The Language of Letting Go, Part 1
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August 22
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Responsibility for Family Members
I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
--Anonymous
For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.
We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.
Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.
We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.
Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.
Today I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Responsibility for Family Members
I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
--Anonymous
For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.
We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.
Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.
We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.
Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.
Today I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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August 23
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Self Care
When will we become lovable? When will we feel safe? When will we get all the protection, nurturing, and love we so richly deserve? We will get it when we begin giving it to ourselves.
--Beyond Codependency
The idea of giving ourselves what we want and need can be confusing, especially if we have spent many years not knowing that it's okay to take care of ourselves. Taking our energy and focus off others and their responsibilities and placing that energy on to our responsibilities and ourselves is a recovery behavior that can be acquired. We learn it by daily practice.
We begin by relaxing, by breathing deeply, and letting go of our fears enough to feel as peaceful as we can. Then we ask ourselves: What do I need to do to take care of myself today, or for this moment?
What do I need and want to do?
What would demonstrate love and self-responsibility?
Am I caught up in the belief that others are responsible for making me happy, responsible for me? Then the first thing I need to do is correct my belief system. I am responsible for myself.
Do I feel anxious and concerned about a responsibility I've been neglecting? Then perhaps I need to let go of my fears and tend to that responsibility.
Do I feel overwhelmed, out of control? Maybe I need to journey back to the first of the Twelve Steps.
Have I been working too hard? Maybe what I need to do is take some time off and do something fun.
Have I been neglecting my work on daily tasks? Then maybe what I need to do is get back to my routine.
There is no recipe, no formula, no guidebook for self care. We each have a guide, and that guide is within us. We need to ask the question: What do I need to do to take loving, responsible care of myself? Then we need to listen to the answer. Self-care is not that difficult. The most challenging part is trusting the answer and having the courage to follow through once we hear it.
Today I will focus on taking care of myself. I will trust myself and my Higher Power to guide me in this process.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Self Care
When will we become lovable? When will we feel safe? When will we get all the protection, nurturing, and love we so richly deserve? We will get it when we begin giving it to ourselves.
--Beyond Codependency
The idea of giving ourselves what we want and need can be confusing, especially if we have spent many years not knowing that it's okay to take care of ourselves. Taking our energy and focus off others and their responsibilities and placing that energy on to our responsibilities and ourselves is a recovery behavior that can be acquired. We learn it by daily practice.
We begin by relaxing, by breathing deeply, and letting go of our fears enough to feel as peaceful as we can. Then we ask ourselves: What do I need to do to take care of myself today, or for this moment?
What do I need and want to do?
What would demonstrate love and self-responsibility?
Am I caught up in the belief that others are responsible for making me happy, responsible for me? Then the first thing I need to do is correct my belief system. I am responsible for myself.
Do I feel anxious and concerned about a responsibility I've been neglecting? Then perhaps I need to let go of my fears and tend to that responsibility.
Do I feel overwhelmed, out of control? Maybe I need to journey back to the first of the Twelve Steps.
Have I been working too hard? Maybe what I need to do is take some time off and do something fun.
Have I been neglecting my work on daily tasks? Then maybe what I need to do is get back to my routine.
There is no recipe, no formula, no guidebook for self care. We each have a guide, and that guide is within us. We need to ask the question: What do I need to do to take loving, responsible care of myself? Then we need to listen to the answer. Self-care is not that difficult. The most challenging part is trusting the answer and having the courage to follow through once we hear it.
Today I will focus on taking care of myself. I will trust myself and my Higher Power to guide me in this process.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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August 24
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Step Eight
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
--Step Eight of Al Anon
The Eighth Step is not meant to punish us; it is meant to set us free from guilt, anxiety, and discord.
We begin by making a list of everyone we have harmed on our journey as we have struggled to survive. We have probably done more damage to ourselves than to anyone else, so we put ourselves first on the list.
Often our tendency is to feel guilty about everything we've ever done, everyone we've come in contact with. That is unearned guilt. Writing helps us clarify whether or not we are punishing ourselves for no reason. But we need to be open to guidance as we work this Step, getting everything out of us and on to paper, so we can be healed.
Once we have made the list, we strive to become willing to make amends to everyone on it because that is how we heal. Making amends does not mean feeling guilty and ashamed and punishing ourselves; it means swallowing our pride and defenses, and doing what we can to take care of ourselves. We become ready to improve our self-esteem by taking responsibility for our behaviors. We become willing to have our relationships with ourselves, others, and our Higher Power restored.
Today I will open myself to an honest understanding of the people I have harmed. Higher Power, help me let go of my defenses and pride. Help me become willing to make amends to those I have harmed so that I can improve my relationships with others and myself.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Step Eight
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
--Step Eight of Al Anon
The Eighth Step is not meant to punish us; it is meant to set us free from guilt, anxiety, and discord.
