Found husband at flebag motel
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Mylaststraw 
My own mirror.? I'm not the one who sniffs drugs, drink a 12pack a day and hangs out with "dope heads". I'm raising my kids practically on my own.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Mylaststraw
His previous detox places he was not allowed to make phone calls. He says that some of the other patients do not have jobs and one is homeless. I'm not sure if this is the place for him?
And it is a lot of work to get sober. A tremendous amount of work. Rehab is only the beginning. When he's out, and he's left to his own devices, that's when the rubber hits the road. No one can do that work for him.
What he's going to have to do, in this place or any other place, is to keep the focus on himself. Your job, as I see it, is to keep the focus on you and your children.
Enjoy the rest of your evening, and I hope your husband begins the process of healing himself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Mls,
It's great that you got him into detox. What I think I am missing in all of this is how are you doing? I remember going thru the worst in my marriage, and most of the time, I never really sat down to ask myself "how are you doing". I became so wrapped up in trying to take care of every thing on my own that I lost "me".
Did you take any time today so that you can relax. So you can remember that you are a person, and that you need care also.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
It's great that you got him into detox. What I think I am missing in all of this is how are you doing? I remember going thru the worst in my marriage, and most of the time, I never really sat down to ask myself "how are you doing". I became so wrapped up in trying to take care of every thing on my own that I lost "me".
Did you take any time today so that you can relax. So you can remember that you are a person, and that you need care also.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 57
Amy, today I focused on the different half way houses that are located in our community. I think he will have to go to one for 60 days before I allow him home. I bought some new drug tests for my son (and him) and plan on making my house a drug free and alcohol free zone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I can see that you are doing the best that you can now, and you are planning on taking action, did you think about how to keep that boundary about a drug, alcohol free house?
How old is your son?
amy
oh, btw, I think a halfway house is a really good option
How old is your son?
amy
oh, btw, I think a halfway house is a really good option
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Mylaststraw
Amy, today I focused on the different half way houses that are located in our community. I think he will have to go to one for 60 days before I allow him home. I bought some new drug tests for my son (and him) and plan on making my house a drug free and alcohol free zone.
There's some serious issues ya got goin on. Seriously deep fears. It's all through your posts.
I hope and pray ya get out of denial about the problems you have.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Ok, I realize that might be a hard question. "What did you do for you today"? I don't think I could have answered that question either. My mind was never really focused on me. Most days I don't think I took a shower or even ate. I'm just saying where I was at, I am not assuming that this is where you are at.
I already told you I had the "disappearing husband". He left whenever he wanted to, and came back whenever he wanted to. We didn't have a key for the house. We just used the electronic garage door opener to get into the house. When he would leave, I would start locking all of the doors, so that he couldn't get back in. He broke the basement window to get back in, then he started to unlock some of the windows on the first floor to get back in, I discovered that, so I locked them also, then he started to unlock the windows on the second floor, and he would leave a ladder outside. I found that out also.
I'm just telling you this to see if you came up with a Plan B. Okay he can go to a halfway house, or he can refuse to. Legally you cannot stop him from coming home. That is why I asked how would you keep that boundary with drug testing? Do you have a Plan?
I started doing things for myself, you know, just those "me" things, so I can enjoy something, perhaps 4 days after he left. That was really still too long, but I just want you to know that I do understand.
We can help you with boundaries here, and we can also help you with learning how to put yourself first for once.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
I already told you I had the "disappearing husband". He left whenever he wanted to, and came back whenever he wanted to. We didn't have a key for the house. We just used the electronic garage door opener to get into the house. When he would leave, I would start locking all of the doors, so that he couldn't get back in. He broke the basement window to get back in, then he started to unlock some of the windows on the first floor to get back in, I discovered that, so I locked them also, then he started to unlock the windows on the second floor, and he would leave a ladder outside. I found that out also.
I'm just telling you this to see if you came up with a Plan B. Okay he can go to a halfway house, or he can refuse to. Legally you cannot stop him from coming home. That is why I asked how would you keep that boundary with drug testing? Do you have a Plan?
I started doing things for myself, you know, just those "me" things, so I can enjoy something, perhaps 4 days after he left. That was really still too long, but I just want you to know that I do understand.
We can help you with boundaries here, and we can also help you with learning how to put yourself first for once.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
MLS-please read Melanie Beatie's "Codependant no more". You can probably find it at your local library or bookstore, or if you have a device you can read books on, you could buy and download an electronic copy Tonite.
I think it will help you a lot with your husband and your son.
