Just asking for some encouragement and support as I take another step
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Just asking for some encouragement and support as I take another step
There are some who know that I am working my own program again much more deeply than before...
My big fear has been looking for another job...I have a long story but have gotten through many things and am so grateful to my HP (God to me) that I am just grateful that I was able to go to 3 interviews yesterday and be calm...in the interview, despite anxiety and panic attacks for the past several months).
My self esteem is low...and there have been family acting out towards me...my middle daughter who keeps telling me that I blame her and don't like her, etc...and none of that is true...so I finally had to set boundaries on her...she is an ex crystal meth addict...has turned her life around...but has scapegoated me...as my mother did...these are two people that I almost killed my spirit for...to be there for them...I am pretty sure my mother is a late stage alcoholic but had to let go as the other siblings chose not to support me when I mentioned it...and went through 13 years of ACOA work.
People tell me I am strong...but the truth is that I have always had to face my fear down with faith and facing it by doing and walking through it. One thing at a time. I try to live in the moment...although losing the job was very hard...and the internal shaking from anxiety is so hard...but got involved in some volunteer work with Parents of Addicts and was asked to be a leader there recently...and I care deeply about people...but still set boundaries on this daughter who now has her own life and her own choices...and I finally (a few weeks ago) told her that she communicates to me in an unkind and bullying manner...and that I will not engage.
As I start this job tomorrow...a 60 day one...I hope that I can do it...I tend to find that I can do a lot when I am working as the work helps lift me...and because of my role of sole provider over many years...it is hard to feel that my abilities as a professional that did all that are not there...but I also know that in working my program...and more fully for me than ever before...I will be led to other places that might have some happiness in them for me.
I am at least praying and meditating and yes...quite frankly reaching out for support here...it is the hardest it has ever been because my hope is the lowest it has ever been and my need to work my recovery and to be in connection with people who are able to understand (I work in the corporate realm which is very harsh...and although I was always good at making big 'fix it' contributions...there are some very harsh unsupportive people there...and I was also brought up in a family where business success was everything) but I don't know that that is who I am anymore...so am taking something much smaller and still praying for something that isn't repeating my old patterns over and over again.
My husband is finishing up a construction job in his home country of Chile and says that I need to hold on until he gets here...I am so tired though...I feel as if I have been holding on all my life...and yet for whatever reason...I am stuck in this fear and anxiety...seeing doctors in codependency and anxiety but they said that I am doing ok...how can I be doing ok and feel so very bad about myself?
Rambling...but honest.
My big fear has been looking for another job...I have a long story but have gotten through many things and am so grateful to my HP (God to me) that I am just grateful that I was able to go to 3 interviews yesterday and be calm...in the interview, despite anxiety and panic attacks for the past several months).
My self esteem is low...and there have been family acting out towards me...my middle daughter who keeps telling me that I blame her and don't like her, etc...and none of that is true...so I finally had to set boundaries on her...she is an ex crystal meth addict...has turned her life around...but has scapegoated me...as my mother did...these are two people that I almost killed my spirit for...to be there for them...I am pretty sure my mother is a late stage alcoholic but had to let go as the other siblings chose not to support me when I mentioned it...and went through 13 years of ACOA work.
People tell me I am strong...but the truth is that I have always had to face my fear down with faith and facing it by doing and walking through it. One thing at a time. I try to live in the moment...although losing the job was very hard...and the internal shaking from anxiety is so hard...but got involved in some volunteer work with Parents of Addicts and was asked to be a leader there recently...and I care deeply about people...but still set boundaries on this daughter who now has her own life and her own choices...and I finally (a few weeks ago) told her that she communicates to me in an unkind and bullying manner...and that I will not engage.
As I start this job tomorrow...a 60 day one...I hope that I can do it...I tend to find that I can do a lot when I am working as the work helps lift me...and because of my role of sole provider over many years...it is hard to feel that my abilities as a professional that did all that are not there...but I also know that in working my program...and more fully for me than ever before...I will be led to other places that might have some happiness in them for me.
