He said all the right heartfelt things
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
He said all the right heartfelt things
He was suppose to come by this afternoon but things to do with his recovery after just getting back from rehab go in the way, which is fine. He called me instead. I told him about the rape. He doesn't remember. He asked if I was sure that happened and if so when. I was a little agitated by that question and told him I have the exact day on the calendar that it happened, it just did. he talked about wanted to earn my trust and love back but I encouraged him to please focus on his recovery and building a relationship back with his sons. After a long talk I finally told him I need to move on. These are all things I wanted to say, things I want to do. I had such hard nosed resolve about it all and now I'm crumbling. I'm a mess. He was so nice, so together sounding and all I could do was war in my head of thinking that what i'm doing is a mistake verses now is my time to be free of this forever.
Is this normal? If i never had to hear his voice again, or see him again I would stay strong. I still stuck to my guns but it felt awful. He says everything is mine, he wants nothing. He was too nice, said the right things, cried, etc.
Is this normal? If i never had to hear his voice again, or see him again I would stay strong. I still stuck to my guns but it felt awful. He says everything is mine, he wants nothing. He was too nice, said the right things, cried, etc.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
((((Hugs))))katchie. He's only back from rehab so he may sound fresh and together but wait and see how he does living in the real world and whether he continues his recovery.
I think your right in that you need to move on and focus on you. If he continues in his recovery and remains committed to sobriety for a period of time maybe you both can look at your relationship again. I know you love him, but do you think you could have a relationship with him after everything that has happened, could you trust him again?
Focus on you girl your doing brilliantly.
I think your right in that you need to move on and focus on you. If he continues in his recovery and remains committed to sobriety for a period of time maybe you both can look at your relationship again. I know you love him, but do you think you could have a relationship with him after everything that has happened, could you trust him again?
Focus on you girl your doing brilliantly.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
It is absolutely normal, katchie. When my ex-husband and I went through our divorce, I absolutely panicked one night. Couldn't breathe, crying hysterically. A friend of mine was comforting me, and she told me that if my ex's behavior truly changed--over an extended period of time--then maybe we could work something out together in the future. But at that moment, nothing had changed. He, too, said he wanted to earn my trust....but did nothing to do so. And, he wouldn't give up his girlfriend. Actions, not words.
I'm so sorry that he does not remember the most intimate form of betrayal and violence on his part. Perhaps he does, and he just can't admit it. Either way...you deserve so much better!
The only words of wisdom I can offer are, words are just that--words. Actions speak loudest.
Hang in there, katchie! Sending hugs!!
I'm so sorry that he does not remember the most intimate form of betrayal and violence on his part. Perhaps he does, and he just can't admit it. Either way...you deserve so much better!
The only words of wisdom I can offer are, words are just that--words. Actions speak loudest.
Hang in there, katchie! Sending hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,457
Keep moving forward and if, over time, his recovery progresses, you can think
again about the relationship.
Right now, it doesn't seem like either of you is in the emotional place to engage
in the painful process of sorting things out.
He needs to focus on his recovery, and you need some healing time and space.
That's just the facts.
again about the relationship.
Right now, it doesn't seem like either of you is in the emotional place to engage
in the painful process of sorting things out.
He needs to focus on his recovery, and you need some healing time and space.
That's just the facts.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I hope you both heal. It's very possible that he doesn't remember the rape, but that isn't an excuse. People know what they are doing while they are IN the blackout, they just don't remember it later.
If he's serious about his recovery he will find a way to come to terms with what he did. You are doing the right thing by taking care of you and the kiddos.
Hugs,
If he's serious about his recovery he will find a way to come to terms with what he did. You are doing the right thing by taking care of you and the kiddos.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Katchie, You don't have to stop loving him. Take time, take care of yourself and the kids. Someone not to long ago said to me... what is for you will not go by u.
We don't know what Gods plan is for anyone. So you get healthy, hopefully he will get healthy and you can always revisit your relationship when your heads are clear.
You know this is what you have to do. (((((((((hugs))))))))))
We don't know what Gods plan is for anyone. So you get healthy, hopefully he will get healthy and you can always revisit your relationship when your heads are clear.
You know this is what you have to do. (((((((((hugs))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
People know what they are doing while they are IN the blackout, they just don't remember it later.
This was hard for me to digest. It was easy to make excuses when I could blame the booze for everything, but realizing that he KNEW what he was doing while he did it but just didn't remember it after was absolutely awful. It made my life hell and somehow it was like not remembering absolved him of everything, because in his world it hadn't happened.
Hugs Katchie.
This was hard for me to digest. It was easy to make excuses when I could blame the booze for everything, but realizing that he KNEW what he was doing while he did it but just didn't remember it after was absolutely awful. It made my life hell and somehow it was like not remembering absolved him of everything, because in his world it hadn't happened.
