What do you do..............
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
You hit them over the head with something hard and then call the ambulance... ;o)
Hey Ngaire...
I know this is no joking matter... but.. sometimes that's the only solution left...
Other than that... one has to detach....
what else can be done...??
I would state my concerns... strongly... and then give em up to God.
It's their life.. even if it's only headed in a destructive direction.
Hey Ngaire...
I know this is no joking matter... but.. sometimes that's the only solution left...
Other than that... one has to detach....
what else can be done...??
I would state my concerns... strongly... and then give em up to God.
It's their life.. even if it's only headed in a destructive direction.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
What i have done is,told hub,about my concerens,told him that im talking to his doctor,about my concerns,.Yup hub got peaved.Its none of my business,,blah,blah,blah...But it was something i felt that i needed to do.didnt change him though........He didnt go to the Dr.,until he wanted to go.,bottom line....But i personally felt better,that at least our Dr,is aware,and informed.At which point what his Dr,and him do about it,is none of my bussiness.Unless they tell me.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
It makes you crazy because you are thinking clearly, but the alcoholic is not. There is nothing you can do, if the alcoholic is an adult. You cannot force them to go get medical help.
However, you can let it go for now, and make the suggestion at a different time, using a calm, non-judgmental tone of voice. I have found that making the suggestion at another time, in a calm voice, can sometimes result in the alcoholic being more open to my suggestions. The alcoholic really needs to learn to take care of themself, so I don't press the issue too much. (it's not really my business)
Finally - learn to detach. (it helps)
Robin
However, you can let it go for now, and make the suggestion at a different time, using a calm, non-judgmental tone of voice. I have found that making the suggestion at another time, in a calm voice, can sometimes result in the alcoholic being more open to my suggestions. The alcoholic really needs to learn to take care of themself, so I don't press the issue too much. (it's not really my business)
Finally - learn to detach. (it helps)
Robin
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I stayed like a stuck record on what's reasonable and what isn't. It's reasonable to pay half the household costs, it's reasonable to not be able to do that if you're ill BUT then it becomes reasonable to get help.
Something I often forget is to try and put myself in the other's shoes. Why would I avoid the doc? What would help that? People (addicted or not IMO) avoid what they find aversive, unpleasant, worrying, embarassing or any combination. Being ill is unpleasant so to avoid a doctor you either have to think the doc can't/won't help OR for some reason find the process aversive.
For example if a doctor is going to say stop drinking THAT would be percieved as aversive to someone alcohol dependent (I reckon that's fair to pressume!!). So then if you're trying to encourage them to go you have to know what your ultimate motivation is - to get them to the docs or to get them to the docs so they have someone say the same as you (and me!). When D first went I reminded him that the doc can't force him to do anything, just offer information which in itself can't hurt. I also reminded him (when he first went) that he had a job, a wife who loved him and was doing something ultimately the doc would respect in being honest. I suggested that he was far from someone that they would despair of because so many are much worse.
In that case my objective was to get him there - no more. I knew that someone medical needed to know, I knew whatever they told him it would still be his choice what he did so I remained simply stating - you're ill, going to the doctor is reasonable, you called in sick - going to the doctor is reasonable etc etc etc. Unfortunately then the doc told him not to worry about his drinking and go out there and live a little!! ARGHHHHHHH!!! Thankfully since then he's read his notes and knows him - funny how something positive can come from something that seemed so flippin' hopeless!
Arguments make people say the opposite, more so than if you can try and see their point of view and build on something you can share. For us to start with that was not HAVING to comply with the doctor, just go and listen. It's a start and for my money a better one than an argument and him going under duress.
Hope that has something to help.
Something I often forget is to try and put myself in the other's shoes. Why would I avoid the doc? What would help that? People (addicted or not IMO) avoid what they find aversive, unpleasant, worrying, embarassing or any combination. Being ill is unpleasant so to avoid a doctor you either have to think the doc can't/won't help OR for some reason find the process aversive.
For example if a doctor is going to say stop drinking THAT would be percieved as aversive to someone alcohol dependent (I reckon that's fair to pressume!!). So then if you're trying to encourage them to go you have to know what your ultimate motivation is - to get them to the docs or to get them to the docs so they have someone say the same as you (and me!). When D first went I reminded him that the doc can't force him to do anything, just offer information which in itself can't hurt. I also reminded him (when he first went) that he had a job, a wife who loved him and was doing something ultimately the doc would respect in being honest. I suggested that he was far from someone that they would despair of because so many are much worse.
In that case my objective was to get him there - no more. I knew that someone medical needed to know, I knew whatever they told him it would still be his choice what he did so I remained simply stating - you're ill, going to the doctor is reasonable, you called in sick - going to the doctor is reasonable etc etc etc. Unfortunately then the doc told him not to worry about his drinking and go out there and live a little!! ARGHHHHHHH!!! Thankfully since then he's read his notes and knows him - funny how something positive can come from something that seemed so flippin' hopeless!
Arguments make people say the opposite, more so than if you can try and see their point of view and build on something you can share. For us to start with that was not HAVING to comply with the doctor, just go and listen. It's a start and for my money a better one than an argument and him going under duress.
Hope that has something to help.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
M avoided the doctors intentionally because she feared close examination of her problems would have drawn attention to her drinking. She was also petrified of the possibility of any lengthily hospital stay that might interfere with her drinking routine. And by lengthily I mean anything longer than several hours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
The not going to the doctor business is out of FEAR and embaressment. These I know.
But.............in my logic you deal with it not avoid and let it get worse and worse.
And no it's not contagious.
Ngaire
But.............in my logic you deal with it not avoid and let it get worse and worse.
And no it's not contagious.
