baby3times

Hello,
Sorry I realize this is another post from me. I just have no one to talk to or vent to and somehow this helps me by just getting it off my chest.

I decided to leave my bf. He is in a recovery center and I told him I was no longer going to be with him or have much contact with him unless it had to do with our kids.

He said some hurtful things and they made me cry and I figured Why the hell am I crying because he said things cause he was mad then. He went from I need you to F*%k you. It hurts me so bad that he doesn't understand that I need this separation. He doesn't understand where I am. I am very unstable and I can not committee myself to him. Our relationship is so far gone it wouldn't last long.

At the same time I feel this urge to tell him I didn't mean it and I want him to come home and be with us. I miss him so much already and love him so much. I get so angry with myself for feeling like this its like a parasite that has attached its self to me and I cant get it off.

I blame myself for not having enough support for him. I blame the drug for what its done to him and us. I blame the people who gave it to him. I blame members of his family for helping him with his addiction and getting high instead of his recovery. I love him so much but feel so much hate and anger towards him.

I cant believe he did this to our family and left us high and dry again! He has no respect for me or his kids. I feel like all he truly cares about is his drugs and those who provide it to him.

I am at a spot now of uncertainty, hate, and depression. I went and got paperwork for custody today and I'm so overwhelmed and disappointed at the fact that it had to come to this.

My poor son asks me all the time if a man (Any man) is his dad. He recently ran up to one of our neighbors yelling DAD! DAD! And then realized it wasn't him and sadly walked away. It broke my heart so much. I feel disappointed in myself for letting this all happen in our life's. It makes me hate myself the most.

I wish i could change the past but I cant. I am so thankful for my kids cause there what keeps me going.

I went to my first Alanon meeting today and I felt better afterwords but I wish I felt better then what I did. I am going to start going to a psychiatrist and my only hope is that I can let go of him and focus on my own life for once.

I am so frustrated with everything right now and I hope I can move on and get forward with this and change my thoughts and feelings. I love my children more then anything and I am glad with the decision I have made, I just need to feel its right now.

Nuudawn

I just wanted to say I hear you baby3times. I'm so very glad to read that you are getting help and support for yourself via alanon and therapy. What you are going is tremendously painful. As heartbreaking as it ...you are doing what needs to be done for yourself and your children.

I want you to know your post helped me a lot tonight. Although I utilize this site primarily for my own recovery of alcohol abuse..my very recent ex-bf has unaddressed and almost unadmitted drug use.

Tonight he is "the drug" I am missing so to speak. I know a relationship with him is simply no good for me, no good for my sobriety, no good for the life I want to live..it doesn't make it easy. It takes great strength and courage to travel higher ground..and it can be quite lonely at times.

Just wanted you to know...I hear you. And I am grateful for your post.

Many bright blessings my friend.

zoso77

He also has no respect or love for himself. If he did, he would not being doing what he's doing. So if he doesn't respect or love himself, you cannot expect him to love or respect anyone else.

Please, do not turn your anger inward. I understand that you're angry, and you have every right to be angry at the situation you find yourself in. But when you start beating yourself up, that doesn't and will never help. What's important at this moment is understanding what you're up against so that you can make the best decisions going forward, both for you and your children.

Keep us in the loop, OK?

hopeful4

Please don't blame yourself. Remember the three C's.

That's the way they are. They say how much they love you and talk all they can so you won't make any changes. When they see you are going to anyways, the ugly manipulation comes out. Please don't fall for that. An adult is responsible for themselves and their children, not another grown adult.

Stay strong and remember just why you need this. You and your children's recovery has to come first at this time. You are responsible for them, they need you more than a grown addict does.

Tight Hugs.

carguysgirl

I have found with some men-especially one who knows you are vulnerable to them-that they play the i need you card first when you leave them to invoke your pity and love. To try and get you to stay. The second reaction of **** you and other hurtful things is to put you in a sad scared place so you will feel too damaged to keep your conviction and feel you need them.it's manipulation.

chicory

God bless you Baby3, Your post broke my heart. We are here for you, we will be, and you come here and get all the support you need.

You can find ways to help your little ones, your son, to have some meaningful interaction with male figures which will help him. I am so sorry for your pain and I know that it hurts you to the core. but you are doing what is right for you and those babies. and if someday he decided to be a father to his children, sober and clean, I am sure you would welcome that.

It wont always be this hard sweetie. Hang in there, find some fun time with your babies, I know what you mean, they keep you going. you are doing what is safest and most loving for them, and it will get easier.

Remember, he is sick, and only he can get his self well. Prayers that he does this, and that you find peace by learning that it isn't your fault, your job, or anyone elses, to get him well. Its up to him. He knows you love him. But , he is sick and not the sort that you can take care of.

big hugs today. I admire you, to tears.

chic

baby3times

Thanks u guys.

I figure it'll work out how its suppose to and if were ment to be then we are, but I'm not putting myself out there anymore to help.

Feeling more responsiable for him because we have kids together is BS.

I think well be okay and I feel better now. I know I did the right thing and itll be hard doing it myself but hell I've been doing myself already for so long.

Thanks for the support I will keep u up dated I an fileing my paper work Tuesday and we will go from there. I dnt care anymore what will make him angry. Its safer to have things settled on paperwork!

Happy 4th of July hope urs all went great. Mine did!

Firefall

Zozo has said what I was thinking

Do not be manipulated by someone whose word means nothing.
My granddaddy told me when I was very young, you have two things of value in this life, your name and your word, if your word is no good, then neither is your name. So why would you value yourself (your name) based on the no good word of him?

You are more, you deserve more.

chicory

Baby3times,

I am glad you and the babies had a good fourth of July!
There will be many more good times ahead, and your heart will be lighter...you are a good momma!

hugs