To Reach Out Or Not To Reach Out...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
And I would never pursue a married man. I simply meant to message him and let him know that I'd be there for him if he ever wanted to seek recovery
1. it is hugely inappropriate to reach out to someone else's husband and tell them you are still THERE for them.
2. what special skills do YOU possess that he would want to turn to YOU for help with recovery?
3. what makes you think he is remotely interested in recovery.
he left you.
he married someone else.
END OF STORY. take addiction out of it and you have the same ending.
1. it is hugely inappropriate to reach out to someone else's husband and tell them you are still THERE for them.
2. what special skills do YOU possess that he would want to turn to YOU for help with recovery?
3. what makes you think he is remotely interested in recovery.
he left you.
he married someone else.
END OF STORY. take addiction out of it and you have the same ending.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
I'm not going to pile on further, James, because I kind of get where you're at, and I actually think it's a good turning point for you to start asking yourself some of the questions you're posing.
But I am going to share a couple of things from my own experience, my own past. First: several years ago, when I was still with my addicted ex -- and a nervous wreck -- I was starting to realize that I was responsible for my own state of mind. Well, how could that be? The man who loved me was an addict and was treating me terribly, neglecting my emotional needs, neglecting our relationship, putting me at risk financially and legally. Of course I am miserable. I should be miserable, given the situation. And then I realized, well, he's an addict. That's what addicts do.
I hadn't found this site yet so hadn't seen the "sticky" that's what addicts do," but this realization for me was profound. It was the start of my recovery. I started to realize that I was living in the Land of "Should," as in he should care more, he should see how much I love him, he should give me the love I deserve. He should stop using drugs.
And I realized that it was very important for me to emigrate from the Land of "Should" to the Land of "Is." He is an addict. He is not giving me what I need emotionally. He is not interested in stopping. He is sick, but he is not interested in recovery. Being involved with him is putting my interests at risk. It is not healthy for me to remain in the relationship.
This sounds like a trite, childish realization, but it was huge, life-changing for me. I have started to apply it to family relationships, business relationships, to all aspects of my life. I think in terms of IS, not SHOULD. Maybe a should or two here and there when you realize you can change something without much trouble ("I should lose 20 lbs") -- but even here, it helps me more to think of it as "I am 20 lbs overweight. It is time to start my diet. If someone lies, I don't think, "she should be more honest." I think, "She is dishonest and it is risky to do business with her."
Since then I have realized that the great majority of people I interact with live in the land of "Should." Getting out of that mindset, eliminating denial and accepting things as they are, was life-changing for me.
Your ex IS married now. He IS not calling you. He knows where to get in touch with you presumably, so it IS his choice not to call. He IS an addict, and he never did give you the emotional comfort that you needed or deserve. We don't win every battle.
The second thing I wanted to share is that your relationship reminds me a lot of a relationship I had about 12 years ago, when my ex was just starting his descent into addiction. I met this man, a Spanish man, who was just beautiful. He worked near me and we would have lunch almost every day. We never actually did anything physical -- he seemed shy, and I was in a relationship, but I felt such a yearning, one that since I was already in a relationship I did not let myself feel or understand. And I ended up projecting my yearning onto him. Major obsession, I was consumed by it. But no one ever knew. Looking back, what I think I was really doing was avoiding looking at a discomfort -- red flags -- that were occurring in my relationship with my ex, and using the Spanish man as a distraction. Eventually I realized that the relationship wasn't good for me and I stopped seeing the Spanish guy, but did I ever pine for him. It took a year to get over that, and many more years to understand the dynamics of what was really happening.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you may be using this guy as a distraction to avoid focusing on certain things about yourself, your life. I know that I would use relationships for that purpose -- years ago. Or you might just have a lot invested in that relationship and not want to lose your investment. Well, as we say in finance, at a certain point, you have to stop throwing good money after bad.
These are just my thoughts, take what you want and leave the rest.
But I am going to share a couple of things from my own experience, my own past. First: several years ago, when I was still with my addicted ex -- and a nervous wreck -- I was starting to realize that I was responsible for my own state of mind. Well, how could that be? The man who loved me was an addict and was treating me terribly, neglecting my emotional needs, neglecting our relationship, putting me at risk financially and legally. Of course I am miserable. I should be miserable, given the situation. And then I realized, well, he's an addict. That's what addicts do.
I hadn't found this site yet so hadn't seen the "sticky" that's what addicts do," but this realization for me was profound. It was the start of my recovery. I started to realize that I was living in the Land of "Should," as in he should care more, he should see how much I love him, he should give me the love I deserve. He should stop using drugs.
And I realized that it was very important for me to emigrate from the Land of "Should" to the Land of "Is." He is an addict. He is not giving me what I need emotionally. He is not interested in stopping. He is sick, but he is not interested in recovery. Being involved with him is putting my interests at risk. It is not healthy for me to remain in the relationship.
This sounds like a trite, childish realization, but it was huge, life-changing for me. I have started to apply it to family relationships, business relationships, to all aspects of my life. I think in terms of IS, not SHOULD. Maybe a should or two here and there when you realize you can change something without much trouble ("I should lose 20 lbs") -- but even here, it helps me more to think of it as "I am 20 lbs overweight. It is time to start my diet. If someone lies, I don't think, "she should be more honest." I think, "She is dishonest and it is risky to do business with her."