I resisted wanting to read it at first, because I didn't like the label or the implication that there was something wrong with me. But it was recommended a lot and I figured I didn't have anything to lose. There was a lot in the book I didn't relate to but there was also a lot I did relate to.
Addiction is like an infectious disease-and as 1 person goes down hard with it (your husband) it starts to spread and take down the people around them. And the symptoms are different in everyone. Right now your son is going down the addict road and you are on the Codependant road. Your other kids are also infected and only time will tell how their symptoms will be expressed in the future. This is NOT your fault-you just happened to be in the proximity and wake of a serious, spiraling addict, and this is what has happened to you.
You didn't CAUSE what is happening to any of you, BUT, you CAN save yourself and maybe spare your littles further damage. IF you take action to SAVE YOURSELF, there is a good chance you will improve your little's future, maybe your older son will turn things around, and who knows about your husband. IF YOU DO NOT TAKE ACTION TO TAKE CARE IF YOURSELF AND "SAVE" yourself, your littles will turnout like your son and husband and you will remain in this chaotic state of mind that led you to the moniker of "MY LAST STRAW".
Nothing changes if nothing changes is not entirely accurate. In your case, if you don't change you, things will get worse.
Please read the book I recommended. Read the Stickies here, read 100 threads on Friends and family here and under substance abuse, and read threads from alcoholics and addicts. Go to CR/AA, and get with a skilled therapist who has experience with addiction, and find support for your littles as well.
We wouldn't take the time to post here if we didn't care about you and your littles. PLEASE use the time your husband is away to learn about this disease, what is does to families, and how you-the non-drinker-can do so many things to take back control in your and your littles lives.
I think it will help you a lot with your husband and your son.
I resisted wanting to read it at first, because I didn't like the label or the implication that there was something wrong with me. But it was recommended a lot and I figured I didn't have anything to lose. There was a lot in the book I didn't relate to but there was also a lot I did relate to.
Addiction is like an infectious disease-and as 1 person goes down hard with it (your husband) it starts to spread and take down the people around them. And the symptoms are different in everyone. Right now your son is going down the addict road and you are on the Codependant road. Your other kids are also infected and only time will tell how their symptoms will be expressed in the future. This is NOT your fault-you just happened to be in the proximity and wake of a serious, spiraling addict, and this is what has happened to you.
You didn't CAUSE what is happening to any of you, BUT, you CAN save yourself and maybe spare your littles further damage. IF you take action to SAVE YOURSELF, there is a good chance you will improve your little's future, maybe your older son will turn things around, and who knows about your husband. IF YOU DO NOT TAKE ACTION TO TAKE CARE IF YOURSELF AND "SAVE" yourself, your littles will turnout like your son and husband and you will remain in this chaotic state of mind that led you to the moniker of "MY LAST STRAW".
Nothing changes if nothing changes is not entirely accurate. In your case, if you don't change you, things will get worse.
Please read the book I recommended. Read the Stickies here, read 100 threads on Friends and family here and under substance abuse, and read threads from alcoholics and addicts. Go to CR/AA, and get with a skilled therapist who has experience with addiction, and find support for your littles as well.
We wouldn't take the time to post here if we didn't care about you and your littles. PLEASE use the time your husband is away to learn about this disease, what is does to families, and how you-the non-drinker-can do so many things to take back control in your and your littles lives.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 57
Amy, plan B, calls for various drug tests and alcohol breathaylzers. If he fails either, I will ask him to leave. That is my boundary. My son has not smoked pot in over 6 months with random drug tests. I figure it will work the same with my husband. I believe that "busting the addict" will help my husband. It's been a game of cat and mouse but I believe I will get him sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Mls, you can't keep him sober. I know. I'm an RA. Nothing could keep me sober but me.
You can ask them to leave the house, but what if he (they) refuse?
Do you know how many self help books I read trying to change him. The books didn't work until I used them for what they were intended, they were intended to help me.
I am glad that you are sticking around here and perhaps reading some of the threads. I think I told you that I had joined an abuse forum, and I really didn't like what they were telling me, they all kept telling me that I can't change him. I thought, well, of course I can, I love him and he loves me. I stopped posting there, and I isolated myself somemore, but I never stopped reading there.
Can I ask you to do something? I know how stuck I felt I was financially. While he is at detox, can you look into a few things, like what is the equity in your house. How much is in your bank accounts, IRA's, 401 plans, where are you financially. This may ease your mind if the worst thing happens. Sometimes I think it is better to know these things.
Also, can you do one thing for yourself tomorrow, even if it is just getting pizza or chinese food instead of cooking.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
there for you.