We begin by making a list of everyone we have harmed on our journey as we have struggled to survive. We have probably done more damage to ourselves than to anyone else, so we put ourselves first on the list.
Often our tendency is to feel guilty about everything we've ever done, everyone we've come in contact with. That is unearned guilt. Writing helps us clarify whether or not we are punishing ourselves for no reason. But we need to be open to guidance as we work this Step, getting everything out of us and on to paper, so we can be healed.
Once we have made the list, we strive to become willing to make amends to everyone on it because that is how we heal. Making amends does not mean feeling guilty and ashamed and punishing ourselves; it means swallowing our pride and defenses, and doing what we can to take care of ourselves. We become ready to improve our self-esteem by taking responsibility for our behaviors. We become willing to have our relationships with ourselves, others, and our Higher Power restored.
Today I will open myself to an honest understanding of the people I have harmed. Higher Power, help me let go of my defenses and pride. Help me become willing to make amends to those I have harmed so that I can improve my relationships with others and myself.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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August 25
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Willing to Make Amends
The Eighth Step is talking about a change of heart, a healing change.
This attitude can begin a great chain of repair and healing in our relationships with others and ourselves. It means we become willing to let go of our hardheartedness, one of the greatest blocks to our ability to give and receive love.
In the Eighth Step, we make a list of all people we have harmed, and we allow ourselves to experience a healing attitude toward them. It is an attitude of love.
We do not, in this Step, dash madly about and begin yelling, "Sorry!" We make our list not to feel guilty but to facilitate healing. Before we actually make amends or begin to consider appropriate amends, we allow ourselves to change our attitude. That is where healing begins - within us.
It can change the energy. It can change the dynamics. It can begin the process before we ever open our mouths and say sorry.
It opens the door to love. It opens the door to the energy of love and healing. It enables us to release negative feelings and energy and opens the door to positive feelings and energy.
That energy can be felt around the world and it starts inside us.
How often have we, after we have been hurt, wished that the person would simply recognize our pain and say, "I'm sorry?" How often have we wished that the person would simply see us, hear us, and turn the energy of love our way? How often have we longed for at least a change of heart, a small dose of reconciliation, in relationships tainted by unfinished business and bad feelings? Often.
Others do too. It is no secret. The energy of healing begins with us. Our willingness to make amends may or may not benefit the other person; he or she may or may not be willing to put matters to rest.
But we become healed. We become capable of love.
Today I will work on a change of heart if hardheartedness, defensiveness, guilt, or bitterness are present. I will become willing to let go of those feelings and have them replaced by the healing energy of love.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Willing to Make Amends
The Eighth Step is talking about a change of heart, a healing change.
This attitude can begin a great chain of repair and healing in our relationships with others and ourselves. It means we become willing to let go of our hardheartedness, one of the greatest blocks to our ability to give and receive love.
In the Eighth Step, we make a list of all people we have harmed, and we allow ourselves to experience a healing attitude toward them. It is an attitude of love.
We do not, in this Step, dash madly about and begin yelling, "Sorry!" We make our list not to feel guilty but to facilitate healing. Before we actually make amends or begin to consider appropriate amends, we allow ourselves to change our attitude. That is where healing begins - within us.
It can change the energy. It can change the dynamics. It can begin the process before we ever open our mouths and say sorry.
It opens the door to love. It opens the door to the energy of love and healing. It enables us to release negative feelings and energy and opens the door to positive feelings and energy.
That energy can be felt around the world and it starts inside us.
How often have we, after we have been hurt, wished that the person would simply recognize our pain and say, "I'm sorry?" How often have we wished that the person would simply see us, hear us, and turn the energy of love our way? How often have we longed for at least a change of heart, a small dose of reconciliation, in relationships tainted by unfinished business and bad feelings? Often.
Others do too. It is no secret. The energy of healing begins with us. Our willingness to make amends may or may not benefit the other person; he or she may or may not be willing to put matters to rest.
But we become healed. We become capable of love.
Today I will work on a change of heart if hardheartedness, defensiveness, guilt, or bitterness are present. I will become willing to let go of those feelings and have them replaced by the healing energy of love.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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August 26
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Making Amends
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
--Step Nine of Al-Anon
When we make amends, we need to be clear about what we're apologizing for and the best way to say we're sorry. What we are really doing with our amends is taking responsibility for our behavior. We need to be sure that the process itself will not be self-defeating or hurtful.
Sometimes we need to directly apologize for a particular thing we have done or our part in a problem.
