Well ****
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
Well ****
Hello all. It's good to be back.
I'm writing today because of something that I just found out, and I don't know how to process it or what to say...
So last night I went to an NA meeting with my addict. I felt kind of weird because after the meeting got out, he was on his phone, and I asked him for the time. I glanced over to look, and he pulled his phone away, but I could see he was texting someone. Obviously, he didn't want me to know who it was.
I've known his Facebook login for a while, but I've never used it...until today. I know it's wrong, but I just can't trust him...so I looked. There were several messages on there to different woman (most of them were strangers). One of them was asking a girl he went to rehab with if he could have a threesome with her and her girlfriend. Another was him saying he thought this stranger was "fine." The last, and the one that stung the most, was he told a girl he clearly wanted to get with that he was single...
Honestly, I'm just pissed. I'm not even hurt, and barely surprised. How could he let me continue to support him, only to be going behind my back trying to get laid? What a pig. I don't know why I continued to tell myself he deserved my love. He has shown me time and time again that he's just not worth my time.
So my question is, what now? I just found out so rightfully my head is spinning. My instinct at the moment is to just ghost him. I mean cut all contact here and now, not even give him an explanation. The other part of me wants a justification. Did he ever act on any of these messages or were they all just "harmless" flirting? Who else has he been talking to? These messages were over a month ago, in the midst of his most recent relapse, and there hasn't been any since, but how do I know that he didn't just get their numbers and has been texting them instead? I hate that he doesn't love me enough to stay loyal to me, when I have done nothing but love and support him through his addiction and recovery. Honestly, it stings.
I'm writing today because of something that I just found out, and I don't know how to process it or what to say...
So last night I went to an NA meeting with my addict. I felt kind of weird because after the meeting got out, he was on his phone, and I asked him for the time. I glanced over to look, and he pulled his phone away, but I could see he was texting someone. Obviously, he didn't want me to know who it was.
I've known his Facebook login for a while, but I've never used it...until today. I know it's wrong, but I just can't trust him...so I looked. There were several messages on there to different woman (most of them were strangers). One of them was asking a girl he went to rehab with if he could have a threesome with her and her girlfriend. Another was him saying he thought this stranger was "fine." The last, and the one that stung the most, was he told a girl he clearly wanted to get with that he was single...
Honestly, I'm just pissed. I'm not even hurt, and barely surprised. How could he let me continue to support him, only to be going behind my back trying to get laid? What a pig. I don't know why I continued to tell myself he deserved my love. He has shown me time and time again that he's just not worth my time.
So my question is, what now? I just found out so rightfully my head is spinning. My instinct at the moment is to just ghost him. I mean cut all contact here and now, not even give him an explanation. The other part of me wants a justification. Did he ever act on any of these messages or were they all just "harmless" flirting? Who else has he been talking to? These messages were over a month ago, in the midst of his most recent relapse, and there hasn't been any since, but how do I know that he didn't just get their numbers and has been texting them instead? I hate that he doesn't love me enough to stay loyal to me, when I have done nothing but love and support him through his addiction and recovery. Honestly, it stings.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
Oh, and I forgot to mention the worst part: he's selling again AND he cooked meth at his parents' house.
He has no respect for the people who have supported him through his recovery, and no respect for himself. It's sickening. We all thought he hit his rock bottom when he was arrested, but he obviously hasn't.
He has no respect for the people who have supported him through his recovery, and no respect for himself. It's sickening. We all thought he hit his rock bottom when he was arrested, but he obviously hasn't.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Two words: good-bye.
The fact that he even has you questioning whether this is "harmless" says he's damaged you enough.
He doesn't "love" anyone enough, not even himself. Let him move on to his next enabler.
I'm sorry for your hurt. I wish you better days and send you a hug.
The fact that he even has you questioning whether this is "harmless" says he's damaged you enough.
He doesn't "love" anyone enough, not even himself. Let him move on to his next enabler.
I'm sorry for your hurt. I wish you better days and send you a hug.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Last May, you posted this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-goodbye.html
I responded with:
So what do you think is preventing you from kicking him to the curb once and for all?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-goodbye.html
I responded with:
There are worse things than being alone.
You know what they are.
Do what's best for you, and everything else will fall into place.
You know what they are.
Do what's best for you, and everything else will fall into place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
Thank you zoso77...
As soon as I read those messages, I knew it was over, and for good this time. Things have really been looking up for me, and I won't give him the satisfaction of making me as miserable as he is.