Hugs Katchie.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
I'm with everyone else here. At the end of the day this is NOT all about HIM. He did a lot of really AWFUL stuff. Those of us in recovery as we progress must accept the consequences of our actions whether we remember them or not. Yes fresh out of rehab it is easy to say all the right things. He just spent 35 days in a bubble. Not to say it was a bad bubble but it was a bubble. I've said it before and I'll say it again, from my side of the fence GETTING sober is the easy part. Staying sober is the hard part. If we stay sober for prolonged periods of time and truly change knowing that regardless of our sobriety and changes may not result in those around us forgiving us but STILL stay the course that is TRUE recovery. I really don't think you need to forgive him for the rape. If he can't remember it than tough luck, it is YOUR reality and you should not be put on trial for something he can't remember. The first year of sobriety (and having just past that mark I can't say what the next year will bring) involves a lot of learning how to cope with new things sober. There will be parties. There will be other peoples anger. There will be embarrassment we have to face. There will be learning how to drink seltzer water when you are the only one at an event not consuming alcohol and not giving into having "just one." Its a lot and their are temptations around every corner. We have to learn how not to cave in. This is all the stuff we as "A's" have to deal with without the bubble of being in rehab. All of this stuff is HIS stuff not yours. You've been through a nightmare. IMHO legal separation is not divorce. I'd be very inclined to proceed with the legal separation and IF in a YEAR (and I think it takes a year to begin thinking clearly, you decide that in your heart forgiveness may be there you can opt not to divorce. HOwever I don't think you should be pushed or cajoled into this. I made my own bed and I had to live in it. So does your husband. If he opts to STAY sober even if you divorce than good for him. That said "I can't remember" is no excuse. It wasn't for me and it wasn't for any alcoholic.
Keep standing your ground and get that legal separation. The situation with the taxes would be very worrisome to me as to what all else is going on in that front. You want to be legally protecting yourself as you work on your own personal growth.
YOu're doing great btw. Keep on doing the things you need to do for you.
Keep standing your ground and get that legal separation. The situation with the taxes would be very worrisome to me as to what all else is going on in that front. You want to be legally protecting yourself as you work on your own personal growth.
YOu're doing great btw. Keep on doing the things you need to do for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
You are such a strong woman and it comes through so loud in clear in each of your posts that you are getting healthier and braver every single day.
In regards to what is "normal" I will tell you that I have had a similar experience as you with having had an iron clad resolve to divorce and yet here I am, not divorced, not legally separated and my husband is back on the sobriety train and things are calm and peaceful around here. For me, this goes back to the "one day at a time" saying. I don't need to commit to anything but just sit with my feelings and see how I feel again tomorrow.
It's easy to say all the right things fresh out of rehab, in my experience and humble opinion. It is really difficult to say the right thing when one of your kids is manipulating a situation and you need to work together as a parenting team rather than reverting to old habits. In my opinion, those are the true "tests" that matter. Those small moments that define what a person's true priorities are and how strong of a recovery they are working.
These things take time. Be patient with yourself and your feelings. Big hugs!
In regards to what is "normal" I will tell you that I have had a similar experience as you with having had an iron clad resolve to divorce and yet here I am, not divorced, not legally separated and my husband is back on the sobriety train and things are calm and peaceful around here. For me, this goes back to the "one day at a time" saying. I don't need to commit to anything but just sit with my feelings and see how I feel again tomorrow.
It's easy to say all the right things fresh out of rehab, in my experience and humble opinion. It is really difficult to say the right thing when one of your kids is manipulating a situation and you need to work together as a parenting team rather than reverting to old habits. In my opinion, those are the true "tests" that matter. Those small moments that define what a person's true priorities are and how strong of a recovery they are working.
These things take time. Be patient with yourself and your feelings. Big hugs!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Katchie, I'm sure he's sincere in what he says now, but actions are what count and he's yet to be hit with the real world.
There's the question of whether your relationship could be repaired anyway, considering the breach of trust, but time will tell.
I don't think you'd be doing him any favours by letting him back in your life right now as it's just a return to old patterns and triggers. He needs to build a new life, and who knows? he might be fit for you then.
There's the question of whether your relationship could be repaired anyway, considering the breach of trust, but time will tell.
I don't think you'd be doing him any favours by letting him back in your life right now as it's just a return to old patterns and triggers. He needs to build a new life, and who knows? he might be fit for you then.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
One of my favorite quotes-actually my Ex husbands fiancee brought it to my attention-
While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions. – Stephen R. Covey
I love it! My kids are starting to focus on it too. May they not have to repeat my mistakes.
While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions. – Stephen R. Covey
I love it! My kids are starting to focus on it too. May they not have to repeat my mistakes.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi Katchie and hugs ((()))))
Obviously before you and you husband could successfully reconcile there is much that would need to be worked through. I think you are comfortable in your decision for some things:
1) You do not want to live with him at this time
2) You would need to see a real dedication to sobriety this time, AND significant time of his maintaining sobriety.