Other times, instead of saying "I'm sorry," what we need to do is work on changing our behavior with a person.
There are times when bringing up what we have done and apologizing for it will make matters worse.
We need to trust timing, intuition, and guidance in this process of making amends. Once we become willing, we can let go and tackle our amends in a peaceful, consistent, harmonious way. If nothing feels right or appropriate, if it feels as if what we are about to do will cause a crisis or havoc, we need to trust that feeling.
Attitude, honesty, openness, and willingness count here. In peace and harmony, we can strive to clear up our relationships.
We deserve to be at peace with others and ourselves.
Today I will be open to making any amends I need to make with people. I will wait for Divine Guidance in the process of making any amends that are not clear to me. I will act when led. Higher Power, help me let go of my fear about facing people and taking responsibility for my behaviors. Help me know I am not diminishing my self-esteem by doing this; I am improving it.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Making Amends
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
--Step Nine of Al-Anon
When we make amends, we need to be clear about what we're apologizing for and the best way to say we're sorry. What we are really doing with our amends is taking responsibility for our behavior. We need to be sure that the process itself will not be self-defeating or hurtful.
Sometimes we need to directly apologize for a particular thing we have done or our part in a problem.
Other times, instead of saying "I'm sorry," what we need to do is work on changing our behavior with a person.
There are times when bringing up what we have done and apologizing for it will make matters worse.
We need to trust timing, intuition, and guidance in this process of making amends. Once we become willing, we can let go and tackle our amends in a peaceful, consistent, harmonious way. If nothing feels right or appropriate, if it feels as if what we are about to do will cause a crisis or havoc, we need to trust that feeling.
Attitude, honesty, openness, and willingness count here. In peace and harmony, we can strive to clear up our relationships.
We deserve to be at peace with others and ourselves.
Today I will be open to making any amends I need to make with people. I will wait for Divine Guidance in the process of making any amends that are not clear to me. I will act when led. Higher Power, help me let go of my fear about facing people and taking responsibility for my behaviors. Help me know I am not diminishing my self-esteem by doing this; I am improving it.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
August 27
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Procrastination
Procrastination - not acting when the time is right - is a self-defeating behavior. It produces anxiety, guilt, disharmony, and a nagging consciousness of the task that life is telling us it's time to do.
We are not always procrastinating when we put off doing something. Sometimes doing a thing before the time is right can be as self-defeating as waiting too long.
We can learn to discern the difference. Listen to yourself. Listen to the Universe. What is past due and creating anxiety and prodding within you?
Is there something in your life you are avoiding because you don't want to face it? Is there a building anxiety from putting this off?
Sometimes anger, fear, or feeling helpless can motivate procrastination. Sometimes procrastination has simply become habitual.
Trust and listen to yourself, your Higher Power, and the Universe. Watch for signs and signals. If it is time to do something, do it now. If it is not yet time, wait until the time is right.
Higher Power, help me learn to be on time and in harmony with my life. Help me tune in to and trust Divine Timing and Order.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Procrastination
Procrastination - not acting when the time is right - is a self-defeating behavior. It produces anxiety, guilt, disharmony, and a nagging consciousness of the task that life is telling us it's time to do.
We are not always procrastinating when we put off doing something. Sometimes doing a thing before the time is right can be as self-defeating as waiting too long.
We can learn to discern the difference. Listen to yourself. Listen to the Universe. What is past due and creating anxiety and prodding within you?
Is there something in your life you are avoiding because you don't want to face it? Is there a building anxiety from putting this off?
Sometimes anger, fear, or feeling helpless can motivate procrastination. Sometimes procrastination has simply become habitual.
Trust and listen to yourself, your Higher Power, and the Universe. Watch for signs and signals. If it is time to do something, do it now. If it is not yet time, wait until the time is right.
Higher Power, help me learn to be on time and in harmony with my life. Help me tune in to and trust Divine Timing and Order.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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August 28
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Taking Care of Ourselves on the Job
It's okay to take care of ourselves on the job. It is not only okay, it is necessary.
Taking care of ourselves on the job means we deal with feelings appropriately; we take responsibility for ourselves. We detach when detachment is called for. We set boundaries when we need to do that.
We negotiate conflicts, we try to separate our issues from the other person's issues, and we don't expect perfection from others or ourselves.
We let go of our need to control that which we cannot control. Instead, we strive for peace and manageability, owning our power to be who we are and to take care of ourselves.
We do not tolerate abuse nor do we abuse or mistreat anyone else. We work at letting go of our fear and developing appropriate confidence. We try to learn from our mistakes but we forgive ourselves when we make them.
We try to not set ourselves up by taking jobs that couldn't possibly work out or jobs that aren't right for us. If we find ourselves in one of those circumstances, we address the issue responsibly.
