Difficult Day
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
considering you threatened him with a cease and desist order or the like, i'd strongly urge you NOT to send him anything.
yes you are mad. yes it didn't end well. but that's just how it is. unless he did anything criminal - such as theft, cashed in your 401k, made off with grannie's wedding ring - the fallout is just the emotional crash you are experiencing. i'd say it's quite possible he was never the guy you THOUGHT he was, and that this woman probably didn't not just materialize out of the vapor. it's quite possible you are now seeing the real him, or the real-er version.
which means he never was THE ONE. he was just practice and experience.
chose to wallow in his problems instead of choosing a healthy life and LOVE!
and that was absolutely HIS choice to make. that's why it's called choice. he just didn't make the choice YOU wanted for him. he followed his own path.
yes you are mad. yes it didn't end well. but that's just how it is. unless he did anything criminal - such as theft, cashed in your 401k, made off with grannie's wedding ring - the fallout is just the emotional crash you are experiencing. i'd say it's quite possible he was never the guy you THOUGHT he was, and that this woman probably didn't not just materialize out of the vapor. it's quite possible you are now seeing the real him, or the real-er version.
which means he never was THE ONE. he was just practice and experience.
chose to wallow in his problems instead of choosing a healthy life and LOVE!
and that was absolutely HIS choice to make. that's why it's called choice. he just didn't make the choice YOU wanted for him. he followed his own path.
It's hard to explain the whole situation without getting into the nitty gritty details. But for the most part he has been completely immersed in his alcoholism.
This woman who "materialized" is a yucky trashy girl who works with his mother as a substance abuse counselor. The dates and facts don't add up to her being "around" at all at all the crucial times (job loss, involuntary commitment, etc.) for the three weeks leading up to this "proclamation" and my mother and my therapist both are convinced that he lied about her status as more than a friend to hurt me and make me go away so he could be alone with his first love, alcohol. Maybe he's just having sex with her because he's desperate. God that makes me want to vomit.
I had also "rejected" him by leaving and not staying with him two weeks before the proclamation of her existence (because he was drunk of course) when he had begged me to stay for a week with him. I had also backed off a few days earlier when I had refused to come down there and fix it for him but rather only offered emotional support (I wanted him to slam into rock bottom so he could start working his way back).
I spent a lot of time with his mom and trust me, she said there was nothing between them and she's not his type, not pretty, etc., that I was creating it in my head. They had only been surfing and playing tennis in a group setting unless his mom was lying...He only likes successful beautiful women and this one is NONE of that. Not trying to toot my own horn, because trust me, I feel like crap about myself these days. His mom even said during the final blow up that he doesn't "HAVE" anyone in the sense I was assuming. I have no idea what that means!!!...I just know he's gone and could care less what he's done to me.
I just can't wrap my head around it all (which I know you guys are probably like, why the hell not??). Or many of the whacky things he said at the end. Even his former employer told me he was acting really weird the day they fired him (they are a client of mine).
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
chose to wallow in his problems instead of choosing a healthy life and LOVE!
and that was absolutely HIS choice to make. that's why it's called choice. he just didn't make the choice YOU wanted for him. he followed his own path.
and that was absolutely HIS choice to make. that's why it's called choice. he just didn't make the choice YOU wanted for him. he followed his own path.
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you did say his mom also did a 180 on you right? so i'd take what SHE says about ANY of this with a grain of salt.
here's the toughie....
IT IS WHAT IT IS. he was troubled when you met, and also a douche, and his drinking took over and he made a series of life choices that resulted in his rapid exit from your life.
and he's allowed to do that. we ALL are. we are each captains of our own ship and all that. it didn't end well or gracefully.....stuff like this rarely does. but NO MATTER HOW it ended you would STILL have questions, you would STILL want closure, you'd STILL want the last word.
how about not letting him rent any more space in your head? best revenge is a life well lived..........
here's the toughie....
IT IS WHAT IT IS. he was troubled when you met, and also a douche, and his drinking took over and he made a series of life choices that resulted in his rapid exit from your life.
and he's allowed to do that. we ALL are. we are each captains of our own ship and all that. it didn't end well or gracefully.....stuff like this rarely does. but NO MATTER HOW it ended you would STILL have questions, you would STILL want closure, you'd STILL want the last word.
how about not letting him rent any more space in your head? best revenge is a life well lived..........
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you did say his mom also did a 180 on you right? so i'd take what SHE says about ANY of this with a grain of salt.
here's the toughie....
