scheherazade

Sorry, guys. It's been a little over a week and this is my third post. Promise I'll slow down.

I have to see by AXBF two times a week, since we're both in the same school and have two of the same classes. There's nothing I can do about it and I'm fine, it isn't affecting my grades. It hurts, but it isn't excruciating, and I've done very well at keeping my head where it's supposed to be. I have no desire to have in back in my life, not really. Even when I see him when he's not high, the suffering is still too fresh, and I graduate in five short months.

At the same time, even though I'm enjoying the lack of fear and betrayal, things are dimmer. I'm more tired in general. It'd be easy to hate an addict, but I can't quite muster it. While I don't want him as a partner anymore, I can't help but think that it's all just so very sad all around, for all of us. For his family, for me and even for him. I don't think he enjoys drugs anymore, and I think he recognizes what it's doing, just isn't ready to change. My head hurts. My heart hurts.

Life seems bleaker after this experience.

zoso77

Here's a story...three months after things ended with my AXGF, I had to take a business trip out to the the boonies of the Utah desert. And I mean the boonies. Once you get 30 minutes west of Salt Lake City, there's nothing, and I was 2 hours west of Salt Lake City.

It was early April, and here I am in the middle of nowhere with people I'd never worked with before. And I was loving it. Snow still capped the mountains, the air was clear, there was a thin warmth in the air due to the sun...and as I took in the view, I was completely, 100% at peace and happy with the fact my AXGF was no longer in my life. To be that far away from home in the middle of nowhere and be that content was a big deal for me back then.

I'm not saying that you're going to be like me and be happy that your AXBF is out of the picture. There's likely going to be a part of you that still cares for him, which is fine. But you're too close to your own situation to believe your life is bleaker because of this experience. You don't know what life is going to be like a week from now, or three weeks from now, or three months from now.

Right now, you're grieving, which is normal. And while it sucks to be going through that, you'll get through it in one piece as long as you keep pushing forward.

So, give yourself a f**kin' break, OK?

With Respect,

tomthern

It is incredibly hard to see someone suffer when you know there is another way. I got sober and went to see someone I had been with. He said he was different and that things would be better and they weren't. I knew it was a bad idea but I still went. It's harder for you because he is at your school and you have to see him. It isn't for much longer. It sounds cold but sometimes you have to harden yourself. When your ex is ready he'll stop. Just keep the focus on yourself.

scheherazade

Hahahahah, yes sir!

biminiblue

LOL zoso.

Also, keep posting! You'll be able to talk though things and you'll be helping others at the same time.

You will get through this, so will he and his family. Yes, it's sad. Make your life happier!

Praying

...and in some ways, it's okay if life is a little... different. Maybe not bleaker, but different. You've now experienced something firsthand that many people don't see up close at a relatively young age. For me, it took away some of my optimistic naivety. That saddens me. I can't get it back. But it's all part of growing and learning, so we trudge onward. And now that you've seen it, you can build a life with that knowledge in your hip pocket, which is pretty darn helpful. And someday, maybe much sooner than you think, your experiences will help others.

juskeepswimin

Ive try to look at this emotional experience as a learning experience and growth. I'm really proud of myself for getting this far in my journey, and you should be too. It's a process, just keep that in mind. Your going to make mistakes along the way, but your also making these decisions and learning from them.
This journey is a roller coaster of emotions. Don't worry if some days you feel sad and some you days feel really great about.... With time I'm sure this will even itself out and you'll be happier and stronger for going through this.

chicory

Hi Scheherazade ,

Hey, it sounds to me like you are going through normal healing processes. Sad thoughts unfortunately have to come along for the ride for a while. The end of a dream is sad, but clears the way for new , better dreams, because you know more now.

You post all you want to, because we are here to support you and we understand and care.