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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 3
Newbie
Hi All,
I am not new to social forums although I am new to substance abuse.
I'll give you a little back ground. I was married for 14 years (1998-2012). After the first affair we stayed together, after the second affair, which lasted 2 years, it took awhile but we are no longer together. I used alot of forums and web sites to stay sane during the "trying to work it out" stage.
After a year of getting my S*&% together...taking care of myself....my kids...etc...I finally thought I was past the bitterness enough to try dating.
Thats where my addict bf comes in. We met in 2013. He was open and upfront about his issues. He had a work injury and became addicted to Oxy. He hit rock bottom, went to a 90 day rehab out west and got clean. At the time he was a recovering addict for 2 years. We were off and on and very casual for about a year. By choice. Him an addict, me recovering from a narcassistic ex. we took it slow.
We became bf/gf last year. Feb '14.
He very recently had a relapse. He got out of detox on saturday. He is signed up for a program but there are no beds until August. He says he knows what he needs to do. He stopped working the program. Had another work injury. Refused narcotics until it became too much and finally started usig percs. He says he knew right away that he had to stop. 2 cash advances, an empty bank account and 2 1/2 months later is when he came forward.
I've read alot of..... didn't cause....can't control....can't cure.....
It definitely hits a cord.
With my ex and the cheating....the degrading...the second guessing myself....it took alot to get over....to regain some self esteem. And I'm a work in progress.
I'm hear to read and listen and learn. I can't tell you where I'll be in a year. But I come first. I want to be supportive. I want to be helpful. I don't want to be walked on. I don't want to feel guilty.
I am not new to social forums although I am new to substance abuse.
I'll give you a little back ground. I was married for 14 years (1998-2012). After the first affair we stayed together, after the second affair, which lasted 2 years, it took awhile but we are no longer together. I used alot of forums and web sites to stay sane during the "trying to work it out" stage.
After a year of getting my S*&% together...taking care of myself....my kids...etc...I finally thought I was past the bitterness enough to try dating.
Thats where my addict bf comes in. We met in 2013. He was open and upfront about his issues. He had a work injury and became addicted to Oxy. He hit rock bottom, went to a 90 day rehab out west and got clean. At the time he was a recovering addict for 2 years. We were off and on and very casual for about a year. By choice. Him an addict, me recovering from a narcassistic ex. we took it slow.
We became bf/gf last year. Feb '14.
He very recently had a relapse. He got out of detox on saturday. He is signed up for a program but there are no beds until August. He says he knows what he needs to do. He stopped working the program. Had another work injury. Refused narcotics until it became too much and finally started usig percs. He says he knew right away that he had to stop. 2 cash advances, an empty bank account and 2 1/2 months later is when he came forward.
I've read alot of..... didn't cause....can't control....can't cure.....
It definitely hits a cord.
With my ex and the cheating....the degrading...the second guessing myself....it took alot to get over....to regain some self esteem. And I'm a work in progress.
I'm hear to read and listen and learn. I can't tell you where I'll be in a year. But I come first. I want to be supportive. I want to be helpful. I don't want to be walked on. I don't want to feel guilty.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
bs37nf...
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry in being late in responding to this. I'm also glad you took the step to post what's been going on. Other members will be by in due course, so until they do, I'd like to share some feedback.
We see a lot of stories very much like yours. A woman meets a guy...the guy is "honest" about his past...they start dating...and then, at some point, comes a relapse. It happens quite often.
When you say you can't tell where you're going to be in a year, the same truism holds for your ABF. In fact, we don't know where he's going to be tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that. What I know to be true is if he's serious about his recovery, he's going to be in for a hell of a fight. Based on that, you have to make a decision as to whether he can provide you what you need.
And you have to be honest with yourself about that. You've had one awful, traumatic experience in your past. This current experience has the potential to be traumatic in a different way. So, what I encourage you to do is learn as much as you can stomach about what it is your up against. The only way you can make the best decisions for you is if you learn, absorb, and be honest with yourself about what you're seeing from him, and your own needs.