We figure out what our responsibilities are and we generally stick to those unless another agreement is made. We leave room for great days as well as not-so-great days.
We are gentle and loving with people whenever possible, but we are assertive and firm when that is called for. We accept our strengths and build on them. We accept our weaknesses and limitations, including the limitations of our power.
We strive to stop trying to control and change what is not our business to change. We focus on what is our responsibility and what we can change.
We set reasonable goals. We take ourselves into account. We strive for balance.
Sometimes we give ourselves a good gripe session to let it all out, but we do that appropriately, in a way meant to take care of ourselves and release our feelings, not to sabotage ourselves. We strive to avoid malicious gossip and other self-defeating behaviors.
We avoid competition and strive for cooperation and a loving spirit. We understand that we may like some people we work with and dislike others, but strive to find harmony and balance with everyone. We do not deny how we feel about a certain person, but we strive to maintain good working relationships wherever possible.
When we don't know, we say we don't know. When we need help, we ask for it directly. When panic sets in, we address the panic as a separate issue and try not to let our work and behavior be controlled by panic.
We strive to take responsible care of ourselves by appropriately asking for what we need at work, while not neglecting ourselves.
If we are part of a team, we strive for healthy teamwork as an opportunity to learn how to work in cooperation with others.
If something gets or feels crazy, if we find ourselves working with a person who is addicted or has some kind of dysfunction that is troublesome, we do not make ourselves crazier by denying the problem. We accept it and strive in peace to figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves.
We let go of our need to be martyrs or rescuers at work. We know we do not have to stay in situations that make us miserable. Instead of sabotaging a system or ourselves, we plan a positive solution, understanding we need to take responsibility for ourselves along the way.
We remove ourselves as victims and we work at believing we deserve the best. We practice acceptance, gratitude, and faith.
One day at a time, we strive to enjoy what is good, solve the problems that are ours to solve, and give the gift of ourselves at work.
Today I will pay attention to what recovery behavior I could practice that would improve my work life. I will take care of myself on the job. Higher Power, help me let go of my need to be victimized by work. Help me be open to all the good stuff that is available to me through work.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Taking Care of Ourselves on the Job
It's okay to take care of ourselves on the job. It is not only okay, it is necessary.
Taking care of ourselves on the job means we deal with feelings appropriately; we take responsibility for ourselves. We detach when detachment is called for. We set boundaries when we need to do that.
We negotiate conflicts, we try to separate our issues from the other person's issues, and we don't expect perfection from others or ourselves.
We let go of our need to control that which we cannot control. Instead, we strive for peace and manageability, owning our power to be who we are and to take care of ourselves.
We do not tolerate abuse nor do we abuse or mistreat anyone else. We work at letting go of our fear and developing appropriate confidence. We try to learn from our mistakes but we forgive ourselves when we make them.
We try to not set ourselves up by taking jobs that couldn't possibly work out or jobs that aren't right for us. If we find ourselves in one of those circumstances, we address the issue responsibly.
We figure out what our responsibilities are and we generally stick to those unless another agreement is made. We leave room for great days as well as not-so-great days.
We are gentle and loving with people whenever possible, but we are assertive and firm when that is called for. We accept our strengths and build on them. We accept our weaknesses and limitations, including the limitations of our power.
We strive to stop trying to control and change what is not our business to change. We focus on what is our responsibility and what we can change.
We set reasonable goals. We take ourselves into account. We strive for balance.
Sometimes we give ourselves a good gripe session to let it all out, but we do that appropriately, in a way meant to take care of ourselves and release our feelings, not to sabotage ourselves. We strive to avoid malicious gossip and other self-defeating behaviors.
We avoid competition and strive for cooperation and a loving spirit. We understand that we may like some people we work with and dislike others, but strive to find harmony and balance with everyone. We do not deny how we feel about a certain person, but we strive to maintain good working relationships wherever possible.
When we don't know, we say we don't know. When we need help, we ask for it directly. When panic sets in, we address the panic as a separate issue and try not to let our work and behavior be controlled by panic.
We strive to take responsible care of ourselves by appropriately asking for what we need at work, while not neglecting ourselves.
If we are part of a team, we strive for healthy teamwork as an opportunity to learn how to work in cooperation with others.
If something gets or feels crazy, if we find ourselves working with a person who is addicted or has some kind of dysfunction that is troublesome, we do not make ourselves crazier by denying the problem. We accept it and strive in peace to figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves.
We let go of our need to be martyrs or rescuers at work. We know we do not have to stay in situations that make us miserable. Instead of sabotaging a system or ourselves, we plan a positive solution, understanding we need to take responsibility for ourselves along the way.
