Should I File A Missing Person's Report?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 24
Should I File A Missing Person's Report?
AH has been out smoking crack/drinking for 7 days now. I took his key to the house on Monday (he was out since Friday and came home to get his credit card for "gas to drive himself to the rehab" LOL...the lies...)and I told him next time I hear from him he had better be calling from a rehab. I just wanted to know if I should in the event his body turns up. I know it sounds morbid but at this point he is not the person I married and I am detached and just going about my business/job/parenting; hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I love him and I don't want to divorce him but if he wants to commit a slow suicide like his father he is not going to take me with him. I am numb to his **** by now.
Today when I was pushing the lawn mower and picking up dog **** (his job), I was cursing him for leaving his wife to take care of a house, teenager, 3 dogs, plus go to work and pay all the bills (I am an RN and it is hard physical work) on top of taking care of my health because I have rheumatoid arthritis and just went back to work. He relapsed after 5 mos. the day after he found out I was hired and left us with no money, no health insurance, etc. because he didn't show up to work and was considered having abandoned his job. He didn't want me to quit my at-home job and return to nursing outside the house and he tried to sabotage my every move but he didn't succeed so he relapsed to say "**** you!"
*********** is 42 years old and get this: A Mental Health/Substance Abuse Counselor who had 5 years clean when we met and married and gave me three good years where he had no desire to return to that sick life. The last two and a half years he has been binge using every 4-5 mos, always when I was doing something that didn't include him. I told him over and over he is a hypocrite to go counsel people and maintain a facade while he was periodically using.
He has racked up about $40K in debts, not in my name fortunately. The house is mine and in my name only.
I am so sick of his crap.
Today when I was pushing the lawn mower and picking up dog **** (his job), I was cursing him for leaving his wife to take care of a house, teenager, 3 dogs, plus go to work and pay all the bills (I am an RN and it is hard physical work) on top of taking care of my health because I have rheumatoid arthritis and just went back to work. He relapsed after 5 mos. the day after he found out I was hired and left us with no money, no health insurance, etc. because he didn't show up to work and was considered having abandoned his job. He didn't want me to quit my at-home job and return to nursing outside the house and he tried to sabotage my every move but he didn't succeed so he relapsed to say "**** you!"
*********** is 42 years old and get this: A Mental Health/Substance Abuse Counselor who had 5 years clean when we met and married and gave me three good years where he had no desire to return to that sick life. The last two and a half years he has been binge using every 4-5 mos, always when I was doing something that didn't include him. I told him over and over he is a hypocrite to go counsel people and maintain a facade while he was periodically using.
He has racked up about $40K in debts, not in my name fortunately. The house is mine and in my name only.
I am so sick of his crap.
Last edited by cece1960; 09-23-2008 at 09:28 AM. Reason: language
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
" He is not going to take me with him. " Wise decision !!!!
Until he returns to recovery + sobriety all you can do is protect yourself, your teenager, and your assets. Save your energy for yourself and your child.
Change your locks, your bank accts. etc. Protect yourself.
So very sorry that CRACK has hijacked your husband and your marriage.
You know what addicts are capable of.
Recovey possibly. Hoping your husband comes to that decision , but who knows where this bottom will be.
Until he returns to recovery + sobriety all you can do is protect yourself, your teenager, and your assets. Save your energy for yourself and your child.
Change your locks, your bank accts. etc. Protect yourself.
So very sorry that CRACK has hijacked your husband and your marriage.
You know what addicts are capable of.
Recovey possibly. Hoping your husband comes to that decision , but who knows where this bottom will be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 24
Thanks for the support.
He doesn't have access to my bank account or keys to either of my cars.
He could go in the garage while I am at work and sell the lawn mower which he paid for, but I already have a new one picked out if he does.
He was "recovered" for 8 years. I have lost all faith that people can get and stay clean forever.
It is very hard to be angry yet at the same time concerned about his health/whereabouts, etc. He was stabbed, beaten, robbed and sent to prison long before we met. I showed him that there was a different way of living and once he obtained a wife, a home, a family, vehicles, a degree, and a good job behind a desk wearing a tie, he decided it wasn't enough and he wanted drugs again.
It's unbelievable. And I did not cause it.
He doesn't have access to my bank account or keys to either of my cars.
He could go in the garage while I am at work and sell the lawn mower which he paid for, but I already have a new one picked out if he does.
He was "recovered" for 8 years. I have lost all faith that people can get and stay clean forever.
