Why am I doing this?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Why am I doing this?
Last night my husband and I had an little argument. It wasn't a big deal. This morning, he tired to apologize and make up and I was not receptive.
He just called me to tell me again he was sorry. He had just met with his sponsor after his meeting. He was very emotional and shared he was struggling with dealing with his feelings and all his guilt.
I told him that I would try to understand his recovery but I would not allow him to interfere with mine. He was humble, upset and very apologetic.
Here is the sick part....I enjoyed it. I liked hearing him grovel for MY forgiveness and I really don't understand why.
I thought I had processed through my anger. I truly believed I could forgive him as long as he got clean and worked on his recovery.
He has been really easy to deal with during the last 21 days of being clean and working on his recovery. I think the hard part I read about is coming. So why would I make it harder on him?
I prayed and prayed for him to get clean and now I am making him pay for it? What is wrong with me?
He just called me to tell me again he was sorry. He had just met with his sponsor after his meeting. He was very emotional and shared he was struggling with dealing with his feelings and all his guilt.
I told him that I would try to understand his recovery but I would not allow him to interfere with mine. He was humble, upset and very apologetic.
Here is the sick part....I enjoyed it. I liked hearing him grovel for MY forgiveness and I really don't understand why.
I thought I had processed through my anger. I truly believed I could forgive him as long as he got clean and worked on his recovery.
He has been really easy to deal with during the last 21 days of being clean and working on his recovery. I think the hard part I read about is coming. So why would I make it harder on him?
I prayed and prayed for him to get clean and now I am making him pay for it? What is wrong with me?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Nothing is wrong with you. Twenty-one days of sobriety doesn't begin to make up for how ever many years of chaos and insanity came before.
You both need to understand it is going to take time. You didn't get to where you are in 3 weeks, so it is ridiculous to think that 3 weeks is going to make everything better.
You are entitled to your feelings and you should allow yourself to feel them. He needs to know that, and he also needs to know that just because he may be doing the right thing right now, that doesn't mean that the past is erased.
Cut yourself some slack. If he continues on a path of recovery, things will get easier, but it certainly isn't going to happen in a few weeks or even a few months.
You both need to understand it is going to take time. You didn't get to where you are in 3 weeks, so it is ridiculous to think that 3 weeks is going to make everything better.
You are entitled to your feelings and you should allow yourself to feel them. He needs to know that, and he also needs to know that just because he may be doing the right thing right now, that doesn't mean that the past is erased.
Cut yourself some slack. If he continues on a path of recovery, things will get easier, but it certainly isn't going to happen in a few weeks or even a few months.
Getting there!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by cynical one 
Maybe, maybe not. She doesn't know him sober and even though she loves him...she may not like him.
He looked so broken tonight and I really wanted to comfort him. But I think my need to comfort him was based on pity and I will not do anything from fear, obligation, guilt or pity.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
This is my thought, is it possible that you are trying to control him, his feelings, his repsonses toward you? whatever you argued about, was it really up to him to make the sole apology, or do you feel like he owes it to you now to bend to your will? And that is why you enjoyed it?
Im not saying this is the case, but it is something to question of yourself maybe.
Im not saying this is the case, but it is something to question of yourself maybe.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by allforcnm
This is my thought, is it possible that you are trying to control him, his feelings, his repsonses toward you? whatever you argued about, was it really up to him to make the sole apology, or do you feel like he owes it to you now to bend to your will? And that is why you enjoyed it?
Im not saying this is the case, but it is something to question of yourself maybe.
Im not saying this is the case, but it is something to question of yourself maybe.
Or maybe I just want step 8 now.
Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Or maybe I just have a bad case of raging PMS. I had an argument with my daughter too and we hardly ever argue.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by allforcnm
Ive heard the term "pink cloud" referenced before, but what does it mean?
Surviving the Pink Cloud in Recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by cynical one
I fully understand now why it's a life long battle, that takes commitment and hard work. One slip and it can be over.
My husband talks about a lot about people who have years clean, start taking their recovery for granted and then they relapse. And the cycle starts all over again.
Translation - work harder on me, work harder on me, work harder on me.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Perhaps you are a wee too involved in his recovery. He will get to step 8 on his own time, your wants have nothing to do with his path of recovery.
Are you back living together, or does he just come over morning, noon and night?
IMO recovery is a singular project, and, attempting to get wrapped up in anothers recovery will only set the codie back, we codies want to control and forget that we can only control ourselves,and not others.
