What Makes The Relationship Worth It?
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
So do you think those emotions, goals for your future, concern for your child, and questions about your husband's mental and physical health are invalid?
I know you are wondering what you should be thinking about, and I think you are thinking about the right things. The real issue is how you determine whether you are going to be safe. Whether your child will be safe. Whether you will regret a decision to stay. The problems, as I see it, is that nobody--including you, but least of all someone else--is going to be able to know for sure what the answers are.
And I think it's important that you not brush off your concerns as something that's just a product of stress. You have good grounds to be concerned. And sometimes our own worries are NOT imaginary, but something we need to pay attention to.
Regardless of the thought processes someone else goes through, all that really matters is the outcome. Nobody here is able to gauge your husband's commitment to recovery, whether he will stay sober, whether despite sobriety he has abusive tendencies that will show themselves again. Nobody can say whether you and your child will be safe and happy if you stay, or if you go. It's not a matter of hitting on the right formula for analysis.
I know you are wondering what you should be thinking about, and I think you are thinking about the right things. The real issue is how you determine whether you are going to be safe. Whether your child will be safe. Whether you will regret a decision to stay. The problems, as I see it, is that nobody--including you, but least of all someone else--is going to be able to know for sure what the answers are.
And I think it's important that you not brush off your concerns as something that's just a product of stress. You have good grounds to be concerned. And sometimes our own worries are NOT imaginary, but something we need to pay attention to.
Regardless of the thought processes someone else goes through, all that really matters is the outcome. Nobody here is able to gauge your husband's commitment to recovery, whether he will stay sober, whether despite sobriety he has abusive tendencies that will show themselves again. Nobody can say whether you and your child will be safe and happy if you stay, or if you go. It's not a matter of hitting on the right formula for analysis.
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Interesting article I found here on SR. It's surprising that the author
is a professional who deals with addicts.......she met him when
he was in recovery.
3 Rules to Live By If You Have an Addicted Spouse
is a professional who deals with addicts.......she met him when
he was in recovery.
3 Rules to Live By If You Have an Addicted Spouse
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Originally Posted by mylifeismine
Interesting article I found here on SR. It's surprising that the author
is a professional who deals with addicts.......she met him when
he was in recovery.
3 Rules to Live By If You Have an Addicted Spouse
is a professional who deals with addicts.......she met him when
he was in recovery.
3 Rules to Live By If You Have an Addicted Spouse
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
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"Nonetheless, these situations lure the non-addicted spouses to a special kind of opiate—an overbearing amount of hope"
This line caught my attention, which I consider to be the flip
side of denial (hope).......
This line caught my attention, which I consider to be the flip
side of denial (hope).......
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Hope is a tricky one, especially when someone is in active addiction. And I think hope can be a form of denial if you dont look realistically at things and as everyone says acknowledge the possible risks for the future. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.
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"If you want to see some more diverse opinions Sparkle, then you should look at the link I posted above. Its from the Newcomers section....."
Just wondering if you have checked out the Family and Friends of substance
abuse forum? If I understand, alcohol isn't as big of an issue to
you as the cocaine use?
Just wondering if you have checked out the Family and Friends of substance
abuse forum? If I understand, alcohol isn't as big of an issue to
you as the cocaine use?
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The other day I was looking at different sections on this site. I did browse over there. Drugs are an issue because they make him crazy and also they are completely illegal. Alcohol can be just as big an issue in terms of crazy behaviors when abused. The alcohol was actually more obvious than the drug use. Much sloppier in his case and basically disgusting to be around. My worst memories are when he was combining both,
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Your story and that of your husbands and marriage is amazing and interesting. Here are two people who stopped using drugs and alcohol and stayed married and ended up 9 years later with a happy marriage.
I wish there was a time machine and both of you could have answered my question when you were at a much earlier stage say a few weeks, 90 days, 6 months, a year out. That would be even more helpful because there was no track record of success. And I can imagine there were a lot of possible pitfalls.
Most people say the first year is difficult when stopping drugs and alcohol. Im not sure if you both stopped at the same time, or if one of you continued on in the relationship while the other was still actively using. That would be a good point to ask why stay.
