Kicked him out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Kicked him out
It marks a week since I kicked him out...
3.5 months ago, he finally admitted to his cocaine, alcohol, gambling use (I knew all along). He promised (of course!) he will never binge again and that this time he saw the light (he saw the light several times before).
I didn't trust anything he said, I was just hoping, like a good codependent wife I was.
He relapsed several times after, and I felt defeated. I was at the point where if you can't beat them, join them, so I used to send my son with him in the evenings, just so I can sit at home, smoke weed, sit on the couch and cry. I was in so much pain, I didn't feel like standing up for myself anymore. The only times I could have some peace in the house is when I was stoned too, the only times we weren't arguing.
Somehow, I decided to stop the madness and stop doing this to myself, so stopped smoking and drinking all together. I had no plans to never touch this anymore, I just knew I needed to be clean NOW. For a while.
Last week this time, I come home in the morning to find the whole house smelling like weed. I couldn't keep it together anymore and I got upset. From getting upset, he started being incredibly aggressive and abusive, calling me ****, prostitute and evil. I asked and begged to stop calling me names in front of our son and he was yelling in my face: why? our son needs to know the truth about his ******** mother. He needs to know what a loser you are!
I said: listen, either my son and I leave or you leave, either way we can't be near eachother anymore. I knew this wasn't my husband yelling at me, it was his addiction, but whatever the case may be... I couldn't take it anymore.
I have no job, I am currently working on building my own web design business, and I depend a lot on his money, but at that moment... I felt going in credit card debt to pay rent and everything else was worth my freedom. I wanted to be free.
I kicked him out and of course for several days, he partied like an animal, binged and blew a ton of money. And of course, as per usual, after couple of days, he got bored of it and wanted to come home.
No more. I am working hard to keep him away from me and my son and I am not trying to keep him away from having a relationship with his son, but right now... I CAN'T SEE, HEAR and TALK TO HIM. I need my distance to breathe a little and plan my life.
I ask him to seek God and help for himself and he completely ignores everything I say and manipulates and lies saying he wants to work together with me. The thing is, I don't want to work together with him anymore and the thought of not being able to pay my bills scares the crap out of me, but taking him back scares me more.
I kicked him out of the house before and he stayed with his parents, where instead of fixing his life, he stole from them to do cocaine. I only found this out AFTER I took him back, thinking he finally learnt his lesson and got help.
I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I do know I need to keep this man away from me NOW. I have my own healing to do and I don't want to be a bad mom from keeping my son away from him, but I can't have him close to me now, I know I will take him back.
Some advise and words of encouragement is appreciated... scared.
3.5 months ago, he finally admitted to his cocaine, alcohol, gambling use (I knew all along). He promised (of course!) he will never binge again and that this time he saw the light (he saw the light several times before).
I didn't trust anything he said, I was just hoping, like a good codependent wife I was.
He relapsed several times after, and I felt defeated. I was at the point where if you can't beat them, join them, so I used to send my son with him in the evenings, just so I can sit at home, smoke weed, sit on the couch and cry. I was in so much pain, I didn't feel like standing up for myself anymore. The only times I could have some peace in the house is when I was stoned too, the only times we weren't arguing.
Somehow, I decided to stop the madness and stop doing this to myself, so stopped smoking and drinking all together. I had no plans to never touch this anymore, I just knew I needed to be clean NOW. For a while.
Last week this time, I come home in the morning to find the whole house smelling like weed. I couldn't keep it together anymore and I got upset. From getting upset, he started being incredibly aggressive and abusive, calling me ****, prostitute and evil. I asked and begged to stop calling me names in front of our son and he was yelling in my face: why? our son needs to know the truth about his ******** mother. He needs to know what a loser you are!
I said: listen, either my son and I leave or you leave, either way we can't be near eachother anymore. I knew this wasn't my husband yelling at me, it was his addiction, but whatever the case may be... I couldn't take it anymore.
I have no job, I am currently working on building my own web design business, and I depend a lot on his money, but at that moment... I felt going in credit card debt to pay rent and everything else was worth my freedom. I wanted to be free.
I kicked him out and of course for several days, he partied like an animal, binged and blew a ton of money. And of course, as per usual, after couple of days, he got bored of it and wanted to come home.
No more. I am working hard to keep him away from me and my son and I am not trying to keep him away from having a relationship with his son, but right now... I CAN'T SEE, HEAR and TALK TO HIM. I need my distance to breathe a little and plan my life.
I ask him to seek God and help for himself and he completely ignores everything I say and manipulates and lies saying he wants to work together with me. The thing is, I don't want to work together with him anymore and the thought of not being able to pay my bills scares the crap out of me, but taking him back scares me more.
I kicked him out of the house before and he stayed with his parents, where instead of fixing his life, he stole from them to do cocaine. I only found this out AFTER I took him back, thinking he finally learnt his lesson and got help.
I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I do know I need to keep this man away from me NOW. I have my own healing to do and I don't want to be a bad mom from keeping my son away from him, but I can't have him close to me now, I know I will take him back.
