Letting of is hard
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 30
Letting of is hard
I broke up with my boyfriend who since leaving rehab last spring has chronically relapsed (May, July, October...and now these past two weeks after our breakup).
Changed my cell#, blocked his calls to my home phone.
So he emails or leaves notes outside my door now.
After his binge two weekends ago he claimed only to have used because I said goodbye. I know in my heart he was likely using before these past two weekends likely as early as beginning of February when I asked him to move out or at least already regressing to relapse which is what prompted my decision to end things instead of just live separately.
Of course last nights note left at my doorstep was more of blaming me for his using to block the pain of me not being around. Claiming at least this time he hadn't involved another female?!? As if I believe him.
The lies, omissions and emotionally abusive behaviour were what resulted in the original request for him to move out. Along with not really working an active recovery and missing counselling and step groups and all the things that of course were promised in order for me to consider another chance back in October after the last binge.
Nothing good comes of replying - I know this, which is why I am not but it is hard. I don't feel he is taking responsibility for his relapse/binges but still blaming me in a roundabout way. His note asks me to let him know if there are still feelings or just say goodbye or no. Why? Why can't he just decide to get clean if he really wants a future or not ...and if not then just leave me be to heal.
I feel he simply expects me to continue supporting him and focusing all my energies on his addiction or half assed intermittent recovery attempts. Am I wrong to think it's ok to say we aren't healthy like this - go away and if getting clean & staying clean is a priority do it on your own and then a year or do down the road when it's more solid feel free to look me up?
I feel like he wants me to keep putting my life and happiness on hold while he really doesn't need to do the work to make words and actions match.
And truth be told after all the affairs, lies, betrayals I don't know that we would ever have a chance down the road even if he were clean. He kept saying these past few months that it's me who doesn't want to move forward but I feel I haven't had a chance to as every few days/week or month there is a new lie or omission or behaviour that is reminiscent of active addiction or some random female or young male that also uses/parties involved and lied about. I don't feel I should be required to give kudos for him going to work or counting clean time, not be able to express concerns about the lack of a recovery program and then at the same time be expected to react every time he is "struggling" or be "responsible" for his choice to use.
He expects me to sit on the sidelines again and pine away for him to *hopefully* make some serious headway in his recovery while once again he circles back to random addicts and people who associate with the co addict he cheated on me with while living in the transition house after rehab.
I also feel frustrated that nothing - not me, the kids - are anywhere near as important to him as his drugs or his impressing the next random person who will somehow enable/support him or one of his addictions. He will drop 650-1000 on a binge night simple because he wants to "thank" the person who is letting him use at their place ....yet no consideration goes to the debts/bills he could be paying off with that money. I know expecting rational thought process is silly.
It's humiliating to realize how much hope I have clung to and how much I have attached my self worth to someone who lies cheats uses (drugs & people) all for the few times we I guess pretended everything was ok/normal.
Sorry not sure I'm looking for answers just venting really as my emotions are all over the map.
Changed my cell#, blocked his calls to my home phone.
So he emails or leaves notes outside my door now.
After his binge two weekends ago he claimed only to have used because I said goodbye. I know in my heart he was likely using before these past two weekends likely as early as beginning of February when I asked him to move out or at least already regressing to relapse which is what prompted my decision to end things instead of just live separately.
Of course last nights note left at my doorstep was more of blaming me for his using to block the pain of me not being around. Claiming at least this time he hadn't involved another female?!? As if I believe him.
The lies, omissions and emotionally abusive behaviour were what resulted in the original request for him to move out. Along with not really working an active recovery and missing counselling and step groups and all the things that of course were promised in order for me to consider another chance back in October after the last binge.
Nothing good comes of replying - I know this, which is why I am not but it is hard. I don't feel he is taking responsibility for his relapse/binges but still blaming me in a roundabout way. His note asks me to let him know if there are still feelings or just say goodbye or no. Why? Why can't he just decide to get clean if he really wants a future or not ...and if not then just leave me be to heal.
I feel he simply expects me to continue supporting him and focusing all my energies on his addiction or half assed intermittent recovery attempts. Am I wrong to think it's ok to say we aren't healthy like this - go away and if getting clean & staying clean is a priority do it on your own and then a year or do down the road when it's more solid feel free to look me up?
I feel like he wants me to keep putting my life and happiness on hold while he really doesn't need to do the work to make words and actions match.
And truth be told after all the affairs, lies, betrayals I don't know that we would ever have a chance down the road even if he were clean. He kept saying these past few months that it's me who doesn't want to move forward but I feel I haven't had a chance to as every few days/week or month there is a new lie or omission or behaviour that is reminiscent of active addiction or some random female or young male that also uses/parties involved and lied about. I don't feel I should be required to give kudos for him going to work or counting clean time, not be able to express concerns about the lack of a recovery program and then at the same time be expected to react every time he is "struggling" or be "responsible" for his choice to use.
He expects me to sit on the sidelines again and pine away for him to *hopefully* make some serious headway in his recovery while once again he circles back to random addicts and people who associate with the co addict he cheated on me with while living in the transition house after rehab.
I also feel frustrated that nothing - not me, the kids - are anywhere near as important to him as his drugs or his impressing the next random person who will somehow enable/support him or one of his addictions. He will drop 650-1000 on a binge night simple because he wants to "thank" the person who is letting him use at their place ....yet no consideration goes to the debts/bills he could be paying off with that money. I know expecting rational thought process is silly.
It's humiliating to realize how much hope I have clung to and how much I have attached my self worth to someone who lies cheats uses (drugs & people) all for the few times we I guess pretended everything was ok/normal.
Sorry not sure I'm looking for answers just venting really as my emotions are all over the map.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Vent away! That's what we are here for. It's so hard when they just won't let go. However, if you continue to not respond eventually he will run out of steam.
Tight hugs to you. Stay strong and don't engage!
Tight hugs to you. Stay strong and don't engage!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
So he emails or leaves notes outside my door now.
Z
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