juskeepswimin

When I broke up with my addict bf it was fairly civil in the sense that I told him I care but I can't do this anymore cause it's killing both of us. He tells me he's never going to give up on me and is going to try to beat his addiction so we can be together. My response to that was that he needs to focus on him and that it's best we don't talk right now so he can do that. However, he's texted me almost everyday since I've cut the ties..."just wanted to say I love you and hope you're having a good day" or "I miss you babe." I've had to resist the urge, although he's my best friend and I just want to text back to him to tell him that I love him I miss him too! It's so hard. I feel so sad him... I know that it would hurt me to get ignored by someone that I love and miss. Does letting go mean cutting him off completely? I just don't know any other way to get him to focus 200% on him without cutting off communication right now. Should I ignore these texts? I know I can't get back with him right now...for the sake of both of us... And maybe not ever if he doesn't focus on him and try to get this addiction under control...but it's hard to lose not only a boyfriend, but also a best friend. Any advice...or even people who can relate is welcome.

Kathleen19

I'm so sorry to hear your story. I'm new to SR, my husband of 10 years is an addict. Although I have not yet cut my husband off, I can only hope to god I am as strong as you when and if the time comes. Right now he has about two weeks clean, I know not much time, but if he should not make it this time I have no choice but to gather up our daughter and leave. The one thing I hope to do is completely cut off ties with him just like you have done to ensure he focuses on himself. I know it would be the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life and my daughters as well. He also is my best friend, I could never imagine life without him, but to give him a fighting chance at his recovery I would have to give up. The only communication would be him seeing his daughter, and I guess I would have to get the courts involved for that, which would completely break his heart. Good luck, sorry I don't have much advice I'm new at asking for help myself.

mejo

Well, only you know what you can handle. If you text him back, will you be able to resist the urge to want to rescue him or your relationship? Letting go does not mean you have to actually LET GO. I would suggest going onto the Alanon web site and see if they have the definition on there. If not, let me know. I received a book mark with the definition from the Alanon conference this year. I will get it and provide you with the "Letting Go Quotes".

hopeful4

It is hard, but dragging it out is harder. There is no rules, you simply have to decide whats good for your own recovery.

Ann

If he was serious about recovery he would be spending the time and energy he uses to text you, to find help for himself. Because you cut communications doesn't mean he will spend even one second on his own recovery, especially if he is obsessed with getting you back. See the insanity here?

Sweetie, only you can decide what is right for you, but living with active addiction is rarely "right" for anyone. You did the right thing to cut contact, no matter how it hurts. If he finds recovery and contacts you then, you can consider the options then. If he doesn't find recovery, you have saved yourself a lot of heartache.

Keep taking care of yourself, just like you would like him to take care of himself.

Hugs

zoso77

When I read something like this, it smacks of an addict at his manipulative best. When he says he's never going to give up on you, he's full of sh*t because he has already chosen drugs over you. He's going to "try" to beat his addiction? Yeah, that gives me the warm and fuzzies.

Let's just say for the sake of argument you gave in to him and you two got back together. What do you think would happen? I'll tell you; he'd be on his best behavior for a week, making superficial gestures to show you he's "trying to beat his addiction". And then, after that short period of time, things would be back to the status quo.

I can't tell you to ice him totally because, frankly, that's not my place. But what he's doing is typical of an addict: trying his darnest to manipulate people into getting what he wants out of them. Learn to recgonize behavior like this, then decide how you're going to deal with him.

biminiblue

Cutting off contact is for you, not for him.

Wanting to cut off contact so he will do something is staying in the illness.

You can only do you.

Your actions are for your benefit, not to coerce him to act a certain way. Being away from an addict is an exercise in self-love, not control.

rcutch

Are you "letting go" for your sanity or hoping to force him into getting clean? You can't tell him how much time to focus on his recovery or what his recover should look like. It is different for everyone. I have been married to my AH for 20 years. He's had clean time, and he has relapsed. I have made the choice to stay. After almost 6 years clean he relapsed for almost 2 years and ended up in jail. He now is going on 5 months clean. He works an intensive outpatient program, attends meetings, and we go to marriage counseling. One of the things he is so thankful for this time around is that I don't manage his recovery. I manage mine. As a co-dependent the most important question I ask myself often is "What is my motive?" What am I expecting to happen from my action? If it's an attempt to control someone else's behavior/life, then I am setting myself up for a disappointment. As many have stated, only you can decide what your "letting go" looks like - but remember it's so that you are able to get well, not for your addict.

scheherazade

Honestly, I felt the same way, then I realized cutting him off was better for me. Mine was so good at manipulating me. I'm not sure he was doing it with an ulterior motive every single time (though sometimes he definitely was). But post-breakup, he would swear up and down he was done and going to go to meetings and he hated the drug and was so miserable and loved me and missed me, and he was sorry for everything he'd done. And you know, he probably meant it in the moment - but that moment passed pretty quickly. Once I was back, it was pretty easy to start missing heroin.

