The end? Advice please
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
So much good advice here! I can't add much because their words are speaking to me just as much as they are to you. I broke up with my abf about 3 weeks ago, haventtalked in over a week, haven't seen him since just after Christmas.... And the whole thing sucks!!!!! I keep having to go back over things that were wrong to continue to convince myself that leaving was the right decision. Eventually, I KNOW that it will stick and like waves, my confidence comes and goes. When I'm low on it, I put my phone away so I don't get tempted to call him. It is a constant battle with myself. But dang it! I want a better life! I deserve a better life! (And so do you). And no matter what the sickness in my mind tells me, I know the "better" stuff exists... Someday I will reach it and I am determined.
In the meantime, everyone here on SR have been my confidants, because no one in my life seems to understand the severity of what I am going through trying to heal as a codependent. They just don't have the life experience. But I do have some friends who are actively helping me stay busy so I don't sit and miss him. That part, they can understand. I guess what I am trying to say is, there IS support for you on all fronts. Your family cannot possibly bear the burden of all of it. Spread out your support system as far as it can reach so you are fully supported and your family can offer you the help that they ARE equipped with.
In the meantime, everyone here on SR have been my confidants, because no one in my life seems to understand the severity of what I am going through trying to heal as a codependent. They just don't have the life experience. But I do have some friends who are actively helping me stay busy so I don't sit and miss him. That part, they can understand. I guess what I am trying to say is, there IS support for you on all fronts. Your family cannot possibly bear the burden of all of it. Spread out your support system as far as it can reach so you are fully supported and your family can offer you the help that they ARE equipped with.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
And, incidentally, I don't discount your pain. I've been there. It is heartbreaking to see our loved ones destroying themselves.
But destroying your life won't save his. It isn't as if we can risk our lives with the possibility of saving someone--like running into a burning building to save someone you love. In this case, it would be like running into a burning building to save someone who has handcuffed himself to the bed.
I didn't mean to be hurtful, if that's how it sounded. I DO understand. It was hard for me, too, but I did it anyway.
But destroying your life won't save his. It isn't as if we can risk our lives with the possibility of saving someone--like running into a burning building to save someone you love. In this case, it would be like running into a burning building to save someone who has handcuffed himself to the bed.
I didn't mean to be hurtful, if that's how it sounded. I DO understand. It was hard for me, too, but I did it anyway.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
I agree that it's akin to an addiction Jane. It's exactly how I felt when I left my alcoholic fiance. I thought he was going to die if I left him, and that I somehow failed him in leaving him, and that if something did happen to him because of my leaving, it would be all my fault. I still feel that way to a point. I was so loyal to him and so willing to stick by him and then, I just couldn't anymore. I knew me being there wasn't doing a thing except making it easier for him to stay immersed in his addiction. The times I thought he was 'trying', he wasn't, he was just learning how to hide it better. The lies, deceit and pain eventually got me in the end. I didn't know which was more painful, staying or leaving, but I knew I couldn't continue to watch him slowly destroy himself and take me down with him in the process.
Jane, I still love my ex. It still hurts so bad. The guilt is immense. But, I try to keep telling myself that it's ok that I still love him, and it's normal to hurt and that I have no reason to feel guilty. I believe it at times, and at other times, I don't. But it's a process. I'm praying that I'm going to get to a point that I can totally let go and move forward. Some days I feel like I'm getting there, and then other days, like today, it's like I get blind sided with the title wave of confusion, guilt, hurt and pain all over again. Usually it's all a dull ache at this point, but I still have a severe day here or there.
The only way I got through leaving and staying gone was to look at it like it was. An addiction. I was addicted to him, the drama, the chaos, the pain, the confusion. It was what I knew. It was what I grew up with. It was so painful, but in a sick way, it was so comfortable and I knew how to do that life. I DON'T know how to do this life alone and that's terrifying. But I'm trying. We have to try. You really need to look at this like it's an addiction that you need to conquer. I know you love him, and I felt the same as you do in ALL of it. Nobody understood how much I loved him, it was so beyond what normal love was. Yes, because it's an addiction. That's why it's so strong and that is why that pull to go back is so strong. It made me understand what addicts go through when trying to get off of alcohol/drugs.