IT IS WHAT IT IS. he was troubled when you met, and also a douche, and his drinking took over and he made a series of life choices that resulted in his rapid exit from your life.
and he's allowed to do that. we ALL are. we are each captains of our own ship and all that. it didn't end well or gracefully.....stuff like this rarely does. but NO MATTER HOW it ended you would STILL have questions, you would STILL want closure, you'd STILL want the last word.
how about not letting him rent any more space in your head? best revenge is a life well lived..........
here's the toughie....
IT IS WHAT IT IS. he was troubled when you met, and also a douche, and his drinking took over and he made a series of life choices that resulted in his rapid exit from your life.
and he's allowed to do that. we ALL are. we are each captains of our own ship and all that. it didn't end well or gracefully.....stuff like this rarely does. but NO MATTER HOW it ended you would STILL have questions, you would STILL want closure, you'd STILL want the last word.
how about not letting him rent any more space in your head? best revenge is a life well lived..........
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I wish I had never loved him. He never deserved it. He's a worthless coward. A liar, a manipulator. Do you know he even tried to trash me to my client the day he resigned? When I had done nothing but represent them wholeheartedly and with gusto! And then turned around hours later and asked me for help AGAINST them which is (A) unethical, and (B) unbelievable!! And got angry when I wouldn't do what he wanted. Question is, was that his alcoholism or his character? Either way, I hate him. And will hate him the rest of my life.
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He took away my dreams. I had already suffered enough and finally deserved to feel love in return and a safe relationship. He tricked me and lied and pretended to be that. All I want is to have a partner and a friend that I can spend the rest of my days with. But at my age, that is never going to happen now.
By the way Anvil, you have the memory of an elephant about the mom and 180 part. She is a whack job. He even said she was when he was sober!!!
By the way Anvil, you have the memory of an elephant about the mom and 180 part. She is a whack job. He even said she was when he was sober!!!
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Amharter, yesterday my alcoholic mother was a no-show to a visit planned at my house with she and my children, her beloved grandchildren. The day before yesterday, we had such a "normal", wonderful conversation on the phone, that I once again, deluded myself into believing that she was going to really work on sobriety. Instead yesterday, I got a lame-axx text and a blow-off from the visit (sans any phone call), despite changing my plans, buying a gift, getting yummy food in and insisting that my teenagers be around to see their grandmother. It sucks; it makes me angry. It is unfair and unfathomable to me that she continually picks alcohol over her children, grandchildren and my father, her husband. It kills me that she chooses alcohol over life. However, it is what it is. The facts are that I will never get another mother and she is killing herself in front of my eyes and I feel tied up in a chair, forced to be a bystander to it all, with no recourse.
I had a choice last night and today to let this eat me up inside, seethe with justifiable anger, write her yet another plea to get help or a nasty gram, or instead choose to take care of me. Focus on me and my needs. I had a wonderful day at work, a lovely lunch with a new friend, and when "soberish" mom called today and tried to make it light of it all, I stayed cordial, but got off the phone quickly. She and her alcoholism don't deserve any more of my life-filled moments. I have used her alcoholism as an example of everything I don't want my life to turn into and for that, I have become a better mother, wife, friend, sister, person than I have ever been. Try to use this situation for inspiration. You have a chance to get another lover. Focus on that chance and the changes you need to make in your life to find that kind, healthy, whole person who you deserve.
Life isn't fair. Alcoholism happens to some of the most creative, interesting, beautiful people in the world. So, does cancer and tragedy. The only thing we have control of is how we respond to what we perceive as "unfair", and only we live the consequences of our reactions.
I had a choice last night and today to let this eat me up inside, seethe with justifiable anger, write her yet another plea to get help or a nasty gram, or instead choose to take care of me. Focus on me and my needs. I had a wonderful day at work, a lovely lunch with a new friend, and when "soberish" mom called today and tried to make it light of it all, I stayed cordial, but got off the phone quickly. She and her alcoholism don't deserve any more of my life-filled moments. I have used her alcoholism as an example of everything I don't want my life to turn into and for that, I have become a better mother, wife, friend, sister, person than I have ever been. Try to use this situation for inspiration. You have a chance to get another lover. Focus on that chance and the changes you need to make in your life to find that kind, healthy, whole person who you deserve.
Life isn't fair. Alcoholism happens to some of the most creative, interesting, beautiful people in the world. So, does cancer and tragedy. The only thing we have control of is how we respond to what we perceive as "unfair", and only we live the consequences of our reactions.
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Originally Posted by DoubleDragons
Amharter, yesterday my alcoholic mother was a no-show to a visit planned at my house with she and my children, her beloved grandchildren. The day before yesterday, we had such a "normal", wonderful conversation on the phone, that I once again, deluded myself into believing that she was going to really work on sobriety. Instead yesterday, I got a lame-axx text and a blow-off from the visit (sans any phone call), despite changing my plans, buying a gift, getting yummy food in and insisting that my teenagers be around to see their grandmother. It sucks; it makes me angry. It is unfair and unfathomable to me that she continually picks alcohol over her children, grandchildren and my father, her husband. It kills me that she chooses alcohol over life. However, it is what it is. The facts are that I will never get another mother and she is killing herself in front of my eyes and I feel tied up in a chair, forced to be a bystander to it all, with no recourse.