Ngaire
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I found myself in the same situation as you, Ngaire. And my way of handling the situation was the polar opposite of Equus' method. And while my method was successful, it was a major codie event. I manipulated and controlled and pushed Richard into seeing a doctor.
What did I do specifically? I called his doctor, explained his symptoms and my concerns (I suspected he had diabetes), and made an appointment for him without mentioning a word about it to Richard.
Then on the day of his appointment, I drove him to the doctor's office and said, "I've made you a doctor's appointment, you best go inside so you won't be late." The doctor confirmed my suspicions, and Richard got some much needed medical attention, but he deeply resented my actions, which further eroded our relationship.
As I approach my one-year anniversary on this forum, I've learned that forcing someone to do something they aren't comfortable doing or don't want to do is wrong. But stating your concerns, taking the time to understand your partner's concerns, and trying to put yourself in your partner's shoes, as Equus explained, is a much healthier, and ultimately a much more successful route to take.
What did I do specifically? I called his doctor, explained his symptoms and my concerns (I suspected he had diabetes), and made an appointment for him without mentioning a word about it to Richard.
Then on the day of his appointment, I drove him to the doctor's office and said, "I've made you a doctor's appointment, you best go inside so you won't be late." The doctor confirmed my suspicions, and Richard got some much needed medical attention, but he deeply resented my actions, which further eroded our relationship.
As I approach my one-year anniversary on this forum, I've learned that forcing someone to do something they aren't comfortable doing or don't want to do is wrong. But stating your concerns, taking the time to understand your partner's concerns, and trying to put yourself in your partner's shoes, as Equus explained, is a much healthier, and ultimately a much more successful route to take.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
When I'm nervous about something I KNOW I have to face, I also know avoiding it isn't logical but I do. Someone telling me that doesn't help because I know already but the fear of going is still bigger than not.
But if someone can help me feel better about going, talk to me, reassure me, etc SOMETIMES that can help.
I now it's hard, I know how hard I found it - hang in there Ngaire!!
But if someone can help me feel better about going, talk to me, reassure me, etc SOMETIMES that can help.
I now it's hard, I know how hard I found it - hang in there Ngaire!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Personally, I would express my concerns once and then leave it up to the person. Well, I have to confess that if it was someone close to me, then it would be more than once, but I would have to be alert to the fact that it would be nagging.
Who am I to tell anyone else what to do anyway?
Who am I to tell anyone else what to do anyway?
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
I'm really liking everyone's responses and input (+ filing it all away for furture reference!)
but THAT (above) really hit home with me. I've been thru some health and mental health issues and with the "big scary" ones, it seriously helped to have someone offer to "hold my hand" - to either just physically help me get there, but also alot of times I've needed the "moral support" of having someone come into the appt. with me.
Either way, just hearing the OFFER often helped ALOT.
Blessings!
Blue
When I'm nervous about something I KNOW I have to face, I also know avoiding it isn't logical but I do. Someone telling me that doesn't help because I know already but the fear of going is still bigger than not.
Either way, just hearing the OFFER often helped ALOT.
Blessings!
Blue
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
With my first husband it was really bad, his eyes were yellow and I knew his liver was giving out so........ when he passed out one night I called for an ambulance and when the medics got there I told them that yes he had been drinking but his eyes were very yellow and in the bright light they could see the yellow tinge on his skin and they hauled him off to the hospital.
Well they got him detoxed and a little bit healthy and of course suggested treatment, even back then in '72, but.........
Yep you guessed it he got out of hospital and went right back to drinking. He did get sober for 1 year when Desert Storm happened as he was given the opportunity to reenlist and he did and went to Edward AFB for a year and did not drink. As soon as he went back into retirement, it took him 5 days to get from Edwards to his home in Stockton.
In March of 1999 he died on the streets of Los Angeles. So, from my own experience all I can suggest is as stated above, voice your love and concern for his health and then retreat. It is up to him to see the doctor or not.
Know that I will add you both to my prayers.
Love and hugs,
Well they got him detoxed and a little bit healthy and of course suggested treatment, even back then in '72, but.........
Yep you guessed it he got out of hospital and went right back to drinking. He did get sober for 1 year when Desert Storm happened as he was given the opportunity to reenlist and he did and went to Edward AFB for a year and did not drink. As soon as he went back into retirement, it took him 5 days to get from Edwards to his home in Stockton.
In March of 1999 he died on the streets of Los Angeles. So, from my own experience all I can suggest is as stated above, voice your love and concern for his health and then retreat. It is up to him to see the doctor or not.
Know that I will add you both to my prayers.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: falls church, va
Posts: 113
I am dealing with this exact thing right now. I can tell you I took the approach of telling my mom that she has some health issues and they are because of her drinking. We need to get her to see a doctor. She said no. This might sound cold but now, I just have to wait till something happens and I have to call 911. There is no way you can force anyone into a doctor's office, treatment, hospital, etc. I thought of doing what FD did, calling a doctor and making an appointment for her, but I know she wouldn't even get in the car with me. She doesn't go anywhere with me so she would know something was up. Right now, I am trying to stay away from the house for as long as possible. I am moving at the end of the month and while I still love the alcoholic in my life (my mom) I can not allow myself to watch her kill herself anymore.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
This isn't truly a health problem, like if he doesn't go to a doctor, he will die or anything, but my H's back is REALLY bothering him. He's always had problems with it, but they have gotten worse this past week. He kept moaning about it and begging me to rub his back. I did for a day, and I told him to make a doctor's appointment. He didn't. When he moaned the next day, I said, there's only one thing you can do, and that's see a doctor. If you don't, that's your problem, but I'm not going to feel sorry for you anymore.
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