I am at least praying and meditating and yes...quite frankly reaching out for support here...it is the hardest it has ever been because my hope is the lowest it has ever been and my need to work my recovery and to be in connection with people who are able to understand (I work in the corporate realm which is very harsh...and although I was always good at making big 'fix it' contributions...there are some very harsh unsupportive people there...and I was also brought up in a family where business success was everything) but I don't know that that is who I am anymore...so am taking something much smaller and still praying for something that isn't repeating my old patterns over and over again.
My husband is finishing up a construction job in his home country of Chile and says that I need to hold on until he gets here...I am so tired though...I feel as if I have been holding on all my life...and yet for whatever reason...I am stuck in this fear and anxiety...seeing doctors in codependency and anxiety but they said that I am doing ok...how can I be doing ok and feel so very bad about myself?
Rambling...but honest.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
irisgardens, I admire your honesty and courage. Through your posts, I sense a shedding of an old worn out skin and the trying on of something different. I can't fathom how weary you must be given the addictions that have clear cut the tall growth cedars in your life. It's a testimony to the strength of the human spirit that you are still standing!
As I've posted, I am going through a spiritual reawakening. I prefer to call it that rather than a breakdown. Spiritual reawakenings are, I think, those times when we cry out into the wilderness, "I can't do this alone anymore. I give it all up." And, it's clear from family patterns that you have had to do much of this all alone. I certainly have thought that the success of the entire English department at our school lies on my shoulder's alone. Talk about crazy thinking! Of course, I was also supposed to have saved my son from all of the male genes and addictions in the family that somehow found their way into his body.
I work in the teaching profession, and as hard as that is, at least I don't have to work in the competitive cutthroat world of business. At least that is my perception of business and the stories I hear from friends in that world. Perhaps you are moving away from that environment into a kinder and gentler way to make a living. That you were asked to be a group leader speaks volumes to how you connect with others.
We are here for you, irisgardens. Take this time to really look at where your strengths and gifts are. Anyone who has held up in your situation for as long as you have has much to offer others.
With compassion,
PeaceandGrace
As I've posted, I am going through a spiritual reawakening. I prefer to call it that rather than a breakdown. Spiritual reawakenings are, I think, those times when we cry out into the wilderness, "I can't do this alone anymore. I give it all up." And, it's clear from family patterns that you have had to do much of this all alone. I certainly have thought that the success of the entire English department at our school lies on my shoulder's alone. Talk about crazy thinking! Of course, I was also supposed to have saved my son from all of the male genes and addictions in the family that somehow found their way into his body.
I work in the teaching profession, and as hard as that is, at least I don't have to work in the competitive cutthroat world of business. At least that is my perception of business and the stories I hear from friends in that world. Perhaps you are moving away from that environment into a kinder and gentler way to make a living. That you were asked to be a group leader speaks volumes to how you connect with others.
We are here for you, irisgardens. Take this time to really look at where your strengths and gifts are. Anyone who has held up in your situation for as long as you have has much to offer others.
With compassion,
PeaceandGrace
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
Irisgardens, from the sounds of it you are really working your program. It will see you through. I can tell you know the tools to use and you are doing it.
You're praying and meditating; you're setting good boundaries with your daughter; you're seeing the doctors; you're showing up for the job. Those are all major positives. Perhaps the doctors are seeing that. Did you ask them the question you ask here; tell them the degree to which the anxiety impacts you? Do you need more support from them in coping with the anxiety?
You have a lot on your plate and your feelings are appropriate. I hope you find the stress easing soon and a return to deeper peace. The discomfort you feel is temporary and looks to be strengthening your commitment to yourself and the program.
I hope your new job will be a pickup to your spirits. Sometimes it's enough just to show up, put one foot in front of the other, taking it one moment at a time. Yes, your faith will see you through!
You're praying and meditating; you're setting good boundaries with your daughter; you're seeing the doctors; you're showing up for the job. Those are all major positives. Perhaps the doctors are seeing that. Did you ask them the question you ask here; tell them the degree to which the anxiety impacts you? Do you need more support from them in coping with the anxiety?
I am stuck in this fear and anxiety...seeing doctors in codependency and anxiety but they said that I am doing ok...how can I be doing ok and feel so very bad about myself?
