Things are different, but the same
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 38
Things are different, but the same
My ABF has been sober a little over a month now... No program... We are back together, I guess, after a 3 month break. He came to me, told me of his sobriety, which I NEVER expected (it's a first), and we just, naturally, slipped right back into being together. Things are good for the most part! But other things aren't so good, the same, just without the drink... I feel like I've waited my ENTIRE life for this! The problem with "this" is that it doesn't seem to b enough :-(
Without program, it's hard to know whether or not "this" is the recovering alcoholic without program or just the person. There is also damage here, within me, of course, issues that I feel can't even begin to be resolved with a recovering alcoholic with no program. We talk some about real issues, but not much, not near enough for real resolution. I don't know what to do... I don't want to give up so soon. There's no danger, no extreme anger, no eggshells, and we aren't stuck living together, in fact, I want him with me most of the time! But there's also no program, no commitment, no recovery. Things are different, but the same. I'm SO grateful for this choice he has made, and some days, that's ALL I am, grateful, and other days, when the truth reveals itself, when I'm forced to see the reality of the damage that has been done, damage that may never be repaired, I'm mad and sad, wondering, have I waited my ENTIRE life for this? Just to find out that "this" isn't gonna work, was never gonna work :-(
Please and Thanks
Without program, it's hard to know whether or not "this" is the recovering alcoholic without program or just the person. There is also damage here, within me, of course, issues that I feel can't even begin to be resolved with a recovering alcoholic with no program. We talk some about real issues, but not much, not near enough for real resolution. I don't know what to do... I don't want to give up so soon. There's no danger, no extreme anger, no eggshells, and we aren't stuck living together, in fact, I want him with me most of the time! But there's also no program, no commitment, no recovery. Things are different, but the same. I'm SO grateful for this choice he has made, and some days, that's ALL I am, grateful, and other days, when the truth reveals itself, when I'm forced to see the reality of the damage that has been done, damage that may never be repaired, I'm mad and sad, wondering, have I waited my ENTIRE life for this? Just to find out that "this" isn't gonna work, was never gonna work :-(
Please and Thanks
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Some people can steer themselves clear of drinking, without a program. Perhaps losing you was all it took to make him wanna live better for you. Keep working on communicating. It sounds like you MATTER in his life.
Now without the fog of alcohol, the rest may be more clear for him to see now too. Take little steps in trying to express your feelings.
Now without the fog of alcohol, the rest may be more clear for him to see now too. Take little steps in trying to express your feelings.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hey there, it's good to see you. it's good to hear that your bf isn't drinking at the moment....and I also hear your concerns about "is this as good as it gets?".
30 days sober is VERY early sobriety. a broken tibia can take 4 to 6 months to heal. if all you had was a view of the leg at 30 days, it would be considered pretty useless.....in a cast, possibly with pins holding the bones together, patient virtually immobized, hard to get around, etc. so now isn't the time to make any final determinations.....
There is also damage here, within me, of course, issues that I feel can't even begin to be resolved with a recovering alcoholic with no program.
au contraire, mon ami! you can start YOUR program at any time and work it like you wish HE would. you get to meetings, or counseling, or whatever program of healing you choose, and you do so regardless of what HE does. he can't fix you. nor is your recovery hinged upon HIM getting better. it may seem that way, but once you embark upon your own adventure, you will see that he is on his own path, as are you.
I wish you have nice holiday....good food, nice memories.
30 days sober is VERY early sobriety. a broken tibia can take 4 to 6 months to heal. if all you had was a view of the leg at 30 days, it would be considered pretty useless.....in a cast, possibly with pins holding the bones together, patient virtually immobized, hard to get around, etc. so now isn't the time to make any final determinations.....
There is also damage here, within me, of course, issues that I feel can't even begin to be resolved with a recovering alcoholic with no program.
au contraire, mon ami! you can start YOUR program at any time and work it like you wish HE would. you get to meetings, or counseling, or whatever program of healing you choose, and you do so regardless of what HE does. he can't fix you. nor is your recovery hinged upon HIM getting better. it may seem that way, but once you embark upon your own adventure, you will see that he is on his own path, as are you.
I wish you have nice holiday....good food, nice memories.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Waited your ENTIRE life for what? I'm not sure I follow. It doesn't sound like you're particularly happy in the relationship.
You know, sometimes I feel like I married my first husband (after he'd been sober for a year, and today he's been sober almost 35 years) because I felt I "owed it to him." We'd been through so much together, and I really did care deeply about him, but I felt weird as soon as we were married, and I never felt the "connection" to him I hoped I would feel. We were married for 15 years, we had two great kids, and no huge problems--except that I didn't feel that "connection."
I got married to another alcoholic (who went back to drinking) and then got into another, very unhealthy, relationship with a non-alcoholic. I felt a connection with them until, well, I just didn't any more.
I've been on indefinite relationship hiatus since the last relationship ended ten years ago. Maybe I'm just not the LTR-type, who knows? I do know that I felt more lonely in the relationships than I do living by myself.
You haven't said anything about what he seems to be lacking (other than a program) that makes you feel this way. It might not BE about the alcoholism. It might just be that you had a fantasy relationship in mind that you thought would appear when he got sober, but it didn't.
Was he already drinking alcoholically when you met him? If so, you haven't ever known the sober him, so maybe that was just your own wishful thinking.
It doesn't really make much difference, I don't think, if you don't feel the relationship is satisfying. You broke up once, maybe that was for the best and you should simply move on as if he hadn't ever turned back up all cleaned up and sober. You don't "owe" him anything just because he got sober. If it isn't working for you, that's reason enough to move on.