Then even assuming you both stopped cold turkey and never slipped up or relapsed, there would have been a lot going on in terms of healing of the brain, physical changes, withdrawals, mood swings, possible depression, frustration, confusion, learning to live life on its own terms without drugs and alcohol, getting to know yourself, your partner as a sober person. People need to learn to be open, honest, trustworthy when sober, accountable for money and all these things. They need to show transparency to each other, and make amends for all that they did while under the influence. Offer forgiveness, and heal from the events in their own way. Then there are other considerations like joint ownership of property, vehicles and insurance, (in case a person relapsed and got a DUI or something) Basically a lot of safe guards you might have to consider to protect yourself - stuff you wouldnt even think about with a non-addict.
All of this can be emotional and stressful for both people in a marriage. Never seen anyone here not have a long list of issues caused by active addiction. It almost always affects the spouse and family. You both accomplished a lot and are a good example for all of us -proving it can work out in a very positive way, marriage intact and healthy.
I guess that is where Im at now.Where you and your husband each would have been when under a year, and not almost 10. I have our past and the present information to examine while projecting into the future.
I dont guess this site was around or you were posting here back then, but it would be cool to take that journey with you.
i realize i never replied to this post. SR has been around a LONG time. if you notice in my username the "II" that is because i was once here as just Anvilhead, having joined sometime around '05? '06? that account no longer exists, thus the reboot.
my recovery story actually starts back in 1987. had to do the math there, 30 years ago. my how time flies. 4-19-87 that was my first day sober, Easter Sunday. even tho my sobriety was not continuous from that day on, that day and date will always remain VERY special to me. i woke up that morning, hungover as hell, with my friend's blood dried on my skirt from our antics the night before - he took a fall, got a head wound, we used my skirt to stop the bleeding. realizing i'd really reached the end of my rope with drinking, i showered and headed directly to the AA hall a couple miles from the house. it was such a relief to walk into that meeting!!! i truly felt SAVED.
AA was my lifeline for a long time. sometimes 3 meetings a day. i had a key to the hall, chaired meetings, bringing my young daughter with her activity bag - she even got to the bang the gavel to start the meeting.
at about 5 years sober my "attention" started to wander, I guess.........my then husband was in NA and i would go to meetings with him, and lost touch with MY base. and by the time 7.5 years rolled around I got to thinking that a drink or two just wouldn't be a bad idea. that would have been '95. another 7 years go by, husband still clean and sober, me still drinking. he knew it, but i did my best to never drink around him, never had obvious booze in the house (i kept the vodka stashed under the sink in "my" bathroom). and it just became glaringly apparent it was time to go. i'd actually been planning on leaving for 7 years. i just waited til our finances were such that he could afford the house on his own, our bills and debts were down, and i wouldn't leave him in a bad spot. pretty responsible little drunk, i was. left him the house and the dogs and moved out Jan '03.
then came hank. then came crack. then 4.5 years later, i quit. hank didn't exactly jump in the QUIT pool with me. and that wasn't pretty. he came 'round on his own. i don't know what his thought process was, never asked. we don't talk about "then". but literally a month after our "full stop" we bought our house. see even while i was being a stupid crackhead, i was also getting our finances in order so that we could buy a house. and we did. in late 2007. hank's had a couple wobbles with coke, but not for a long time now. his birthday bash and someone was "thoughtful" enough to bring some coke. and he did not say no, that kind of thing. but he never let the monster fully back out again. few years ago he went back to his home state for a buddy's wedding and out came the coke and he said no thanks.
anywho, so here we be - well here i be, i am not his spokesperson. going on 10 years now. there were times i had to leave for short periods, when he was being stupid. there were times i thought i might have to leave altogether, because i could not and would not live in active addiction ever again. we have a good life today, but it ain't all unicorns and daisies. it's LIFE. and some days.....oy, i miss having my own small one bedroom apartment, with no husbands, roommates or pets. but there is NO day, no event or trauma that using will EVER be an option. for me. only recovery i have a say in.
I wish there was a time machine and both of you could have answered my question when you were at a much earlier stage say a few weeks, 90 days, 6 months, a year out. That would be even more helpful because there was no track record of success. And I can imagine there were a lot of possible pitfalls.
Most people say the first year is difficult when stopping drugs and alcohol. Im not sure if you both stopped at the same time, or if one of you continued on in the relationship while the other was still actively using. That would be a good point to ask why stay.