I won't lie, I'm hurt, disappointed and sad. However, I don't really think this is going to affect me much, and I'm thankful for that. Recently, I haven't been talking to him much. He hasn't been very affectionate, and now I guess I know why. So really, it's not going to be that different. As sad as it is, I'm use to him disappointing me this way. Why should this time be any different? (Aside from the fact that I'm going to stick to my convictions this time)
As soon as I read those messages, I knew it was over, and for good this time. Things have really been looking up for me, and I won't give him the satisfaction of making me as miserable as he is.
I won't lie, I'm hurt, disappointed and sad. However, I don't really think this is going to affect me much, and I'm thankful for that. Recently, I haven't been talking to him much. He hasn't been very affectionate, and now I guess I know why. So really, it's not going to be that different. As sad as it is, I'm use to him disappointing me this way. Why should this time be any different? (Aside from the fact that I'm going to stick to my convictions this time)
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
selpats...
The reason why I went back to your post last May was so you (and others here in similar spots) could have a teachable moment.
For whatever reasons you had, you rode this out with him for another 8 months. And you did so in spite of overwhelming evidence that he was never, ever going to change. So often when it comes to addicts, we make decisions not based on what we know to be true, but based on what we believe we need emotionally. And when we do that, we're often not honest with ourselves. When we're not honest with ourselves, we cause ourselves a lot of undo pain and suffering.
And take care to note that virtually ever single one of us here at FFSA -- myself included -- has been guilty of doing that: a lack of honesty with ourselves.
It's when we get honest with ourselves that we begin to claim our lives back. So, you've finished your degree. Now be finished with him, and allow yourself the opportunity to move onto a better, healthier life.
The reason why I went back to your post last May was so you (and others here in similar spots) could have a teachable moment.
For whatever reasons you had, you rode this out with him for another 8 months. And you did so in spite of overwhelming evidence that he was never, ever going to change. So often when it comes to addicts, we make decisions not based on what we know to be true, but based on what we believe we need emotionally. And when we do that, we're often not honest with ourselves. When we're not honest with ourselves, we cause ourselves a lot of undo pain and suffering.
And take care to note that virtually ever single one of us here at FFSA -- myself included -- has been guilty of doing that: a lack of honesty with ourselves.
It's when we get honest with ourselves that we begin to claim our lives back. So, you've finished your degree. Now be finished with him, and allow yourself the opportunity to move onto a better, healthier life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i don't think you can be done soon enough! nothing left to see or do, except beat feet to an attorney and get the divorce underway. no need to even pretend to act like a spouse anymore......he's dealing drugs, cooking dope at his parents house, and seeking all kinds of sexual encounters online and god knows what he has actually DONE.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 34
Hi Selpats,
Like everyone else here, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. That really is a terrible thing to have to find out, But like you said, he doesn't show respect to you, his family, or anyone who has been there to support him. Like you said, he's using, he's dealing, he's lying. In a way, it makes the answer painful but pretty clear. You're worth more than that. Don't let him take your dignity or endanger any more of your life, safety, money, or feelings. We're all here to support you
Like everyone else here, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. That really is a terrible thing to have to find out, But like you said, he doesn't show respect to you, his family, or anyone who has been there to support him. Like you said, he's using, he's dealing, he's lying. In a way, it makes the answer painful but pretty clear. You're worth more than that. Don't let him take your dignity or endanger any more of your life, safety, money, or feelings. We're all here to support you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
It doesn't matter who, what, where or when...or even why. If he followed through with his disgusting attempt at a threesome or any other disgusting gesture from those messages....none of it matters. The fact that you even have to face this is reason enough to say bye bye. I'm glad you read the messages because your gut told you something wasn't right...Those messages probably saved you a life time of heart ache. You deserve so much more and he doesn't deserve an explanation of why you want nothing to do with him any more. If it were me I would walk away, rather run away. I know its going to be hard. It also doesn't matter if he was using at the time or not.....it's too much...Bye bye
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S-
I am sorry for your pain.
The old saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
Hugs my friend, you have given him many many chances. Don't be like me wasting 34 years of my life for them to get his act together. It doesn't happen, very few do. Move on!!
I am sorry for your pain.
The old saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
Hugs my friend, you have given him many many chances. Don't be like me wasting 34 years of my life for them to get his act together. It doesn't happen, very few do. Move on!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
You are all so kind for your support. And you're right too.