Just my two cents.
Are you back living together, or does he just come over morning, noon and night?
IMO recovery is a singular project, and, attempting to get wrapped up in anothers recovery will only set the codie back, we codies want to control and forget that we can only control ourselves,and not others.
Just my two cents.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
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Dollydo,
I am not involving myself in his recovery. I don't even understand his recovery and he doesn't understand mine and he doesn't need to. In fact, the couple times I have slipped over the 3 weeks, he has quick to remind me to stay on my side of the street. (may be a NA saying, I don't know).
If someone from NA gives him advice, he takes it to heart....I could have had the same thing and it would have fallen on deaf ears. He respects his sponsor and his support group of 3 guys. I leave it alone. I know the names but have not met any of them, although I have been invited to meet them in a social setting. I have not met any of them because I have my own recovery to work on and I am just not ready to meet his "people" yet. He asked me to go to a NA picnic too, I declined. My therapist told me "it was ok to supportive" and I explained I am not ready for that. I jokingly posted I can only handle "ONE ADDICT AT A TIME" but there is so much truth in that statement. Again, I am not judging anyone...I just have the NEED to protect MY sanity right now and I know that would cause me anxiety and I am not willing to do it...not right now anyway.
I did share a few of the SR's posts with him. I shared what JJ's family was gong through. It was so heartbreaking. He and I know and adored a young man nick named JJ, a now recovery addict and I told him about what was happening with the JJ one SR. He later asked me nicely "not to share anything about drugs with him." I said OK, no questioned asked. But I was little confused about it and and reached out to someone on SR who could explain. I "assumed" there was plenty of talk about drugs at NA meetings. I was wrong. She explained NA's philosophy to me, I respect her advice, and have respected his wishes from the day he asked. Staying out of his recovery isn't always easy because I don't understand it, I didn't understand what could be a trigger to him. I am not involved but I don't want to hurt it either. I was told his brain is minefield....do not talk about drugs at all. I do think an open NA meeting would be helpful, and sometime in the future I will attend one.
He is here morning, afternoon and night. He works from here (home office), we have dinner together and just because he is working his recovery, IMO, he still has responsibilities around here too! He has rented a small place but is really never there. Waste of money, NO!! It gives ME a piece of mind and no amount of money could by that.
I said I wanted step 8, somewhat in jest because I enjoyed his "groveling" which made me feel kind of sadistic. I know he is working the steps with his sponsor and I have no idea what step he is on now. I do know that I haven't finished step 1 though.
Hands of the addict! Great statement and I respect it!!
I am not involving myself in his recovery. I don't even understand his recovery and he doesn't understand mine and he doesn't need to. In fact, the couple times I have slipped over the 3 weeks, he has quick to remind me to stay on my side of the street. (may be a NA saying, I don't know).
If someone from NA gives him advice, he takes it to heart....I could have had the same thing and it would have fallen on deaf ears. He respects his sponsor and his support group of 3 guys. I leave it alone. I know the names but have not met any of them, although I have been invited to meet them in a social setting. I have not met any of them because I have my own recovery to work on and I am just not ready to meet his "people" yet. He asked me to go to a NA picnic too, I declined. My therapist told me "it was ok to supportive" and I explained I am not ready for that. I jokingly posted I can only handle "ONE ADDICT AT A TIME" but there is so much truth in that statement. Again, I am not judging anyone...I just have the NEED to protect MY sanity right now and I know that would cause me anxiety and I am not willing to do it...not right now anyway.
I did share a few of the SR's posts with him. I shared what JJ's family was gong through. It was so heartbreaking. He and I know and adored a young man nick named JJ, a now recovery addict and I told him about what was happening with the JJ one SR. He later asked me nicely "not to share anything about drugs with him." I said OK, no questioned asked. But I was little confused about it and and reached out to someone on SR who could explain. I "assumed" there was plenty of talk about drugs at NA meetings. I was wrong. She explained NA's philosophy to me, I respect her advice, and have respected his wishes from the day he asked. Staying out of his recovery isn't always easy because I don't understand it, I didn't understand what could be a trigger to him. I am not involved but I don't want to hurt it either. I was told his brain is minefield....do not talk about drugs at all. I do think an open NA meeting would be helpful, and sometime in the future I will attend one.
He is here morning, afternoon and night. He works from here (home office), we have dinner together and just because he is working his recovery, IMO, he still has responsibilities around here too! He has rented a small place but is really never there. Waste of money, NO!! It gives ME a piece of mind and no amount of money could by that.
