2littlegirls

Hi, I don't know where to begin. I've been with my husband for 6 years and married for 1 year. He relapsed after 9 years. We just bought a house this last October and had a baby this past May. I can't help like feeling its my fault he relapsed because of the house,a baby, and marriage. I don't know what to do. I finally got him to call about getting help but don't know if he'll actually go through with it. I'm sick to my stomach. I don't know where to turn and I stumbled upon this website. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Vale

Hi 2littlegirls,

There is a lot of wisdom here. Read the 'stickies' above.
Just listen up to this one thing. NONE of this is your fault, not one damn
stinking bit. Thinking it is............is like throwing human sacrifices into a volcano
to get it to stop erupting.

It may have made them THINK they were doing something----but all they
were REALLY doing---was being stupid ignorant superstitious fools murdering
poor hapless souls.

I like your handle. Straight to the point----you KNOW what your
priorities are. At the risk of being rude.....read the next 2 sentences in
bold/caps.....and DO NOT FORGET THEM.

1) NONE of this is your fault. Period. Nada. The empty set. Zero. Null,
goose egg. Get it?

2) You are NEVER alone in this----there is ALWAYS someone on SR to help
you get through this. Every last goddamned one of them understands.

The Duck

CodeJob

Welcome to SR 2littlegirls, though I'm sorry to hear your partner has relapsed.

Did he have a relapse plan? Does he have an addictions counselor, sponsor, or doctor that he can make contact with? How did he get clean last time? He has tools and education from how he succeeded for 9 years. Addicts often teeter and delay at the edge of getting help, so don't be overly surprised for drama or too busy to seek out help.

2littlegirls

He was in boot camp for a year and was in a church program for a year. Right now he tells me he needs to get away and I need to be patient. I honestly don't know what to do. Because of him getting high he basically lost his job yesterday.3 no call no shows.

sunshine31

You'll be told this again and again: it is not your fault. Marriage, a new home and a child can be stressful... but we must learn healthy coping mechanisms to get through the tough times. It sounds like he needs some help there. Set boundaries and stick to them. Sending love your way.

Vale

What you are going through is very, Very VERY hard.
But you have 2 little girls that NEED Mom to be ON her
game.

He doesn't matter. He dropped the ball on feeding/housing/
taking care of his family----whatever stripes he's earned in this
life get ripped off his shirt.

I hear and greatly understand when you say "I honestly
don't know what to do". But a LOT of heroic Moms on the site
faced far worse and came out the far end happy, healthy, and
moving forward. You can too. SR is a fabulous place for
emotional support as well as brass tacks "how do I" operating
wisdom. I know you will make prudent use of it.

"He/him" did "this/that" does not matter any more. The health
and safety and well being of your girls is what matters now. You
have to be a fearless Mama Lion......or a sea captain that would not
bat an eye if a watertight door needed to be shut to save the ship...
(dooming those behind the door).

You hold a very high and illustrious commission on this planet
that predates all other formal human classification/ranking systems.

You are a Mom. You've got a job to do. Do it without regret, rancor,
or pity----and not a single other human being on this planet would
dare question your authority to do so.

2littlegirls

Thank you all for your replies.Vale thank you very much. Everything said was definitely taken in and needed. I have been through worse and my girls are the most important thing.

Vale

You will prevail.

BlackSabbath

Golden post, Vale. Thank you!!! <3

I hate to pee on his parade, but I doubt he's had 9 years clean. Sorry, I just don't. But, that doesn't matter. He doesn't matter! YOU and the 2 LITTLE GIRLS matter.

I left in June - our youngest was not yet 3 months old. It is tough. Some days I need to CRY. But I can tell you, poop is about to hit the fan - things don't magically get better until the addict makes them get better. the best thing to do is to protect yourselves from that & set some clear boundaries.

Hugs to you mama <3

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm very thankful that you found us and took the step to post.

I highlighted the above in bold print because contrary to what you may think or believe, it's not your fault he relapsed. Adults make their own decisions for better or for worse, and for whatever reason, he chose to pick up.

Of course, the timing sucks, especially with a baby in the picture. So what I'm going to tell you is obvious, but it's also going to be difficult. The interests of your baby come first. How do you put that into action? Well, you have to know what you're up against, which is why you're here. We have plenty of women who have been in similar spots to yours. Pay close attention to what they share with you.

Please, keep us posted. And again, Welcome to the Board.

JOIE12

Many of us have been where you are and yes it can be scary. Faith helped me.

Knowing drinking or drugs are the responsibility of the person pouring it, shooting it, smoking it, swallowing it or snorting it. No one made that decision for them but THEMSELVES.

Addicts manipulate, lie, use, steal, gaslight, leave, whine ... did I leave anything out ? .... they become narcissistic. It can become brutal and rob you of everything you have and everything that you love. Your sanity most importantly.

It never stops calling their name. Recovery or not ... it never lets them go.

I too doubt that he had 9 clean years and up and walked out on his family and obligations.

This has no reflection on you. You didn't cause it regardless of what they would like us to believe. They love us when they want something and abuse us to instill fear of abandonment. They feed us words and lies to get what they need. It's inevitable. Guaranteed behavior.

I'm a mom and I went thru this with my ex-husband and alcohol. I protected my daughters with all that I was. I finally had him removed from the home and worked my butt off to buy that home out from under him. It all came from faith and wanting to give my daughters the best life that I could even if it wasn't perfect. It was definitely better than how we had lived for too many years.

Years later, my ABF of 3 yrs exposed me to the heroin mess. He was lost after that first hit. It was a sick battle that nearly killed me. How could I have found myself in this same type of situation again ? well, I loved him. And I needed help. We become sick, like they do, and we are co-dependent and enjoy the drama and rescue and words and crumbs that they feed us when they want or need something. Angry when we say no or don't do what they wish.

I sat in a parking lot one day, screaming for him to get out of my car, over and over with the windows open. Not one person helped. They know the deal. That was when I knew that my life wasn't anything like me. He ended up being so dependent upon me that he could not survive without me. I became his drug and he became mine. He passed away this spring.

Make a different ending here ... don't take too long. Hope of helping him, getting him to come back or getting him help - will stall you when you need to formulate a plan for yourself and your child.

We are here. Keep coming back. Hugs for you and your little one.

2littlegirls

So he's been gone for a week.Went to Cali to get help and be with his family. Don't know how I really feel about things. I guess I'm just trying to get my life back in order.

ShootingStar1

From my experience, after finally leaving a then abusive alcoholic husband of 20 years, I had to make a distinction between what my heart felt and what my mind knew.

I made the decisions I needed to rationally make to leave and get myself safe and take care of myself financially. And while I did that, I accepted that my heart and feelings were all over the globe with loss and anger and grief and pain and regret and guilt.

It took a lot of work over the past three years to integrate my rational mind and my feelings, and I'm glad I did what I had to when I needed to at the beginning. The long process of healing has been a godsend to me, and I much happier and healtier now that I ever was.

My best wishes to you; stay as close to SoberRecovery as you want, and you'll find huge support for you here.

ShootingStar1