You know, sometimes I feel like I married my first husband (after he'd been sober for a year, and today he's been sober almost 35 years) because I felt I "owed it to him." We'd been through so much together, and I really did care deeply about him, but I felt weird as soon as we were married, and I never felt the "connection" to him I hoped I would feel. We were married for 15 years, we had two great kids, and no huge problems--except that I didn't feel that "connection."
I got married to another alcoholic (who went back to drinking) and then got into another, very unhealthy, relationship with a non-alcoholic. I felt a connection with them until, well, I just didn't any more.
I've been on indefinite relationship hiatus since the last relationship ended ten years ago. Maybe I'm just not the LTR-type, who knows? I do know that I felt more lonely in the relationships than I do living by myself.
You haven't said anything about what he seems to be lacking (other than a program) that makes you feel this way. It might not BE about the alcoholism. It might just be that you had a fantasy relationship in mind that you thought would appear when he got sober, but it didn't.
Was he already drinking alcoholically when you met him? If so, you haven't ever known the sober him, so maybe that was just your own wishful thinking.
It doesn't really make much difference, I don't think, if you don't feel the relationship is satisfying. You broke up once, maybe that was for the best and you should simply move on as if he hadn't ever turned back up all cleaned up and sober. You don't "owe" him anything just because he got sober. If it isn't working for you, that's reason enough to move on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
HI KCrazy- I'm right there with you.
I am just at this point trying to be in the moment with AH and with our boys. Things are good for now with AH, and I don't feel ready to make any decisions at this point. I feel so many emotions from day to day, and am just trying to feel them all, and started Al-anon, trying to get stronger for myself, and then I feel I will be more prepared to make the decision that I need to when he starts drinking again... or even if he doesn't. BUT, for now, as long as things are good, I am not rushing into anything.
Take care of you and Happy Thanksgiving!!!
I am just at this point trying to be in the moment with AH and with our boys. Things are good for now with AH, and I don't feel ready to make any decisions at this point. I feel so many emotions from day to day, and am just trying to feel them all, and started Al-anon, trying to get stronger for myself, and then I feel I will be more prepared to make the decision that I need to when he starts drinking again... or even if he doesn't. BUT, for now, as long as things are good, I am not rushing into anything.
Take care of you and Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Same thing happening over here.
This afternoon, my sitter came over to watch my girls and I went out to lunch with just my husband. It was impromptu. My sitter always comes on Wednesdays but today I was without individual plans and then my husband suggested that we have lunch. Sure, why not. What a nice idea to have a grown up meal!
We had such a lovely time. I really like who he is right now and who he becomes the farther in the past his relapses become. But this sadly is part of the cycle. Things get a little wonky, he relapses, things stay wonky for a while, then he dries up and tries to plug the holes in his program and each time he tries to fix his program and dig his heels in things become great. He becomes such a wonderful person to be around and just kind and considerate and fun. This is the crap that keeps me hooked. But at the same time, this "good times" phase has comprised the bulk of this year and it's been leaps and bounds better than the year before that.
Here's what I'm noticing that is different for me. It is that the swing from things being intolerably awful (a 1 on the happiness scale) to heart warmingly good (a 10 on the happiness scale) doesn't fly from 10 to 1 and back again anymore. Even though he's back to being a nice person to spend time with he's not over doing it and in the 10 zone. His last relapse also didn't go into the psycho 1 zone. There is no perfection in life or sobriety. What I think we're both slowly attaining is the individual confidence to try to figure out how to keep our lives and our problems and perspectives between a 3 and 7 on the happiness scale without leaning on the other one to "fix" things.
If only one of us or neither of us were working a program I could easily see the swings still hitting depressing lows or exhilarating highs. I feel like having a program (not necessarily 12 step programs but at least something) teaches me how to keep life in perspective. Today was nice but it's not a predictor of the future and I'm learning (and trying to practice) to just enjoy nice times for what they are.
This afternoon, my sitter came over to watch my girls and I went out to lunch with just my husband. It was impromptu. My sitter always comes on Wednesdays but today I was without individual plans and then my husband suggested that we have lunch. Sure, why not. What a nice idea to have a grown up meal!
We had such a lovely time. I really like who he is right now and who he becomes the farther in the past his relapses become. But this sadly is part of the cycle. Things get a little wonky, he relapses, things stay wonky for a while, then he dries up and tries to plug the holes in his program and each time he tries to fix his program and dig his heels in things become great. He becomes such a wonderful person to be around and just kind and considerate and fun. This is the crap that keeps me hooked. But at the same time, this "good times" phase has comprised the bulk of this year and it's been leaps and bounds better than the year before that.
Here's what I'm noticing that is different for me. It is that the swing from things being intolerably awful (a 1 on the happiness scale) to heart warmingly good (a 10 on the happiness scale) doesn't fly from 10 to 1 and back again anymore. Even though he's back to being a nice person to spend time with he's not over doing it and in the 10 zone. His last relapse also didn't go into the psycho 1 zone. There is no perfection in life or sobriety. What I think we're both slowly attaining is the individual confidence to try to figure out how to keep our lives and our problems and perspectives between a 3 and 7 on the happiness scale without leaning on the other one to "fix" things.
If only one of us or neither of us were working a program I could easily see the swings still hitting depressing lows or exhilarating highs. I feel like having a program (not necessarily 12 step programs but at least something) teaches me how to keep life in perspective. Today was nice but it's not a predictor of the future and I'm learning (and trying to practice) to just enjoy nice times for what they are.
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