You, Jane, are fighting for your life right now. You can not fight for his. Nothing you can, will, or could have done is going to change his course. Him, and only him, can change it. You can't influence it. He has to be rock solid and FIGHT his way out. You can not fight that battle for him, or with him. I wish I could tell you differently, but that's how it is and it sucks. What you do have to do, however, is FIGHT your way out of this. Addiction ruins lives. I don't care if it's addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling or another person. If you keep going sweetie, it's going to ruin you. Please don't let it.
I know the pain feels soooo relentless and that you feel like nobody else understands the depth of the pain that you are in. I do. I felt like I wanted to die more than a few times after my ex and I split. The pain was just so immense and all encompassing. I couldn't function. I still, at times, feel like I'm just making it through in survival mode. I'm afraid to go out and do much of anything. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all that has happened in the last few months. BUT, this pain will take us to a better place. The pain of being with the addict will just take us to hell.
You have to FIGHT Jane! It's an addiction. He IS an actual addiction for you and you have to fight your way out of it. The beginning is going to be brutal, I won't lie. But you can, and will, get through it. You have to.
Jane, I still love my ex. It still hurts so bad. The guilt is immense. But, I try to keep telling myself that it's ok that I still love him, and it's normal to hurt and that I have no reason to feel guilty. I believe it at times, and at other times, I don't. But it's a process. I'm praying that I'm going to get to a point that I can totally let go and move forward. Some days I feel like I'm getting there, and then other days, like today, it's like I get blind sided with the title wave of confusion, guilt, hurt and pain all over again. Usually it's all a dull ache at this point, but I still have a severe day here or there.
The only way I got through leaving and staying gone was to look at it like it was. An addiction. I was addicted to him, the drama, the chaos, the pain, the confusion. It was what I knew. It was what I grew up with. It was so painful, but in a sick way, it was so comfortable and I knew how to do that life. I DON'T know how to do this life alone and that's terrifying. But I'm trying. We have to try. You really need to look at this like it's an addiction that you need to conquer. I know you love him, and I felt the same as you do in ALL of it. Nobody understood how much I loved him, it was so beyond what normal love was. Yes, because it's an addiction. That's why it's so strong and that is why that pull to go back is so strong. It made me understand what addicts go through when trying to get off of alcohol/drugs.
You, Jane, are fighting for your life right now. You can not fight for his. Nothing you can, will, or could have done is going to change his course. Him, and only him, can change it. You can't influence it. He has to be rock solid and FIGHT his way out. You can not fight that battle for him, or with him. I wish I could tell you differently, but that's how it is and it sucks. What you do have to do, however, is FIGHT your way out of this. Addiction ruins lives. I don't care if it's addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling or another person. If you keep going sweetie, it's going to ruin you. Please don't let it.
I know the pain feels soooo relentless and that you feel like nobody else understands the depth of the pain that you are in. I do. I felt like I wanted to die more than a few times after my ex and I split. The pain was just so immense and all encompassing. I couldn't function. I still, at times, feel like I'm just making it through in survival mode. I'm afraid to go out and do much of anything. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all that has happened in the last few months. BUT, this pain will take us to a better place. The pain of being with the addict will just take us to hell.
You have to FIGHT Jane! It's an addiction. He IS an actual addiction for you and you have to fight your way out of it. The beginning is going to be brutal, I won't lie. But you can, and will, get through it. You have to.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Thank you for your words. I slept a little last night and feel as if sleep is the only escape from all this unless I have some crazy dreams. I've cried on and off all morning. I don't even know what I am crying about- him and the whole situation or the fact I have caused so much hurt and pain to my family and friends.
My best friend can be very brutal but also is still mainly supportive despite I am sure being sick of hearing it all. My family is another matter- they are angry, think I am selfish (which I have been I know but I am not that person this situation has made me so). I don't even know where to begin to build bridges with them and fix anything and I honestly don't think I will ever forgive myself for the hurt and pain I have caused others. Sometimes I just want to disappear.
I've seen he has now received a message I sent yesterday about him not even informing me about if he got home safe, where he was etc but he hasn't bothered to even read it. Yesterday it was all I am amazing he misses me can't be without me and yet he leaves ans not a word since- again I am back to questioning if this was even love on his part or if I have just been played like a complete fool.
There are no al anon meetings that I could get to in my area. I am considering again looking for a therapist but I don't even know what a therapist could do for me I feel as if I would just sit and tell this sob story to them and what's the outcome?
