
Prayers and hugs,
Joie

teatreeoil007

Oh man this is a hard thing you're going through... No personal experience but you sure have my support...

mm1234

Thanks everyone for your responses. The last few days have been very difficult. My husband has be home, going to work (I think) and sleeping on the couch. We went to a counselling session where I confronted him with his recent behaviour and indicated that I think he may be abusing drugs. He denied it, of course, saying it was just a few times in the last month. Later when we were home I confronted him with the physical evidence I had found and he said it was again from those occasional uses. I've discovered our phone, electricity and hydro bills have not been paid. Our credit card (which was close to max after a major renovation and Christmas) has not had a payment on it since December.

I am not doing well. I can't eat and have been having panic attacks. I am luckily surrounded by a very supportive family (including a brother who is a recovering addict). I am also seeing my own counsellor.

Last had a panic attack last night and had to leave the house to go for a walk. My husband was there with the kids. A friend came and met me and we sat outside my place in her car. My husband texted me saying I should come in and he will leave. He came out of the house dressed and locked the door behind him...when I got out of the car and asked him what he was doing he said he believes I don't love him so what's the point. He said he should just go. He said he'll sign the house over to me etc. My daughter was crying inside thinking he had left her and my son alone (they knew I went for a walk). I convinced him to come back inside and I settled the kids. Then we got into a big conversation about everything. He said I have lied to him for years because I keep telling him I will give him the affection and love he wants and I never have. He swears he isn't regularly using drugs, but still can't explain where all the $$ has gone except to pay his worker. He says he's just given up and decided that it's not worth even trying anymore which is why he's let bills lapse etc. He is really in a bad place. We kept talking and he says he will stay and go to counselling and sit with me to work through the finances and promises he won't take any more drugs. I'm so worn out...and, right or wrong, again feeling like this is all my fault. He is obviously hurting very much. I don't know what is going to happen but I guess we can only go day by day.

Ariesagain

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

Are you buying drugs, physically pinning him to the ground, and shoving them up his nose? No? NOT YOUR FAULT.

Gawdamighty. Honestly, the next time he wants to take his blankie and run away from home let him.

Did I mention it's NOT YOUR FAULT????

JOIE12

gaslighting is a term used when addicts turn everything around on you and try to force you to accept blame for everything.

He is to blame for his choices. Simple.

We don't force anyone to eat, drink, lie, steal, cheat, become addicted, etc ...... the choice is theirs.

Signing the house over most likely will never work at this point since he is not current. Communicate with the bank and anything else that is unpaid/behind. I learned many years ago when I went thru this with my ex husband whom had a drinking problem/alcoholism and I should have acted right away instead of waiting for him to comply. The promises are empty. I got a better job and also a weekend job, worked my butt off and restored my credit which had been nearly destroyed by his not paying the mortgage. Paid the lawyers, bought the house outright (no settlement monies at that time) and rebuilt the life I have with my daughters. Not too bad for being told every single day that I was worthless and would never amount to anything. When he passed away, he owned nothing.

I never waited for anyone to do something that I could do myself.

Let it set in that YOU are not the cause of this. He has just found the buttons to push with you, to show you that nothing is his fault. The affection card ... all empty words of his. Blaming you for any failures ... well, you can see where that's going.

Show your children how to dig out. I know the shock. It takes time to absorb but things will not wait for long. I'm sorry that you are going thru this. Work on the immediate things and believe actions over words/promises. You will see this in almost every story of survival here on FFSA/SR.

Keep coming back, there is limitless info here that will help you. And remember that you are not alone.
Hugs
Joie

mm1234

I know the drug use is not my fault...but I do feel partially responsible for the hurt and rejection he is feeling. For years I have questioned if he is the right person for me. He is a gentle, sensitive kind guy. But he lacks ambition and motivation. I know I have been controlling and have tried to get him to possibly be someone who he isn't instead of just accepting him for who he is. I have felt so much responsibility for his happiness over the years. Between a failed attempt at an acting career, going through cancer treatment, making a major career change...I have been his only support and comfort. He has few friends, no hobbies and does not exercise or take care of himself. On the other hand: he is a great dad (recent behaviour excluded), kind and loving.