I can do a lot when I am working as the work helps lift me
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by irisgardens 
My self esteem is low...
People tell me I am strong...
People tell me I am strong...
I have no idea if you're strong but I'm positive you're courageous, one day at a time
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
"People tell me I am strong...but the truth is that I have always had to face my fear down with faith and facing it by doing and walking through it."
That is courage...you will do well in this job because you will do what you say that you always do.
Someone that can look addiction in the eye for years...sometimes since childhood is often worn. Worn out-NOPE! You have been setting healthier boundaries and starting to reach out for your own happiness and peace.
This will turn out alright!!! Hugs to you!
That is courage...you will do well in this job because you will do what you say that you always do.
Someone that can look addiction in the eye for years...sometimes since childhood is often worn. Worn out-NOPE! You have been setting healthier boundaries and starting to reach out for your own happiness and peace.
This will turn out alright!!! Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
Song courtesy of McFadden & whitehead
Ain't No Stoppin Her Now!
She's on the move!
Ain't No Stoppin Her Now!
She's agot the groove!
There's been so many things that's held us down.
But now it looks like things are finally comin' around.
I know we've got, a long long way to go,
and where we'll end up, I don't know.
But we won't let nothin' hold us back,
we're putting our selves together,
we're polishing up our act!
If you felt we've been held down before,
I know you'll refuse to be held down anymore!
Don't you let nothing, nothing,
Stand in your way!
I want ya'll to listen, listen,
to every word I say, every word I say!
She's on the move!
Ain't No Stoppin Her Now!
She's agot the groove!
There's been so many things that's held us down.
But now it looks like things are finally comin' around.
I know we've got, a long long way to go,
and where we'll end up, I don't know.
But we won't let nothin' hold us back,
we're putting our selves together,
we're polishing up our act!
If you felt we've been held down before,
I know you'll refuse to be held down anymore!
Don't you let nothing, nothing,
Stand in your way!
I want ya'll to listen, listen,
to every word I say, every word I say!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
IrisGardens, we are here for you! and I think you are doing great. It is so hard to do things outside of our comfort zones... but you are doing just that, and that shows growth, and faith, and courage.
We throw out the seed, but God makes it grow. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and your HP will be with you. Sometimes, I even pray for the right words... and it always helps me, sometimes amazing me.
Big hugs, and prayers for success, especially for you to find the right place in which you can thrive.
We throw out the seed, but God makes it grow. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and your HP will be with you. Sometimes, I even pray for the right words... and it always helps me, sometimes amazing me.
Big hugs, and prayers for success, especially for you to find the right place in which you can thrive.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear IG,
You are a positive example for all of us. You're doing just fine!
Keep up that courage and never give up that sweet hope!
We are always here for you, you're one of US now!
Don't let that fear guide you...you have a voice!
And congrats on the new job position!
Love, hugs and prayers coming your way!
TF
You are a positive example for all of us. You're doing just fine!
Keep up that courage and never give up that sweet hope!
We are always here for you, you're one of US now!
Don't let that fear guide you...you have a voice!
And congrats on the new job position!
Love, hugs and prayers coming your way!
TF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Well..an update...yesterday I woke up crying and with panic attacks after taking the 60 day job...I am not good at saying no...but the body tells me if it is not going to work...the worst it has been in almost 25 years...for whatever reason...but I did see my therapist who is a codependency therapist and she helped me to see that the body had a deep reason for that 'no' and I called today and let them know and am trying to rest...happy that I was able to get through the interviews anyway...but there is more for me to work on...
Called the meds doctor (have always taken the least amount of meds possible as I am afraid...my meds are not addictive)--and although I have been working hard on this since June...he thought that another med might help me get up and go...not go down so quickly...had been prescribed before going to Chile...but I never followed through...was too busy walking through changes and trying to move forward in challenging circumstances.
Thank you all of you...I appreciate the courage thing as I have a definition for that...fear + prayer = courage...but strong...that is all my HP (who I call God) whenever and however I can manage to work my program strongly enough...and to stay on the path.