Then even assuming you both stopped cold turkey and never slipped up or relapsed, there would have been a lot going on in terms of healing of the brain, physical changes, withdrawals, mood swings, possible depression, frustration, confusion, learning to live life on its own terms without drugs and alcohol, getting to know yourself, your partner as a sober person. People need to learn to be open, honest, trustworthy when sober, accountable for money and all these things. They need to show transparency to each other, and make amends for all that they did while under the influence. Offer forgiveness, and heal from the events in their own way. Then there are other considerations like joint ownership of property, vehicles and insurance, (in case a person relapsed and got a DUI or something) Basically a lot of safe guards you might have to consider to protect yourself - stuff you wouldnt even think about with a non-addict.
All of this can be emotional and stressful for both people in a marriage. Never seen anyone here not have a long list of issues caused by active addiction. It almost always affects the spouse and family. You both accomplished a lot and are a good example for all of us -proving it can work out in a very positive way, marriage intact and healthy.
I guess that is where Im at now.Where you and your husband each would have been when under a year, and not almost 10. I have our past and the present information to examine while projecting into the future.
I dont guess this site was around or you were posting here back then, but it would be cool to take that journey with you.
i realize i never replied to this post. SR has been around a LONG time. if you notice in my username the "II" that is because i was once here as just Anvilhead, having joined sometime around '05? '06? that account no longer exists, thus the reboot.
my recovery story actually starts back in 1987. had to do the math there, 30 years ago. my how time flies. 4-19-87 that was my first day sober, Easter Sunday. even tho my sobriety was not continuous from that day on, that day and date will always remain VERY special to me. i woke up that morning, hungover as hell, with my friend's blood dried on my skirt from our antics the night before - he took a fall, got a head wound, we used my skirt to stop the bleeding. realizing i'd really reached the end of my rope with drinking, i showered and headed directly to the AA hall a couple miles from the house. it was such a relief to walk into that meeting!!! i truly felt SAVED.
AA was my lifeline for a long time. sometimes 3 meetings a day. i had a key to the hall, chaired meetings, bringing my young daughter with her activity bag - she even got to the bang the gavel to start the meeting.
at about 5 years sober my "attention" started to wander, I guess.........my then husband was in NA and i would go to meetings with him, and lost touch with MY base. and by the time 7.5 years rolled around I got to thinking that a drink or two just wouldn't be a bad idea. that would have been '95. another 7 years go by, husband still clean and sober, me still drinking. he knew it, but i did my best to never drink around him, never had obvious booze in the house (i kept the vodka stashed under the sink in "my" bathroom). and it just became glaringly apparent it was time to go. i'd actually been planning on leaving for 7 years. i just waited til our finances were such that he could afford the house on his own, our bills and debts were down, and i wouldn't leave him in a bad spot. pretty responsible little drunk, i was. left him the house and the dogs and moved out Jan '03. then came hank. then came crack. then 4.5 years later, i quit. hank didn't exactly jump in the QUIT pool with me. and that wasn't pretty. he came 'round on his own. i don't know what his thought process was, never asked. we don't talk about "then". but literally a month after our "full stop" we bought our house. see even while i was being a stupid crackhead, i was also getting our finances in order so that we could buy a house. and we did. in late 2007. hank's had a couple wobbles with coke, but not for a long time now. his birthday bash and someone was "thoughtful" enough to bring some coke. and he did not say no, that kind of thing. but he never let the monster fully back out again. few years ago he went back to his home state for a buddy's wedding and out came the coke and he said no thanks.
anywho, so here we be - well here i be, i am not his spokesperson. going on 10 years now. there were times i had to leave for short periods, when he was being stupid. there were times i thought i might have to leave altogether, because i could not and would not live in active addiction ever again. we have a good life today, but it ain't all unicorns and daisies. it's LIFE. and some days.....oy, i miss having my own small one bedroom apartment, with no husbands, roommates or pets. but there is NO day, no event or trauma that using will EVER be an option. for me. only recovery i have a say in.
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?
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I think what Anvil and I are both saying is that neither of us was taking a huge risk by staying with our partners. The risks were acceptable, within the range of what we could handle.
Here's what I mean. There are some bad things that are more likely to happen than others and there are some bad things that are worse than others, right? A high risk of a low-harm outcome may be acceptable; a high risk of a significant-harm outcome, not. In fact, a high risk of a low-harm outcome is much more acceptable to most people than a much lower risk of a significant-harm outcome.
