gleefan

My husband and I have struggled to find our bearings with each other while he drank as I got sober 17 months ago. Over the year plus I've despised being around his drinking. We agreed to a boundary about a month ago - that he'd give me the heads up if he was going to drink so that i wasn't caught off guard, and could decide how I wanted to spend my night.

First week, he told me. Second week he told me as he was heading to the fridge for the first beer. Third time he met a friend for happy hour then came home and continued to drink without mentioning his plan to me. I suspected he'd keep drinking when he got home so I was prepared. Last night he just started drinking without giving me any heads' up.

This morning I told him I was annoyed that he sprang it on me. He said he doesn't like "asking permission." I saw it for what it was, a quack-quack-quack, an attempt to turn it back onto me.

I am happy to say that I didn't over react or under react; at least I don't think I did. I reminded him he's not asking me if he can drink, he's telling me he's going to. That's not permission.

I suspect that he feels uncomfortable telling me because it forces him to think about his drinking and maybe deep down he knows he drinks too much. But I've learned from reading here that I need to focus on my peace and healing. So after we had the conversation about telling me that he's going to drink I switched gears into my daily chores.

I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your wisdom and guidance, especially the folks who come on here day after day, and respond to thread after thread with practical ideas how to focus on our own healing. I'd never be able to enjoy my sobriety if I didn't address these toxic patterns that held me back. I'm still new to this and it doesn't come easy but today to be able to come out of the conversation with my husband with a solution -- instead of starting an argument with my armchair psychoanalysis -- is such a gift. We wrapped up our discussion without any hard feelings and went about our days.

Liveitwell

Great job!!!!! Recovery is beautiful on you

Thomas45

Good job on keeping a level head. One thing I would caution about though, is that you're creating a boundary that requires a specific action from him. In my opinion, that's setting yourself up for failure with the boundary because you are setting an expectation on him, rather than setting an expectation on yourself. He will do whatever he decides he's going to do, and you have no control over that.

LexieCat

Yeah, what Thomas said. I'm not sure how realistic it is to expect anybody--but especially an alcoholic--to give you a heads-up that he intends to drink. It's already creating resentment, and I kind of get his point. It DOES feel "asking permission" or, even more unpleasant, announcing he intends to do something you find abhorrent. Kind of like announcing: I'm going to make a big mess in the house and not clean up after myself--just letting you know, honey.

A true boundary would be some action YOU take when he engages in certain behavior--and scolding or complaining doesn't count. It should be something that reduces the effect on YOU, not something you inflict on HIM.

You've imposed a rule, not a boundary.

Mango blast

Gleefan, you're doing great! Keep working on your own recovery and these things will become more clear.

Are you going to Alanon regularly and do you have a sponsor yet? It's taken me a long time to actively work the program, but it does work.

I've found the advice in the earlier posts to be very true. My husband could never follow rules I placed on him, because it is an irrational disease that I was asking for rational actions from. It was not because he didn't care; he has been lied to by his disease even more than I have.

Huge kudos for your own recovery! Protect it at all costs.

I've found my boundaries that work usually involve acceptance on my part of how things are, followed by new actions that involve me doing something instead of expecting him to.

My sponsor encourages me to ask my husband to take care of certain things, but once asked I need to follow through on it in whatever healthy way I need to if he's unable to.

Mango blast

PS - please read that as: You're smart to protect your sobriety at all costs.

gleefan

I appreciate the clarification. I still have a long way to go on this journey. Thanks for walking with me through it.

Part of my peace of mind comes from him finally acknowledging that my sobriety is serious to me, and not just a passing fancy. That it's behind some of the changes I've made for the better. That I want to protect it. His acknowledgment of this journey that's so important to me has made me willing to give this relationship a chance.

Your comments gave me good food for thought, though. Is my peace of mind hinging on him being on the same page as me? Doing what I want? I can see how dangerous that can be. I wish I could ask what to do instead but I suppose that answer needs to come from within. Of course I'm all ears to your suggestions to make boundaries for ME instead of rules for him.

I'm in AA and I'm working with a sponsor. I also go to Al Anon meetings. I have learned so much there; I'm going to keep going.

AnvilheadII

my other half and i are such lemmings i don't see how we could co-exist if ONE of us <<fill in your favorite vice>> and the other abstained. at least not without huge globs of resentment on MY part!!! so i admire that you are trying to work through it.