You can ask them to leave the house, but what if he (they) refuse?
Do you know how many self help books I read trying to change him. The books didn't work until I used them for what they were intended, they were intended to help me.
I am glad that you are sticking around here and perhaps reading some of the threads. I think I told you that I had joined an abuse forum, and I really didn't like what they were telling me, they all kept telling me that I can't change him. I thought, well, of course I can, I love him and he loves me. I stopped posting there, and I isolated myself somemore, but I never stopped reading there.
Can I ask you to do something? I know how stuck I felt I was financially. While he is at detox, can you look into a few things, like what is the equity in your house. How much is in your bank accounts, IRA's, 401 plans, where are you financially. This may ease your mind if the worst thing happens. Sometimes I think it is better to know these things.
Also, can you do one thing for yourself tomorrow, even if it is just getting pizza or chinese food instead of cooking.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
there for you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MLS.....I am here to tell you that all of us...ALL of us...are Creatures of God. We all have souls and we were all created equal. The ones with jobs--or without. Those who are homeless or not. Those who are privileged and those who are hungry and the afflicted.
Those who are addicted (alcohol or heroine included). Those who are morally lost. the washed and the unwashed.
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US.
dandylion
Those who are addicted (alcohol or heroine included). Those who are morally lost. the washed and the unwashed.
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I would concentrate on your boundaries, that is something you can control. Just because you ask him to leave doesn't mean he will. So in the event he won't leave, are you prepared to leave, do you have a place to go?
I have seen so many women here dependent on their husband's income, and frankly, they end up between a rock and a hard place, struggling to make ends meet.
if i were walking in your shoes today, I would be looking for a job.
MLS, the only person that can get your husband sober is your husband. Busting the Addict not sure that has a very high success rate.
From personal experience, expectations lead to huge disappointment.
I have seen so many women here dependent on their husband's income, and frankly, they end up between a rock and a hard place, struggling to make ends meet.
if i were walking in your shoes today, I would be looking for a job.
MLS, the only person that can get your husband sober is your husband. Busting the Addict not sure that has a very high success rate.
From personal experience, expectations lead to huge disappointment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 57
[QUOTE=dandylion;5150830]MLS.....I am here to tell you that all of us...ALL of us...are Creatures of God. We all have souls and we were all created equal. The ones with jobs--or without. Those who are homeless or not. Those who are privileged and those who are hungry and the afflicted.
Those who are addicted (alcohol or heroine included). Those who are morally lost. the washed and the unwashed.
Regardless, I don't see how my husband will benefit from being housed with homeless people. My husband makes very good money. I would like to see him attend Hazelton or Betty Ford rehab. I've been told those are the best ones.
Those who are addicted (alcohol or heroine included). Those who are morally lost. the washed and the unwashed.
Regardless, I don't see how my husband will benefit from being housed with homeless people. My husband makes very good money. I would like to see him attend Hazelton or Betty Ford rehab. I've been told those are the best ones.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
"Regardless, I don't see how my husband will benefit from being housed with homeless people. My husband makes very good money. I would like to see him attend Hazelton or Betty Ford rehab. I've been told those are the best ones."
Wow.
I'm kind of stunned by the elitist attitude.
There is a good chance your husband may well end up being one of those homeless people if he doesn't want to stop using drugs/alcohol.
Does your husband want to get off alcohol and heroin and whatever else?
Because unless he has a burning desire down deep in his soul to stop using, and fierce determination to fight the battle, the best rehab in the world isn't going to be enough.
Wow.
I'm kind of stunned by the elitist attitude.
There is a good chance your husband may well end up being one of those homeless people if he doesn't want to stop using drugs/alcohol.
Does your husband want to get off alcohol and heroin and whatever else?
Because unless he has a burning desire down deep in his soul to stop using, and fierce determination to fight the battle, the best rehab in the world isn't going to be enough.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
There really aren't any best detox or rehabs. It depends on the state of mind the person has at that time. Actually I think the country club type ones may actually hurt more. I think sometimes you need to see where your life is going. It's going down the toilet.
I do hope that you really do know that I am here for you. Put that picture back in your head again when you found him in that fleabag hotel. Sometimes I think they (we, me) need to sink before we can swim.
So, are you going to order out tomorrow, or go out to eat with the kids? Make it a special day for you.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I do hope that you really do know that I am here for you. Put that picture back in your head again when you found him in that fleabag hotel. Sometimes I think they (we, me) need to sink before we can swim.
