He's now ended it and I am devastated
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Thanks for your replies again. No he's not in rehab yet we spoke about it a few days ago and he told me he had an appointment to be assessed yesterday or today (heard nothing about it all day yesterday).
I feel like a broken record I keep going over the same things in my head, with him, to an extent in what bits I tell other people. He never ever seems to see anything from my point of view and it is the most frustrating thing I have ever experienced.
Last night after he told me he was just going to be out of contact for a while sure enough he re appears and tells me that he has not blocked me all day on his phone to give me the opportunity to call him and apologise for how I have behaved and say I understand- I mean seriously WTF goes on in his head- is this backwards logic normal. He has said and done the most horrific things to me and some to my family and spent more time drunk in the relationship than sober yet now I am supposed to call him and apologise for not wanting to speak on the phone all the time??!! I am supposed to be grateful that he didn't block me and left me a chance to apologise to him??!! He then told me that being madly in love with someone and telling them you don't want to be with them is the hardest thing in the world. I mean seriously is this 'normal' alcoholic behaviour and logic, I guess I know it is because it has always been this way to some extent. He has always found it incredibly hard to see anything from anyone else's point of view but his own.
I of course messaged him back which I know I should t I should just leave it but I can't and it frustrates me so much. Its like even though I've said all the necessary responses I keep going because I guess I think maybe finally try will actually sink in. Half of what I say is lost in his drunken state and the rest I just don't think he reads or takes in. I've told him that I really don't see the need to rehash it all again today it gets us nowhere. He has rehab to think about and I have my life. I don't know what, if any response I will get from him but I'm sure it will be hours and hours later when he can be bothered to respond to me and of course if I don't respond instantly he will go insane.
I guess its just so hard to understand this behaviour because its not what I would see as 'normal'. If I hurt someone I say sorry and mean it by not doing the same thing again. He has apologised in the past but doesn't see that it actually never seems sincere because he always does it again. I don't know why I can't get through to myself that there doesn't seem any getting through to him and I need to move on.
I haven't worked in months partly because of all this, I'm lucky I have good family who have supported me but I want to et back into work but also am so afraid to do this because I feel my emotional state is so fragile. That's another topic I guess.
Is there really any point in trying to understand him? Decifer what he actually wants, means etc? Probably not. And to an extent I think you are right he's now trying to get the upper hand by ditching me and making me feel worse and maybe I would feel better if I had said it was over first, although since he's been back tracking this is kind of what I have been saying I guess. Such a mix of emotions I guess its so hard to just compute and sort them all in my brain.
I'm so glad I found this place, any advice and words are comforting in some way.
I feel like a broken record I keep going over the same things in my head, with him, to an extent in what bits I tell other people. He never ever seems to see anything from my point of view and it is the most frustrating thing I have ever experienced.
Last night after he told me he was just going to be out of contact for a while sure enough he re appears and tells me that he has not blocked me all day on his phone to give me the opportunity to call him and apologise for how I have behaved and say I understand- I mean seriously WTF goes on in his head- is this backwards logic normal. He has said and done the most horrific things to me and some to my family and spent more time drunk in the relationship than sober yet now I am supposed to call him and apologise for not wanting to speak on the phone all the time??!! I am supposed to be grateful that he didn't block me and left me a chance to apologise to him??!! He then told me that being madly in love with someone and telling them you don't want to be with them is the hardest thing in the world. I mean seriously is this 'normal' alcoholic behaviour and logic, I guess I know it is because it has always been this way to some extent. He has always found it incredibly hard to see anything from anyone else's point of view but his own.
I of course messaged him back which I know I should t I should just leave it but I can't and it frustrates me so much. Its like even though I've said all the necessary responses I keep going because I guess I think maybe finally try will actually sink in. Half of what I say is lost in his drunken state and the rest I just don't think he reads or takes in. I've told him that I really don't see the need to rehash it all again today it gets us nowhere. He has rehab to think about and I have my life. I don't know what, if any response I will get from him but I'm sure it will be hours and hours later when he can be bothered to respond to me and of course if I don't respond instantly he will go insane.
I guess its just so hard to understand this behaviour because its not what I would see as 'normal'. If I hurt someone I say sorry and mean it by not doing the same thing again. He has apologised in the past but doesn't see that it actually never seems sincere because he always does it again. I don't know why I can't get through to myself that there doesn't seem any getting through to him and I need to move on.
I haven't worked in months partly because of all this, I'm lucky I have good family who have supported me but I want to et back into work but also am so afraid to do this because I feel my emotional state is so fragile. That's another topic I guess.
