dandylion

Jemma.....I suggest that you take extra precautions during this time....
This is the most dangerous time in a relationship where there is abuse....
Or even when there hasn't been any abuse...a person who feels that they are losing control can be very dangerous.
He has shown that he doesn't mind hurting you....the blanket thing and hurting your finger proves that!!!

dandylion

LexieCat

Get the protective order. It will require him to leave NOW. Destroying cherished belongings is abuse. This sounds like it's escalating. I've worked in the DV field for a very long time and it sounds to me like you are NOT SAFE.

Autumnlover19

I can't get the PPO until Monday, the courthouse isn't open til then. But I will be safe until then. I will ask a friend or officer to escort me to my house if I need to go there.

LexieCat

I'd call the police department and see whether you can't get one on the weekend. In my jurisdiction (and many others), the police are required to assist you in obtaining a temporary order after hours through an on-call judge.

It's possible there are some places where that doesn't apply, but it's worth finding out. You can also call your local women's shelter and talk to an advocate about your right to an order and also for assistance with safety planning.

Autumnlover19

I did call the police again after your first post LexieCat and that is what they said...that I had to wait until Monday, which I thought was pretty dangerous myself.

I do know of a local women's shelter, but strange they didn't even give me their number. The officers did seem concerned for my safety.

I do not plan on returning home alone until the PPO is in place. Thanks for your help.

maia1234

Jemma,
Stay safe. Do not go to the house alone. Stay with another person as much as possible. He might be stalking you.

Good luck on Monday!! ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Autumnlover19

Thank you. I will. I'll keep you all updated.

Bekindalways

Stay safe, stay sober and do something fun with your kid!!

Autumnlover19

I am, Bekindalways. In the past, yesterday's situation is something that would drive me to drink. Not anymore. Now it drives me even more in my sobriety

My son and I are spending time at the beach. He loves it!

Bekindalways

I hadn't thought about it that way but now that you mention it, I can see that you are watching a reality in which you could play a different role.

I raise a glass of sparkling water with a twist of lime in toast to your courage and actions!

TimeForMe

Jemma - I'm so sorry you're going through this.

ladyscribbler said it best (this was today's punch in the gut for me): "Playing nice with this man is not going to cause him to suddenly become a reasonable and rational human being or have an epiphany about how poorly he is treating you and your child. Many of us here have tried to take the route of appeasement. Not one has met with success. "

Amen, amen, amen!! Sending you hugs.

Autumnlover19

^ exactly. See where playing nice gets you? Nowhere. Thanks for the hugs.

gleefan

Amazing job staying focused on your welfare and sobriety!!!!

Hawkeye13

Thinking of you Jemma--please take care and keep being strong

Autumnlover19

Update: I did not get the PPO...yet. I am sticking to the eviction date of June 1. I have been communicating with AXBF's mother, who as I mentioned earlier, is an enabler but is also good to me and is a good person overall.

I didn't get the PPO for a few reasons mainly because I simply didn't have time Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. I work 10 HR shifts and was in no mood to explain to my bosses what is going on or ask for special favors as we are short-staffed this week as well. Also, I have counseling this evening and would like to discuss this with her before I make this decision.

According to AXBF's mother, he went to counseling Monday and is sounding rational, has spent a lot of time with his family since Saturday and has been talking about peacefully moving forward and has active leads for housing and is packing. These are all good things.

I am still staying with my parents for the time being and AXBF and I are splitting the time with our child. We are communicating via text with yes or no answers and picking up and dropping off the baby via day care or grandma. AXBF's mother says he is sober.

Thank you for all your ES&H. If I feel threatened I will not hesitate to get the PPO, and his mother is aware of this.

Xoxox

LexieCat

I think I'd feel better about it if your jurisdiction had provisions for after-hours orders. If, after discussing it with your counselor, you think an order would be a good idea, then make the necessary arrangements to go to court. Look at it this way. If you don't get the order, and he continues to harass, threaten, and assault you, you are likely to wind up missing MORE time from work.

Please be careful and stay safe. The fact that he is not currently drinking and seems "rational" doesn't mean he won't become violent.

ladyscribbler

Be wary of anything his mother tells you, as much as she seem like an ally right now. My ex's mom actively lied to me on several occasions regarding his drinking, even though she was the first in line to point a finger and say what a terrible problem he had with alcohol. Once she even helped him cover up an alcohol-related arrest so that I would return after a "temporary" separation where he was supposed to be getting help for his drinking.
Fear ruled her life, fear that she would be stuck taking care of her son since I wasn't there to do it anymore, fear that she wouldn't get to see our son if I left for good.
The day I told her I was leaving, she went down to the police station and filed a report saying that I choked her and tried to push her down a flight of stairs while she was holding our son.
I'm not the only one who experienced the nicey nice act only to have it turn ugly once an enabling mom realized the partner were serious about leaving. Tread cautiously around his family, even if they seem to be on your side right now.

atalose

From everything you have shared it sounds like he may have gotten a hold of the pill issue for now. And I don’t mean he’s stopped, I mean he’s controlling the intake just enough to appear “sober” or rational as his mother puts it. Now giving it’s the weekend and for many a long weekend, that may all change.

It’s wise you are staying with your parents until he moves out and then you can change the locks ASAP.

I would think that if you truly felt threatened by him you certainly would have taken the time along with any embarrassment with your boss to do what needed to be done to protect yourself. None of us ever thinks they are going to really harm us, until they actually do. It’s a big risk and a big gamble we take with our lives by putting that kind of trust into someone who is always under the influence of something at any given time.

I’m guessing that with him hurting your finger and your reluctance to file a PPO the police did not pursue it further but all PD’s have a 24 hour way of obtaining an emergency protective order so just because you didn’t get one before doesn’t mean you can’t at any given time, don’t forget that.

Autumnlover19

Very good advice. Thank you, all. I don't feel his mother is on my side. I have my guard up and am looking out for me and my son. I also agree that I'm sure there must be 24 hr PPO available. I think the officer I spoke to last Saturday was being lazy or something. Also, I don't think I mentioned the hurt finger because I don't think I realized it was hurt until a bit later. I was full of adrenaline and shaking from the scuffle when the officer arrived. And AXBF had fled.

As the day wore on, I realized my finger was swollen and bruised at the knuckle where I had broken it before in high school. I took pictures but did not get it checked out. It is fine now.

LexieCat

Call the shelter and talk to an advocate. They know all the ins and outs of applying for an order. Explain all your concerns, including missing work to go to court and file. It never hurts to have good information.