I said I wanted step 8, somewhat in jest because I enjoyed his "groveling" which made me feel kind of sadistic. I know he is working the steps with his sponsor and I have no idea what step he is on now. I do know that I haven't finished step 1 though.
Hands of the addict! Great statement and I respect it!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
I may not know who he will become and that is a scary thought. But he was not an addict when I met and married him and I liked and loved that man.
I have spent many years now discovering who I am and working a program of recovery.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by anvilhead
why doesn't he move his home office to his place...that would give you both some much needed space,IMHO. the whole idea of separation is to be, well, separate.
As long as I am still working MY recovery and staying out of his and vice versa....and we are getting along, enjoying each others company and being productive... I don't see the need to be separated. Why do you? What am I missing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Freedom,
Congratulations and that's awesome.
I too hope that I will be forever changed from my "codieness."
Can 2 unhealthy people become healthy and still love and like (I think there is a difference) each other. It's possible. Is it probable? I don't know. I can't predict our future...I am just living one day at a time.
Congratulations and that's awesome.
I too hope that I will be forever changed from my "codieness."
Can 2 unhealthy people become healthy and still love and like (I think there is a difference) each other. It's possible. Is it probable? I don't know. I can't predict our future...I am just living one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
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Posts: 312
Originally Posted by cynical one
Maybe, maybe not. She doesn't know him sober and even though she loves him...she may not like him.
Good luck to you LMN, hope all works out for the best.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
He will never be that man again. Addiction forever changes us addicts. I am not the person I was prior to active addiction, and I am grateful for that.
Little did she know. I can tell this, that I did learn at least for a while how to control and/or enjoy but NEVER at the same time, roflmao. I also learned very quickly that the alcohol made me feel like 'I fit in.' I was no longer an 'alien.' It was only years later in recovery that I discovered that I was 'self medicating' a Bi Polar disorder that has been with me my whole life. I also learned that YES, I did walk to a different drummer, always had and probably always would. The difference, for me, in recovery, was/is that it did not matter any more.
When I did find recovery at 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday, I may have been 36 chronologically, however, mentally and emotionally I was like that 12 1/2 year old young girl with all the teenage emotions. Sheesh it was so hard.
Even though I was 'doing it', ie working, paying my bills, keeping my house clean, grocery shopping all the 'stuff' that adults do, I was just 'going through the motions.' It took until I was about 5 years or so into recovery that I actually started to 'feel' like I was an adult doing adult things. It was not a real pretty time in my sobriety. A lot of 'sensory' overload, a lot of 'hurdles' to overcome, including being married to another sober alcoholic.
He was not growing at all in his recovery and I sometimes felt like I was going backwards, with all the emotions. He chose to change his DOC and came up with a gambling addiction, which is actually what got me into Alanon.
This is why many times on here I have said that I believe that Alanon 'helped' me more than AA did. It was Alanon that helped me to get from that 12 1/2 year old young preteen girl to an adult woman in all facets of my life.
So (((((LMN))))) from my own experience, and from learning from others experiences, I can truthfully say that the man you knew is long gone. What he will turn out to be is anyone's guess, and who he will turn out to be is probably a ways into the future yet.
Also, please remember, that as you continue to work the steps and GROW and CHANGE in your own recovery, you will no longer be that person that you were. You too will be a 'different' you.
So, even though you are posting on here, I truly hope that you are keeping your own private journal and that you keep using it. It too will become an excellent tool as you continue this journey, to be able to open an earlier journal and read to see how far you have come. I used spiralled 3 ring binders. And on the front I put the dates 'from' and 'to'. I still journal to this day, just not every day anymore.
At 25 years sober, I had a big bonfire and burned the first 20 years of journals, except for the first year. I still go back and read it once in a while. I still have year one, and years 21 through the present. It may be time soon to have another bonfire, lol
I continue, I hope, to grow and change, as this is an ongoing journey until the day my ashes are put up on Dona Ana Mountain. Heck I have changed a lot, since I first found Sober Recovery. And I have changed a lot since I got my first home computer and found some 'online recovery sites'. Another one is where I first met our Carol D, long before Sober Recovery was even in existence.
So keep working you LMN and it will get better for you, whether you two stay together or not.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Getting there!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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I have been to at least 10 meetings and well over 10 therapy sessions.
