mnh1982

Meehhh, backstory. I'll just cut to the chase.

AH is living back at home with myself & our baby. After his "reappearance", he had been living with his dad (FIL) for a while, but is now back at home.

To his credit, he isn't drinking, using, smoking cigarettes, or acting like a complete ****stick.

He has been staying up at night with Baby, using his unemployment $$$ to buy whatever I tell him to, taking care of the dog, and working odd jobs for cash while still looking for employment. He cleans, makes dinner, collects things like potting soil and random pots for my garden. Essentially, he has finally started doing all the things I asked him to do before I kicked him out.

Maybe this is because I put the divorce summons in front of his face and very bluntly asked him if he thought I was kidding around when I told him I had filed?

He will not go into detail about the "whys". He literally cannot explain WHY he disappeared, didn't call, etc, for over a month. Like so many addicts, his emotional toolbox is not equipped with that kind of communication tool, or the tools to express himself without letting his emotions get the better of him.

Blah, blah, blah. I know. It all sounds like a bunch of excuses for his crappy behavior.

Here's the thing. I am TIRED. I am so, so, so tired of juggernauting through all the BS, the issues, trying to drag the 'truth' out of him, playing behavior police. So far, he is a new person now that he is allowed back at home.

That doesn't mean my guard is down. Far from it. I have no problem calling the cops the second he does something out of place, filing a restraining order and finalizing the divorce.

The divorce will stay open with the courts for 120 days from the date of filing. So, he has the summer, give or take a few weeks, to stay consistent and keep from effing up.

This wasn't ever about my not loving him, nor wanting us to be a family. It was always about his inability to love HIMSELF enough to realise that he is a better person than his addict self, and that he does deserve a family and a normal life.

Anyway, ugh. I'm sure this all sounds like a big fat backpedal on my part. I'm just not sure continuing to play hardball is productive...and I want us to be a family and continue to improve.

Thanks for your support, everyone...it helps immensely.

ladyscribbler

Get some rest. More will be revealed. (((Hugs)))

zoso77

This probably doesn't need to be said, but we don't always get what we want.

And sometimes what we want isn't necessarily the same thing as what's best for us.

mnh1982

Very true, Zo.

I guess mainly, I'm just effing tired. It's summer, and I want to enjoy it with my son.

But...*whine whine whine*, right? I should likely just suck it up, finalize the divorce and continue disassociating from AH because, also likely, his "good behavior" won't last.

Sometimes I feel like I spend all my time trying to talk myself out of doing the "right" thing.

Ugh.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Mnh, I dont always have advice for the spouses, but I totally understand the being tired and over it. I think you know this is a temporary thing. Dont let your guard down, that is when the denial will set in. Put yourself FIRST and your child!
I admire that you are seeing the reality and watching the actions and ignoring the words.

zoso77

I believe doing the right thing is often the hardest thing. I believe doing the right thing often doesn't feel good.

And I also believe that each of us arrives that understanding when we're meant to.

Just don't delude yourself.

JOIE12

you will find your way ... as you can handle 'seeing' it with open eyes,

I grew tired of feeling like I had some sort of imaginary power over my deceased ABF. Always looking for another trump card. Thinking that anything that I said or did or threatened to do - had lasting impact.

What I did find is peace and the tired feeling was frustration - at not having what I knew that I needed.

When you are ready MNH, you will find this too.

ella213

I'm right there with you.. We have a baby too. Two weeks ago I filled out divorce papers and was trying to find time to file. When he figured out I was serious, he ditched the heroin and turned into Mr Amazing, the guy I married.

I almost wish he'd just stay awful, I hate these glimpses of what I know is only temporary. Things are already beginning to unravel.

mnh1982

Ella, I totally feel you.

Truth be told, AH has NOT been consistent since he's been back, but, truth be told again, that's kind of what I was testing for. This whole trial period of him being allowed to move back home was to see if he could finally be mature enough to stay even-keeled, or at least act like an adult, even when things are not "perfect".

Thus far, he spent all day last Saturday sleeping because "it's the weekend, he didn't feel good, & he should be 'allowed' to sleep if he wants". (Um, he's unemployed. EVERY DAY IS A WEEKEND.) I gave up on that battle because I can't physically force him out of bed before 10am to spend time with myself & the baby.

No matter how "sick" he feels during the day, he can always find time to go fishing at night, not returning until 1 or 2am.

And, now he's disappeared again.

I left for work at 7:30 yesterday. He was still in bed showing no signs of getting up.

When I got home yesterday, he was gone, & the baby's bed/room & the couch were torn apart as if he were looking for something.

I locked the doors so he couldn't get back in (he doesn't have a key) last night, & he did not return.

I'm continuing the divorce process on Thursday when I get paid, so that I can pay for certified mail to serve him the summons.

Strike Three & a bunch of foul balls, AH.

Hugs. I know exactly where you're at right now & it is a hard hard hard situation...

JOIE12

i remember now how i used to expect my ABF to use common sense and behave as normal people. Cause that's what I needed.

hello !!!!! ummmm .... he was on HEROIN !!!! there is no common sense and no normal behavior. It was such a 'fail' .... my normal clear drug free thoughts would never make contact with someone who was drugged all of the time.

it was the most ridiculous thing...my mind had become ill

mnh1982

Oh, no not at all. It's sooooo not just you.

I find myself DAILY falling into the "but he DID/WAS/SAID trap"-AH will do, act, or say something positive, for example buying me a pair of earrings, & I will find any excuse in the damn book to keep giving him credit for it, even as he is in the middle of doing something else absolutely bizarre, immature or unacceptable.

I'm doing it literally right now-I came home to a sparkling clean house & no AH. Not sure what the motive is there, but does it make up for disappearing last night? No. Does it make up for his sleeping all day Saturday? No. For the fact that he didn't do ANYTHING with me & the baby all weekend? No.

It sucks. I want him to be normal. But is he going to? Apparently not, and I am not going to wait around for another 2, 4, 6....20+ years for him to grow up...

At this point I totally feel *******...because I'm NOT sad. I'm not stressing out about it anymore. I have merely decided that my life is, in fact, easier, less complicated, less drama-tastic & more fulfilling without him in it.

And that sucks. It really sucks. But it just is what it is.

hopeful4

It does suck, but you are so right. The constant merry go round of trying to keep a happy life while you have no idea whey they may pull next is just too exhausting to live with.

Hugs to you! Take good care of you and your little baby!