Wrestling with tough love, boundaries, and fear of death
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
vaya, 4 1/2 years isn't a long time, so please be gentle with yourself. It's so hard to say no to someone we love and it's doubly hard to say no to a child.
You WILL get stronger every day if you work at it.
You WILL get stronger every day if you work at it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Hey Vaya so sorry to hear what you are going through. I myself am a Heroin addict albeit with 2 and a half years clean currently, but know the struggle all too well. I RARELY post over here on friends and family mainly out of respect because I am not sure my voice necessarily belongs here, but your story hits home so I feel the need to at least comment and of course take it or leave it.
First off I am not positive if I missed part of the explanation on how the whole car situation works. Not that it matters, but is the car parked in front of your house? Do you give him the keys to start it in case he needs to run the heat? Do you drive this car everyday? Actually the questions do not really matter because I do think it is still enabling but that being said do you drive this car? What happens if you get pulled over and there is a needle or a stamp bag stuffed under the seat? If he does have the key for heat what if he drives off in your car and kills someone?
I know you are just trying to at the very least convince yourself if something terrible happens you can say well I didn't completely cut him off. I see lots of posts from moms saying what if my son/daughter dies from their addiction and I didn't SAVE them - how can I live with myself. Unfortunately that is what parents feel and until I finally had kids I couldn't understand it either, but the truth is YOU CAN'T SAVE HIM. I know you are grasping at anything you can, but there comes a time where what seems like helping an addict avoid a cold night on the street or a legal consequence or any other negative consequence of their addiction is without a doubt HURTING THEM in the long run. Keeping them from hitting the emotional bottom that is necessary for so many addicts to turn it around.
Completely backwards logic I know, but for me (and yes this is just for me, but I have been around long enough to realize it is the truth for many an addict) I had to experience the consequences. I am not saying early on you shouldn't try to do what you can to point them in the right direction, but after repeated attempts and proof that they are just basically using you and making you out to be the fool you have to take a step back and let them feel the full consequences of their actions NO MATTER how hard it might be.
If it was not for consequences I would still be using. I know this to be fact. With addiction it isn't a 50/50 proposition. It is not like normal logic where once something becomes 51 percent bad to 49 percent good we quit. No I could honestly convince myself to keep using as long as it was 1 percent good and 99 percent bad. It made sense in my mind which was hijacked obviously. The consequences, loss of self respect, self esteem, and loss of mind and body were what finally broke me. It took what it took and I sure hope it doesn't take that for your son, but it might.
Again just an opinion of a junky so don't put too much stock in it. I can say today with 2 1/2 years sober I don't think about using and if the thought does cross my mind I think of only the bad things - no romanticising or reminiscing the extremely few good things left. Nope only misery and despair. NO THANKS!! I hope your son find his way, but if not I hope you find peace and understand it IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
First off I am not positive if I missed part of the explanation on how the whole car situation works. Not that it matters, but is the car parked in front of your house? Do you give him the keys to start it in case he needs to run the heat? Do you drive this car everyday? Actually the questions do not really matter because I do think it is still enabling but that being said do you drive this car? What happens if you get pulled over and there is a needle or a stamp bag stuffed under the seat? If he does have the key for heat what if he drives off in your car and kills someone?
I know you are just trying to at the very least convince yourself if something terrible happens you can say well I didn't completely cut him off. I see lots of posts from moms saying what if my son/daughter dies from their addiction and I didn't SAVE them - how can I live with myself. Unfortunately that is what parents feel and until I finally had kids I couldn't understand it either, but the truth is YOU CAN'T SAVE HIM. I know you are grasping at anything you can, but there comes a time where what seems like helping an addict avoid a cold night on the street or a legal consequence or any other negative consequence of their addiction is without a doubt HURTING THEM in the long run. Keeping them from hitting the emotional bottom that is necessary for so many addicts to turn it around.
Completely backwards logic I know, but for me (and yes this is just for me, but I have been around long enough to realize it is the truth for many an addict) I had to experience the consequences. I am not saying early on you shouldn't try to do what you can to point them in the right direction, but after repeated attempts and proof that they are just basically using you and making you out to be the fool you have to take a step back and let them feel the full consequences of their actions NO MATTER how hard it might be.