It does't matter the circumstances, he still did it without considering his relationship with me. It's what he does. When he wants to do something, he does it. It doesn't matter how that might effect someone who cares about him. I don't think we even cross his mind.
He's so wrapped up in the "me, me, me" of his addictions, that he can't see all the love and support his has been blessed with. A lot of people in his situation aren't lucky enough to have people that care whether or not they live or die. When things are going well, everything's great, but it never lasts.
I feel bad for him because I see all these people in NA meetings who have let addiction steal their whole lives from them. There's people in their mid-fifties who wasted half their lives trying to figure out the secret to staying sober. Nearly every one of them is divorced, has kids that won't talk to them, medical issues and are ostracized from their families due to their own actions. I know that if my addict continues down his path of indifference towards others and his "recovery", he'll end up alone. As NA says, it's either jail. institutionalization and death. Right now, those are his only options until he decides to look himself in the mirror and stare down the man he's become. Those are his options until he decides to love himself enough to stop the lying and manipulative behavior.
I'm done trying to hold him accountable for his actions. If all he wants is just some distraction to plow who won't hold him responsible for his decisions, then he can have it. I'm done playing that job, and he does't deserve the opportunity to know why.
I'm sure if he thinks hard enough, he'll think of plenty of reasons on his own.
It does't matter the circumstances, he still did it without considering his relationship with me. It's what he does. When he wants to do something, he does it. It doesn't matter how that might effect someone who cares about him. I don't think we even cross his mind.
He's so wrapped up in the "me, me, me" of his addictions, that he can't see all the love and support his has been blessed with. A lot of people in his situation aren't lucky enough to have people that care whether or not they live or die. When things are going well, everything's great, but it never lasts.
I feel bad for him because I see all these people in NA meetings who have let addiction steal their whole lives from them. There's people in their mid-fifties who wasted half their lives trying to figure out the secret to staying sober. Nearly every one of them is divorced, has kids that won't talk to them, medical issues and are ostracized from their families due to their own actions. I know that if my addict continues down his path of indifference towards others and his "recovery", he'll end up alone. As NA says, it's either jail. institutionalization and death. Right now, those are his only options until he decides to look himself in the mirror and stare down the man he's become. Those are his options until he decides to love himself enough to stop the lying and manipulative behavior.
I'm done trying to hold him accountable for his actions. If all he wants is just some distraction to plow who won't hold him responsible for his decisions, then he can have it. I'm done playing that job, and he does't deserve the opportunity to know why.
I'm sure if he thinks hard enough, he'll think of plenty of reasons on his own.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You can't reason with insanity. Why he does this doesn't matter, the fact that he does it at all is enough to just step back and let the circus leave town.
You deserve better, you will get better when you turn your focus from him to you. I hope you do that soon.
Hugs
You deserve better, you will get better when you turn your focus from him to you. I hope you do that soon.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh man, that has to hurt. Here you are trying to support someone you care about, and that's what's going on. It does not matter if he has acted on it or not, HE WANTS TO.
Kick him to the curb because YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE.
Many, many hugs to you.
Kick him to the curb because YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE.
Many, many hugs to you.
Sarah
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Pennsylvaina
Posts: 44
I know this may sound repetitive but you have given him everything you could have, time and support and in return you have gotten nothing but lies and pain and betrayal. Do yourself a solid and make him a part of your past. I am sorry that this is happening to you, its proof that life is hard and unfair but its also proof that you deserve better and you deserve to be happy again. I wish you strength to do what needs to be done and I pray that you have peace in your heart soon! Much Love! I have been where you are, a lot of us have... This life is not what was meant for you.
Blessings to you!!
Blessings to you!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Keep your mind on what kind of relationship you want. And what you deserve. This man doeasnt cut it I'd say.
Going to NA while dealing drugs, never deleted the old FB messages. I hate to say it but if this was an intimate relationship you might want to see your doctor about STD's.
Going to NA while dealing drugs, never deleted the old FB messages. I hate to say it but if this was an intimate relationship you might want to see your doctor about STD's.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 46
I agree with all of these posts. I'm so sorry you're going through this, after everything you've done to support him and stand by him. I wouldn't bother asking him any questions or having a conversation with him about any of this. Why give him an opportunity to hurt you more? He'll probably either lie and then have you second-guessing yourself, or if he actually tells you the truth, that might hurt you more as well. Sometimes, what you don't know can't hurt you. You can't continue to be the one to put in all of the effort in this relationship, and not even be met halfway. Walk away. He doesn't deserve you!
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