His parents are coming, he's using.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
His parents are coming, he's using.
My husband is in active addiction as of a couple days ago, he smokes heroin and sometimes meth.
We've been married just over 3 years. When we met, he was charming, good-looking, active, energetic. His victory over addiction was part of his charm. I valiantly (haha) ignored the warning signs and jumped in headfirst. I found out he had relapsed about 8 months into our marriage, but by then I was already pregnant.
I didn't want to know the truth about addiction before I married him. I sentenced myself and my precious baby to a life of chaos.
It's been the typical roller coaster ever since the first relapse. I was about to file for divorce so he cleaned up his act for a couple of weeks, but now we're back to square one.
Oh and I recently found out he's been trying to email girls with online personal ads.
In about 10 days, his parents are flying in from across the country to visit us and see their grandchild. They don't have tons of money and this is a big expense for them. They are nice and have been supportive and sympathetic toward me, but enabled him for most of his life and still don't "get" addiction. They will happily ignore or very possibly not notice his drug use during their stay. He's mild-mannered and agreeable when he's using.
If it wasn't for their impending visit, I'd move forward with filing for divorce in the next few days.
So what do I do? Ignore his use for a few weeks to placate his parents? File, and ruin their trip and my child's limited time with her grandparents? We are new in town so if I kick him out he doesn't have friends to stay with. And there would of course be all kinds of drama if he wasn't living here during his parents' visit.
Thoughts?? Thanks!
We've been married just over 3 years. When we met, he was charming, good-looking, active, energetic. His victory over addiction was part of his charm. I valiantly (haha) ignored the warning signs and jumped in headfirst. I found out he had relapsed about 8 months into our marriage, but by then I was already pregnant.
I didn't want to know the truth about addiction before I married him. I sentenced myself and my precious baby to a life of chaos.
It's been the typical roller coaster ever since the first relapse. I was about to file for divorce so he cleaned up his act for a couple of weeks, but now we're back to square one.
Oh and I recently found out he's been trying to email girls with online personal ads.
In about 10 days, his parents are flying in from across the country to visit us and see their grandchild. They don't have tons of money and this is a big expense for them. They are nice and have been supportive and sympathetic toward me, but enabled him for most of his life and still don't "get" addiction. They will happily ignore or very possibly not notice his drug use during their stay. He's mild-mannered and agreeable when he's using.
If it wasn't for their impending visit, I'd move forward with filing for divorce in the next few days.
So what do I do? Ignore his use for a few weeks to placate his parents? File, and ruin their trip and my child's limited time with her grandparents? We are new in town so if I kick him out he doesn't have friends to stay with. And there would of course be all kinds of drama if he wasn't living here during his parents' visit.
Thoughts?? Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
It is often said that addiction is a 'family disease'. It is certainly a condition that affects the family, as in the situation you describe.
What about including his family in discussing what is being done in the family...bring the 'hidden things' to light, so that his family can be brought in to discuss the impact his addiction is REALLY having on the family...and the FACT that there will no longer be a family if he does not get FREE from the addiction. This can be done to actually prevent filing for divorce or throwing him out while they are there, and places the stress his addiction is causing on him, and not solely on you.
What about including his family in discussing what is being done in the family...bring the 'hidden things' to light, so that his family can be brought in to discuss the impact his addiction is REALLY having on the family...and the FACT that there will no longer be a family if he does not get FREE from the addiction. This can be done to actually prevent filing for divorce or throwing him out while they are there, and places the stress his addiction is causing on him, and not solely on you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
Thanks RDB. That's a good thought. I DON'T want to get divorced, I just feel like he's backed me into this impossible corner. But at the very least, having that talk with his parents would help them understand the current situation, so maybe I wouldn't end up being the spiteful cow who dumped their angel.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
Probably not want you want to do but I would be the voice of calm openness during the visit. I'd make no excuses and hide no behavior. I'd point out every drug behavior and keep doing so until they get it. And not in a mean way, just as calmly as you'd say "do you want chicken or fish for dinner. Such as....(while hubby is in the room) Mom, dad- sorry this might be a difficult visit, hubby has relapsed. If he's spending extended time in bathroom to use I'd say - we may have to wait, he's probably using.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Can you leave? Will your family take you in? Why do you feel sentenced to a life of chaos?
I wouldn't expect parent enablers to see the light nor would I expect them to be able to do much if they are usually not local.
I'd put my energy into Plan X for escape - yours.