I have told him I cannot be responsible for his happiness and refuse to accept that what has recently transpired as a result of him not feeling loved by me is my fault. My struggle is whether we can actually make this work or if we are just better off apart. My gut has been telling me for a long time that it will never work...but something (fear of the unknown perhaps) keeps me keep trying..

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

JOIE12

Have you read the stickies at the top of this forum ? especially about Codependency ?

AnvilheadII

please, in the future, if you come across drug residue don't TASTE it to see if you can tell what it is. that's what detectives on TV do.

this problem is bigger than just taking a few days to get sorted. they are called HARD drugs for a reason..........it is VERY hard to just kick a drug habit.....and addiction goes way beyond just the actual drug itself......it becomes a mindset, and lifestyle, the "go to" way to deal with life.

he came thru a devastating illness and recovered. coming thru something like that can either make a person eternally grateful for every breath, or filled with a sense of invincibility. seeking out drugs that heighten the sense of power and excitement can have quite a lure.

coke always does a direct hit on the pleasure senses........and can turn librarians into sex fiends......and suddenly nothing is off the table......porn, escorts, even explorations into homosexuality, and other sex acts that would NEVER have been contemplated before.

JOIE12

i remembered today, how sick my stomach would be each time my exABF used the mens room. The babysitting, monitoring, questioning, confrontations, accusations and lies. I felt a world of relief when I left.

Thanks Anvil ... well written

Hugs
Joie

zoso77

mm1234...

Welcome to the Board. I'd like to offer you some belated feedback. Take it for what it's worth.

I'm of the opinion that the above coupled with this --

-- is sufficient grounds for terminating the marriage. He's currently in a headspace where the only thing that matters is what he wants, and he doesn't care how it impacts you or your children. And the gaslighting he's engaging in is beyond despicable.

Now, perhaps this isn't what you want to read. I understand that completely. But what you're faced with is someone who has reneged on the most important implicit vow: neither you nor him would do anything to undermine the vitality of your union. I think contacting escorts, withdrawing sums of money behind your back, and using blow certainly qualifies as undermining the vitality of your union.

Where there are kids in the picture, you have every right to do what it necessary to protect them and yourself. Don't f*ck around with this, mm1234. Give no quarter.

PuzzledHeart

Oh boy, this sentence triggered me beyond words.

He feels that you haven't been affectionate enough towards him. So he felt he could make it better by developing a porn habit, a coke habit and an expressway to dire financial straits? How could this ever create an environment where affection could thrive and grow?

JD4320

Yeah MM1234,

If he wants to go, let him go. It sounds like he's in a dark place, and that's not good. He is trying to flip the script on you, classic addict/emotional abuse move. Please, for your sake, your kids' sake, and frankly for his sake, just let him go. Grab your money and put it in your account. Close off his access to your finances. Let him figure out what he's done, what he's doing, and if that's the life he wants. It might be the best thing that you could do for him. One of my guiding principles in life is "sometimes being nice is not the nicest thing you can do for someone." This gets worse before it gets better, so let it be worse without you. And come here for support and help with getting through what is likely to be a rough road. It sounds like you have a great supportive family and friends to help you through, and this forum is always here too. Stay strong!

mm1234

Thanks everyone. The last few days have been telling. My husband and I have had a number of very calm, open and (I hope) honest conversations about everything that has gone on. He knows my trust is broken and he has SO much to do to regain it. I believe he is going through a major personal crisis and he chose reckless escape instead of dealing with his issues in a healthy way. He has committed to counselling, to reviewing our finances and replacing what is gone, as well as no longer using drugs. I am not a naive or dependant person, so if there are any indications of further drug use, he knows he is out. I have told him I accept none of this behaviour and will not be blamed in any way for it. I am going day by day and hoping we are on a positive path.

I will continue to check in here for updates and support. Thank you all.