If it was not for consequences I would still be using. I know this to be fact. With addiction it isn't a 50/50 proposition. It is not like normal logic where once something becomes 51 percent bad to 49 percent good we quit. No I could honestly convince myself to keep using as long as it was 1 percent good and 99 percent bad. It made sense in my mind which was hijacked obviously. The consequences, loss of self respect, self esteem, and loss of mind and body were what finally broke me. It took what it took and I sure hope it doesn't take that for your son, but it might.
Again just an opinion of a junky so don't put too much stock in it. I can say today with 2 1/2 years sober I don't think about using and if the thought does cross my mind I think of only the bad things - no romanticising or reminiscing the extremely few good things left. Nope only misery and despair. NO THANKS!! I hope your son find his way, but if not I hope you find peace and understand it IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Yes, thanks, Marcus. I always appreciate it when you come over to our board. Your comments from two years plus of sobriety helps me put my current situation with my RAD and her RABF in much needed perspective.
I hope it helps you, too, Vaya. Sending strength and hugs your way.
I hope it helps you, too, Vaya. Sending strength and hugs your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Well, live and learn. Am I as thick-headed as the addict or what?! Gave in & let him spend one last (final) night in my car. What a mess! He's still angry at me for not letting him come to my house. I told him to be grateful he had the car and not yell at me about what he's still mad about and shortly left for bed
This AM when I went back to car, he was sitting up and asleep or in a nod? He was out of it.I told him he had to get up...didn't want to call attention in broad daylight. He complained about his skateboard not working...had his brother take care of it(said brother advised me) and brought it back.
He was there with a needle in his hand, sleeves rolled up, poking at himself, with other paraphernalia exposed. Told him to get out of car. Took his backpack out. told him I didn't want to be implicated if cops rolled by. He was slow and nodding, insisted on having a cigarette and didn't give a sh&* about me. finally got him out he sat on curb....I should have left it there, but he asked for the rest of his money....which I gave him( I still think I got swindled, but I'm glad to be done with it).....& I offered to take him to Starbucks to charge his phone. Gave him a gift card and drove him there.
There we are, in the middle of Main St, in broad daylight and he's a mess. He kept wanting to know why he couldn't come home. I repeated same things...gave him list of numbers for housing, rehab, sober living, and mental health, all of which I gave him this week and told him to make some calls. I could not do it for him.
As he got out of car, (finally!), he couldn't find his cigs or charger....started to panic and blaming me for rushing him! (I had already spent 2 1/2 hrs with him this morning to move him along and have the same stupid repetitive conversations.
He began hitting himself, like he does, and I said if he didn't stop I'd call police or someone else would. he actually had a cut on his cheek from it. He then smeared the honeybun I gave him for breakfast on my car, cuz he's mad all I do is give him coffee and some pastry from the place I work...etc, etc....you get the picture. How dare he shoot up, or whatever he was doing, ( said he was popping an abcess), in broad daylight in my car! OMG....I could have lost everything and been implicated if anyone reported it! Stupid, stupid.....like the story about what happens when we enable. ( woman who drove son to rob to score.....etc, posted recently)
He finally stormed off to starbucks. I saw him get himself together before he walked in, but didn't know about the cut on his face. He had gotten a call to meet someone a little later, obviously for dope......
ANYWAY.....THE POINT IS.....I AM NOW DONE....HAVE TO BE....NO MATTER WHAT! He is sick and refuses to seek any kind of help, even a bed or complete a housing application. There are many options, even if he doesn't choose recovery. I cannot do anything more for him, other than pray and work my program.
He yelled that I had more of his money, which I don't, but he's too messed up to remember. He kept threatening that he'd be around to get the rest. It's already bad enough I don't park in my parking space and have removed any signs of where I live he might recognize ( outside chair, etc) and always park a little away from my apartment, so he can't connect any of the dots. He kind of knows the street I live on, but has no idea which building. There are many apt bldgs., so that helps.
here I am, living in fear,like a hostage of his addiction! I should NEVER, NEVER HAVE LET HIM STAY IN THE CAR 1 NIGHT......I should have heeded the advice of those who have been through it, but....,mommy guilt, love and so forth kicked in, like the addict in his brain that kicks in and takes over! Wow!
At the rate he's going today, he'll probably get in trouble, unless he pulls it together. It's inevitable...he almost wants to catch a case so he can get off the street.....when it's so much easier to make a couple calls.
He is so, so sick and it is so, so sad. He continues to blame everyone, despite that he must learn how to pull himself out of this. I will pray and pray for him and pray for me to stay strong and not endanger myself further.
