The next cycle of abuse
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
The next cycle of abuse
When I have to liaise with XH over arrangements I get a pit in my stomach because I'm always on guard for the next round of mental abuse thrown at me.
As you know we now have a court order in place after our final court hearing over custody issues.
I am sticking to the black & white order & following everything on the order.
I don't think XH has really read the order correctly & keeps trying to defer from it.
Just last week he told our daughter he has them at a particular date & tried to show her the order but it simply is incorrect.
Unfortunately I had to liaise yesterday because we did not have a pick up or drop off point listed in our order for Christmas/Boxing day which is shared between us.
We did this with no problem but then he asks if he has them on the particular date/weekend that he told our daughter he had as he wasn't sure.
I said he didn't.
Now today I get an email raving on about the arrangement is stupid, how the girls miss out & how it is unfair & not what they want & then blames me by saying it is my choice to have it this way & its what I wanted.
Excuse me?
Just last week he is telling me that he is so happy with the outcome of the order because in the eyes of the tax dept he has shared care so won't have to pay me.
Just so you know , neither of us got what we wanted. I accept that. That's what happens when you go through a court process & the judge decides for you. I didn't start the court process & I offered ways where he would've got most of what he wanted but he kept stamping his mark on petty little things & wouldn't agree so it ended in a court hearing.
Yet I am to blame.
I am strong enough to not reply to his personal attacks despite having a lengthy email reply in my head.
I am over being treated like this.
I've been separated for 8 years.
Every time he abuses me I feel yuck.
I won't give in & reply to him though because then he will know he has hurt me yet again. It is better to not reply & take my power back.
Needed to vent.
Need to be free from all this................
As you know we now have a court order in place after our final court hearing over custody issues.
I am sticking to the black & white order & following everything on the order.
I don't think XH has really read the order correctly & keeps trying to defer from it.
Just last week he told our daughter he has them at a particular date & tried to show her the order but it simply is incorrect.
Unfortunately I had to liaise yesterday because we did not have a pick up or drop off point listed in our order for Christmas/Boxing day which is shared between us.
We did this with no problem but then he asks if he has them on the particular date/weekend that he told our daughter he had as he wasn't sure.
I said he didn't.
Now today I get an email raving on about the arrangement is stupid, how the girls miss out & how it is unfair & not what they want & then blames me by saying it is my choice to have it this way & its what I wanted.
Excuse me?
Just last week he is telling me that he is so happy with the outcome of the order because in the eyes of the tax dept he has shared care so won't have to pay me.
Just so you know , neither of us got what we wanted. I accept that. That's what happens when you go through a court process & the judge decides for you. I didn't start the court process & I offered ways where he would've got most of what he wanted but he kept stamping his mark on petty little things & wouldn't agree so it ended in a court hearing.
Yet I am to blame.
I am strong enough to not reply to his personal attacks despite having a lengthy email reply in my head.
I am over being treated like this.
I've been separated for 8 years.
Every time he abuses me I feel yuck.
I won't give in & reply to him though because then he will know he has hurt me yet again. It is better to not reply & take my power back.
Needed to vent.
Need to be free from all this................
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I thought I was handling this well.
Then I get another email from XH stating that his lawyer has explained the clause in our order & he is demanding another 3 or 4 days with the children.
I have already given him the extra weekend on 11th-14th Dec & he refused an extra day.
I also liaised in advance over these days & he just abused me & wouldn't respond with any reasonable offers.
I've had enough.
I broke into tears through stress alone then pulled myself together & have contact my lawyer & asked her to contact his lawyer. I have sent her the emails of my efforts trying to liaise also.
I had already spoken to my lawyer previously about these additional days to double check with her.
I don't think XH has really given his lawyer all the information.
This is ridiculous.
I have been through a year and a half of court processes & hoped once order was final it would cut out all this abuse & unstability for the children over holiday periods.
Nothing has changed.
It's the same year in & year out.
Can't take much more.
Then I get another email from XH stating that his lawyer has explained the clause in our order & he is demanding another 3 or 4 days with the children.
I have already given him the extra weekend on 11th-14th Dec & he refused an extra day.
I also liaised in advance over these days & he just abused me & wouldn't respond with any reasonable offers.
I've had enough.
I broke into tears through stress alone then pulled myself together & have contact my lawyer & asked her to contact his lawyer. I have sent her the emails of my efforts trying to liaise also.