Here's what I mean. There are some bad things that are more likely to happen than others and there are some bad things that are worse than others, right? A high risk of a low-harm outcome may be acceptable; a high risk of a significant-harm outcome, not. In fact, a high risk of a low-harm outcome is much more acceptable to most people than a much lower risk of a significant-harm outcome.
Note... my deal may be different then these cases because mine has still never admitted there's a problem. Maybe you all are living a whole different level... AFTER he admits and then when trying to stay sober?
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I see. Thank u.
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
HBT, there's an extensive back story here and SparkleKitty is right, your situation isn't the same.
Alicia, hope you and the baby are doing well.
Alicia, hope you and the baby are doing well.
So what I take from this is... even if I stayed, and even if he called today and offered to get help, there is still a long long long road ahead of the same stuff, and more new stuff too.
Gosh. I love you all as human beings. Children of God. I'm sorry anyone in the world is going through this kind of pain. This much pain. And so much pain So sorry. xo
Last edited by Hitbytrain; 05-28-2017 at 10:00 AM. Reason: Typo
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Originally Posted by Hitbytrain
Thank you. I feel like a child learning an entirely new world and all that it contains.
So what I take from this is... even if I stayed, and even if he called today and offered to get help, there is still a long long long road ahead of the same stuff, and more new stuff too.
Gosh. I love you all as human beings. Children of God. I'm sorry anyone in the world is going through this kind of pain. This much pain. And so much pain So sorry. xo
So what I take from this is... even if I stayed, and even if he called today and offered to get help, there is still a long long long road ahead of the same stuff, and more new stuff too.
Gosh. I love you all as human beings. Children of God. I'm sorry anyone in the world is going through this kind of pain. This much pain. And so much pain So sorry. xo
I dont have much time right now but wanted to say hello and make a quick comment on this:
even if I stayed, and even if he called today and offered to get help, there is still a long long long road ahead of the same stuff, and more new stuff too.
Addiction causes a set of symptoms and its common for most people who are afflicted. You will see things like lying, unreliability in various things, manipulation so they can deny there is a problem, or to cover poor performance, keep people quiet so they stop bothering them. Those are a few.
Some of these things go away because they are symptoms. It can take some work because depending on the length of time addiction has gone on, many of these things become ingrained behaviors. People may even need help to change.
But then you get into other things that are not so much related to the addiction or its symptoms. Personality disorders, narcissism, mental health issues,abusive behaviors, unresolved trauma and pain which has manifested in various ways, learnt behavior from childhood or environment. Again just to name a few. Some of these things can be overcome with acknowledgement, or professional help, but sometimes people are totally unaware or are happy with the way they are. They wont ever seek to self improve.
So if you look at your ex, and can think with emotion aside. Its good to be realistic in what behaviors and patterns exist in him. Alcohol may aggravate some things, but what would be there even if that was removed?
Could he be the partner you want? Contribute to the relationship in a way that would satisfy your needs? Will he be supportive of you as an individual ? Will he be thoughtful, kind, rational (although we all have bad days, you know what I mean). I think you called your ex a narcissist, manipulative, abusive. Would he still be these things?
That was sort of the core of my initial thread here. My husband was using drugs and drinking. It hasnt been consistent through his life but has happened a few times. He acted crazy and was abusive to me on a couple of occasions last year before he stopped. That is why people have been discussing risk factors of both relapse back to substances, or dangerous behaviors,
Its all a lot to think about isnt it? I feel the same way. But happy you are here, and just so you know even though you said your new to learning, please continue to post, share your thoughts and feelings, ask questions or give input because I find much to absorb from everyone who posts.
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Tears
Originally Posted by aliciagr
Welcome Hitbytrain,
I dont have much time right now but wanted to say hello and make a quick comment on this:
I looked at your original post explaining your situation just now, and yes I think what you would have to think about is how many of his personality traits, behavioral issues are related to drinking and what is part of his overall design.
Addiction causes a set of symptoms and its common for most people who are afflicted. You will see things like lying, unreliability in various things, manipulation so they can deny there is a problem, or to cover poor performance, keep people quiet so they stop bothering them. Those are a few.
Some of these things go away because they are symptoms. It can take some work because depending on the length of time addiction has gone on, many of these things become ingrained behaviors. People may even need help to change.
But then you get into other things that are not so much related to the addiction or its symptoms. Personality disorders, narcissism, mental health issues,abusive behaviors, unresolved trauma and pain which has manifested in various ways, learnt behavior from childhood or environment. Again just to name a few. Some of these things can be overcome with acknowledgement, or professional help, but sometimes people are totally unaware or are happy with the way they are. They wont ever seek to self improve.