So, are you going to order out tomorrow, or go out to eat with the kids? Make it a special day for you.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LastStraw....the Salvation Army has some of the best rehab program success in the country.
They take people just like your husband. Many of their clients had it all--had the castle on the hill. And--lost it all. Ended up in the gutter (or seedy hotels).
Addiction doesn't give a sXXX where a person comes from or what their current salary is.
Because it can take them all down. It can destroy anyone.
dandylion
***do you know how many people on this forum have been or are homeless? What is wrong with homeless people?
They take people just like your husband. Many of their clients had it all--had the castle on the hill. And--lost it all. Ended up in the gutter (or seedy hotels).
Addiction doesn't give a sXXX where a person comes from or what their current salary is.
Because it can take them all down. It can destroy anyone.
dandylion
***do you know how many people on this forum have been or are homeless? What is wrong with homeless people?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I have another story of mine for you. My ex had disappeared for a really long time. I think it was about 2 months that time, perhaps 3. I told you I was an RA. I was doing really good when he left. I stopped drinking about 2 days after he left, I went on a diet, started exercising, starting taking care of myself, started to go out again. ( I isolated a lot ). He came back home. Fight started immediately. I went out and picked up some beer. I just couldnt deal with things anymore. He was drunk when he came home.
I tried to talk to him, or to detach from him, to walk away from him, it didn't work. He threw a cup at me. It gave me an inch gash under my eye. I couldn't stop the bleeding. I really needed stitches. I refused because this would have been his second DV arrest.
So my eye is swollen shut, with a big gash under it. I still have that scar. My son came home from college that weekend. I was instructed to lie for him. To say that I was getting something off of a shelf, and something fell on me and that's what happened to my eye. I went along with that.
My son left.
My ex started with me immediately. He said to me, and this is something that I will never forget ----------------- Just because I did that to you, do you think that is going to make me stay with you and love you? That hit me really hard. Is that what I was doing? I thought to myself, I am a very attractive woman, and I'm making someone stay with me, and hoping they will love me? Am I not worth more then that?
It was the turning point for me. I didn't want to "make" anyone stay with me, and I didn't want to "make" anyone love me. What would that say about me. I was worth more then that, wasn't I?
My ex never wanted to put in the effort, and I just cut him loose. I was worth more then that.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
I tried to talk to him, or to detach from him, to walk away from him, it didn't work. He threw a cup at me. It gave me an inch gash under my eye. I couldn't stop the bleeding. I really needed stitches. I refused because this would have been his second DV arrest.
So my eye is swollen shut, with a big gash under it. I still have that scar. My son came home from college that weekend. I was instructed to lie for him. To say that I was getting something off of a shelf, and something fell on me and that's what happened to my eye. I went along with that.
My son left.
My ex started with me immediately. He said to me, and this is something that I will never forget ----------------- Just because I did that to you, do you think that is going to make me stay with you and love you? That hit me really hard. Is that what I was doing? I thought to myself, I am a very attractive woman, and I'm making someone stay with me, and hoping they will love me? Am I not worth more then that?
It was the turning point for me. I didn't want to "make" anyone stay with me, and I didn't want to "make" anyone love me. What would that say about me. I was worth more then that, wasn't I?
My ex never wanted to put in the effort, and I just cut him loose. I was worth more then that.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
As a person (nurse) that has worked with & for the mentally ill/addicted and homeless population, I'm pretty offended here on this thread.
I hope everything turns out as you hope it will, mylaststraw, I won't be visiting this thread any longer.
I hope everything turns out as you hope it will, mylaststraw, I won't be visiting this thread any longer.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Frankly, I don't want him housed with homeless people.
Addiction doesn't discriminate by socioeconomic factors. Poor people, wealthy people, daft and the very intelligent. Addiction gets people of all walks of life and usually the path of addiction is the same regardless of the person's financial background or current standing.
Your husband needs to try some kind of treatment and truthfully, it would be MUCH more effective if you just told him to figure it out himself so you can take some time to de-stress from the messes he's created in YOUR life. I think that's what everyone is trying to stress with the "what about YOU" comments and questions.
Not only can you NOT get him sober (we've all been there and tried it and failed) you will not be able to keep him sober. You can thank Free Will for that. Your husband is an adult. If he wants to get drunk or get high, he's going to do it. And because he's an addict he is going to lie about it and do some really shady stuff until HE DECIDES that he's ready to stop. There generally are no threats great enough. Your best bet is to give him the dignity to see that he needs to clean up his act or he's going to face the very real consequence of losing his family. How is he going to lose his family if you keep protecting him and trying to fight his battle for him?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