I had already spoken to my lawyer previously about these additional days to double check with her.
I don't think XH has really given his lawyer all the information.
This is ridiculous.
I have been through a year and a half of court processes & hoped once order was final it would cut out all this abuse & unstability for the children over holiday periods.
Nothing has changed.
It's the same year in & year out.
Can't take much more.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 230
((hugs)) Rosie. I haven't had to deal with these issues (yet?) and while I don't have any advice I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone and your vent is heard.
Sounds like you are doing the best you can. I can't imagine being separated for 8 years and still having so many unresolved issues.
Hang in there sweetheart!!!
Sounds like you are doing the best you can. I can't imagine being separated for 8 years and still having so many unresolved issues.
Hang in there sweetheart!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Dealing with an alcoholic is really like dealing with a toddler. Half the time I think the reason my hair is thin is I pulled so much of it out in the custody proceedings.
My only advice would be don't negotiate with him. Do what you're doing, stick to the black and white, and if he wants to take you back to court (I doubt he will), let him try. At least in the state I lived, you had to fulfill certain conditions in order to file for modification of custody, and "I don't like the custody order we got the last time" isn't one of those conditions.
He's blowing smoke and stomping and throwing a tantrum. Let your lawyer handle it with his lawyer. My money's on his lawyer saying "you're out of your mind" and firing your ex.
My only advice would be don't negotiate with him. Do what you're doing, stick to the black and white, and if he wants to take you back to court (I doubt he will), let him try. At least in the state I lived, you had to fulfill certain conditions in order to file for modification of custody, and "I don't like the custody order we got the last time" isn't one of those conditions.
He's blowing smoke and stomping and throwing a tantrum. Let your lawyer handle it with his lawyer. My money's on his lawyer saying "you're out of your mind" and firing your ex.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree with lillamy. Stick to it in black and white and completely ignore all the rest. My X had those little fits in the beginning. Once he realized I was not going to engage it pretty much stopped.
For him, it was a way to maintain control over me. When he realized that would not work, he pretty much let it go. Now, that is not to say that issues don't come up, they do. It's far from perfect. However for the most part the ranting texts have stopped.
For him, it was a way to maintain control over me. When he realized that would not work, he pretty much let it go. Now, that is not to say that issues don't come up, they do. It's far from perfect. However for the most part the ranting texts have stopped.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Rosie, you know the agreement backwards. Whatever he demands, if it's not in the agreement then 'no'. You don't need to explain. You've given him an extra weekend, and now he's chipping away.
In practice, even if his warped mind feels he's entitled to those days, what can he do about it?
So sorry you're having to deal with this nonsense, and that it's getting to you.
In practice, even if his warped mind feels he's entitled to those days, what can he do about it?
So sorry you're having to deal with this nonsense, and that it's getting to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
My lawyer came back to me & said that the case is now closed & so is the allocated money so she can't help me anymore.
She advised to carry on as I am as I'm doing all the right things & that he will always be difficult to deal with.
So I'm on my own again.
I sent an email explaining he had had his additional weekend & I am expecting the children back as per our order on 26th Dec 1pm.
Of course there is the chance he won't turn up with them in which case I will be forced to go to the police which is not nice for the children.
On the other hand he may go to his lawyer & if she finds out he's already had his additional weekend she may advise there's nothing he can do.
Who knows.
All I know is I am very stressed again at this time of year which happens every year.
She advised to carry on as I am as I'm doing all the right things & that he will always be difficult to deal with.
So I'm on my own again.
I sent an email explaining he had had his additional weekend & I am expecting the children back as per our order on 26th Dec 1pm.
Of course there is the chance he won't turn up with them in which case I will be forced to go to the police which is not nice for the children.
On the other hand he may go to his lawyer & if she finds out he's already had his additional weekend she may advise there's nothing he can do.
Who knows.
All I know is I am very stressed again at this time of year which happens every year.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
quit liaising. stick to the terms of the agreement, period. you CAN make this less difficult by not taking whatever bluster he yaps so personally. its what he does....he's like wind, doesn't have a particular destination, just blows and blows and blows.
he wants more days? too bad. don't offer EXTRA days. don't bargain. don't trade days. don't EXPECT him to "come 'round" and suddenlyplan nice. stick to the script. do not engage. one word answers.
he wants more days? too bad. don't offer EXTRA days. don't bargain. don't trade days. don't EXPECT him to "come 'round" and suddenlyplan nice. stick to the script. do not engage. one word answers.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I'm "looking forward" to a joint meeting with my ex and my attorney in a few weeks over a bankruptcy I'm trying to file.
