Honshine

So...
It's been many moons. I've been busy with Mr. Superduper "I'm going to quit" AH. But now since he's taken off at random, again, with not so much as a word, Again. I guess I'm back. But it's not so much about him this time.

I've gotten to a point to where I'm just sick of freaking talking about it. It's the same story over and over like a broken record. "He left and is on a bender again I'm so sad I love him so much" blah blah blah. And then I'm reading through everyone's post and experiences and its like "yup yup yup" wow.. Saaaame exact thing.

Well evidently there's HUNDREDS of him out there!! I thought he was one of a kind!! I can find OTHERS to treat me like a tool! HA. What a joke. This whole situation. He leaves he comes back he leaves he comes back. He's going to change oh never mind he's decided he doesn't have a problem now....

Bonkers. That sums the whole thing up. Just pure bred BONKERS.

But did he really leave?? Well no. Of course not. He's gonna come back crying and whining about what a horrible person he is and he's so so sorry etc etc, right when I'm starting to feel BETTER. I feel like I'm dealing with an overgrown spoiled toddler.

I hate alcoholism. Its turned a wonderful sweethearted kid into a full on LOON. But.. Ya know he's in there somewhere and he just lets it run rampant and won't go to the Dr. For depression Because he "doesn't trust the pharmaceutical companies" . Ignorant self absorbed moron.

I guess there's such a thing as stupid. Maybe he's right. Maybe he doesn't have a problem with alcohol. Maybe he's just a simpleton. Maybe he's just really that stupid and worthless that he can't tell the difference between quitting a job and getting fired for not showing up because he's too drunk!!

I'll stop ranting now. It's been building up. And like I said its been a while. I hope everyone is doing well!!! Im not half bad myself. Lol

Refiner

Rant on, Sistah! Your simpleton analogy is really something I hadn't thought about... How true!!

Honshine

Well it's true. This whole time four years of dealing with this. I always thought to myself oh he's an alcoholic. And he's just a poor poor sad little helpless alcoholic he doesn't know what he's doing. He can't control himself. Oh he can't help it he's an alcoholic. He doesn't mean to treat me this way. Well if he's gonna insist he's not an alcoholic, the other only explanation is that hes just flat out stupid. I may have had time for poor little alcoholic man that wanted to help. But I don't have enough time in my life anymore stupid.

Honshine

And you want to know the reason why they don't care (in regards to my situation and personal opinion) about the devastation they cause?

Because that's YOUR hard work they throw out the window. That's YOUR blood sweat and tears they throw away. They didn't work hard at making themselves comfortable and trying to stay sober. They didn't spend countless nights worried and upset about all the effort we put into them. They didn't have to cry themselves to sleep hundreds of nights because they had lost a special kind of love due to alcohol. Because they didn't have to DO anything so to them there's nothing lost! Blackest of hates >_< I'm soooo over it.

CodeJob

Hello Honshine,

So you see his pattern. What about your part? I always found Karpman Drama Triangles helpful to see how I would dive for the victim corner and fight to keep it...

Glad to see you back!

Honshine

I know about the triangle.

I'm obviously the rescuer. Duh. Lol.

And my part in the whole thing is that I just kept letting him come back without him doing anything. I put him back together after he collapsed tons of times then off he goes again. I loved him sooo much that I didn't believe he was capable of such stupidity it was obviously the diseases fault. I allowed him to complicate my everything. So there to go. Gold star for me.

involved

Gotta get that crap out so vent away! The first step is admitting you have a problem! Hope you move forward now and work on you and let him suffer his consequences!

FeelingGreat

Honshine, love your literary style, and I can understand why you're a tad angry. I was wondering why you're still there when he comes crawling back full of excuses and promises? I can see from his POV he's got the perfect arrangement - act pathetic for a short time, then business as usual and comfortable life.

Don't you want to move on from this?

minime13

Emphasis mine. This is exactly why. Their MO is abstaining from facing their problems, and with their partners around, they don't even have to drink to abstain. We clean it all up for them, and they never have to take responsibility for anything. And they're too wrapped up in themselves to even think about others.

I had to re-learn what an apology is after dating an alcoholic. It isn't saying sorry, then coming up with an excuse for being so sorry. It is showing remorse, and doing things differently so that the apology never has to happen again. With the normal person, this is automatic. It's called learning from your mistakes. Not so much with the alcoholic.

Honshine

I do but at the same time I dont. I don't want him to be this way and I hate to see him suffer but everyone reaps what they sow and I can't be upset for putting all my effort and time into someone that doesn't even understand the concept of cause and effect.

So yes, I do want to move on from it but it's hard for me to fully let it go for some reason. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of failing or what.

Honshine

That is word for word what I do every time and I'm needing to quit all that because it's not doing any good.

FireSprite

Sorry you are going through all of this. ^^^This is the stuff you gotta figure out though...

You have to identify what YOU are getting out of this dynamic. (and when I say you are "getting" something I don't mean it's necessarily something good)

I *hated* the things I saw in myself when I took this personal inventory. I found that I really liked getting caught up in the drama because it gave me a legit reason to hang all my troubles & restrictions on. In the absence of something to martyr myself to I didn't really know my role because as an ACoA, my identity was so tied to what I did for others vs who I was.

I also found a lot of fear that I didn't recognize because it was buried so deep & it had been directing other emotions to do it's dirty work on the surface.

NYCDoglvr

What an alcoholic can do is stop drinking. Granted, it's not easy: rehab and/or hard work in a program. What you can do is decide if this is what you want in a marriage. You'll never change him. I recommend Alanon, where I saw my power lie in my own actions.