I had a choice last night and today to let this eat me up inside, seethe with justifiable anger, write her yet another plea to get help or a nasty gram, or instead choose to take care of me. Focus on me and my needs. I had a wonderful day at work, a lovely lunch with a new friend, and when "soberish" mom called today and tried to make it light of it all, I stayed cordial, but got off the phone quickly. She and her alcoholism don't deserve any more of my life-filled moments. I have used her alcoholism as an example of everything I don't want my life to turn into and for that, I have become a better mother, wife, friend, sister, person than I have ever been. Try to use this situation for inspiration. You have a chance to get another lover. Focus on that chance and the changes you need to make in your life to find that kind, healthy, whole person who you deserve.
Life isn't fair. Alcoholism happens to some of the most creative, interesting, beautiful people in the world. So, does cancer and tragedy. The only thing we have control of is how we respond to what we perceive as "unfair", and only we live the consequences of our reactions.
I had a choice last night and today to let this eat me up inside, seethe with justifiable anger, write her yet another plea to get help or a nasty gram, or instead choose to take care of me. Focus on me and my needs. I had a wonderful day at work, a lovely lunch with a new friend, and when "soberish" mom called today and tried to make it light of it all, I stayed cordial, but got off the phone quickly. She and her alcoholism don't deserve any more of my life-filled moments. I have used her alcoholism as an example of everything I don't want my life to turn into and for that, I have become a better mother, wife, friend, sister, person than I have ever been. Try to use this situation for inspiration. You have a chance to get another lover. Focus on that chance and the changes you need to make in your life to find that kind, healthy, whole person who you deserve.
Life isn't fair. Alcoholism happens to some of the most creative, interesting, beautiful people in the world. So, does cancer and tragedy. The only thing we have control of is how we respond to what we perceive as "unfair", and only we live the consequences of our reactions.
My heart goes out to you about your mom. My daughter says the same things about her dad who is an alcoholic abuser but not an addict but he has NPD and is a douche to the Nth degree. Hang in there. *hug*
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I also asked his mom after the last threat and her turning on me to tell him to never contact me again in any fashion, which she confirmed she did. So I guess to expect him to apologize is unrealistic. I did all that to show my strength and FIGHT BACK. Show those lowlifes that they are history meanwhile I sit here and lick my wounds day in and day out.
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I was so angry just like you but I realized I had to forgive MYSELF for staying with someone who treated me like that, for throwing away those years, for ignoring my gut.
Give yourself one hour a day to wish him ill, curse him out, vent your feelings.
No contact is so perfect --you can finally move on!
Make a bucket list & get going on it! I'm personally SO HAPPY for you.
Give yourself one hour a day to wish him ill, curse him out, vent your feelings.
No contact is so perfect --you can finally move on!
Make a bucket list & get going on it! I'm personally SO HAPPY for you.
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A perfect life with him doesn't sound like it was ever going to happen. Now that he is out of the picture, you've actually made room for that to be a possibility. Why do you think you'll never meet anyone? You do realise that single people are of all ages. There a quite a few people in the world, statistically, chances are, you will meet another one.
I hear you. You are angry. Let it out. A lot of that anger is probably at yourself for allowing the relationship to exist and continue. And of course you have reason to be angry at him too, he hurt you deeply.
At some point, you will need to work on letting some of that anger go if it sticks around long term, it will only become toxic for you in the long run. It has no effect on him whatsoever. Only you.
I hear you. You are angry. Let it out. A lot of that anger is probably at yourself for allowing the relationship to exist and continue. And of course you have reason to be angry at him too, he hurt you deeply.
At some point, you will need to work on letting some of that anger go if it sticks around long term, it will only become toxic for you in the long run. It has no effect on him whatsoever. Only you.
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Originally Posted by amharter
The one thing that really keeps me from contacting him is that I don't want them to take pleasure in knowing I am hurting. Silence is my only weapon.
Stop & think for a moment - do you think he has spent a fraction of the time obsessing over your hurt, your emotions, your daily life or the people in it, as you have about his? I'm not a gambler but I'd happily bet that: no, he hasn't come close. That gives him a LOT of rent-free space in your head, 24/7.
You have justifiable anger, I get that. I've HAD that. You can't imagine how many of us could have written your exact words, how few details need to be adjusted for it to match another story.