It is very hard to be angry yet at the same time concerned about his health/whereabouts, etc. He was stabbed, beaten, robbed and sent to prison long before we met. I showed him that there was a different way of living and once he obtained a wife, a home, a family, vehicles, a degree, and a good job behind a desk wearing a tie, he decided it wasn't enough and he wanted drugs again.
It's unbelievable. And I did not cause it.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Should I File A Missing Person's Report?
You can be honest, tell them he's done this before when on a binge but never this long and you are really concerned for his well fare right now.
However, should he return after filing the report, let them know that he did check in seeing as you took the key, unless he breaks in and that is a horse of another color and may need another report, you can just say you saw him, so are canceling the Missing Person Report.
J M H O
Sounds like you have a plan in progress, going back to work, taking his key, the house in your name, keeping your children safe all excellent steps.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Hey,
From one addicts wife to another....the grass is yours to cut! Least of your problems. From now on not to sound Horrible, do what ever you can do to do it on your own! Everything! Don't depend on him for ONE THING! I lived for 5 years with and without my husband....he has not put as much as one jug of milk on the table for the boys in that time.
Through thick and through thin....after 5 years of terror my boys and I are moving...where he is today I don't have a clue...I wish I knew then what I knew now....
Guess What I Know How to Laugh again....from the bottom of my heart...Life is to short to miss laughing!
On Your Side,
Rose
1
From one addicts wife to another....the grass is yours to cut! Least of your problems. From now on not to sound Horrible, do what ever you can do to do it on your own! Everything! Don't depend on him for ONE THING! I lived for 5 years with and without my husband....he has not put as much as one jug of milk on the table for the boys in that time.
Through thick and through thin....after 5 years of terror my boys and I are moving...where he is today I don't have a clue...I wish I knew then what I knew now....
Guess What I Know How to Laugh again....from the bottom of my heart...Life is to short to miss laughing!
On Your Side,
Rose
1
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
At least you are in a good position financially and good for you for protecting your house. You might want to get legal advice and make sure you are as safe as you think.
Personally, if it would make you feel better, go ahead. Otherwise, time will usually take care of this.
Hugs
Should I File A Missing Person's Report?
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 24
TY.
I owned a house (and my car - outright) before we married (I was 17 when I went on my own and 31 when I married him). In 2004 I sold that house and used the equity (over $40K) to put 20% down on this house and the mortgage as well as title are mine and I have always paid the mortgage, taxes and insurance. I knew I was marrying an addict and didn't want to take chances. I also paid all of the utilities. He was responsible for food, health and life insurance, car insurance and maintenance, and all of the maintenance outside the house. But I did these things on my own from age 17 to 31, and I owned a house before I met him, so I am not in shock over having to do everything again.
I am glad I already had a house, a car and a degree in a high-demand field when I married him because I never wanted to be like my mother or his mother - pregnant at 19 and forced to marry a selfish man. Yeah, I was pregnant at 19, but I had her and raised her alone until she was 12. Now she is 17 and pretty much and adult as far as I see it.
I was smart enough not to have kids with him. I read the stories here and despite the fact that he gave me three years of a drug/alcohol-free marriage, I would not have taken the chance. Dealing with boundaries is much harder when you have little kids, little or no employment prospects, and have to deal with child care. It is what keeps women trapped and addicts doing what they please.
I still haven't heard from him but I told him he can't come back until he goes to a rehab and then sober living and I see 6 mos to a year of change. I am sure he will go to the city mission if he doesn't go to rehab or kill himself.
I have to go to work, I'll be back tonight.
BTW, my name isn't "Gena" - that stands for genealogist. My name is really Teresa and I don't care who reads this or sees this or figures out who I am because I didn't cause this and I have nothing to be ashamed of anymore. I'm not hiding behind a pseudonym anymore because of what he has done.
Thanks,
Teresa
I owned a house (and my car - outright) before we married (I was 17 when I went on my own and 31 when I married him). In 2004 I sold that house and used the equity (over $40K) to put 20% down on this house and the mortgage as well as title are mine and I have always paid the mortgage, taxes and insurance. I knew I was marrying an addict and didn't want to take chances. I also paid all of the utilities. He was responsible for food, health and life insurance, car insurance and maintenance, and all of the maintenance outside the house. But I did these things on my own from age 17 to 31, and I owned a house before I met him, so I am not in shock over having to do everything again.
I am glad I already had a house, a car and a degree in a high-demand field when I married him because I never wanted to be like my mother or his mother - pregnant at 19 and forced to marry a selfish man. Yeah, I was pregnant at 19, but I had her and raised her alone until she was 12. Now she is 17 and pretty much and adult as far as I see it.