This AM when I went back to car, he was sitting up and asleep or in a nod? He was out of it.I told him he had to get up...didn't want to call attention in broad daylight. He complained about his skateboard not working...had his brother take care of it(said brother advised me) and brought it back.
He was there with a needle in his hand, sleeves rolled up, poking at himself, with other paraphernalia exposed. Told him to get out of car. Took his backpack out. told him I didn't want to be implicated if cops rolled by. He was slow and nodding, insisted on having a cigarette and didn't give a sh&* about me. finally got him out he sat on curb....I should have left it there, but he asked for the rest of his money....which I gave him( I still think I got swindled, but I'm glad to be done with it).....& I offered to take him to Starbucks to charge his phone. Gave him a gift card and drove him there.
There we are, in the middle of Main St, in broad daylight and he's a mess. He kept wanting to know why he couldn't come home. I repeated same things...gave him list of numbers for housing, rehab, sober living, and mental health, all of which I gave him this week and told him to make some calls. I could not do it for him.
As he got out of car, (finally!), he couldn't find his cigs or charger....started to panic and blaming me for rushing him! (I had already spent 2 1/2 hrs with him this morning to move him along and have the same stupid repetitive conversations.
He began hitting himself, like he does, and I said if he didn't stop I'd call police or someone else would. he actually had a cut on his cheek from it. He then smeared the honeybun I gave him for breakfast on my car, cuz he's mad all I do is give him coffee and some pastry from the place I work...etc, etc....you get the picture. How dare he shoot up, or whatever he was doing, ( said he was popping an abcess), in broad daylight in my car! OMG....I could have lost everything and been implicated if anyone reported it! Stupid, stupid.....like the story about what happens when we enable. ( woman who drove son to rob to score.....etc, posted recently)
He finally stormed off to starbucks. I saw him get himself together before he walked in, but didn't know about the cut on his face. He had gotten a call to meet someone a little later, obviously for dope......
ANYWAY.....THE POINT IS.....I AM NOW DONE....HAVE TO BE....NO MATTER WHAT! He is sick and refuses to seek any kind of help, even a bed or complete a housing application. There are many options, even if he doesn't choose recovery. I cannot do anything more for him, other than pray and work my program.
He yelled that I had more of his money, which I don't, but he's too messed up to remember. He kept threatening that he'd be around to get the rest. It's already bad enough I don't park in my parking space and have removed any signs of where I live he might recognize ( outside chair, etc) and always park a little away from my apartment, so he can't connect any of the dots. He kind of knows the street I live on, but has no idea which building. There are many apt bldgs., so that helps.
here I am, living in fear,like a hostage of his addiction! I should NEVER, NEVER HAVE LET HIM STAY IN THE CAR 1 NIGHT......I should have heeded the advice of those who have been through it, but....,mommy guilt, love and so forth kicked in, like the addict in his brain that kicks in and takes over! Wow!
At the rate he's going today, he'll probably get in trouble, unless he pulls it together. It's inevitable...he almost wants to catch a case so he can get off the street.....when it's so much easier to make a couple calls.
He is so, so sick and it is so, so sad. He continues to blame everyone, despite that he must learn how to pull himself out of this. I will pray and pray for him and pray for me to stay strong and not endanger myself further.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you Marcus, and the rest, for your post. I guess we're in different time zones, since I didn't see these earlier posts until after I posted the one above, where I decided to let him spend the night after all and how it turned out.
Yes, it is good from an addict's point of view, because, who else would know better? In fact many of the guys in the program where he was, and where I work, said the same kind of thing. I know in my heart of hearts this is true.
he hurt himself today and got very nasty.I am worried about him, but am afraid if I text or say anything it will only incite him further. On the other hand I am worried about the cut on his cheek, etc.
Is it best to just do nothing more at this point? that's my hunch, per my last post/reply.
Yes, it is good from an addict's point of view, because, who else would know better? In fact many of the guys in the program where he was, and where I work, said the same kind of thing. I know in my heart of hearts this is true.
he hurt himself today and got very nasty.I am worried about him, but am afraid if I text or say anything it will only incite him further. On the other hand I am worried about the cut on his cheek, etc.