We remove ourselves as victims and we work at believing we deserve the best. We practice acceptance, gratitude, and faith.
One day at a time, we strive to enjoy what is good, solve the problems that are ours to solve, and give the gift of ourselves at work.
Today I will pay attention to what recovery behavior I could practice that would improve my work life. I will take care of myself on the job. Higher Power, help me let go of my need to be victimized by work. Help me be open to all the good stuff that is available to me through work.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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To Be of Use
On the heels of today's post about work, which contains many thoughts I should probably write on stickies and tape all over the dashboard of my delivery van, I thought I'd include this poem:
To be of use
The people I love the best
jump into work head first
without dallying in the shallows
and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.
They seem to become natives of that element,
the black sleek heads of seals
bouncing like half submerged balls.
I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,
who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,
who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,
who do what has to be done again and again.
I want to be with people who submerge
in the task, who go into the fields to harvest
and work in a row and pass the bags along,
who stand in the line and haul in their places,
who are not parlor generals and field deserters
but move in a common rhythm
when the food must come in or the fire be put out.
The work of the world is common as mud.
Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.
But the thing worth doing well done
has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.
Greek amphoras for wine or oil,
Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums
but you know they were made to be used.
The pitcher cries for water to carry
and a person for work that is real.
-Marge Piercy
To be of use
The people I love the best
jump into work head first
without dallying in the shallows
and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.
They seem to become natives of that element,
the black sleek heads of seals
bouncing like half submerged balls.
I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,
who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,
who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,
who do what has to be done again and again.
I want to be with people who submerge
in the task, who go into the fields to harvest
and work in a row and pass the bags along,
who stand in the line and haul in their places,
who are not parlor generals and field deserters
but move in a common rhythm
when the food must come in or the fire be put out.
The work of the world is common as mud.
Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.
But the thing worth doing well done
has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.
Greek amphoras for wine or oil,
Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums
but you know they were made to be used.
The pitcher cries for water to carry
and a person for work that is real.
-Marge Piercy
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And one more thing: A link to the ACOA "Workplace Laundry List." I first found this a couple of years ago and recognized myself and my behaviors in almost every single point it covered. Since then, I've made progress but there's still a lot of work to be done. At least now I know there are ways to handle things, tools and ways of seeing things that will help me find a way thru, and that helps a lot.
The Workplace Laundry List
The Workplace Laundry List
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August 29
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Owning Our Energy
Learn to keep your energy inside.
--Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D., "Women, Sex, and Addiction"
For many reasons, we may have mastered the art of giving away our energy. We may have learned it when we were young because the feelings we had were too overwhelming to feel and we did not know how to process them.
Much of our obsessing, our intense focus on others, is done to facilitate this "out of body" experience we call codependency.
We obsess, we babble, we become anxious. We try to control, care take, and fuss over others. Our energy spills out of us on to whomever.
Our energy is our energy. Our feelings, thoughts, issues, love, sexuality; our mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, creative, and emotional energy is ours.
We can learn to have healthy boundaries - healthy parameters - around our energy and ourselves. We can learn to keep our energy within ourselves and deal with our issues.
If we are trying to escape from our body, if our energy is spilling out of us in unhealthy ways, we can ask ourselves what is going on, what is hurting us, what we are avoiding, what we need to face, what we need to deal with.
Then we can do that. We can come back home to live - in ourselves.
Today I will keep my energy in my body. I will stay focused and within my boundaries. Higher Power, help me let go of my need to escape myself. Help me face my issues so I am comfortable living in my body.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Owning Our Energy
Learn to keep your energy inside.
--Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D., "Women, Sex, and Addiction"
For many reasons, we may have mastered the art of giving away our energy. We may have learned it when we were young because the feelings we had were too overwhelming to feel and we did not know how to process them.
Much of our obsessing, our intense focus on others, is done to facilitate this "out of body" experience we call codependency.
We obsess, we babble, we become anxious. We try to control, care take, and fuss over others. Our energy spills out of us on to whomever.
Our energy is our energy. Our feelings, thoughts, issues, love, sexuality; our mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, creative, and emotional energy is ours.
We can learn to have healthy boundaries - healthy parameters - around our energy and ourselves. We can learn to keep our energy within ourselves and deal with our issues.
If we are trying to escape from our body, if our energy is spilling out of us in unhealthy ways, we can ask ourselves what is going on, what is hurting us, what we are avoiding, what we need to face, what we need to deal with.
Then we can do that. We can come back home to live - in ourselves.
Today I will keep my energy in my body. I will stay focused and within my boundaries. Higher Power, help me let go of my need to escape myself. Help me face my issues so I am comfortable living in my body.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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August 30
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Accepting Our Best
We don't have to do it any better than we can - ever.