I feel as if I've had some ok days trying to get myself back on track and it has all come crashing down around me this weekend. But when I do have ok days my family just seem to assume that's it great I'm over it moving on done, when inside that's far from how I feel.
How do I not keep thinking of him? Of his welfare? Even though I know he's an adult and his choices are his own. How do I get over the deep sadness I feel that I know he doesn't want his life to be like this but he is so deep in the grasp of alcohol he can't find a way out and I am yet another person, like his family, who have just walked away. The deep sadness of loving someone who I can't build any kind of future with.
When will I ever stop obsessing over it? How do I make it all right again with everyone who has been hurt?
My best friend can be very brutal but also is still mainly supportive despite I am sure being sick of hearing it all. My family is another matter- they are angry, think I am selfish (which I have been I know but I am not that person this situation has made me so). I don't even know where to begin to build bridges with them and fix anything and I honestly don't think I will ever forgive myself for the hurt and pain I have caused others. Sometimes I just want to disappear.
I've seen he has now received a message I sent yesterday about him not even informing me about if he got home safe, where he was etc but he hasn't bothered to even read it. Yesterday it was all I am amazing he misses me can't be without me and yet he leaves ans not a word since- again I am back to questioning if this was even love on his part or if I have just been played like a complete fool.
There are no al anon meetings that I could get to in my area. I am considering again looking for a therapist but I don't even know what a therapist could do for me I feel as if I would just sit and tell this sob story to them and what's the outcome?
I feel as if I've had some ok days trying to get myself back on track and it has all come crashing down around me this weekend. But when I do have ok days my family just seem to assume that's it great I'm over it moving on done, when inside that's far from how I feel.
How do I not keep thinking of him? Of his welfare? Even though I know he's an adult and his choices are his own. How do I get over the deep sadness I feel that I know he doesn't want his life to be like this but he is so deep in the grasp of alcohol he can't find a way out and I am yet another person, like his family, who have just walked away. The deep sadness of loving someone who I can't build any kind of future with.
When will I ever stop obsessing over it? How do I make it all right again with everyone who has been hurt?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by Jane11 
(which I have been I know but I am not that person this situation has made me so).
When will I ever stop obsessing over it? How do I make it all right again with everyone who has been hurt?
When will I ever stop obsessing over it? How do I make it all right again with everyone who has been hurt?
I understand how our family feels 100% about this - he is violent. They aren't toying around with what you will because you think that he won't do to you or them, what everybody else knows he is capable of. They had a home that was peaceful now they have to worry not only about an abusive A but about the family member they have taken in. Your friends and family have gone out on a limb here for you - but when it comes down to splitting hairs you will choose that man, and his welfare over theirs and over your own that is what you demonstrated yesterday. That is why they are pissed. You see this as they don't recognize what you have done and that they lack sympathy for your predicament. Not so. They love you and have given you a place to live that is safe and stable. Who fails to see this situation for what it is is you.
I know they are saying you are selfish - that I disagree with. You are sick with codependency and enabling. So sick with it that for a moment you chose to leave your home and walk the streets in the freezing cold with a suitcase so that you can continue to aid the alcoholic in your life. You are walking a tight wire here friend, your family have laid down the law. What's it going to be? Is this man worth being homeless for? Is this man worth losing the people that care about and love you?
Your alcoholic won't put down they bottle for you yet you would sacrifice your life for him. That is a fact.
I wish Al Anon was available. Yes find a therapist by all means but go with the intent to get help with your sickness, not with the intent to find someone who will just listen to you stay in the same place you are in. That's not what they are for.
To get the madness to stop you have to WANT it to change. Just like an A has to WANT to get sober.
You can do this!! I hope you will spend some time thinking about the grave situation having any contact with this man causes you - that is how you move beyond it.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,473
He hasn't bothered to read your message. And you are ready
to sacrifice your self and your family relationship to this guy?
red is exactly right on here about how they must feel.
Please get some therapy and recognize your role and choices in this situation.
You can heal and resolve the issues with your family, but only if
you let go of your own addiction, which is him.
to sacrifice your self and your family relationship to this guy?
red is exactly right on here about how they must feel.
Please get some therapy and recognize your role and choices in this situation.
You can heal and resolve the issues with your family, but only if
you let go of your own addiction, which is him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
My relative has told me I have to leave anyway.