So if you look at your ex, and can think with emotion aside. Its good to be realistic in what behaviors and patterns exist in him. Alcohol may aggravate some things, but what would be there even if that was removed?
Could he be the partner you want? Contribute to the relationship in a way that would satisfy your needs? Will he be supportive of you as an individual ? Will he be thoughtful, kind, rational (although we all have bad days, you know what I mean). I think you called your ex a narcissist, manipulative, abusive. Would he still be these things?
That was sort of the core of my initial thread here. My husband was using drugs and drinking. It hasnt been consistent through his life but has happened a few times. He acted crazy and was abusive to me on a couple of occasions last year before he stopped. That is why people have been discussing risk factors of both relapse back to substances, or dangerous behaviors,
Its all a lot to think about isnt it? I feel the same way. But happy you are here, and just so you know even though you said your new to learning, please continue to post, share your thoughts and feelings, ask questions or give input because I find much to absorb from everyone who posts.
I dont have much time right now but wanted to say hello and make a quick comment on this:
I looked at your original post explaining your situation just now, and yes I think what you would have to think about is how many of his personality traits, behavioral issues are related to drinking and what is part of his overall design.
Addiction causes a set of symptoms and its common for most people who are afflicted. You will see things like lying, unreliability in various things, manipulation so they can deny there is a problem, or to cover poor performance, keep people quiet so they stop bothering them. Those are a few.
Some of these things go away because they are symptoms. It can take some work because depending on the length of time addiction has gone on, many of these things become ingrained behaviors. People may even need help to change.
But then you get into other things that are not so much related to the addiction or its symptoms. Personality disorders, narcissism, mental health issues,abusive behaviors, unresolved trauma and pain which has manifested in various ways, learnt behavior from childhood or environment. Again just to name a few. Some of these things can be overcome with acknowledgement, or professional help, but sometimes people are totally unaware or are happy with the way they are. They wont ever seek to self improve.
So if you look at your ex, and can think with emotion aside. Its good to be realistic in what behaviors and patterns exist in him. Alcohol may aggravate some things, but what would be there even if that was removed?
Could he be the partner you want? Contribute to the relationship in a way that would satisfy your needs? Will he be supportive of you as an individual ? Will he be thoughtful, kind, rational (although we all have bad days, you know what I mean). I think you called your ex a narcissist, manipulative, abusive. Would he still be these things?
That was sort of the core of my initial thread here. My husband was using drugs and drinking. It hasnt been consistent through his life but has happened a few times. He acted crazy and was abusive to me on a couple of occasions last year before he stopped. That is why people have been discussing risk factors of both relapse back to substances, or dangerous behaviors,
Its all a lot to think about isnt it? I feel the same way. But happy you are here, and just so you know even though you said your new to learning, please continue to post, share your thoughts and feelings, ask questions or give input because I find much to absorb from everyone who posts.
It's so much! So much. OMG it's so much. And you folks have so much history with these people, and marriages and homes in mortgages and bank accounts and children etc. I couldn't even imagine. So many people suffering in this world I never knew existed.
I just had a thought before checking my phone again… And it made me super sad, because of my age I'm panicking, so for some reason my brain just flooded with all of the ways I was convinced he was good for me. And I told myself none of it was real, and then I told myself no - the good things could have still been real too, just because there was bad doesn't mean that the real experiences is weren't real. and this went on for a good 30 minute while I stayed home alone in my apartment, on the holiday, and tortured myself over what's real and what's not real, over how much there was good and how much there was bad. All while he is at the beach on his boat with his children and his family having a blast. I'm stuck home with my cats eating leftovers. Trying to figure HIM out.
I May have not lost a lot of years in a relationship with him, but I'm 45, I lost a lot of years not being in a relationship and waiting for what I thought was him or someone like him in my mind, with an entire checklist of attributes. And I never found it. And then he showed up and he filled the whole list. And I thought that was it. And that was done looking. No I'm suffering because I realize that not only has no one ever filled that list, but now I see that even he didn't, even though it seemed that way for a while. Anti-climactic. Extremely disappointing. Because I have to wonder if I'll ever find anyone with those things at this point.
Thank you for sharing. And I'm sorry that someone put their hands on you, if that's what you're saying. That's unacceptable to me. Good luck with everything. And love yourself.