But the longer you stay in this space, the longer you keep yourself from moving forward. You can either purge the anger or clutch it tightly to you, letting it become part of what defines you. It's your choice, entirely.
One of my VERY favorite SR quotes came from one poster's 12-yr old DD (liilamy). I love it so much that I re-wrote it in my Recovery Checklist in my journal like I do with all of my SR take-aways:
Survivors use their past to propel them forward. Victims use their past to refuse moving ahead.
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Am, I've never been self-controlled enough not to wish the universe would get back on someone who's hurt me, but the rational part of my brain and SR tells me to leave it. I admire those who can forgive and understand.
From your original post it seems karma has already got him, as you say he's lost his job, house, you, whereas you're thriving. So the karma part is taken care of, if that's what you want. And unless he gets a grip on his drinking things will get worse.
I bet the way he's moved on isn't personal, but you were pushing him out of his comfort zone, and he's going to find someone who doesn't challenge him or his lifestyle. His mother seems to have fostered that tendency in him.
From your original post it seems karma has already got him, as you say he's lost his job, house, you, whereas you're thriving. So the karma part is taken care of, if that's what you want. And unless he gets a grip on his drinking things will get worse.
I bet the way he's moved on isn't personal, but you were pushing him out of his comfort zone, and he's going to find someone who doesn't challenge him or his lifestyle. His mother seems to have fostered that tendency in him.
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amharter, unfortunately we picked men who were not capable of fulfilling our dreams (and in my case, the dream was just having a normal life, a child, growing old with the person I love). The question is, why we picked such a guy? Why were we not able to see?
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You guys are all so fantastic. Thank you. I am taking everything you say and processing it and trying to use it.
Today is slightly better, although I do still have the mental images of him with the yucky GF in my head. Makes me cringe. In her pinterest (yes, pinterest where you are collecting recipes and decorating ideas!) photo she looks like a C grade porn star!!! *vomit*
Right now, he has lost everything. He was also out of money because he'd blown it all on alcohol and drugs. He was living off an AMEX account. The company he worked for was basically one of the only games in town for him. He is a lawyer, but has never really practiced and isn't licensed where he lives. He doesn't have the mental state to take the bar, which is what he would have to do anyways to practice there. He has a real estate license, but the market there is pretty much saturated with RE agents and winter is coming. And, because it's a small beach town where he lives and his former company does have such a huge presence, word will spread pretty quickly about what happened with his job. Basically, he's completely out of gas. Right now, who knows what he's doing. Mama bear said she wouldn't let him move back home with her, but that was one breath before she asked me if I could help her find out how to sell a diamond so she could pay off credit cards she used to get him out of trouble the last go round (she blew her retirement already too - good job for a substance abuse counselor). She promised not to use the money to help him, but everything she says is a lie too. I told her she is slowly killing him with her behavior. We all know that falls on deaf ears.
Anyways, just trudging ahead. But I want to quit trudging and I want to skip and frolic again through each day. I'm pulling hard, trust me. I'm not a quitter.
Today is slightly better, although I do still have the mental images of him with the yucky GF in my head. Makes me cringe. In her pinterest (yes, pinterest where you are collecting recipes and decorating ideas!) photo she looks like a C grade porn star!!! *vomit*
Right now, he has lost everything. He was also out of money because he'd blown it all on alcohol and drugs. He was living off an AMEX account. The company he worked for was basically one of the only games in town for him. He is a lawyer, but has never really practiced and isn't licensed where he lives. He doesn't have the mental state to take the bar, which is what he would have to do anyways to practice there. He has a real estate license, but the market there is pretty much saturated with RE agents and winter is coming. And, because it's a small beach town where he lives and his former company does have such a huge presence, word will spread pretty quickly about what happened with his job. Basically, he's completely out of gas. Right now, who knows what he's doing. Mama bear said she wouldn't let him move back home with her, but that was one breath before she asked me if I could help her find out how to sell a diamond so she could pay off credit cards she used to get him out of trouble the last go round (she blew her retirement already too - good job for a substance abuse counselor). She promised not to use the money to help him, but everything she says is a lie too. I told her she is slowly killing him with her behavior. We all know that falls on deaf ears.
Anyways, just trudging ahead. But I want to quit trudging and I want to skip and frolic again through each day. I'm pulling hard, trust me. I'm not a quitter.
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Skipping and frolicking will follow the more you are able to consciously pull your focus off of him and whatever he is/isn't doing and on to you and what you're doing. We've been there. It gets easier with time and space, promise!
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Originally Posted by DoubleDragons
The only thing we have control of is how we respond to what we perceive as "unfair", and we only live the consequences of our reactions.
DD, Do you mind if I put this in my signature line?
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