Why not take divorce and its discussion off the table, even in your head? There is a third component (and probably more), and that is working through a myriad of things that he has done to you and your family. But, if 1 & 2 never happen 3, 4, 5....they don't matter anyway.
He might meet actions 1 & 2 and you are still done anyway.
I can't remember if you are seeing a therapist. If not it might be a good idea for you to see one by yourself to work through the rape and other things for YOU, not for him.. I'm really sorry that happened to you.
Remember more will be revealed it always is. I think when and if you are absolutely done with him (if you get there) you will know it, and there will be no questioning if its the right thing. You may feel that way today.
I think this is all quite normal. Its hard to divorce. and its a lengthy marriage. It would be easier if he was nasty or went back to old habits. Perhaps you have some guilt feeling you owe it to him to try. Who knows.
Obviously before you and you husband could successfully reconcile there is much that would need to be worked through. I think you are comfortable in your decision for some things:
1) You do not want to live with him at this time
2) You would need to see a real dedication to sobriety this time, AND significant time of his maintaining sobriety.
Why not take divorce and its discussion off the table, even in your head? There is a third component (and probably more), and that is working through a myriad of things that he has done to you and your family. But, if 1 & 2 never happen 3, 4, 5....they don't matter anyway.
He might meet actions 1 & 2 and you are still done anyway.
I can't remember if you are seeing a therapist. If not it might be a good idea for you to see one by yourself to work through the rape and other things for YOU, not for him.. I'm really sorry that happened to you.
Remember more will be revealed it always is. I think when and if you are absolutely done with him (if you get there) you will know it, and there will be no questioning if its the right thing. You may feel that way today.
I think this is all quite normal. Its hard to divorce. and its a lengthy marriage. It would be easier if he was nasty or went back to old habits. Perhaps you have some guilt feeling you owe it to him to try. Who knows.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,457
Given the tax issues and his difficulty being fully committed to sobriety in the past,
I think a legal seperation is truly in your best interest right now.
Wait and see if he lives up to his claims.
At least a year of real, no-mistaking-it recovery,
because as someone else said, you've got nothing but time and he has a heck of a lot of
action to take if he really wants to get better.
Like cookies says, it's those daily choices to not drink that are the hard ones.
When everyone else is and you can't, or when nobody is watching and you could
"sneak" some (or you think you can)
Or when life kicks you in the emotional nuts and you have a desperate, visceral craving
for it all just to go away like it used to when you drank.
You don't need a ringside seat for that at this point after what he's put you through.
I think a legal seperation is truly in your best interest right now.
Wait and see if he lives up to his claims.
At least a year of real, no-mistaking-it recovery,
because as someone else said, you've got nothing but time and he has a heck of a lot of
action to take if he really wants to get better.
Like cookies says, it's those daily choices to not drink that are the hard ones.
When everyone else is and you can't, or when nobody is watching and you could
"sneak" some (or you think you can)
Or when life kicks you in the emotional nuts and you have a desperate, visceral craving
for it all just to go away like it used to when you drank.
You don't need a ringside seat for that at this point after what he's put you through.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Katchie,
Big hugs for you. Breath in, breath out. Pray and trust in your instincts. You're finding clarity and healing. Look towards your own truth of what is healthy for you.
This posting has really given me some food for thought:
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?sto...54133161388150
If my husband had Alzheimer’s, there may be a point I wouldn't be able to live with him. The difference in caretaking for the different situations is that it accelerates the disease of addiction. In either case, it's so very healthy and important to take care of ourselves first and foremost.
One day at a time.
(((Hugs)))
Ktf
Big hugs for you. Breath in, breath out. Pray and trust in your instincts. You're finding clarity and healing. Look towards your own truth of what is healthy for you.
This posting has really given me some food for thought:
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?sto...54133161388150
If my husband had Alzheimer’s, there may be a point I wouldn't be able to live with him. The difference in caretaking for the different situations is that it accelerates the disease of addiction. In either case, it's so very healthy and important to take care of ourselves first and foremost.
One day at a time.
(((Hugs)))
Ktf
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Another thing that would be a HUGE concern of mine is this. An alcoholic that spends about five seconds educating themselves knows that relapse rates regardless of the recovery program are HUGE, well over 50%, quick google search is 50-90%. Thus unfortunately we in recovery have to decide whether we truly want to beat the odds, which are statistically against us. The fact that rape is something he does while drunk would make me wonder if he ever relapses (which statistically could happen) whether it could happen again. I think it would be fair and reasonable for you to point this out at some point. I don't mean to be harsh here but in my own recovery group there are a number of people that have owned the fact, live with the guilt, and accept the fact that they drove drunk and they could have killed someone. This has NOTHING to do with you but things I think you fairly have the right to protect yourself against.
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