I wouldn't expect parent enablers to see the light nor would I expect them to be able to do much if they are usually not local.
I'd put my energy into Plan X for escape - yours.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Oh, honey.
Your story sounds almost exactly the same as mine.
AH's family would love nothing more than for us to stay married, because if we do, they can blissfully pretend that all his issues & relapses & addict behavior don't exist-if he's married with a child, he's at least sort of normal, right?
They can't decide what they want to do; support me 100% because supporting me means supporting their grandchild, or support AH because he's their son. They were ever so supportive when I told them that if his bizarre, abusive & negligent behavior continued, I was filing for divorce.
Does that mean they're supportive across the board? Yeah, right. You better believe that behind my back, all they talk about is how his actions are somehow my fault.
I have filed already.
This week, I'm at a standstill. I have spent the last 3 days crying after the baby's asleep...in the car on the way to work, on the way to pick him up from daycare. Whenever the baby won't notice, I cry. So I haven't made any further steps toward divorce. (I still need to officially serve AH with the summons via certified mail.)
Am I still going to do it? Yes.
I do not have to stay married to AH, & it is clear that whether we're married, have a child, or not, it doesn't dictate how he's going to act.
He's going to do what he's going to do. And he can damn well deal with how I handle it.
I strongly suggest for yours & your precious baby's sakes that you at least start the process. Talk to an advocate. Talk to your counselor. Print out the paperwork. Put the date in the corner.
You will likely not have it in you to just sever your marriage in one fell swoop-clearly, I didn't & don't either.
But you do have it in you. Piece by piece.
And it is necessary.
Your story sounds almost exactly the same as mine.
AH's family would love nothing more than for us to stay married, because if we do, they can blissfully pretend that all his issues & relapses & addict behavior don't exist-if he's married with a child, he's at least sort of normal, right?
They can't decide what they want to do; support me 100% because supporting me means supporting their grandchild, or support AH because he's their son. They were ever so supportive when I told them that if his bizarre, abusive & negligent behavior continued, I was filing for divorce.
Does that mean they're supportive across the board? Yeah, right. You better believe that behind my back, all they talk about is how his actions are somehow my fault.
I have filed already.
This week, I'm at a standstill. I have spent the last 3 days crying after the baby's asleep...in the car on the way to work, on the way to pick him up from daycare. Whenever the baby won't notice, I cry. So I haven't made any further steps toward divorce. (I still need to officially serve AH with the summons via certified mail.)
Am I still going to do it? Yes.
I do not have to stay married to AH, & it is clear that whether we're married, have a child, or not, it doesn't dictate how he's going to act.
He's going to do what he's going to do. And he can damn well deal with how I handle it.
I strongly suggest for yours & your precious baby's sakes that you at least start the process. Talk to an advocate. Talk to your counselor. Print out the paperwork. Put the date in the corner.
You will likely not have it in you to just sever your marriage in one fell swoop-clearly, I didn't & don't either.
But you do have it in you. Piece by piece.
And it is necessary.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Just as an FYI to everyone, you are NOT legally required, once you have started the divorce process, to finalize.
In my state (AK), once the case number for a divorce is logged with the court, that case must remain open for up to 120 days. You may at any point proceed (serve the summons, schedule your court date, etc), but if you choose not to, at the end of that appointed waiting period, the courts simply close the case out with a predisposition (meaning that either they mark the case as able to be refiled, or so that neither party may file the same case again...I wouldn't think it would be likely that they would prohibit a person from refiling a divorce complaint, though.)
I urge you to call local resource agencies who often hold FREE short info classes on state divorce law, how to do paperwork, etc. And/or your local courthouse liaison for specific information on what your rights are & what you're required to do.
Knowledge is power...or...what's that? "The more you know..."
In my state (AK), once the case number for a divorce is logged with the court, that case must remain open for up to 120 days. You may at any point proceed (serve the summons, schedule your court date, etc), but if you choose not to, at the end of that appointed waiting period, the courts simply close the case out with a predisposition (meaning that either they mark the case as able to be refiled, or so that neither party may file the same case again...I wouldn't think it would be likely that they would prohibit a person from refiling a divorce complaint, though.)
I urge you to call local resource agencies who often hold FREE short info classes on state divorce law, how to do paperwork, etc. And/or your local courthouse liaison for specific information on what your rights are & what you're required to do.
Knowledge is power...or...what's that? "The more you know..."
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