My ex is so squirrelly right now, it could get really interesting.
Thanks to all you folks for the "toddler" imagery and sticking to the "black and white." I'll remember this when we meet.
My ex is so squirrelly right now, it could get really interesting.
Thanks to all you folks for the "toddler" imagery and sticking to the "black and white." I'll remember this when we meet.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Anvil I had to liaise as our new order does not state a collection/pick up venue for Christmas Day & boxing day & I needed to know this.
He asked me if then if he had the additional weekend on the 28th Dec, I replied no.
Then it got nasty.
The fact that our new order in the Christmas holidays is wide open with the need to communicate is not what I wanted & what I tried to stress in hearing but is not how the judge has ordered it.
The fact that he is threatening to have the children when he has no right to them leaves me in a difficult position if he does not turn up with the kids.
I try very hard not to liaise & only do so when absolutely necessary.
The rest of the year I don't have to communicate with him as it is all black and white but Xmas hols is a different story.
He asked me if then if he had the additional weekend on the 28th Dec, I replied no.
Then it got nasty.
The fact that our new order in the Christmas holidays is wide open with the need to communicate is not what I wanted & what I tried to stress in hearing but is not how the judge has ordered it.
The fact that he is threatening to have the children when he has no right to them leaves me in a difficult position if he does not turn up with the kids.
I try very hard not to liaise & only do so when absolutely necessary.
The rest of the year I don't have to communicate with him as it is all black and white but Xmas hols is a different story.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I totally and completely relate to your situation, as my xah does the same kind of nonsense. Every visit with the children has to have some major drama that he creates and we get dragged through.
I would prepare your children, let them know what the plan is and that there might be unavoidable challenges about different pick up date interpretations.
The best thing you can do right now is seize the day, have fun, play, meditate, get out with friends. Whatever works for you to diminish the effect your ex is having on you right now. You empower him when you let him get to you.
I know it is super hard. (((hugs)))
I would prepare your children, let them know what the plan is and that there might be unavoidable challenges about different pick up date interpretations.
The best thing you can do right now is seize the day, have fun, play, meditate, get out with friends. Whatever works for you to diminish the effect your ex is having on you right now. You empower him when you let him get to you.
I know it is super hard. (((hugs)))
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So the drama continues.....
So the email contact continues.
XH still arguing about the additional time.
I had a think.
I normally keep short & calm & factual.
I sent an email explaining how he had the additional time already, dates, my attempts to liaise over this, dates etc etc.
I know it is not my job to explain this to him but as my lawyer won't & I don't have any means to support myself I have simply said that I will not reply to any further emails on this matter unless it is through his lawyer.
He can do the work.
He can go to his lawyer for advise.
I'm happy to liaise with her but not him as I keep repeating myself & he still doesn't get it.
Why should I spend money on a lawyer. Throw the ball back in his court & make him take action if need be.
Am waiting for an ugly response which I am not going to reply to.
Taking my power back ....................
So the email contact continues.
XH still arguing about the additional time.
I had a think.
I normally keep short & calm & factual.
I sent an email explaining how he had the additional time already, dates, my attempts to liaise over this, dates etc etc.
I know it is not my job to explain this to him but as my lawyer won't & I don't have any means to support myself I have simply said that I will not reply to any further emails on this matter unless it is through his lawyer.
He can do the work.
He can go to his lawyer for advise.
I'm happy to liaise with her but not him as I keep repeating myself & he still doesn't get it.
Why should I spend money on a lawyer. Throw the ball back in his court & make him take action if need be.
Am waiting for an ugly response which I am not going to reply to.
Taking my power back ....................
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
So now the XH states the school holidays don't officially start until the 18th Dec. WTF?
Kids finished 11th & 12th dec! He knows that.
Then another email stating that hes been advised that only way to sort this is another court hearing & he will see me in court ps: merry Christmas.
Grrrrr.
I'm not letting this get to me at the moment.
He could just be bluffing.
If his lawyer contacts me or if he applies to the court nothing will happen for a while over Xmas & I have a heap of paperwork showing my will to negotiate alongside asking for legal advice.