I was smart enough not to have kids with him. I read the stories here and despite the fact that he gave me three years of a drug/alcohol-free marriage, I would not have taken the chance. Dealing with boundaries is much harder when you have little kids, little or no employment prospects, and have to deal with child care. It is what keeps women trapped and addicts doing what they please.
I still haven't heard from him but I told him he can't come back until he goes to a rehab and then sober living and I see 6 mos to a year of change. I am sure he will go to the city mission if he doesn't go to rehab or kill himself.
I have to go to work, I'll be back tonight.
BTW, my name isn't "Gena" - that stands for genealogist. My name is really Teresa and I don't care who reads this or sees this or figures out who I am because I didn't cause this and I have nothing to be ashamed of anymore. I'm not hiding behind a pseudonym anymore because of what he has done.
Thanks,
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
I have to agree with Ann, seek some legal advice. Get protected! It is sick and sad but I had no idea just where creditors could snuggle in without my name attached.
My family dragged me down to a lawyer when this all started with my husband, at that time I did not know what she was even talking about, my head was gone. This lawyer saved my bacon and I didn't even know at the time but a few years later when things got rolling along...what she put on the house though the court was called a Certificate of Pending Litigation, I had no idea what it was at the time or what it ment, but now I sure do...I was a judgement put on the home that from this date forward any claim for money owed to anyone would last or void.
It is unreal how manytimes his creditor's behind my back tried to put leins on the home and went to the courts to try, but because I had this Court Ordered Certificate nothing could go through. My house today would have been gone from the money that he owes.
Get some advise,
Rose
My family dragged me down to a lawyer when this all started with my husband, at that time I did not know what she was even talking about, my head was gone. This lawyer saved my bacon and I didn't even know at the time but a few years later when things got rolling along...what she put on the house though the court was called a Certificate of Pending Litigation, I had no idea what it was at the time or what it ment, but now I sure do...I was a judgement put on the home that from this date forward any claim for money owed to anyone would last or void.
It is unreal how manytimes his creditor's behind my back tried to put leins on the home and went to the courts to try, but because I had this Court Ordered Certificate nothing could go through. My house today would have been gone from the money that he owes.
Get some advise,
Rose
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 24
Rose,
My sister is a lawyer so I am getting proper advice.
As for my house, I can prove that the equity was paid for with profits I made on a house I purchased with my own funds well before we met.
Furthermore, he would not care to try to get this house. He would just go back to his mother's if worse came to worse. It is obvious that he doesn't know how to handle responsibility or success.
I just got home from work and I have not heard from him or anyone regarding him. I wonder where he is staying and what he is doing and how long he can keep this up when he is 42 and out of shape.
All I can do is hope he has a revelation. However, he has been in rehabs before and they never addressed his other issues (like he's bipolar, histrionic, narcissistic and wants to be like his dead father who in my opinion blows and is where he belongs).
My sister is a lawyer so I am getting proper advice.
As for my house, I can prove that the equity was paid for with profits I made on a house I purchased with my own funds well before we met.
Furthermore, he would not care to try to get this house. He would just go back to his mother's if worse came to worse. It is obvious that he doesn't know how to handle responsibility or success.
I just got home from work and I have not heard from him or anyone regarding him. I wonder where he is staying and what he is doing and how long he can keep this up when he is 42 and out of shape.
All I can do is hope he has a revelation. However, he has been in rehabs before and they never addressed his other issues (like he's bipolar, histrionic, narcissistic and wants to be like his dead father who in my opinion blows and is where he belongs).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 24
He's alive and still out smoking crack.
I got a call from the credit card company. He made four transactions just a little while ago today. In the ghetto.
I called my MIL. I'm not driving there looking for him, neither is she or his brother.
I am going to the chocolate shoppe tonight and going bowling.
Once again, I spent my one day off dealing with his mess. I spent the morning at the DMV getting my new car and title out of his name and legally mine. He bought it for me, promised to make the payments, loan in his name, and made two before he relapsed. I make the payments now and I still have my old car, long paid for and legally mine.
I feel like I don't even want to drive him to a rehab if he shows up. When I took his key, he said he would drive himself and I told him I didn't want to hear from him until he was calling me from there.
Eventually his insurance will lapse and his plates will be suspended. Other than the credit cards, he is renting out the family SUV to the drug dealers to get money. I can't report "Unauthorized Use" because he owns title.
Oh well.
I wonder if he feels bad for one second. Do addicts, when out seeking crack, ever think about their spouses/loved ones?
I got a call from the credit card company. He made four transactions just a little while ago today. In the ghetto.
I called my MIL. I'm not driving there looking for him, neither is she or his brother.