Do our best for the moment and then let it go. If we have to redo it, we can do our best in another moment, later.
We can never do more or better than we are able to do at the moment. We punish ourselves and make ourselves feel crazy by expecting more than our reasonable best for now.
Striving for excellence is a positive quality. Striving for perfection is self-defeating.
Did someone tell us or expect us to do or give or be more? Did someone always withhold approval? There comes a time when we feel we have done our best. When that time comes, let it go.
There are days when our best is less than we hoped for. Let those times go too. Start over tomorrow. Work things through until our best becomes better.
Empowering and complimenting ourselves will not make us lazy. It will nurture us and enable us to give, do, and be our best.
Today I will do my best and then let it go. Higher Power, help me stop criticizing myself so I can start appreciating how far I've come.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Accepting Our Best
We don't have to do it any better than we can - ever.
Do our best for the moment and then let it go. If we have to redo it, we can do our best in another moment, later.
We can never do more or better than we are able to do at the moment. We punish ourselves and make ourselves feel crazy by expecting more than our reasonable best for now.
Striving for excellence is a positive quality. Striving for perfection is self-defeating.
Did someone tell us or expect us to do or give or be more? Did someone always withhold approval? There comes a time when we feel we have done our best. When that time comes, let it go.
There are days when our best is less than we hoped for. Let those times go too. Start over tomorrow. Work things through until our best becomes better.
Empowering and complimenting ourselves will not make us lazy. It will nurture us and enable us to give, do, and be our best.
Today I will do my best and then let it go. Higher Power, help me stop criticizing myself so I can start appreciating how far I've come.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
August 31
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Denial
I've been recovering many years. I've used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.
When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.
The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.
I learned to participate in my own abuse.
Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.
Eventually I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself and the world as we were. There was so much denial from my past that, had the blanket been entirely ripped from me, I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness and healing gently and gradually.
Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.
I still use, and break through, denial as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide for a while. Sometimes when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed - strong and healthy.
Sometimes I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.
Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected. It was not at all a mistake but an important part of healing.
It's an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I'm also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I'm on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings, the sluggish energy, feeling compulsive, running too fast or hard and avoiding support mechanisms.
I've gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn't my job to run around ripping people's blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.
I've learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don't have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don't have to be around them. I can wish them well and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.
I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I'm around warm people, I don't need to use my blanket.
I've gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I've gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.
Higher Power, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself and others for those times I have used denial.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Denial
I've been recovering many years. I've used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.
When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.
The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.
I learned to participate in my own abuse.
Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.
Eventually I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself and the world as we were. There was so much denial from my past that, had the blanket been entirely ripped from me, I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness and healing gently and gradually.
Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.
I still use, and break through, denial as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide for a while. Sometimes when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed - strong and healthy.
Sometimes I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.
Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected. It was not at all a mistake but an important part of healing.
It's an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I'm also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I'm on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings, the sluggish energy, feeling compulsive, running too fast or hard and avoiding support mechanisms.
I've gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn't my job to run around ripping people's blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.
I've learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don't have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don't have to be around them. I can wish them well and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.
I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I'm around warm people, I don't need to use my blanket.
I've gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I've gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.
Higher Power, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself and others for those times I have used denial.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
September 1
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Patience
Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled.
We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and as quickly as possible. But some things take time. Sometimes we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so we can accept the good we deserve. Things are being worked out in us and in others. Blocks in us are being removed. A solid foundation is being laid.
Be patient, relax and trust. Let go. Then let go some more. Good things are planned for us. We will receive them at the first available moment. We will have all our heart longs for. Relax and trust.
Today I will identify what I want and need; then I'll be willing to let go of it. I will devote my energy to living my life today, so I may master my lessons as quickly as possible. I will trust that what I want and need is coming to me. I will let go of my need to control the details.
Patience
Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled.
We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and as quickly as possible. But some things take time. Sometimes we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so we can accept the good we deserve. Things are being worked out in us and in others. Blocks in us are being removed. A solid foundation is being laid.
Be patient, relax and trust. Let go. Then let go some more. Good things are planned for us. We will receive them at the first available moment. We will have all our heart longs for. Relax and trust.
Today I will identify what I want and need; then I'll be willing to let go of it. I will devote my energy to living my life today, so I may master my lessons as quickly as possible. I will trust that what I want and need is coming to me. I will let go of my need to control the details.
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Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
September 2
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Detaching with Love with Children
It's one thing to let go of my husband and let him suffer the consequences. But how do I let go of my children? Isn't it different with children? Don't we have responsibilities as parents?