He messaged me and I messaged him saying I would like some time apart and no contact now so the sake of us both, however he has also messaged the relative I am staying with and she has told him that she has given me an ultimatum and he has told her I am saying I want the time apart but I don't I'm just buying time, I won't go no contact and obviously she trusts his word over mine as she has told me I have to leave as she no longer feels safe here if he could turn up. I sent her the messages to show that I had actually said this to him but she said I am ridiculous and she doesn't want anything to do with it.
He has basically got what he wants because he didn't want me staying where I am, as it was too far away from him, he wanted me being back at my parents where I was closer to him.
I can't go to my parents for the same reason as they don't feel safe that he could turn up, I've been asked to leave where I am over message today before she arrives home from work. I don't have any friends in this area and the only real best friend I have who knows all the details I can't stay there either plus she lives in the same city as him, so I think I am going to have to just pack a few bits and look for a hostel.
I'm just in shock and disbelief but I've brought it all on myself. I have nowhere to go, I don't want to live like this, I don't want to live at all if it's like this
I didn't want him to turn up at her place- I didn't give him the address he saw it on paperwork I had, I've said I will cut the contact but obviously it's irrelevant now
I'm not really sure what to do I'm just sat here crying
He messaged me and I messaged him saying I would like some time apart and no contact now so the sake of us both, however he has also messaged the relative I am staying with and she has told him that she has given me an ultimatum and he has told her I am saying I want the time apart but I don't I'm just buying time, I won't go no contact and obviously she trusts his word over mine as she has told me I have to leave as she no longer feels safe here if he could turn up. I sent her the messages to show that I had actually said this to him but she said I am ridiculous and she doesn't want anything to do with it.
He has basically got what he wants because he didn't want me staying where I am, as it was too far away from him, he wanted me being back at my parents where I was closer to him.
I can't go to my parents for the same reason as they don't feel safe that he could turn up, I've been asked to leave where I am over message today before she arrives home from work. I don't have any friends in this area and the only real best friend I have who knows all the details I can't stay there either plus she lives in the same city as him, so I think I am going to have to just pack a few bits and look for a hostel.
I'm just in shock and disbelief but I've brought it all on myself. I have nowhere to go, I don't want to live like this, I don't want to live at all if it's like this
I didn't want him to turn up at her place- I didn't give him the address he saw it on paperwork I had, I've said I will cut the contact but obviously it's irrelevant now
I'm not really sure what to do I'm just sat here crying
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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I am very sorry for your predicament.
I am hoping your relative will change her mind but I think in order to do that you will need to change yours. This isn't about time apart - her requirements are no contact. Period. None. So if you are willing to take out a PO or you will really call the police if he shows up she may be willing to let you stay. If you aren't willing to do that then this is the price you pay to remain in minimal contact with this alcoholic.
Jane, I know this is very, very tough for you and that your heart is in the right place. Lots of hugs. I hope your FOG will clear and that you see things for what they are, not what you wish they could be.
I am hoping your relative will change her mind but I think in order to do that you will need to change yours. This isn't about time apart - her requirements are no contact. Period. None. So if you are willing to take out a PO or you will really call the police if he shows up she may be willing to let you stay. If you aren't willing to do that then this is the price you pay to remain in minimal contact with this alcoholic.
Jane, I know this is very, very tough for you and that your heart is in the right place. Lots of hugs. I hope your FOG will clear and that you see things for what they are, not what you wish they could be.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Jane, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your family keeps saying they don't feel safe around him. I wish I had heard my sister when she said it. I wish I'd understood that there was a reason her husband, who has a blackbelt, was always the one to answer the door whenever AXH showed up.
If your family doesn't feel safe around him, it also means they don't feel it's safe for you to be around him.
It look a while of me being away from AXH before my family trusted that I wouldn't go right back to him. And, honestly, it's taken therapy and time to start getting my thinking straightened out. I think I've reached a mindset now where they wouldn't collectively bite their tongue if I started talking about a going to dinner with a guy.
And with kindness, it was stuff like this:
that had my family doubting my actions when it came to AXH. Telling him I thought we needed time apart to work on our individual problems (which is what I told AXH) is not the same as telling him it was over and to leave me alone. Not to him. And not to my family. "Time apart" implies the chance of reconciliation. Your family is asking you to be done with him - for their safety and YOUR safety - and time apart doesn't meet that.