I am going to the chocolate shoppe tonight and going bowling.
Once again, I spent my one day off dealing with his mess. I spent the morning at the DMV getting my new car and title out of his name and legally mine. He bought it for me, promised to make the payments, loan in his name, and made two before he relapsed. I make the payments now and I still have my old car, long paid for and legally mine.
I feel like I don't even want to drive him to a rehab if he shows up. When I took his key, he said he would drive himself and I told him I didn't want to hear from him until he was calling me from there.
Eventually his insurance will lapse and his plates will be suspended. Other than the credit cards, he is renting out the family SUV to the drug dealers to get money. I can't report "Unauthorized Use" because he owns title.
Oh well.
I wonder if he feels bad for one second. Do addicts, when out seeking crack, ever think about their spouses/loved ones?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I took his key to the house on Monday (he was out since Friday and came home to get his credit card for "gas to drive himself to the rehab" LOL...the lies...)and I told him next time I hear from him he had better be calling from a rehab.
wonder if he feels bad for one second. Do addicts, when out seeking crack, ever think about their spouses/loved ones?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I wonder if he feels bad for one second. Do addicts, when out seeking crack, ever think about their spouses/loved ones?
Sure after a binge they may feel bad. But its all about them. Addiction is a selfish disease.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 1
I am tired!!
Hi, I just read your entry and it hit close to home. I am not married to my addict, but we have been together for 9 years. In the beginning it wasn't like this. from 2004 unitl now, it is crazy. R has a drinking problem and i believe he does crack as well, i have come across some drug paraphanlia, but he denies it. He is currenlty MIA, he has been gone sense Friday, 9/19/08, no call, nothing. in the past i use to worry, miss work, go out looking for him, call the jail, call hosiptal, but you know, i don't care.
i am just tried and i want out, then i worry, what if something is wrong, when do i call to file a missing persons report. this is not the first time he has been gone for days. back in 2004 he left for 30 days and i did file a police report then. i just need a sounding board, don't have anyone to talk to. my family and friends are tired of hearing me whine. they tell me to dump his sorry butt. he is 50 and yeah i do love him. i feel like i am his mom instead of his partner. he can't keep a job. luckily i have a decent job. lucky we have no kids.
any ideas or comments are greatly appreciated.
i am just tried and i want out, then i worry, what if something is wrong, when do i call to file a missing persons report. this is not the first time he has been gone for days. back in 2004 he left for 30 days and i did file a police report then. i just need a sounding board, don't have anyone to talk to. my family and friends are tired of hearing me whine. they tell me to dump his sorry butt. he is 50 and yeah i do love him. i feel like i am his mom instead of his partner. he can't keep a job. luckily i have a decent job. lucky we have no kids.
any ideas or comments are greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Lynn, Welcome to SR. The addict in my life is my daughter. I had to let her go and let her do whatever it took for her to decide to get help. Why don't you start a new thread and introduce yourself. Lots of great people on here who will be willing to listen and share their experiences with you. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
like many other here who love and or married a crack addict~~~~you could be writing my story
my AH also has a history of addiction, jail then rebuilding his life with the wife, home, career, custody of the children the whole new life
only to turn around and use again, then for the next 2 -3 years he bindge used every 30 to 90 days
The anger, and the fear are familiar feelings for me, even today when he has the most time clean that hes had since that first relapse 3 years ago~~~~but somewhere in the back of my mind, like you I have that doubt that they can recover forever
hope, but my fears still overrides that somedays
hang in there,
as for filing the missings persons~~~well I think yeah you should if for no other reason but peace of mind
my AH also has a history of addiction, jail then rebuilding his life with the wife, home, career, custody of the children the whole new life
only to turn around and use again, then for the next 2 -3 years he bindge used every 30 to 90 days
The anger, and the fear are familiar feelings for me, even today when he has the most time clean that hes had since that first relapse 3 years ago~~~~but somewhere in the back of my mind, like you I have that doubt that they can recover forever
hope, but my fears still overrides that somedays
hang in there,
as for filing the missings persons~~~well I think yeah you should if for no other reason but peace of mind
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
I must say it sounds like you have been to hell and back with him. Thank goodness you are a smart woman and can support yourself because this alone can get you out of the hole so many are in and can't get out. It doesn't take the hurt away but it dam sure helps to be able handle the financial end.
Not sure if you are going to any meetings for yourself or that you have time but you should try to fine like Naranon to talk. This is a good place as you know but sometimes one on one helps too.
Not sure if you are going to any meetings for yourself or that you have time but you should try to fine like Naranon to talk. This is a good place as you know but sometimes one on one helps too.
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