--Al Anon member
We do have different responsibilities to our children than to other adults. We are financially responsible for our children; we are responsible for providing for their material and physical needs.
Our children need to be taught how to help themselves, from tying their shoes to making social plans. They need our love and guidance. They need consistent enforcement of boundaries once we've established limits. They need a supportive, nurturing environment in which to grow. They need help learning values.
But we are not responsible for controlling our children. Contrary to popular belief, controlling doesn't work. Discipline and nurturing do,. if combined. Shame and guilt interfere with our children's learning and our parenting. We need to respond to our children in a responsible way and hold them accountable for their actions at an age appropriate level. We need only do our best.
We can let our children have their own process of living; we can have our own process. And we can take care of ourselves during that process. Seek balance. Seek wisdom, Seek not to have control but to own our power as people who are parents.
Today, Higher Power, help me find an appropriate balance of responsibility to my children. Help me parent through nurturing and discipline instead of control.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Detaching with Love with Children
It's one thing to let go of my husband and let him suffer the consequences. But how do I let go of my children? Isn't it different with children? Don't we have responsibilities as parents?
--Al Anon member
We do have different responsibilities to our children than to other adults. We are financially responsible for our children; we are responsible for providing for their material and physical needs.
Our children need to be taught how to help themselves, from tying their shoes to making social plans. They need our love and guidance. They need consistent enforcement of boundaries once we've established limits. They need a supportive, nurturing environment in which to grow. They need help learning values.
But we are not responsible for controlling our children. Contrary to popular belief, controlling doesn't work. Discipline and nurturing do,. if combined. Shame and guilt interfere with our children's learning and our parenting. We need to respond to our children in a responsible way and hold them accountable for their actions at an age appropriate level. We need only do our best.
We can let our children have their own process of living; we can have our own process. And we can take care of ourselves during that process. Seek balance. Seek wisdom, Seek not to have control but to own our power as people who are parents.
Today, Higher Power, help me find an appropriate balance of responsibility to my children. Help me parent through nurturing and discipline instead of control.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
September 3
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Word Power
I know I'm controlling, but so is my husband. Possibly more controlling than I am. Each time I set out to leave him, each time I started to walk away, he knew exactly what to say to pull me back in. And he knew I'd respond. He knew how to say exactly what I needed to hear to keep me where he wanted me. He knew what he was doing, and he knew what I would do. I know, because after we began recovering, he told me so.
--Anonymous
Some of us are so vulnerable to words.
A well timed "I love you." A chosen moment for "I'm sorry." An excuse delivered in the right tone of voice. A pat on the head. A dozen roses. A kiss. A greeting card. A few words that promise love that has yet to be delivered can spin us into denial. Sometimes it can keep us denying that we are being lied to, mistreated, or abused.
There are those who deliberately set out to sway us, to control and manipulate us through cheap talk! They know, they fully understand our vulnerability to a few well-timed words! Break through your naivete. They know what they're doing. They understand their impact on us!
We do not have to give such power to words, even though the words may be just what we want and need to hear, even though they sound so good, even though the words seem to stop the pain.
Sooner or later, we will come to realize that if behavior doesn't match a person's words, we are allowing ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, and deceived. Sooner or later, we will come to realize that talk is cheap, unless the person's behavior matches it.
We can come to demand congruency in the behavior and the words of those around us. We can learn to not be manipulated or swayed, by cheap talk.
We cannot control what others do, but we can choose our own behaviors and our own course of action. We do not have to let cheap, well-timed talk control us, even if the words we hear are exactly what we want to hear to stop our pain.
Today I will let go of my vulnerability to words. Higher Power, help me trust myself to know the truth, even when I am being deceived. Help me cherish those relationships where there is congruity. Help me believe I deserve congruity and truth in the behavior and the words of those I care about.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Word Power
I know I'm controlling, but so is my husband. Possibly more controlling than I am. Each time I set out to leave him, each time I started to walk away, he knew exactly what to say to pull me back in. And he knew I'd respond. He knew how to say exactly what I needed to hear to keep me where he wanted me. He knew what he was doing, and he knew what I would do. I know, because after we began recovering, he told me so.
--Anonymous
Some of us are so vulnerable to words.
A well timed "I love you." A chosen moment for "I'm sorry." An excuse delivered in the right tone of voice. A pat on the head. A dozen roses. A kiss. A greeting card. A few words that promise love that has yet to be delivered can spin us into denial. Sometimes it can keep us denying that we are being lied to, mistreated, or abused.
There are those who deliberately set out to sway us, to control and manipulate us through cheap talk! They know, they fully understand our vulnerability to a few well-timed words! Break through your naivete. They know what they're doing. They understand their impact on us!