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thing is......no one else CAN fill us up.....that line from the movie "you can complete me" only works in fiction. at best we find someone who enhances who we already ARE. if we aren't ok alone, we'll never be ok with anyone else.
kinda like peanut butter and jelly......each are perfectly fine alone - anyone who has ever stood there with a spoon in one hand and a bottle of Jiff in the other knows what i mean. put 'em together and they make a fine sandwich.....sometimes it's a mix of creamy PB and grape jelly - sometimes it's crunchy and strawberry jam. sometimes with toasted bread. there is no one PERFECT blend.....and each ingredient brings its own flavor and texture to the mix.
kinda like peanut butter and jelly......each are perfectly fine alone - anyone who has ever stood there with a spoon in one hand and a bottle of Jiff in the other knows what i mean. put 'em together and they make a fine sandwich.....sometimes it's a mix of creamy PB and grape jelly - sometimes it's crunchy and strawberry jam. sometimes with toasted bread. there is no one PERFECT blend.....and each ingredient brings its own flavor and texture to the mix.
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Originally Posted by Hitbytrain
Sobbing. Thank you deeply for this post. Not sure why but it made me cry. The ugly kind. Lol
It's so much! So much. OMG it's so much. And you folks have so much history with these people, and marriages and homes in mortgages and bank accounts and children etc. I couldn't even imagine. So many people suffering in this world I never knew existed.
I just had a thought before checking my phone again… And it made me super sad, because of my age I'm panicking, so for some reason my brain just flooded with all of the ways I was convinced he was good for me. And I told myself none of it was real, and then I told myself no - the good things could have still been real too, just because there was bad doesn't mean that the real experiences is weren't real. and this went on for a good 30 minute while I stayed home alone in my apartment, on the holiday, and tortured myself over what's real and what's not real, over how much there was good and how much there was bad. All while he is at the beach on his boat with his children and his family having a blast. I'm stuck home with my cats eating leftovers. Trying to figure HIM out.
I May have not lost a lot of years in a relationship with him, but I'm 45, I lost a lot of years not being in a relationship and waiting for what I thought was him or someone like him in my mind, with an entire checklist of attributes. And I never found it. And then he showed up and he filled the whole list. And I thought that was it. And that was done looking. No I'm suffering because I realize that not only has no one ever filled that list, but now I see that even he didn't, even though it seemed that way for a while. Anti-climactic. Extremely disappointing. Because I have to wonder if I'll ever find anyone with those things at this point.
Thank you for sharing. And I'm sorry that someone put their hands on you, if that's what you're saying. That's unacceptable to me. Good luck with everything. And love yourself.
It's so much! So much. OMG it's so much. And you folks have so much history with these people, and marriages and homes in mortgages and bank accounts and children etc. I couldn't even imagine. So many people suffering in this world I never knew existed.
I just had a thought before checking my phone again… And it made me super sad, because of my age I'm panicking, so for some reason my brain just flooded with all of the ways I was convinced he was good for me. And I told myself none of it was real, and then I told myself no - the good things could have still been real too, just because there was bad doesn't mean that the real experiences is weren't real. and this went on for a good 30 minute while I stayed home alone in my apartment, on the holiday, and tortured myself over what's real and what's not real, over how much there was good and how much there was bad. All while he is at the beach on his boat with his children and his family having a blast. I'm stuck home with my cats eating leftovers. Trying to figure HIM out.
I May have not lost a lot of years in a relationship with him, but I'm 45, I lost a lot of years not being in a relationship and waiting for what I thought was him or someone like him in my mind, with an entire checklist of attributes. And I never found it. And then he showed up and he filled the whole list. And I thought that was it. And that was done looking. No I'm suffering because I realize that not only has no one ever filled that list, but now I see that even he didn't, even though it seemed that way for a while. Anti-climactic. Extremely disappointing. Because I have to wonder if I'll ever find anyone with those things at this point.
Thank you for sharing. And I'm sorry that someone put their hands on you, if that's what you're saying. That's unacceptable to me. Good luck with everything. And love yourself.
There are some helpful post on pages 1 and 2 of this thread written by Puzzledheart and Firesprite where they talk about their own relationship deal breakers. Ive been writing out my own list, and also asking myself why these things are important to me.