Is it best to just do nothing more at this point? that's my hunch, per my last post/reply.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Just to clarify....he's been using for 10 years. He had drug problems as a teenager and mental health issues, which I've dealt with for years. We were apart for about 4-5 years when I was in another part of the state and he lived with his dad at age 18. Started using H then. Dad kicked him out. AS caught numerous cases, in and out of court ordered rehabs, etc. Came back to live with me in 2010, when I returned for last 4 1/2 years, until his behavior had escalated to the point of where I was going to be evicted if I didn't move first instead to keep an eviction off my record. That's why he cant be with me now.
Re: car....no, I make a point of parking it a couple of blocks or so away...and walk on alternate routes, even if longer, to keep him off track of where I live. I use the car every day for work. no he doesn't have a key. doesn't drive. we live in So Cal, so it's chilly and cold at night, but tolerable in the car.there's a blanket, warm coats, etc there.
He can't drive the car. I don't leave valuable in it. I am also an educator and cannot afford to have anything on my record if he got busted in it. He can get bed in homeless shelter for the night, but doesn't want to go back to skid row. (Also they sometimes search before entry & no private bathroom)
So, just to respond to some of your inquiries/comments.
Not sure what Peace and Grace meant by 4 1/2 years not that long. For me in my recovery? or meaning that's much time to deal with it?? bit confused.
Re: car....no, I make a point of parking it a couple of blocks or so away...and walk on alternate routes, even if longer, to keep him off track of where I live. I use the car every day for work. no he doesn't have a key. doesn't drive. we live in So Cal, so it's chilly and cold at night, but tolerable in the car.there's a blanket, warm coats, etc there.
He can't drive the car. I don't leave valuable in it. I am also an educator and cannot afford to have anything on my record if he got busted in it. He can get bed in homeless shelter for the night, but doesn't want to go back to skid row. (Also they sometimes search before entry & no private bathroom)
So, just to respond to some of your inquiries/comments.
Not sure what Peace and Grace meant by 4 1/2 years not that long. For me in my recovery? or meaning that's much time to deal with it?? bit confused.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Okay, now I am thinking you need a REALLY big group hug for your day!
Time to step back, now, right? Keep yourself safe and secure and sane, right? Sorry for all the pain this causes us parents. It is so hard.
I hope you sleep hard tonight.
Time to step back, now, right? Keep yourself safe and secure and sane, right? Sorry for all the pain this causes us parents. It is so hard.
I hope you sleep hard tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Vaya, my heart goes out to you. It seems obvious that nothing that you do for him is going to help him, until he wants to recover. he knows where beds are, and he is hurting his self while in the 'safe' place you offered him to sleep. You have done what you can.
I am glad you are going to your meetings.. that will help you , maybe even more now that you have seen a bit more of the truth of the situation.
You are not alone. Remember, its his addiction to fix, and until he feels enough pain from using, as Marcel said, he will probably want you to soften his lifestyle for him. and he knows how you feel, how hard this is for you, but they care about their fix more.
stay strong, focus on taking care of you... you no doubt need a break, some relief from your intense worry. my thoughts are with you.
chicory
I am glad you are going to your meetings.. that will help you , maybe even more now that you have seen a bit more of the truth of the situation.
You are not alone. Remember, its his addiction to fix, and until he feels enough pain from using, as Marcel said, he will probably want you to soften his lifestyle for him. and he knows how you feel, how hard this is for you, but they care about their fix more.
stay strong, focus on taking care of you... you no doubt need a break, some relief from your intense worry. my thoughts are with you.
chicory
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
You are all so awesome and helpful! Thank you for your hugs, much needed. I remember when I first came here I thought so many of you were so harsh and thought how could someone leave their child in the street! I know now, I just wasn't ready to face up to the reality of co-dependency, enabling and my AS's disease. It took 4 1/2 years to finally see the light. time has a way of doing that, especially with addicts, because after a while you have to see that all one does to save the addict, is for naught. No amount of calls, pleading, placing, feeding, helping, reasoning, and all manners of what I thought was helping will make any real difference. The addict does have to do it on their own when they're finally sick and tired and hit their bottom.
I was unwilling to see how I have been manipulated and lied to over the years.....hoping for some miracle. When I did begin to see it, I just hoped that when he had a job he would finally be able to move out on his own and if he didn't make it, would have no one to blame.
Now I know my AS only went into rehab to please me, in hopes of getting to come back. I'm not sure even a year in rehab would make it possible for him to come back. I am not willing to risk getting kicked out of my apartment again and I have no assurance he wouldn't start using again. I wish I could believe differently, but I don't. Regardless, it is time he figure out how to live his life and that I live mine.