If he was dead serious about recovery, and getting you back, he'd suck up the hurt, take the time he needed to really kick this habit and hope like hell you'd be single when he'd put in the hard work to become a man who could be a partner you deserve, one who could love you and support you. That's love. Anything else isn't admitting the power of addiction, and isn't admitting the danger that power holds for you, and therefore comes up too short. Sorry if that came out too harsh. That's just the way I saw it in the end.

juskeepswimin

I didn't break up with him to force him into sobriety or thinking that it would "make" him sober. I just knew that by breaking up with him he at least have a BETTER fighting chance then if I were to continue to stay with him and enable him. I see this as love, not staying in the illness. I don't know that he will do something now, but It's not ok to hope that he will?
At the same time, I also knew that breaking up with him gave me more time for me to focus energy on the only thing I can control...myself. Does letting go mean you can't still be hopeful for him anymore?

juskeepswimin

I guess I'm doing it for both of us. Breaking off ties benefits me and gives him at least a fighting chance without me there rescuing him all the time. I don't know that he will focus on himself, that's out my control now...but I do certainly hope he does. I do know that focusing on me is within my control and something I'm working on doing.

AnvilheadII

I just don't know any other way to get him to focus 200% on him without cutting off communication right now.

Letting Go is when we no longer have any investment in HOW they are going to choose to live THEIR lives....when we simply Live and Let Live.

we even need to watch our "hope" that they will get "better" - because we are stating that WE believe that we have a clear vision of what their lives could and should look like. mind you, when someone we care about it in an obvious state of self destruction it's easy to say "dude you need some help!" - but and again, it is still their lives to live out as they see fit. if we can't bear to watch or witness, then distance and detachment becomes our friend.

and then we get real busy making sure our own lives are the shining examples we tell others THEIRS should be.

m1k3

I look at it this way. I am an addict and my DOC is my stbxAW. If I get back in touch with her I am heading right down that slippery slope. If she finds recovery great, if she doesn't that's OK to. For me letting go means focusing on my recovery. If for some reason fate happens to bring us back together I will cross that bridge when I get to it until that time I am focused on my new relationship, the one I now have with myself.

Your friend,

juskeepswimin

Thanks for helping me see this. What you said makes sense to me and something that I will need to work on moving forward. Right now I am trying to learn how to focus my energy on me and I must say I really enjoy all my free time . Do you have any advice as far as working on trying to get out of that mindset of believing we know what is best for them? I know I can't control his life or his addiction and I've let go of that physically... But I'm at the point where I'm having a hard time getting to be ok in my head with the way he's living his life. It's so hard to let go of this mindset when you care for someone.

AnvilheadII

how do you want to live YOUR life? and how much do you want others telling you how it should be done? those some inalieniable rights to which you so fiercely cling, are the same rights for EVERYONE ELSE.

juskeepswimin

I get that... I'm not telling him what he should or shouldn't be doing this point, as I've cut the ties of our relationship and any communication, but it's hard to get it out of my thoughts at this point when I care and don't want to lose him to drugs. How do I accept this in my thoughts and not just my actions? I've let go physically, maybe not so much mentally?

atalose

Detaching emotionally will come with your continued physical withdrawl from the relationship.

Your still receiving text messages which are keeling you emotionally attached to him. You may want to think about blocking him all together to fully allow yourself to pull away from this relationship.

Often it's a matter of us figuring out why we still want to hold on and allow them access to us. Maybe you are just not fully ready to truely end it. Maybe there is a part of you wanting him to give it up for you and prove he loves you more then he loves his drugs.

We always have a reason why we leave that door open, often we are not clearly aware ourselves. But our freedom comes when we figure that part out.

juskeepswimin

Thank you so much for explaining this. It's nice to have someone explain what I've been feeling! You nailed it on the head! I've felt like I've been going through the motions of detachment, but my emotions have been fighting me and it's a constant battle.
So I guess the next step is to continue to examine why I am keeping those strings attached and my hope is that I can eventually emotionally detach and cut the last few ties I have left with him. I truly want to experience that freedom for myself and move on from this madness that addiction causes.
Thanks again! You gave me some clarity and great advice.