And this:
proves that he didn't hear the "time apart" as no contact either.
You say you can't go to your best friend who knows the whole situation, you can't go to your family's... How about other friends? They don't have to know all of the sordid details. Just enough to keep them safe, and that you need a place to stay while you find your own place and get away from your ex. I know that asking for help can be so hard. Can you think about it for a bit, even if you don't feel up to asking other friends right now?
If your family doesn't feel safe around him, it also means they don't feel it's safe for you to be around him.
It look a while of me being away from AXH before my family trusted that I wouldn't go right back to him. And, honestly, it's taken therapy and time to start getting my thinking straightened out. I think I've reached a mindset now where they wouldn't collectively bite their tongue if I started talking about a going to dinner with a guy.
And with kindness, it was stuff like this:
Originally Posted by Jane11
He messaged me and I messaged him saying I would like some time apart
And this:
Originally Posted by Jane11
he has told her I am saying I want the time apart but I don't I'm just buying time, I won't go no contact
You say you can't go to your best friend who knows the whole situation, you can't go to your family's... How about other friends? They don't have to know all of the sordid details. Just enough to keep them safe, and that you need a place to stay while you find your own place and get away from your ex. I know that asking for help can be so hard. Can you think about it for a bit, even if you don't feel up to asking other friends right now?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Jane, this can be YOUR bottom, if you let it be. Just as an alcoholic hugs their addiction as if it were their best friend and only salvation, you are clinging to this addiction for your xbf.
Just like an alcoholic, your family and friends are now looking at your actions, not your words. While you say that you don't want to see him, you are worrying about him, focusing on whether he got your messages or not, fixated on whether he is alive and healthy or not. This tells your family and friends that your focus is still on him, not on you and not on them.
You are between a rock and a hard place, and you need to decide whose side you will take - yours or his.
Therapy will help you. Your therapist will let you tell your story AND will begin to focus you on why you and your health and well being are not the center of your story and your life right now.
You will be ok when you let go of him permanently and as they say here, "don't let him rent space in your mind".
He is an adult and has the right to live as he chooses, even if you and we and others think it is a very destructive unhealthy path. Once you accord him the dignity of his right to make his own decisions and choose his own path, whether or not it is frightening to those around him, then you will be free.
Try reading CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie. It will give you lots of insight.
I know it is tough, I've been there. It is like climbing up the stairs, afraid of heights, afraid of falling, and then getting to the diving board way off up there in the sky, by yourself, when you can't trust your strength to jump into a new life.
Do it. You can trust yourself. You will be ok.
Take this or leave it, it was written with great empathy and concern for YOUR well being.
ShootingStar1
Just like an alcoholic, your family and friends are now looking at your actions, not your words. While you say that you don't want to see him, you are worrying about him, focusing on whether he got your messages or not, fixated on whether he is alive and healthy or not. This tells your family and friends that your focus is still on him, not on you and not on them.
You are between a rock and a hard place, and you need to decide whose side you will take - yours or his.
Therapy will help you. Your therapist will let you tell your story AND will begin to focus you on why you and your health and well being are not the center of your story and your life right now.
You will be ok when you let go of him permanently and as they say here, "don't let him rent space in your mind".
He is an adult and has the right to live as he chooses, even if you and we and others think it is a very destructive unhealthy path. Once you accord him the dignity of his right to make his own decisions and choose his own path, whether or not it is frightening to those around him, then you will be free.
Try reading CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie. It will give you lots of insight.
I know it is tough, I've been there. It is like climbing up the stairs, afraid of heights, afraid of falling, and then getting to the diving board way off up there in the sky, by yourself, when you can't trust your strength to jump into a new life.
Do it. You can trust yourself. You will be ok.
Take this or leave it, it was written with great empathy and concern for YOUR well being.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
I left last night but my relative came and got me back. We talked about me seeing a councillor and I agreed we will look into this today.
I feel so ungrateful that I have people I love who want to help me and all I can think about is him and how I want to help him and that he has a terrible life and nobody to help him.
I've gone back to where I was 6 months ago. It hurts physically and mentally. I feel terrible I look terrible. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go back to him but I want to run back to him.
I cut contact on messages with this so he emailed me last night- I ignored it.
