18 year old daughter using?

Old 09-21-2012, 07:27 AM
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This situation sounds a lot like my daughter at 18. I too went through the
"my house/my rules" and tried to control every aspect of her life, both in and out of my home.

Trying to control her lead to mutual resentments and eventually she walked out the door and into hell.That was more than 6 years ago.

I think she was in the express lane to hell, no matter what. The more I tried to prevent and protect her from reaching her destination, the deeper she went. My role in all that happened, especially protecting her from the consequences, enabled her. Manipulating her into three back to back rehabs was a serious waste of time, energy and money.

She needed to experience hell and all its consequences to find the strength to pull herself out of it. She eventually did so when she she decided she had had enough. That every one of her drugs buddies was either in prison or dead probably made a serious contribution to her decision to change her own life.
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Old 09-21-2012, 07:53 AM
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This is a hauntingly familiar story, MadKarma...My 19 yo daughter was deeply involved with a guy who she basically picked up off the street. She rescued him, cleaned him up (as in bathed), and then before long they were inseparable. She was 16. No efforts on my part, nearly exactly like you describe, did anything to stop her behavior and the deepening relationship. Even after a violent incident which led to an Order of Protection, she still defended him and would also contact him. I could not understand this defense of him, but I now know that heroin was involved and was an integral part of their relationship. I had NO idea then; I was so focused on trying to keep her safe, trying to keep her from running away with him, etc.

All this to say that I have spent many days trying to figure out what I could have done differently, and on good days I believe I did all a mother could do. On bad days, I despair at what a crappy parent I must have been to have not seen I had a heroin addict living in my house...You are doing all you can do right now to help her see a better way, but...because she is 18, she can leave at any point. You can't be afraid of this in her presence. If she doesn't like your rules and you demand she comply, she will turn your life into chaotic misery, this I know. (I let go of all rules at one point as long as she kept coming home. This was my most desperate time.)

Believe me, I understand EXACTLY what motivates you to try to control her life--college, safety, family, safety, fear, and most of all, your expectation that her life should be what you want it to be. These are all completely understandable things for a loving sober parent to want for a child. The hard part is that she's 18, and if there are drugs involved, what would be a fairly benign teenage romance can turn into an obsession, and she really can and may choose to leave. You are used to being the parent who can demand and expect certain things. Totally normal. But soon she will realize you can't do that anymore in the same way because of her legal age. It is purgatory for us, this time between 17-20. And yet, if she won't comply in a reasonable way to the rules of your home, you really might consider letting her go...She will find her way.

A year ago, if I had known of SR, I would have NEVER been able to take this advice, so I understand if you think I am crazy to suggest such a thing. But today, my AD is a recovering addict who is living in a sober house and going to college full time, working an outpatient program, going to NA, etc. She has a new BF she met in rehab. He's 30. It freaks me out. But you know what? She's so much better today than she was a year ago, and she did all of the recovery (minus the ICU hospital stay) on her own volition. We don't communicate much right now, but I have learned that is common for young recovering addicts to pull back a bit from family. Now it is my turn to work my own recovery.

What a journey we are on. I am here for you, and have so much empathy for your situation. Feel free to private message me anytime. Amy
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Old 09-21-2012, 10:21 AM
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How do you feel about the boyfriend?

Having been in a controlling, abusive relationship, that's what this could be. (Not to throw another possibility out there!)

Women in controlling relationships often times are desperate to stay because they are so paranoid about what will happen if they leave/separate. I know my exhusband appeared to be "the nicest guy" to anybody on the outside, but over time just wore me down to feeling like nothing.

Good luck MadKarma, I hope you get to the bottom of the issue with your daughter.
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Old 09-21-2012, 05:36 PM
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JMFburns, I alternately feel good and bad about the boyfriend. He tells me everything that I want to hear. Is it truth? I don't know. He definitely has a hold on her, but I've talked to their manager at work, a mutual friend who had been around them a lot, etc. etc. and they all think he's a nice guy. But is he an Eddie Haskell type who fools everyone? I just don't know.
GardenMama, its so interesting that you said that your daughter took that guy in and cleaned him up. It's been the talk of my family that my daughter continuously finds these guys that she has to help. They are like helpless puppies and she feels bad for them but then she starts dating them.
Could he be supplying her with drugs? I suppose. I'm not completely convinced that she isn't doing drugs, but everyone that I have talked to thinks she's clean. I don't know how she would be able to afford drugs honestly. She has no money and neither does he really.
Outtolunch, I have felt that as of late. That my desperate need to keep her safe is driving her farther away. "I hate you most of all" is what she kept saying to me. She knew that would cut me deeply since we were always so close.
SundaysChild and DJ, thank you.
Fandy, he is just working. He and my daughter worked together until she quit. I found out today that she had told her managers that she didn't want to work unless she was working the same shifts as him. They were purposely putting them on opposite shifts because their relationship was getting in the way of their job.
Sunday my husband is going to have a "man to man" sit down with the boyfriend. Hopefully he will get a feel for him. He has a pretty good BS meter, much better than mine anyway.
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Old 09-23-2012, 07:34 AM
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I really hope you can work things out for her before it gets worse.
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