We do not have to give such power to words, even though the words may be just what we want and need to hear, even though they sound so good, even though the words seem to stop the pain.
Sooner or later, we will come to realize that if behavior doesn't match a person's words, we are allowing ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, and deceived. Sooner or later, we will come to realize that talk is cheap, unless the person's behavior matches it.
We can come to demand congruency in the behavior and the words of those around us. We can learn to not be manipulated or swayed, by cheap talk.
We cannot control what others do, but we can choose our own behaviors and our own course of action. We do not have to let cheap, well-timed talk control us, even if the words we hear are exactly what we want to hear to stop our pain.
Today I will let go of my vulnerability to words. Higher Power, help me trust myself to know the truth, even when I am being deceived. Help me cherish those relationships where there is congruity. Help me believe I deserve congruity and truth in the behavior and the words of those I care about.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
September 4
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Finding Direction
I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.
--Anonymous
We each have a life to live, one that has purpose and meaning. We can help our Higher Power give direction and purpose to our life by setting goals.
We can set goals annually, monthly, or daily in times of crisis. Goals create direction and pace; goals help us achieve a manageable life that is directed in the course we choose for ourselves.
We can help give our lives direction by setting goals.
Today I will pay attention to setting a course of action for my life rather than letting others control my life and affairs.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Finding Direction
I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.
--Anonymous
We each have a life to live, one that has purpose and meaning. We can help our Higher Power give direction and purpose to our life by setting goals.
We can set goals annually, monthly, or daily in times of crisis. Goals create direction and pace; goals help us achieve a manageable life that is directed in the course we choose for ourselves.
We can help give our lives direction by setting goals.
Today I will pay attention to setting a course of action for my life rather than letting others control my life and affairs.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
September 5
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Step Ten
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
--Step Ten of Al Anon
Once we have worked our way to this Step, we can maintain and increase our self-esteem by regularly working Step Ten.
This Step incorporates the process we have gone through in Steps Four through Nine. We do not work this Step to punish ourselves or to hold ourselves under a constantly critical and demeaning microscope. We do it to maintain self-esteem and harmony in our relationship with others and ourselves. We do it to stay on track.
When an issue or problem emerges and needs our attention, identify it and openly discuss it with at least one safe person and Higher Power. Accept it. Become willing to let go of it. Ask Higher Power to take it from us. Have a change of heart by the willingness to make whatever amend is called for - to do what is necessary to take care of ourselves. Take an appropriate action to resolve the matter. Then let go of the guilt and shame.
This is a simple formula for taking care of ourselves. This is how we change. This is how we become changed. This is the process for healing and health. This is the process for achieving self-responsibility and self esteem.
The next time we do something that bothers us, the next time we feel off track or off course, we don't have to waste our time or energy feeling ashamed. We can take a Tenth Step. Let the process happen. And move on with our life.
Higher Power, help me make this Step and other Steps a habitual way of responding to life and my issues. Help me know that I am free to live, to allow myself to fully experiment with and experience life. If I get off course, or if an issue arises that demands my attention, help me deal with it by using the Tenth Step.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved
Step Ten
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
--Step Ten of Al Anon
Once we have worked our way to this Step, we can maintain and increase our self-esteem by regularly working Step Ten.
This Step incorporates the process we have gone through in Steps Four through Nine. We do not work this Step to punish ourselves or to hold ourselves under a constantly critical and demeaning microscope. We do it to maintain self-esteem and harmony in our relationship with others and ourselves. We do it to stay on track.
When an issue or problem emerges and needs our attention, identify it and openly discuss it with at least one safe person and Higher Power. Accept it. Become willing to let go of it. Ask Higher Power to take it from us. Have a change of heart by the willingness to make whatever amend is called for - to do what is necessary to take care of ourselves. Take an appropriate action to resolve the matter. Then let go of the guilt and shame.
This is a simple formula for taking care of ourselves. This is how we change. This is how we become changed. This is the process for healing and health. This is the process for achieving self-responsibility and self esteem.
The next time we do something that bothers us, the next time we feel off track or off course, we don't have to waste our time or energy feeling ashamed. We can take a Tenth Step. Let the process happen. And move on with our life.
Higher Power, help me make this Step and other Steps a habitual way of responding to life and my issues. Help me know that I am free to live, to allow myself to fully experiment with and experience life. If I get off course, or if an issue arises that demands my attention, help me deal with it by using the Tenth Step.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved
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Welcome to SR, Yketner, and glad you found us here. You've posted to one of the "daily readings" threads--maybe you could start a thread to tell us about yourself and what brings you to SR?
Looking forward to hearing more from/about you!
Looking forward to hearing more from/about you!
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