Is there really any point in trying to understand him? Decifer what he actually wants, means etc? Probably not. And to an extent I think you are right he's now trying to get the upper hand by ditching me and making me feel worse and maybe I would feel better if I had said it was over first, although since he's been back tracking this is kind of what I have been saying I guess. Such a mix of emotions I guess its so hard to just compute and sort them all in my brain.
I'm so glad I found this place, any advice and words are comforting in some way.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
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I don't post on here very often anymore but reading yours brought me back to my first time....exact situation. My XAH did the same, we had been separated for a year. He actually went to rehab and was just months from completing the program while I had waited around for him to finish. I had moved out of our home and he had "got sober" and was doing everything right..professing his love for me and his family. Desperately wanting to not lose us. Then I went to our home one morning and caught him in bed with his "girlfriend" and he ended it with us.
3 years later he is still in that relationship, still sober and still dragging me in as often as he can. I felt the same way....after all those years someone else gets to have him sober and "fixed"....its not like that. Hes sober but does not work any kind of program and still as of yesterday still blames me for his drinking. He has never been accountable for anything he has done and carries around a lot of guilt that is obvious in how defensive he gets over everything. He has little to no relationship with our son and has never done anything to change that. Who ever said it is hard to get rid of an alcoholic is right........they never go away. And he has changed zero, other then he doesn't have a beer in his hand 24/7. He is still selfish and unhappy ...its really kind of sad to watch.
I hope you are fortunate enough to not have to do that like I have......
I know its painful to love someone and think they are going to go on and be happy with out you, and I hated it when people told me "he has done you a huge favor" but its the truth...took me years to realize it. I still love him and wished it could have been different but eventually realized that it cant and im better off. I know how you are feeling right now and I wish I could give you a big hug.
3 years later he is still in that relationship, still sober and still dragging me in as often as he can. I felt the same way....after all those years someone else gets to have him sober and "fixed"....its not like that. Hes sober but does not work any kind of program and still as of yesterday still blames me for his drinking. He has never been accountable for anything he has done and carries around a lot of guilt that is obvious in how defensive he gets over everything. He has little to no relationship with our son and has never done anything to change that. Who ever said it is hard to get rid of an alcoholic is right........they never go away. And he has changed zero, other then he doesn't have a beer in his hand 24/7. He is still selfish and unhappy ...its really kind of sad to watch.
I hope you are fortunate enough to not have to do that like I have......
I know its painful to love someone and think they are going to go on and be happy with out you, and I hated it when people told me "he has done you a huge favor" but its the truth...took me years to realize it. I still love him and wished it could have been different but eventually realized that it cant and im better off. I know how you are feeling right now and I wish I could give you a big hug.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Formyboys I am so sorry to hear your story that is really horrible and I hope that you are now in a better place. Thank you for sharing and it's comforting to know that others can see how I feel.
LexieCat and atalose I know I am just continuing it by not letting go myself but I can't seem to do it- I guess I've spent the whole relationship wanting him to want me more than he wants to drink and I thought finally rehab would be what we both needed to move forward and now he is just prepared to say he doesn't care. I do and don't try to analyse his messages, I know a lot of it is ramblings but it hurts so much to hear him say that he does love me but he doesn't care what I am doing anymore, he doesn't care if I sleep with someone else because he won't let me stress him out anymore. I'm like how can you love someone but not care what they do? Yes again it's illogical. And me stress him out?? Seriously.
He won't call me as his argument is I have ignored him for too long but I will not let myself call him as what would that achieve? Me just backing down and proving that I will chase him despite him thinking he has spent this whole relationship chasing me! Then I question myself as to if I can find it ok to not speak with him on the phone and not call why am I continuing with the messages? I guess because it seems so final to cut it all off once and for all. I try not to respond but it's always like I need to have my say and respond (this is kind of what I am like as a person maybe).
I am so frustrated at myself that I can't move on, I hate the fact that everything reminds me of him- cooking, movies, certain clothes, music, seeing other couples and remembering happy times we had. WTF is wrong with me that I can't just go actually he has been horrible to me and I should be grateful it's done- I think my deep despair that he suckered me in so bad, we made plans and now they are all just fantasy, if they ever were reality?
Maybe I am scared of being alone, I don't know. I find it hard to be around people as I don't want to talk about it and meet up with friends who don't know and have them ask what I've been up to etc and for me to get upset. I can't even bring myself to make myself single on Facebook!
I am literally a rambling mess, my brain is full of him all day all night, I feel like the only peace I get is when I sleep. I just want to have the power to make it stop and erase any thoughts of him, what he's doing, who with, is he recovering.