Thank you so very much for your wisdom, sharing your experience, strength and hope, and hugs!
I was unwilling to see how I have been manipulated and lied to over the years.....hoping for some miracle. When I did begin to see it, I just hoped that when he had a job he would finally be able to move out on his own and if he didn't make it, would have no one to blame.
Now I know my AS only went into rehab to please me, in hopes of getting to come back. I'm not sure even a year in rehab would make it possible for him to come back. I am not willing to risk getting kicked out of my apartment again and I have no assurance he wouldn't start using again. I wish I could believe differently, but I don't. Regardless, it is time he figure out how to live his life and that I live mine.
Thank you so very much for your wisdom, sharing your experience, strength and hope, and hugs!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
vaya, hugs and prayers for you!
I understand like many others. My son is 3/4 completed in the Salvation Army program. I wasn't sure if he would stay but as a mother, I had to make some pretty difficult decisions at the end knowing the risk was death; disability etc. For a mom that is horror, to know that you may be the breaking point?
I choose, at the end, to not give him water when he was stranded in his car and cried "I am thirsty, I ran out of gas. I am bleeding. I want to die." I couldn't take the phone calls-all desperate. It made me sick.
All I could say, was "All I can do is give you a ride to rehab when you are ready. Let me know when you are." It wasn't easy...took many months of fully disconnecting. I had partially done it before-still gave food, rides to medical care, toiletries.
The fact is they have choices. We aren't the only choice. They can stay at a shelter; a friends couch; rehab.
I understand like many others. My son is 3/4 completed in the Salvation Army program. I wasn't sure if he would stay but as a mother, I had to make some pretty difficult decisions at the end knowing the risk was death; disability etc. For a mom that is horror, to know that you may be the breaking point?
I choose, at the end, to not give him water when he was stranded in his car and cried "I am thirsty, I ran out of gas. I am bleeding. I want to die." I couldn't take the phone calls-all desperate. It made me sick.
All I could say, was "All I can do is give you a ride to rehab when you are ready. Let me know when you are." It wasn't easy...took many months of fully disconnecting. I had partially done it before-still gave food, rides to medical care, toiletries.
The fact is they have choices. We aren't the only choice. They can stay at a shelter; a friends couch; rehab.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Vaya, I am so sorry for the stressful interaction with your son. I am sending my hugs and prayers for your peace. It is the hardest thing to be in the front row to the insanity and fear that their using brings into our lives. I cannot even imagine how you experienced seeing your son with a needle in is arm! Take comfort in knowing that you cannot help him. If that option goes away, he will be forced to choose the next step. It is getting colder in So. Cal so hopefully that makes his decision easier. Sometimes, when they are so out of it, they actually do much better going to jail and then rehab.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you for your continued support. I didn't let him sleep in the car last night, but made the mistake of seeing him this morning and giving him cigarettes and bus fare. I will give him a ride tomorrow downtown to see about housing and rehabs. if it wasn't Thanksgiving week it would be a little easier. I know I have to ignore his texts, but it was freezing this morning so I caved in to see him. Gave him ride to library. Didn't let him nap in my car at least. Making progress...but it's harder when I see him.
I'm going to print a list of what I will do and both of us will have to follow it. Then I don't have to repeat myself when I do respond to him. It will also help me to remind myself.
Can't wait for my meeting tomorrow night at FA. This site helps too, so I can try to be stronger and not cave in. Intellectually I know what is best, but have to not let my feelings take over.
Your continued responses do help a lot. The more I hear how others did it the easier it is for me. thank you.
I'm going to print a list of what I will do and both of us will have to follow it. Then I don't have to repeat myself when I do respond to him. It will also help me to remind myself.
Can't wait for my meeting tomorrow night at FA. This site helps too, so I can try to be stronger and not cave in. Intellectually I know what is best, but have to not let my feelings take over.
Your continued responses do help a lot. The more I hear how others did it the easier it is for me. thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
He will be back to collect the $ he thinks you owe. Please protect yourself and your assets. He will also try to continue to manipulate and guilt you so you provide a roof over his head. Stay strong and stay your course. I agree with the above poster, many times it's not until they do some time in jail that they are able to kick an H habit.
Tight hugs. You are doing great.
Tight hugs. You are doing great.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by Marcus 
Hey Vaya so sorry to hear what you are going through. I myself am a Heroin addict albeit with 2 and a half years clean currently, but know the struggle all too well. I RARELY post over here on friends and family mainly out of respect because I am not sure my voice necessarily belongs here, but your story hits home so I feel the need to at least comment and of course take it or leave it.