Since then I have realized that the great majority of people I interact with live in the land of "Should." Getting out of that mindset, eliminating denial and accepting things as they are, was life-changing for me.
Your ex IS married now. He IS not calling you. He knows where to get in touch with you presumably, so it IS his choice not to call. He IS an addict, and he never did give you the emotional comfort that you needed or deserve. We don't win every battle.
The second thing I wanted to share is that your relationship reminds me a lot of a relationship I had about 12 years ago, when my ex was just starting his descent into addiction. I met this man, a Spanish man, who was just beautiful. He worked near me and we would have lunch almost every day. We never actually did anything physical -- he seemed shy, and I was in a relationship, but I felt such a yearning, one that since I was already in a relationship I did not let myself feel or understand. And I ended up projecting my yearning onto him. Major obsession, I was consumed by it. But no one ever knew. Looking back, what I think I was really doing was avoiding looking at a discomfort -- red flags -- that were occurring in my relationship with my ex, and using the Spanish man as a distraction. Eventually I realized that the relationship wasn't good for me and I stopped seeing the Spanish guy, but did I ever pine for him. It took a year to get over that, and many more years to understand the dynamics of what was really happening.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you may be using this guy as a distraction to avoid focusing on certain things about yourself, your life. I know that I would use relationships for that purpose -- years ago. Or you might just have a lot invested in that relationship and not want to lose your investment. Well, as we say in finance, at a certain point, you have to stop throwing good money after bad.
These are just my thoughts, take what you want and leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by James86 
It's been a long time since I've posted here, but I could really use some advice. Due to my work schedule I also haven't been able to attend Naranon meetings. But I've been struggling lately with missing my drug addicted ex boyfriend.
A brief history: Me and my ex were together for nearly 8 years. I'm 29 and he's 26. He always smoked marijuana, but didn't start using heroin until our last year together. His opiate addiction started with painkillers. Anyway, after a stay in rehab and him returning home, I ended up kicking him out once I found out he was cheating on me with a 19 year old drug addict he met in NA meetings and using again. There were just too many lies. The cheating was the worst part, though. He ended up moving into that kid's family's house. And I say kid because he is a kid. This all happened last May. It's been a year and they're still using and living in that house. The kid's parents enable my ex so badly from what I hear -- they pay for his phone, legal bills, etc. He found the perfect situation to help his drug use survive. They also got married 8 weeks after I kicked him out. He only knew the kid for 3-4 months at that time.
Anyway, here I am -- almost a year after kicking him out. I haven't talked to my ex since November. He reached out once in January to get something he left behind, but I refused to answer. Lately, though, I've been missing him. I never stopped. I think about him every single day. I tell people I'm not, but I feel like I'm waiting for him to change and come after me. Will he ever realize he screwed up and left the best thing he had?
What I'm really here to ask is -- would it be a good thing or a bad thing to reach out to him and just let him know that I'll always be there for him when he's ready. Does he likely already know that? Part of me wants him to know that, but another part feels like I deserve him to realize what he did to me and fix it on his own. I'm just so conflicted. I'm not saying that I want to date him while he's using. I would never. I want him to get clean though.
A brief history: Me and my ex were together for nearly 8 years. I'm 29 and he's 26. He always smoked marijuana, but didn't start using heroin until our last year together. His opiate addiction started with painkillers. Anyway, after a stay in rehab and him returning home, I ended up kicking him out once I found out he was cheating on me with a 19 year old drug addict he met in NA meetings and using again. There were just too many lies. The cheating was the worst part, though. He ended up moving into that kid's family's house. And I say kid because he is a kid. This all happened last May. It's been a year and they're still using and living in that house. The kid's parents enable my ex so badly from what I hear -- they pay for his phone, legal bills, etc. He found the perfect situation to help his drug use survive. They also got married 8 weeks after I kicked him out. He only knew the kid for 3-4 months at that time.
Anyway, here I am -- almost a year after kicking him out. I haven't talked to my ex since November. He reached out once in January to get something he left behind, but I refused to answer. Lately, though, I've been missing him. I never stopped. I think about him every single day. I tell people I'm not, but I feel like I'm waiting for him to change and come after me. Will he ever realize he screwed up and left the best thing he had?
What I'm really here to ask is -- would it be a good thing or a bad thing to reach out to him and just let him know that I'll always be there for him when he's ready. Does he likely already know that? Part of me wants him to know that, but another part feels like I deserve him to realize what he did to me and fix it on his own. I'm just so conflicted. I'm not saying that I want to date him while he's using. I would never. I want him to get clean though.
Personally I wouldnt contact him at this point. He has built a new life up around him and is very involved in it from what you wrote. My belief is he knows you would be there for him if he asked for help based on the history you shared. I would take comfort in this.
I think its normal for feelings to bubble up at times and for different reasons. Id say explore your reasons. You sound like a caring person, and I hope you look for another relationship when you feel ready.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