He has sent me a pm through social media this morning- I haven't responded. I want to respond and reiterate the same thing I told him over messages but is it even worth it and I also know that he will maybe tell my sister I have contacted him again and the rules of me being here were no contact.
Why do I feel I need to keep repeating to him that I love him and his life doesn't have to be this way? Why do I miss a man who brought so much misery to my life?
Am I best to just now not respond. The relative I am staying with told me that he told her he loves me so much what can he do to make it right- but it's just words I've heard it before and he knows what he can do to put it right- get help.
I feel as if I'm not at a point of accepting this is the end I just see it as a break from the contact but as you've said above it can't be that way it has to be the end. How could I work on getting over this and then look him up in 3 or 6 months time- that would set me right back. But at this point I just don't see how it can be the end, done, over.
I am broken
I feel so ungrateful that I have people I love who want to help me and all I can think about is him and how I want to help him and that he has a terrible life and nobody to help him.
I've gone back to where I was 6 months ago. It hurts physically and mentally. I feel terrible I look terrible. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go back to him but I want to run back to him.
I cut contact on messages with this so he emailed me last night- I ignored it.
He has sent me a pm through social media this morning- I haven't responded. I want to respond and reiterate the same thing I told him over messages but is it even worth it and I also know that he will maybe tell my sister I have contacted him again and the rules of me being here were no contact.
Why do I feel I need to keep repeating to him that I love him and his life doesn't have to be this way? Why do I miss a man who brought so much misery to my life?
Am I best to just now not respond. The relative I am staying with told me that he told her he loves me so much what can he do to make it right- but it's just words I've heard it before and he knows what he can do to put it right- get help.
I feel as if I'm not at a point of accepting this is the end I just see it as a break from the contact but as you've said above it can't be that way it has to be the end. How could I work on getting over this and then look him up in 3 or 6 months time- that would set me right back. But at this point I just don't see how it can be the end, done, over.
I am broken
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by Jane11
I feel as if I'm not at a point of accepting this is the end I just see it as a break from the contact but as you've said above it can't be that way it has to be the end. How could I work on getting over this and then look him up in 3 or 6 months time- that would set me right back. But at this point I just don't see how it can be the end, done, over.
I am broken
What is clear, I think to you as well, is that you need some help right now. You need some guidance to lift you out of your depression. In truth you can't be of help to him in the mental state that you are in - a very depressed person and an active addict is a terrible mix. What happens in 3 - 6 months is not of importance. Today is important. Take projection out of the equation and focus on yourself. In 3 - 6 months if contacting him is something that you want to do then under the guidance of a therapist is the way it should be done.
Its not possible for you to think in these terms, but in 3 - 6 months you may not want to contact him. Looking at this through the eyes of the depression you are in will not be the same as when you take back control of your life.
I'm sorry for your pain, I have been there. Small steps - gotta pick yourself back up. You can do this. We are here for you!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by Jane11
I want to respond and reiterate the same thing I told him over messages but is it even worth it and I also know that he will maybe tell my sister I have contacted him again and the rules of me being here were no contact.
The guy was nothing like AXH: no addictions, sweet, attentive. But he wouldn't back off when I asked him to. Instead, he proposed marriage and texted and PM'd me constantly about how much he needed me, that I was confusing him with AXH, that..... and on and on. He'd switch from accusing me of taking my problems with AXH out on him or treating him like *$@^ to sweet nothings in the blink of an eye and back again. My phone was a symphony of dings and alert tones.
If he said something I felt I had to defend myself from and I responded, he took it as "I want to keep talking with you," and the number of texts from him would escalate. Even when I sent him texts or PM's like "This is the last time I'll respond: Please leave me alone," he took it as "I will keep talking to you." Any contact I made with him, he took as a sign that I was willing to engage with him, to give him attention, that he just had to keep pushing buttons and eventually I would respond.
In order to get him to back off, I had to stop taking the bait. I felt horrible not responding. I thought I was being so rude to this guy, who really was so, so sweet. In reality, my thinking was still messed up. I had asked him to back off and instead of doing so, he kept pushing. He disregarded my request, my needs, and I thought he was being sweet.
And like Redatlanta mentioned: You don't have to think this is the end right now. You just have to take it month by month, day by day, hour by hour if you need to. Whatever you need to be able to get the space you need to see a bit more clearly.
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