First off I am not positive if I missed part of the explanation on how the whole car situation works. Not that it matters, but is the car parked in front of your house? Do you give him the keys to start it in case he needs to run the heat? Do you drive this car everyday? Actually the questions do not really matter because I do think it is still enabling but that being said do you drive this car? What happens if you get pulled over and there is a needle or a stamp bag stuffed under the seat? If he does have the key for heat what if he drives off in your car and kills someone?
I know you are just trying to at the very least convince yourself if something terrible happens you can say well I didn't completely cut him off. I see lots of posts from moms saying what if my son/daughter dies from their addiction and I didn't SAVE them - how can I live with myself. Unfortunately that is what parents feel and until I finally had kids I couldn't understand it either, but the truth is YOU CAN'T SAVE HIM. I know you are grasping at anything you can, but there comes a time where what seems like helping an addict avoid a cold night on the street or a legal consequence or any other negative consequence of their addiction is without a doubt HURTING THEM in the long run. Keeping them from hitting the emotional bottom that is necessary for so many addicts to turn it around.
Completely backwards logic I know, but for me (and yes this is just for me, but I have been around long enough to realize it is the truth for many an addict) I had to experience the consequences. I am not saying early on you shouldn't try to do what you can to point them in the right direction, but after repeated attempts and proof that they are just basically using you and making you out to be the fool you have to take a step back and let them feel the full consequences of their actions NO MATTER how hard it might be.
If it was not for consequences I would still be using. I know this to be fact. With addiction it isn't a 50/50 proposition. It is not like normal logic where once something becomes 51 percent bad to 49 percent good we quit. No I could honestly convince myself to keep using as long as it was 1 percent good and 99 percent bad. It made sense in my mind which was hijacked obviously. The consequences, loss of self respect, self esteem, and loss of mind and body were what finally broke me. It took what it took and I sure hope it doesn't take that for your son, but it might.
Again just an opinion of a junky so don't put too much stock in it. I can say today with 2 1/2 years sober I don't think about using and if the thought does cross my mind I think of only the bad things - no romanticising or reminiscing the extremely few good things left. Nope only misery and despair. NO THANKS!! I hope your son find his way, but if not I hope you find peace and understand it IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
First off I am not positive if I missed part of the explanation on how the whole car situation works. Not that it matters, but is the car parked in front of your house? Do you give him the keys to start it in case he needs to run the heat? Do you drive this car everyday? Actually the questions do not really matter because I do think it is still enabling but that being said do you drive this car? What happens if you get pulled over and there is a needle or a stamp bag stuffed under the seat? If he does have the key for heat what if he drives off in your car and kills someone?
I know you are just trying to at the very least convince yourself if something terrible happens you can say well I didn't completely cut him off. I see lots of posts from moms saying what if my son/daughter dies from their addiction and I didn't SAVE them - how can I live with myself. Unfortunately that is what parents feel and until I finally had kids I couldn't understand it either, but the truth is YOU CAN'T SAVE HIM. I know you are grasping at anything you can, but there comes a time where what seems like helping an addict avoid a cold night on the street or a legal consequence or any other negative consequence of their addiction is without a doubt HURTING THEM in the long run. Keeping them from hitting the emotional bottom that is necessary for so many addicts to turn it around.
Completely backwards logic I know, but for me (and yes this is just for me, but I have been around long enough to realize it is the truth for many an addict) I had to experience the consequences. I am not saying early on you shouldn't try to do what you can to point them in the right direction, but after repeated attempts and proof that they are just basically using you and making you out to be the fool you have to take a step back and let them feel the full consequences of their actions NO MATTER how hard it might be.
If it was not for consequences I would still be using. I know this to be fact. With addiction it isn't a 50/50 proposition. It is not like normal logic where once something becomes 51 percent bad to 49 percent good we quit. No I could honestly convince myself to keep using as long as it was 1 percent good and 99 percent bad. It made sense in my mind which was hijacked obviously. The consequences, loss of self respect, self esteem, and loss of mind and body were what finally broke me. It took what it took and I sure hope it doesn't take that for your son, but it might.
Again just an opinion of a junky so don't put too much stock in it. I can say today with 2 1/2 years sober I don't think about using and if the thought does cross my mind I think of only the bad things - no romanticising or reminiscing the extremely few good things left. Nope only misery and despair. NO THANKS!! I hope your son find his way, but if not I hope you find peace and understand it IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
Thank you for this piece, Marcus.
