everlove85

My boyfriend is getting ready to get out of rehab and I am not sure what t think or feel... Little bit of background. We met 11 years ago dated for a bit and have been on and off friends and finally got back together a year ago. When I first reconnectd him he was at a very low point in his life he had just gotten out of jail and had lost his kids while in there because his ex wife (whom also is an IV heroin user) left them with family and they went into foster care. So my boyfriend had to fight to get them back. Needless to say he started getting his life back in order or so it seemed an I was helping him financially as well as emotionally. Over the period of him starting back to work he was doing "side jobs" with his ex wifes boyfriend.... He was alsways broke and never was able to help me out with anything even though he was working all the time...
So about 2 months ago he had to go to court and had violated his probation by not doing his community service and was given 90 days.... Since then I found out things he was doing. I found out from the ex wifes boyfriend that he had been using again. That they all had and that my boyfriend had been with them all everyday and lieing to me about things. He was asking to borrow money and it was always for him to use. I felt so devastated he lied to me and worst part of it was someone else was telling me everything and he had not. I have never done drugs in my life and have never delt with any of this so I completely lost it. I had so many questions I wanted answers for and no where to turn....
Needless to say I was finally able to talk to him and he admitted everything to me. He apologized and started crying saying he could not deal with everything going on in is life and it not happening soon enough. He said he started using again with his ex wifes boyfriend and her....

Since then I have been dealing with a lot of the cleanup on the outside he only spent 20 days in jail and was transferred to a 30 day inpatient program. He gets outs in 3 days. He sys he is ready to move on with his life and done with drugs for good. Since then Im still running through the emotions crying and getting mad and sadness and frustration. I do no understand an addicts mind set because I have never been there. I also gave him the utlimatium too I told him he cannot talk to anyone associated with his past and that part of his life. He has to continue with outpatient treatment as well and if he relapses that it is over and he has to move out. He is agreeing to do whatever it takes to gain my trust back and to get his kids back. I really want to believe him and have faith in him but I also have that fear in the back of my mind that he is going to start using again. I am scared to death to even have to deal with this on my own and im worried it wont work I want to be able to do something to help but I have no clue where to even start. I also keep throwing is up in his face and telling him how much he has hurt everyone. He says he knows and he is going to make things right. I am just so worried that he wont... Im scared nervous and don't even know where to start on how to deal with all this. Right now it is manageable because he is in rehab.... I just hope everything works out and I don't know if I am setting myself up for another heart break...

Txhelp

I would very seriously think about not letting him live with you. Heroin use is a difficult thing to "get over" in 30 days. In fact, I don't know anyone that has just walked away from it.

Please read about addiction; setting boundaries; and codependency. The stickies above are great as well! Don't go into this with blinders are you are in for one long roller coaster ride!

everlove85

I realize this... I've been doing a lot of reading and soul searching... I just want to be there to support him in his decision to stay sober... I've set some boundaries and have made them clear to him... I'm just so nervous it's going to be a crash and burn situation...

Txhelp

Great! It may be a crash and burn situation...you cannot predict. Many times, I have bargained, lectured, pleaded, became angry toward my addict(s) and it never worked. I finally, after many years, was able to step back and allow them to fall. They fell hard.

I have to say my kids falling was different than my husband falling. I was able to let me husband fall-hard and quick. He came after my kids falling and me rescuing over and over again. Once he fell (relapsed)...I had many years of experience with my children. Once I knew he had relapsed, I quickly showed him the door and cut off the majority of contact. He came around fairly quick, went to rehab (his only time) and has been sober almost a year.

Each situation is different but amazing the addicts behavior is quite similar.

Sikofit

When I first reconnectd him he was at a very low point in his life he had just gotten out of jail and had lost his kids while in there because his ex wife (whom also is an IV heroin user) left them with family and they went into foster care. So my boyfriend had to fight to get them back.

Do you notice how you've totally diverted any responsibility from him in this passage? You're ignoring the fact that HE was in jail--if he hadn't been, he could have been taking care of his kids himself!

Those poor kids--neither parent seems to be caring about them at all.

Who is worrying about supporting THEM? Their parents seem to be a lost cause for anyone to worry about.

ladyscribbler

What are your boundaries? He might be better served in a sober living situation with you supporting him from a slight distance. If he crashes and burns, at least you won't be in the front row in danger of getting burned yourself.

Taking5

Don't loan money to an addict/alcoholic. Ever. If they have their **** together they won't need it. If they don't it is going to be used to get them high.

MLH2282

Do not feel like you are alone in this experience. I did this dance with my XABF so many times, I can't even count. As for words of advice, I'd say make sure to clearly set your boundaries, but also remember that it's HIS sobriety, he is ultimately accountable to himself. Also, I would suggest that if you have specific instances that you feel are unresolved, address them specifically and move on. I know you want to emphasize how much he hurt you, but beating him over the head with that may cause him to tune it out. Being supportive to a RA is a difficult thing. I tried to help my XABF, but somehow I always ended up being the bad guy. I found that listening to him and encouraging him to make positive choices was the best way for me to help him.

Be honest with yourself. Heroin is a hard addiction to kick. I'm not saying he doesn't mean what he says, but I just want you to understand that it is unlikely to be quick and easy. Try not to become pre-occupied with his sobriety/recovery. If you suspect he relapsed, be direct and ask him. Rebuilding trust is a tricky thing, and it's even trickier when he is living with you, because you have already given him some trust for free. I realized that by letting my XABF move back in after completing treatment/prison wasn't a good decision for me. I needed to have a safe space, wherein I could retreat and reflect. Unfortunately, when cohabiting, it's nearly impossible to get any perspective, and if things don't go as planned, it can cause insane chaos.

We are all here to support whatever decision you make.

9111111

You are not alone and many of us here understand.
You sound exhausted. What would help you at this point?

Eauchiche

Personally, I have to fight the
F-ear
O-bligation
G-uilt
that we family members often exhibit. Sound like you have similar battles.

zoso77

Everlove...

I'm late on weighing in on this, but Welcome to the Board.

What he says and what he does are two very different things.

Well, thank the Lord for that.

I've come to believe over the past 3 years that addiction is a very selfish condition. For whatever reason, someone decides to try drugs, and before they know it, they're in way over their head. And what follows is what can charitably be called sociopathic behavior: a lot of lying, a lot of manipulating, a lot of stealing, a lot of cheating, and absolutely no remorse about any of it. A good recent example of this you may want to check out for informational purposes is njw1968's ordeals with her AS.

Here's a question: when you do this, what is your goal? What do you expect him to do? Drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness? Will that make things better? You riding his arse this way will not change what has happened.

You say you want to support him. Here's how: stay out of his way. There is nothing you can do to help him. The course of his life and how it's going to go is entirely up to him. Your job is to monitor yourself. And if he's behaving in a way that flies in the face of a) your values, and/or b) your expectations of him as a committed, accountable romantic partner, the solution is to lose him.

Keep us posted.