It just never ends does it??
Kids finished 11th & 12th dec! He knows that.
Then another email stating that hes been advised that only way to sort this is another court hearing & he will see me in court ps: merry Christmas.
Grrrrr.
I'm not letting this get to me at the moment.
He could just be bluffing.
If his lawyer contacts me or if he applies to the court nothing will happen for a while over Xmas & I have a heap of paperwork showing my will to negotiate alongside asking for legal advice.
It just never ends does it??
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I sat down lastnight & made a running report for my records (and any authorities that may ask) of the email correspondence.
Would you believe I started trying to sort this all out with XH on 26th Nov.
I tried to liaise & arrange dates but all I got were personal comments & no agreements or suggestions on dates etc.
I have done everything right here.
I have followed the order despite him thinking I haven't.
There is a gray area in the crossover of the school holidays but because I tried to liaise over this then I'm sure I'm covered.
When I think back to last Christmas I was in this same situation, I'd advised my holiday time with the children & welcomed his response & dates he wanted them only to have a big blow up in the middle of the holidays once again making it unstable for the children.
This has been going on for 8 years (apart from the 2 he was abroad which was calm for us).
I don't need this stress at this time of the year where things are busy & Christmas is sposed to be peaceful & enjoyable.
Guess all I can do now is let go & let nature run it's course or my higher power to guide me to a better place.
So tired of the constant battle.
Would you believe I started trying to sort this all out with XH on 26th Nov.
I tried to liaise & arrange dates but all I got were personal comments & no agreements or suggestions on dates etc.
I have done everything right here.
I have followed the order despite him thinking I haven't.
There is a gray area in the crossover of the school holidays but because I tried to liaise over this then I'm sure I'm covered.
When I think back to last Christmas I was in this same situation, I'd advised my holiday time with the children & welcomed his response & dates he wanted them only to have a big blow up in the middle of the holidays once again making it unstable for the children.
This has been going on for 8 years (apart from the 2 he was abroad which was calm for us).
I don't need this stress at this time of the year where things are busy & Christmas is sposed to be peaceful & enjoyable.
Guess all I can do now is let go & let nature run it's course or my higher power to guide me to a better place.
So tired of the constant battle.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
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Scan a copy of the agreement, save as a pdf, and then send it in response to every text or email request he makes that diverges from the terms. Nothing else. Don't engage in any negotiations he attempts to initiate, don't try to explain to him how he is wrong, and don't give in to him in hopes it will make him happy enough to play nice in the future. It won't.
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POAndrea, that's a fantastic idea.
My lawyer is combining my interim order & holiday parental order into a final order today. It may take a few days to be closed off at court particularly given its Christmas. I corrected a few small errors but am happy with it. There was a clause in there that said parties could apply to court within 7 days & when I asked my lawyer to explain this clause she said she had removed it as it was now obsolete & that it cannot be taken back to court unless there are extreme circumstances or changes.
It can be taken to court however to apply for a warrant if someone doesn't hand kids over when they're sposed to.
I guess he could apply & say that I have breached the order but I know I haven't & I also have heaps of paperwork that proves I tried to liaise early on to avoid this very conflict. It also shows how uncooperative he's been.
So I would think that even if he applies to the court it won't go far anyway.
So now I can sit back & hopefully enjoy a good Christmas & holiday with the children knowing what my rights are & where I can go for help.
My stress levels are still very high so I can concentrate on getting them down.
My lawyer is combining my interim order & holiday parental order into a final order today. It may take a few days to be closed off at court particularly given its Christmas. I corrected a few small errors but am happy with it. There was a clause in there that said parties could apply to court within 7 days & when I asked my lawyer to explain this clause she said she had removed it as it was now obsolete & that it cannot be taken back to court unless there are extreme circumstances or changes.
It can be taken to court however to apply for a warrant if someone doesn't hand kids over when they're sposed to.
I guess he could apply & say that I have breached the order but I know I haven't & I also have heaps of paperwork that proves I tried to liaise early on to avoid this very conflict. It also shows how uncooperative he's been.
So I would think that even if he applies to the court it won't go far anyway.
So now I can sit back & hopefully enjoy a good Christmas & holiday with the children knowing what my rights are & where I can go for help.
My stress levels are still very high so I can concentrate on getting them down.
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