It seems like 1 step forward, 2 steps back...but as someone said above...I feel as if I am experiencing a spiritual awakening and it is possible that I am not meant to be the high powered business manager...I have asked my HP for a supportive environment with a supportive supervisor and that has not yet appeared...as business is pretty cut and dried, black & white...and although I have great accounting and management skills...the truth is that my 'problem solving' skills have been drained in my personal life...and so I keep going down for the count with stress...so turning down the job and paying attention to my body's fairly loud message (I have done a lot of mind over matter in my life--but this time...I am pretty sure I got the message).
Thank you to all...and your encouragement and sweet wonderful words lifted me...and I know that I need to continue pushing past the resistance to find a job...and I will...but not today. One step at a time...
Called the meds doctor (have always taken the least amount of meds possible as I am afraid...my meds are not addictive)--and although I have been working hard on this since June...he thought that another med might help me get up and go...not go down so quickly...had been prescribed before going to Chile...but I never followed through...was too busy walking through changes and trying to move forward in challenging circumstances.
Thank you all of you...I appreciate the courage thing as I have a definition for that...fear + prayer = courage...but strong...that is all my HP (who I call God) whenever and however I can manage to work my program strongly enough...and to stay on the path.
It seems like 1 step forward, 2 steps back...but as someone said above...I feel as if I am experiencing a spiritual awakening and it is possible that I am not meant to be the high powered business manager...I have asked my HP for a supportive environment with a supportive supervisor and that has not yet appeared...as business is pretty cut and dried, black & white...and although I have great accounting and management skills...the truth is that my 'problem solving' skills have been drained in my personal life...and so I keep going down for the count with stress...so turning down the job and paying attention to my body's fairly loud message (I have done a lot of mind over matter in my life--but this time...I am pretty sure I got the message).
Thank you to all...and your encouragement and sweet wonderful words lifted me...and I know that I need to continue pushing past the resistance to find a job...and I will...but not today. One step at a time...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
I also went to the big City on Sunday to see if my AD could be found. She wasn't there...but she was, according to the hotel clerk, there 3-4 days ago. We do not give her money and I really went down for the count in trying to 'help her' with tough love in April, May, June...and I feel weak...but it was good to know that she was alive 3-4 days ago...it was a sense of relief...and it was also good to call my doctor today and let him know that the bad days are outnumbering the good ones right now...and for him to listen...we have met frequently since June and I was trying not to increase medication...but sometimes it is necessary...so glad I finally was able to articulate (& not rise to the occasion by pointing out all the silver linings (good at seeing them often) but also not discussing the reality of what is going on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
irisgardens, you listened to your inner voice and your body to turn down the 60 day job. Sometimes we just can't keep going and mind over matter doesn't work.
Exploring the possibility, as I mentioned earlier, that you may not be cut out for the high demands of a business executive may be the blessing in all of this pain.
I am holding you in my prayers. We are all kindred souls on this miraculous board of sanity.
With compassion,
PeaceandGrace
Exploring the possibility, as I mentioned earlier, that you may not be cut out for the high demands of a business executive may be the blessing in all of this pain.
I am holding you in my prayers. We are all kindred souls on this miraculous board of sanity.
With compassion,
PeaceandGrace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Oh DUCK! Thank you--I like the quacking...probably part of my recovery that is missing! :-)
Thank you to all...took a rest yesterday and my son came to stay (he is 20 and doing school/working) as his older sister (where he has been for 2 years since coming back from Chile where we still were) and I felt more peaceful last night and woke up with more peace this morning...so will continue taking each minute at a time...and to do as my HP directs...even if I feel as if I was letting my husband down (he is still in Chile finishing a job and I have done the big jobs for a long time to raise the kids and to keep us going...but right now...not up to even the stress of the interviews...although I will keep trying every day I have strength).
Thank you to all...took a rest yesterday and my son came to stay (he is 20 and doing school/working) as his older sister (where he has been for 2 years since coming back from Chile where we still were) and I felt more peaceful last night and woke up with more peace this morning...so will continue taking each minute at a time...and to do as my HP directs...even if I feel as if I was letting my husband down (he is still in Chile finishing a job and I have done the big jobs for a long time to raise the kids and to keep us going...but right now...not up to even the stress of the interviews...although I will keep trying every day I have strength).
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