Some advise and words of encouragement is appreciated... scared.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Soulful, of course you're doing the only thing a responsible mother can do. Where can you go for support? Maybe there are community social services, or government programs you can tap into. You don't need to be alone.
If your AH has an income, of course you're entitled to support for keeping a roof over his son's head. Take steps asap to get legal help for an order of support. If comes begging to be let in, make sure you ask him for money to pay the rent as a sign that he's trying. Chances are close to nil you'll get it, but you have to try.
Do you have any family you can move in with until you get yourself set up? That might involve a job for immediate money while you also work on your project.
You can do this. For now, try to put aside your pain and do your research on how you can support your son and get yourself independent. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
If your AH has an income, of course you're entitled to support for keeping a roof over his son's head. Take steps asap to get legal help for an order of support. If comes begging to be let in, make sure you ask him for money to pay the rent as a sign that he's trying. Chances are close to nil you'll get it, but you have to try.
Do you have any family you can move in with until you get yourself set up? That might involve a job for immediate money while you also work on your project.
You can do this. For now, try to put aside your pain and do your research on how you can support your son and get yourself independent. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
We moved to Mexico so we can save money, buy a property as investment and rent it out as vacation rental. Of course, all that money went everywhere else BUT the savings.
My son is in a great school here and I have built a good life for him, so moving back to Toronto Canada (where we are from) is not my first option.
There is definitely al-anon support here, english and spanish, which I have attended, but I have found greater help with online meetings and here.
I know my industry is very sought-after, I just have to put in the work and go after clients. Currently working on my site, which is the main "business card" to reach out to new clients. Super hard to focus though.
My son is in a great school here and I have built a good life for him, so moving back to Toronto Canada (where we are from) is not my first option.
There is definitely al-anon support here, english and spanish, which I have attended, but I have found greater help with online meetings and here.
I know my industry is very sought-after, I just have to put in the work and go after clients. Currently working on my site, which is the main "business card" to reach out to new clients. Super hard to focus though.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Sorry this is happening to you. You did the right thing for yourself and your son. Gaining peace in your household is so very important.
The financial are rough in the beginning. I know you are building a business...perhaps renting a room might help supplement funds.
Allow him to figure out his sobriety, on his own. I am sure you figured out that you have no bearing in what he does. I wouldn't have much if any contact with him while he is active using. If you do, just tell him "talk to me when you sober and in a program for while."
I have beat my head against the wall. Only consequences and their own bottom will allow them to change their life. Hugs to you and your son.
The financial are rough in the beginning. I know you are building a business...perhaps renting a room might help supplement funds.
Allow him to figure out his sobriety, on his own. I am sure you figured out that you have no bearing in what he does. I wouldn't have much if any contact with him while he is active using. If you do, just tell him "talk to me when you sober and in a program for while."
I have beat my head against the wall. Only consequences and their own bottom will allow them to change their life. Hugs to you and your son.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
We briefly spoke today. I suggested treatment and he called them, only because I suggested it, but when we talked, it was very clear to me that he doesn't think he has a problem.
He told me he doesn't see himself living without smoking weed, or drinking booze... etc. He isn't an old man and I can't force him to live like that, that's boring. He told me he was aggressive towards me because I kicked him out. I told him our son didn't have to hear all that and he says that I started it, so it's my fault.
He uses our son to make me feel horrible. His family will also be against me, because they are in complete denial of his problems and they feel I am not a good wife and I have personality problems and anger issues. His mother is his biggest enabler and I know when I visit Toronto next week, I will have troubles with her. I have no idea how to handle them and how to make them understand I AM NOT KEEPING HIS SON FROM HIM BECAUSE I AM A BAD PERSON, but because his father is unstable.
How do I make him and them understand that?
He told me he doesn't see himself living without smoking weed, or drinking booze... etc. He isn't an old man and I can't force him to live like that, that's boring. He told me he was aggressive towards me because I kicked him out. I told him our son didn't have to hear all that and he says that I started it, so it's my fault.
He uses our son to make me feel horrible. His family will also be against me, because they are in complete denial of his problems and they feel I am not a good wife and I have personality problems and anger issues. His mother is his biggest enabler and I know when I visit Toronto next week, I will have troubles with her. I have no idea how to handle them and how to make them understand I AM NOT KEEPING HIS SON FROM HIM BECAUSE I AM A BAD PERSON, but because his father is unstable.
How do I make him and them understand that?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Allow me to be direct.
Screw his family. If they want to be in denial about what your AH has gotten himself into, that's their problem, not yours. Your job is to protect yourself and your son, not to assuage the feelings your AH's family.
Screw his family. If they want to be in denial about what your AH has gotten himself into, that's their problem, not yours. Your job is to protect yourself and your son, not to assuage the feelings your AH's family.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 41
I have literally begged my AXBF parents to stop enabling him. He would leave our home, go to their house 2 hours away, so he can get drunk and high and pretend all is ok. He is a 35 year old man, not a child. They let him ignore school, blow off work and think I am just a crazy angry b**ch. These are the same people who visited him in rehab. They know the truth, they just cant see it. They will watch my AXBF die. Its sad and it sucks and I cannot do one thing about it.
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