I couldn't break it off when he was actively drinking because I was so worried for his life, now I can't let it go knowing he will go to rehab and get better because I am so bitter at him moving on without me. It's completely illogical and I wonder whether he has actually made me insane myself.
I feel like it's ok for him, he doesn't even remember half the horrible things he has said and done but I will live with those memories forever. He can go and just focus on rehab not drinking and not even have to broach what he has put me through and how he forgives himself and asks me to forgive him- he gets away with it and I have to live with it. Feels so unfair and unjust.
Sorry, I just go on and on and on but I feel like this is my only release
LexieCat and atalose I know I am just continuing it by not letting go myself but I can't seem to do it- I guess I've spent the whole relationship wanting him to want me more than he wants to drink and I thought finally rehab would be what we both needed to move forward and now he is just prepared to say he doesn't care. I do and don't try to analyse his messages, I know a lot of it is ramblings but it hurts so much to hear him say that he does love me but he doesn't care what I am doing anymore, he doesn't care if I sleep with someone else because he won't let me stress him out anymore. I'm like how can you love someone but not care what they do? Yes again it's illogical. And me stress him out?? Seriously.
He won't call me as his argument is I have ignored him for too long but I will not let myself call him as what would that achieve? Me just backing down and proving that I will chase him despite him thinking he has spent this whole relationship chasing me! Then I question myself as to if I can find it ok to not speak with him on the phone and not call why am I continuing with the messages? I guess because it seems so final to cut it all off once and for all. I try not to respond but it's always like I need to have my say and respond (this is kind of what I am like as a person maybe).
I am so frustrated at myself that I can't move on, I hate the fact that everything reminds me of him- cooking, movies, certain clothes, music, seeing other couples and remembering happy times we had. WTF is wrong with me that I can't just go actually he has been horrible to me and I should be grateful it's done- I think my deep despair that he suckered me in so bad, we made plans and now they are all just fantasy, if they ever were reality?
Maybe I am scared of being alone, I don't know. I find it hard to be around people as I don't want to talk about it and meet up with friends who don't know and have them ask what I've been up to etc and for me to get upset. I can't even bring myself to make myself single on Facebook!
I am literally a rambling mess, my brain is full of him all day all night, I feel like the only peace I get is when I sleep. I just want to have the power to make it stop and erase any thoughts of him, what he's doing, who with, is he recovering.
I couldn't break it off when he was actively drinking because I was so worried for his life, now I can't let it go knowing he will go to rehab and get better because I am so bitter at him moving on without me. It's completely illogical and I wonder whether he has actually made me insane myself.
I feel like it's ok for him, he doesn't even remember half the horrible things he has said and done but I will live with those memories forever. He can go and just focus on rehab not drinking and not even have to broach what he has put me through and how he forgives himself and asks me to forgive him- he gets away with it and I have to live with it. Feels so unfair and unjust.
Sorry, I just go on and on and on but I feel like this is my only release
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You literally sound exactly like an alcoholic explaining why he can't quit drinking. "I can't because this," "I can't because that."
I'm not saying this to be mean--we have all been where you are. The fact is, you CAN do it, you just are not. You CAN take steps to free yourself, you just have not.
For yourself, today, find an Al-Anon meeting you can go to. One that meets today or tomorrow. Take that first step. It isn't easy, but you are no worse off than any of us were. I was every bit as obsessed as you are right now. I'm better.
Do it for yourself.
I'm not saying this to be mean--we have all been where you are. The fact is, you CAN do it, you just are not. You CAN take steps to free yourself, you just have not.
For yourself, today, find an Al-Anon meeting you can go to. One that meets today or tomorrow. Take that first step. It isn't easy, but you are no worse off than any of us were. I was every bit as obsessed as you are right now. I'm better.
Do it for yourself.
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Jane are you aware that you are GRIEVING....and that this is all normal. Do you know that this will fade away over enough time and space (several weeks to several months).?
Are you aware of the things that will help you, in the meantime?
dandylion
Are you aware of the things that will help you, in the meantime?
dandylion
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Originally Posted by Jane11 
he doesn't care if I sleep with someone else because he won't let me stress him out anymore. And me stress him out?? Seriously.
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Originally Posted by Jane11
now I can't let it go knowing he will go to rehab and get better because I am so bitter at him moving on without me.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Seriously, what exactly about this man do you love? You mentioned emotional and physical abuse? Do you excuse that away because of his drinking?
Do you know this man totally sober and I mean a year or more without alcohol?