Honshine

I've thought about this for a few days and I still can't answer it. I don't brush off responsibilities or anything like that. We do have three children so when he takes off he doesn't just do it to me so that really is frustrating is admitting that he's a cruddy person as a whole. Alcohol isn't an excuse for all of this craziness he does for me anymore.

I don't think I was looking for anything in the dynamic other then I wanted us to be a happy little family/ couple that goes out and does things and enjoy life. And every time he came back I got hopeful that I could finally look forward to it. I didn't hold anything against him and I wiped the slate clean (for the most part) every time because if you can't get over the past how do you build up the future. Recently I've just been letting him binge and destroy his part of the fence and its been working (for me anyways because I'm still stable and have my business together) somewhat. He gets more and more fed up with himself every time it seems but I'm just tired of it all.

I actually feel fine which is different. His bs doesn't phase me much like it used to but this time I'm 97% sure im going to stick with not seeing him again. As you know, I'm sure though, I do still love him. So i think the only way for him to actually come back this time is not to talk but to do. Get some kind of treatment for at LEAST 6 months then I'll re evaluate the situation but I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm the only responsible person he has so... I'm pretty sure he's just going to continue to fail at everything but I'm okay with that now.
He won't have a chance to grow up if I don't cut him loose so I think im finally at a place to do that now. Hopefully. Who knows... Maybe he will finally get it together; or maybe I'll find some awesome guy that does.

Lifes supposed to be an adventure anyways >_< can't much control an adventure can you

Hopeworks

Your situation is mirror image of my XA and our four years together before I finally got to the place you are now reaching. Hindsight is 20/20 they say and when after years and years of rescuing the A and getting them cleaned up and back on their feet and watch them sabotage YOUR hard work by going to jail, getting a DUI or ending up in the emergency room close to death with alcoholic poisoning.... well, you finally have to admit the truth.

We just aren't powerful enough to control the alcoholic and their drinking because alcoholics do what alcoholics do...they drink. They are very clever at designing their lives so that they can drink and still keep a roof over their head and food on their plate while they drink.

And yet we "love" them so much we keep doing the same things over and over and over again with the same tragic results. And one day we realize that this is our future if we don't do something different for our selves. Instead of chasing around the A with a broom, fire extinguisher and huggies we "just say no" and hand the broom, fire extinguisher and huggies to the A and in my case I kicked him to the curb to go figure it out on his own.

When we make it easy for them in sets the stage as we "train' them to rely on us to never, ever, ever let them drown. My turning point was when my XA told someone that I would NEVER let him go and he could ALWAYS get me back on the merry go round.

So reality sets in... I WASTED all those years for a sorry no good jerk...not just a drunk but a jerk drunk. Wring the alcohol out of an asshat and all you have left is a sober asshat.

When they work for their own recovery (as opposed to abstinence) it means something to them...it has value...it is their blood, sweat and tears.

My XA was curbed 4 years ago and I still hear from him always asking for money when he is drunk and in the street. He has relapsed and gotten sober at least 20 times in the last 4 years. I have sent a little money to a great rehab a few times but I spend a certain amount of money on charity annually and I will always help someone helping themselves.

I NEVER give him money no matter how convincing his story is. He was in a hospital last time because his kidneys were failing and needed a bus ticket for when they released him. I said nope... no money to active alcoholics ever.

He is sober now...4 weeks. The hospital got him in somewhere. He will be drinking in less than a month is my guess. When his body fails he gets sober and rests it up and then starts the pattern over. He will die in his alcoholism...his life his choice.

So...good for you that you see the reality of the situation. The love you still have for him and all loving feelings are from chemicals within our body. Chemicals are not known for their wisdom... keep using your head to make decisions and shut the chemicals and emotions down!

Have you read the thread on the Alcoholism and the 3 Act Play? Its excellent...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html

marie1960

The dialogue in my own head used to go something like this. He is obviously miserable, he certainly has to be embarassed by his actions, he has to be filled with regret, he just doesn't know how to verbalize it, he is SUFFERING on the inside.

Well, those were MY thoughts, not HIS, he wasn't miserable or suffering, he was simply doing what active alcoholics do.

We cannot rationalize for another human being. When something is wrong in my life, I am the ONLY one who has the power and responsibility to change it.

It took a bit for me to STOP thinking about what he must be thinking and feeling. Truly a waste of time and energy . It's really these types of thoughts that keep us stuck on the crazy train.

Thank goodness your kids have one responsible parent. A Mature, responsible, loving parent does not just vanish on a whim. That's unacceptable in my book.

When you have had your fill of his vanishing and resurfacing, you will make some positive and healthy choices for yourself.


take care of you.

FeelingGreat

You've hit upon a key point here. Given that he's not a bad person, he's been coasting along partly because he hasn't experienced enough pain from his drinking. He might promise, apologise, behave for a while and mean well, but he knows that if he relapses it's not the end of the world.
Another poster pointed out that he's abandoning you and the children at will, relying on you to do the hard yards. That's pathetic.

Honshine

Yep. And then when I bring it up that he leaves me with all the responsibility he down plays it or says something along the lines of how I stopped talking to him (because I completely cut him off when he does this crap) and makes it appear like I did it to myself. But then not three weeks ago he was telling me sobriety rocks and he had motivation to actually get stuff done. e_e buuuut I guess he was just joking lol

involved

Yeah...I stopped talking to my XA and even though he was going to pay phones to call and leaving messages about how much he loves me misses me and cant replace me...he was starting relationship with another woman! When I called him on it his responce was "what did you expect me to do? You stopped talking to me?" Narccissist?

NYCDoglvr

What Alanon taught me is if I keep doing the same thing I'll keep getting the same results. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!" It was tough to see it but I eventually understood I'm not the victim if I stay. I was choosing it.