I wanted him to have his own place....as a back up plan. In case we needed space, in case he relapsed, in case I couldn't stand him while he goes through whatever addicts go through - while trying to recover. Also, I am going away for a few days so I wanted him here to take care of the dogs. It didn't start out him here every night but has come to that. His office in not in the actual house..it's attached. When I kicked him out, he only took what he needed at the time and it wasn't the best situation, productivity wise.
But I agree, I may be pinning too much hope about my future....on HIM. Crap!!!!!!!! Is that what you mean about being too involved in his recovery??
F@%! I hate addiction, I hate codependency. Even if divorced him or kicked him out today, my problems are far from solved. I still am me and that there lies the biggest problem.
I wanted him to have his own place....as a back up plan. In case we needed space, in case he relapsed, in case I couldn't stand him while he goes through whatever addicts go through - while trying to recover. Also, I am going away for a few days so I wanted him here to take care of the dogs. It didn't start out him here every night but has come to that. His office in not in the actual house..it's attached. When I kicked him out, he only took what he needed at the time and it wasn't the best situation, productivity wise.
But I agree, I may be pinning too much hope about my future....on HIM. Crap!!!!!!!! Is that what you mean about being too involved in his recovery??
F@%! I hate addiction, I hate codependency. Even if divorced him or kicked him out today, my problems are far from solved. I still am me and that there lies the biggest problem.
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making him grovel is probably part of the dysfunctional roles in your relationship
the addict is often "beneath" the codependent..."inferior", the "sick one", the one that needs to ask for "forgiveness"
the deeper I go into recovery for codependency the less I even think about the need for an apology from someone ELSE. rather I keep seeking progress in my own spirit/life/heart/mind/consciousness.
wanting someone else to grovel is a flag
that is why space and time and more understanding in recovery is necessary
the biggest amends take alot of care, forethought and clearing away/sorting through wreckage to understand. if he apologizes due to the guilt of the groveling too soon he may end up "owning" what isn't his...there are two sides to the street here!
the addict is often "beneath" the codependent..."inferior", the "sick one", the one that needs to ask for "forgiveness"
the deeper I go into recovery for codependency the less I even think about the need for an apology from someone ELSE. rather I keep seeking progress in my own spirit/life/heart/mind/consciousness.
wanting someone else to grovel is a flag
that is why space and time and more understanding in recovery is necessary
the biggest amends take alot of care, forethought and clearing away/sorting through wreckage to understand. if he apologizes due to the guilt of the groveling too soon he may end up "owning" what isn't his...there are two sides to the street here!
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
Last night my husband and I had an little argument. It wasn't a big deal. This morning, he tired to apologize and make up and I was not receptive.
He just called me to tell me again he was sorry. He had just met with his sponsor after his meeting. He was very emotional and shared he was struggling with dealing with his feelings and all his guilt.
I told him that I would try to understand his recovery but I would not allow him to interfere with mine. He was humble, upset and very apologetic.
Here is the sick part....I enjoyed it. I liked hearing him grovel for MY forgiveness and I really don't understand why.
I thought I had processed through my anger. I truly believed I could forgive him as long as he got clean and worked on his recovery.
He has been really easy to deal with during the last 21 days of being clean and working on his recovery. I think the hard part I read about is coming. So why would I make it harder on him?
I prayed and prayed for him to get clean and now I am making him pay for it? What is wrong with me?
He just called me to tell me again he was sorry. He had just met with his sponsor after his meeting. He was very emotional and shared he was struggling with dealing with his feelings and all his guilt.
I told him that I would try to understand his recovery but I would not allow him to interfere with mine. He was humble, upset and very apologetic.
Here is the sick part....I enjoyed it. I liked hearing him grovel for MY forgiveness and I really don't understand why.
I thought I had processed through my anger. I truly believed I could forgive him as long as he got clean and worked on his recovery.
He has been really easy to deal with during the last 21 days of being clean and working on his recovery. I think the hard part I read about is coming. So why would I make it harder on him?
I prayed and prayed for him to get clean and now I am making him pay for it? What is wrong with me?
Anger is a funny, funny beast. We go through periods of time where we think we've got it under control, and then something tickles it a bit, wakes it up, and there it is again. And anger's OK, so long as it doesn't color your bevahior to the point where it's destructive. If you two just had a disagreement of little lasting consequence, I don't see the harm of just letting it go. Life's tough enough as it is without letting little things annoy us.
ZoSo
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