I think another important part of a relationship is how it impacts us as individuals. Have I been happy, sad, confused, trying to adapt to make it work, straying from my own beliefs and values, lowering my expectations, allowing someone to cross my personal boundaries.
Often examining the end of a relationship can lead us right back to looking at ourselves. We can choose to be a victim, or own our part. I know I have the responsibility to take care of myself, stay true to who I am. I can learn to better understand my own motivations and emotional needs, I can examine why I did what I did and what was going on inside me in terms of thoughts, feelings, needs. I can become the best version of me, and I think being confident in that way will help attract the right kinds of friends and love interests into my life.
My husband and I are working on things. We went through a rough time last year. I have said a few times it felt like I was taken off by aliens and it was a very bad trip. Now Ive been dropped back down to Earth and Im finding my way out of the daze.
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Join Date: May 2017
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Thank u
Originally Posted by aliciagr
There was probably both good and bad in your relationship. I know when I went through break ups in the past, there was a stage of grieving for both the loss of the person, the good times, the familiarity, the dreams I was building as things progressed. Then there is an acknowledgment of the parts that were not good, and acceptance of why it needed to end.
There are some helpful post on pages 1 and 2 of this thread written by Puzzledheart and Firesprite where they talk about their own relationship deal breakers. Ive been writing out my own list, and also asking myself why these things are important to me.
I think another important part of a relationship is how it impacts us as individuals. Have I been happy, sad, confused, trying to adapt to make it work, straying from my own beliefs and values, lowering my expectations, allowing someone to cross my personal boundaries.
Often examining the end of a relationship can lead us right back to looking at ourselves. We can choose to be a victim, or own our part. I know I have the responsibility to take care of myself, stay true to who I am. I can learn to better understand my own motivations and emotional needs, I can examine why I did what I did and what was going on inside me in terms of thoughts, feelings, needs. I can become the best version of me, and I think being confident in that way will help attract the right kinds of friends and love interests into my life.
My husband and I are working on things. We went through a rough time last year. I have said a few times it felt like I was taken off by aliens and it was a very bad trip. Now Ive been dropped back down to Earth and Im finding my way out of the daze.
There are some helpful post on pages 1 and 2 of this thread written by Puzzledheart and Firesprite where they talk about their own relationship deal breakers. Ive been writing out my own list, and also asking myself why these things are important to me.
I think another important part of a relationship is how it impacts us as individuals. Have I been happy, sad, confused, trying to adapt to make it work, straying from my own beliefs and values, lowering my expectations, allowing someone to cross my personal boundaries.
Often examining the end of a relationship can lead us right back to looking at ourselves. We can choose to be a victim, or own our part. I know I have the responsibility to take care of myself, stay true to who I am. I can learn to better understand my own motivations and emotional needs, I can examine why I did what I did and what was going on inside me in terms of thoughts, feelings, needs. I can become the best version of me, and I think being confident in that way will help attract the right kinds of friends and love interests into my life.
My husband and I are working on things. We went through a rough time last year. I have said a few times it felt like I was taken off by aliens and it was a very bad trip. Now Ive been dropped back down to Earth and Im finding my way out of the daze.
Thank you. Stay clear. Be honest with people. And take care of you and baby. And a special thanks for taking time out with all of the serious things you have going on just to encourage me. I really appreciate it.
My deal seems small compared the stuff ya'll are facing. I love learning. Thanks again.
And that deal breaker list is a great idea. I realized in the last few days that if I was to be truly honest… painstakingly honest... He crossed one my lines line and showed me a red flag on our very first date. Yep.
If that had been any other man besides him sitting across from me, I would've never gone on a second date. True story. I made excuses all the way back then, on that very first date. He had six beers and three vodka drinks at dinner. I chalked it up as he's nervous, he just had a long day of work, he's partying and enjoying himself, he's excited to see me after all these years, and we're watching a football game, etc.... so I played it off.
But before him, any other guy, I would've never called back and never told him why. Because I don't get drunk and I don't like it. I will have one cocktail, sometimes.
But because it was my Jimmy, my dream guy since childhood, I think I gave myself permission right from the outset to move forward anyway. And that's my fault.
I guess each time you guys who are in it a lot deeper than I separate from your person, you have that same new chance again that I ignored on my first date seven months ago. Perhaps. Especially if you redefine your boundaries for TODAY and stick to them.
Maybe our deal breakers don't have to change even though they've already broken them. We can reset our expectations at any time. It's our life. It's your life.
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