And that can be a tall order. When we care about someone a lot, we tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. So when we see red flags, sometimes we ignore them...and when we do, it often comes back to bite us in the backside. You can't afford that.
Anyways, enough. I'm glad you're here, and I'm hopeful that you're willing and able to learn. Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry in being late in responding to this. I'm also glad you took the step to post what's been going on. Other members will be by in due course, so until they do, I'd like to share some feedback.
I'm hear to read and listen and learn. I can't tell you where I'll be in a year. But I come first. I want to be supportive. I want to be helpful. I don't want to be walked on. I don't want to feel guilty.
When you say you can't tell where you're going to be in a year, the same truism holds for your ABF. In fact, we don't know where he's going to be tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that. What I know to be true is if he's serious about his recovery, he's going to be in for a hell of a fight. Based on that, you have to make a decision as to whether he can provide you what you need.
And you have to be honest with yourself about that. You've had one awful, traumatic experience in your past. This current experience has the potential to be traumatic in a different way. So, what I encourage you to do is learn as much as you can stomach about what it is your up against. The only way you can make the best decisions for you is if you learn, absorb, and be honest with yourself about what you're seeing from him, and your own needs.
And that can be a tall order. When we care about someone a lot, we tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. So when we see red flags, sometimes we ignore them...and when we do, it often comes back to bite us in the backside. You can't afford that.
Anyways, enough. I'm glad you're here, and I'm hopeful that you're willing and able to learn. Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the welcome....and in advance for the support.
I've lived the last 5 years or so "one day at a time" and hoping to continue to do so. I am very honest with myself and my partner about my needs and what I hope to gain and give to/from the relationship. A few years of therapy helps, lol.
I have been making my way thru the stickies in this forum as well as reading up on the Nar-Anon groups linked with this site.
Nar-Anon Family Group
Nar-Anon Online Forum/Online Meetings
All the information is really helpful so far. We don't have any naranon mettings close by but im looking into the alanon ones for now. I have a girlfriend who was/is struggling with an alcholic father so she has been a great help and support. I may attend a meeting with her in the next week or so. My bf has expressed that I can come to any open meeting with him whenever I want to.
I'm not sure about that yet. I know what it feels like to have someone listen in on a private conversation. Thats what it feels like I would be doing. I don't want him to feel like he isn't able to express what he wants becuase I'm sitting there. He says he wouldn't but I would say anything infront of him and I still would be intimidated. I tend to internalize before I voice something. A meeting would give me a bit of an overload at the moment. Maybe.....once I absorb a little bit more....
I've lived the last 5 years or so "one day at a time" and hoping to continue to do so. I am very honest with myself and my partner about my needs and what I hope to gain and give to/from the relationship. A few years of therapy helps, lol.
I have been making my way thru the stickies in this forum as well as reading up on the Nar-Anon groups linked with this site.
Nar-Anon Family Group
Nar-Anon Online Forum/Online Meetings
All the information is really helpful so far. We don't have any naranon mettings close by but im looking into the alanon ones for now. I have a girlfriend who was/is struggling with an alcholic father so she has been a great help and support. I may attend a meeting with her in the next week or so. My bf has expressed that I can come to any open meeting with him whenever I want to.
I'm not sure about that yet. I know what it feels like to have someone listen in on a private conversation. Thats what it feels like I would be doing. I don't want him to feel like he isn't able to express what he wants becuase I'm sitting there. He says he wouldn't but I would say anything infront of him and I still would be intimidated. I tend to internalize before I voice something. A meeting would give me a bit of an overload at the moment. Maybe.....once I absorb a little bit more....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by bs37nf 
What is everyone's take on attending meetings together? helpful? detrimental? I know every person is different....was just curious in others experiences.
If you're not comfortable going to meetings with him, then you don't have to. I think finding an Alanon meeting for yourself is a great idea. There's no pressure to share or read, if you want you can just introduce yourself and listen.
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