But with all due respect, sir, anyone who can beat this thing
is NOT "just a junky".
Anyone who can beat this has my humble awe and respect.
Vale out
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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I will keep you and your family in my prayers, Vaya. I detached 5 months ago and it has been the hardest thing I ever have done. It gets better and easier but you must stay the course. Right now I am really weakening because of the Holidays. I hope I stay my course but it is hard. I hope you do too.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
My AS is bugging me adnauseum about staying in my car. It is freezing and he can hardly walk. I offered a warm coat. He said he made 1 call today, but with no luck Tomorrow he is going downtown with me to talk to people about programs, housing and hopefully a bed. I am inclined to let him stay in the car tonight as a final, final ultimatum, on the condition that he gets a bed in a shelter tomorrow. He can do that. If they are full he can get a cot. He may even be able to stay in safe sleep (overnight sleeping group space) where I work. he will HAVE to do something because everything will be closed after Wednesday, even if its a bed for the night, with a curfew of 9pm and wake up at 6am. If he doesn't take any steps to do that tomorrow I definitely cannot help him or let him stay in the car. He has to make up his mind.
I know it sounds weak on my part.It is freezing. He did stay out and freeze last night. He says he's too weak and tired to make any calls. is this bullsh&*? I feel like if he doesn't find at least something tomorrow downtown then he may as well check into the hospital or whatever. If he tests clean he can at least get into the Salvation Armyfor now and then transfer later or stay in a shelter until something opens up. (Salvation Army here doesn't do or refer to detox. That's how it is in most programs here. You have to be clean to get in!)
I know it sounds weak on my part.It is freezing. He did stay out and freeze last night. He says he's too weak and tired to make any calls. is this bullsh&*? I feel like if he doesn't find at least something tomorrow downtown then he may as well check into the hospital or whatever. If he tests clean he can at least get into the Salvation Armyfor now and then transfer later or stay in a shelter until something opens up. (Salvation Army here doesn't do or refer to detox. That's how it is in most programs here. You have to be clean to get in!)
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Or, if I have any doubts about him holding, having paraphenelia, or using, then I'll give him a sleeping bag and warm coat and he can sleep nearby so I can pick him up in the morning. I already told him that.
He said he would be sick and I said 'not my problem' . I am resolute about that. I don't care how sick he is.Then he shouldn't use dope.
He said he would be sick and I said 'not my problem' . I am resolute about that. I don't care how sick he is.Then he shouldn't use dope.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Originally Posted by Vale
================================================
Thank you for this piece, Marcus.
But with all due respect, sir, anyone who can beat this thing
is NOT "just a junky".
Anyone who can beat this has my humble awe and respect.
Vale out
Thank you for this piece, Marcus.
But with all due respect, sir, anyone who can beat this thing
is NOT "just a junky".
Anyone who can beat this has my humble awe and respect.
Vale out
One of the best and most amusing AA speakers I have listened to in recent years Mickey Bush basically said he told his mom he had 15 years sober and she said well so does the cat what do you want a medal (or something to that effect). Sorry Mickey I probably misquoted you terribly. I think that is the way much of society see's it. Like congrats you did something you were supposed to do in the first place. Until you have been in the throws and depths of serious opiate addiction it is impossible to comprehend. That doesn't mean I think I am a victim - far from it. I made my bed. I chose my path. Unfortunately I had NO IDEA what I was getting into - even after all of the warnings not to touch the hot stove I put my hand on it and smiled.
So not trying to give excuses for us junkies. By the way I still like to call myself a junky now and again so I don't forget where I came from. I am no better than the guy on the corner nodding out with a needle in his arm. But for the GRACE of GOD go I! I truly believe that today. I don't know why I was finally able to crawl out from under that stuff, but I know I could be right back there in an INSTANT. I respect my sobriety today. I know that using just once will send me back to hell - jail, institutions, and death (OH MY)!
I pray that every addict can come to this understanding, but unfortunately I know that is not how it works. Some of us will have to make the ultimate sacrifice to be a lesson to others. I have too many friends who have and pray no more have to go that route. Much love to all you parents (and significant others / family members) of addicts. My kids are 10, 8, and 6 and I have a bad feeling I am going to be on the outside looking in for at least one of them. I pray to GOD that is not the case!!!
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