Love isn’t shameful and the fact you can’t talk to your family and friends about him and what’s he’s done and that you are no longer a couple, means you find shame with him and with the relationship…………so again I ask you, what exactly is it that you love about this man?
I think you have some kind of fantasy expectations that once the drinking issue is taken care of…then you’ll have the dream relationship with him you have been hoping for, and that is not reality but fantasyland thinking.
I am not trying to be mean here just real and often reality hurts and is painful that's why we hold onto fantasyland thinking and denial so that we don't have to deal with our pain and hurt.
Do you know this man totally sober and I mean a year or more without alcohol?
Love isn’t shameful and the fact you can’t talk to your family and friends about him and what’s he’s done and that you are no longer a couple, means you find shame with him and with the relationship…………so again I ask you, what exactly is it that you love about this man?
I think you have some kind of fantasy expectations that once the drinking issue is taken care of…then you’ll have the dream relationship with him you have been hoping for, and that is not reality but fantasyland thinking.
I am not trying to be mean here just real and often reality hurts and is painful that's why we hold onto fantasyland thinking and denial so that we don't have to deal with our pain and hurt.
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[QUOTE=Jane11;5024535
He has said and done the most horrific things to me and some to my family and spent more time drunk in the relationship than sober yet now I am supposed to call him and apologise for not wanting to speak on the phone all the time??!! I am supposed to be grateful that he didn't block me and left me a chance to apologise to him??!! He then told me that being madly in love with someone and telling them you don't want to be with them is the hardest thing in the world. I mean seriously is this 'normal' alcoholic behaviour and logic, I guess I know it is because it has always been this way to some extent. He has always found it incredibly hard to see anything from anyone else's point of view but his own.
. I don't know what, if any response I will get from him but I'm sure it will be hours and hours later when he can be bothered to respond to me and of course if I don't respond instantly he will go insane.
I guess its just so hard to understand this behaviour because its not what I would see as 'normal'. If I hurt someone I say sorry and mean it by not doing it again.
I haven't worked in months partly because of all this, I'm lucky I have good family who have supported me but I want to et back into work but also am so afraid to do this because I feel my emotional state is so fragile. That's another topic I guess.
.[/QUOTE]
No Jane,it's all the same topic.
There are no magic words or answers that anyone can give to anyone to get them to see what is wrong(and all the above is wrong,but you know that already).
The ONLY way things will start to change and improve is by you looking at and working on yourself-asking yourself the question"why do I want to be in a relationship which is hurting me" is only the start of it,believe me.
As I said; no magic answers,just hard work-on you and for you ,first and last:because you matter.
He has said and done the most horrific things to me and some to my family and spent more time drunk in the relationship than sober yet now I am supposed to call him and apologise for not wanting to speak on the phone all the time??!! I am supposed to be grateful that he didn't block me and left me a chance to apologise to him??!! He then told me that being madly in love with someone and telling them you don't want to be with them is the hardest thing in the world. I mean seriously is this 'normal' alcoholic behaviour and logic, I guess I know it is because it has always been this way to some extent. He has always found it incredibly hard to see anything from anyone else's point of view but his own.
. I don't know what, if any response I will get from him but I'm sure it will be hours and hours later when he can be bothered to respond to me and of course if I don't respond instantly he will go insane.
I guess its just so hard to understand this behaviour because its not what I would see as 'normal'. If I hurt someone I say sorry and mean it by not doing it again.
I haven't worked in months partly because of all this, I'm lucky I have good family who have supported me but I want to et back into work but also am so afraid to do this because I feel my emotional state is so fragile. That's another topic I guess.
.[/QUOTE]
No Jane,it's all the same topic.
There are no magic words or answers that anyone can give to anyone to get them to see what is wrong(and all the above is wrong,but you know that already).
The ONLY way things will start to change and improve is by you looking at and working on yourself-asking yourself the question"why do I want to be in a relationship which is hurting me" is only the start of it,believe me.
As I said; no magic answers,just hard work-on you and for you ,first and last:because you matter.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Jane, can we just make sure of one thing? You know that his going to rehab shouldn't be about you, right? It shouldn't be about winning you back, being a better man for you, because he promised you, because he doesn't want to lose you, or because he owes you.
Remove yourself from the equation. It needs to be about HIM, and his willingness to get sober for his own life. IF, when he is sober, you and he decide to share a life, then that is another thing. But first and foremost, know that his going to rehab won't solve any of your problems. None of them! I promise! There is no, "when he is sober, everything will be good again." (I clung to this for a long time.) YOU need to solve your problems by figuring out how to ease your addiction to him, how to function in life despite what he is doing, how to stop reacting to his behavior, and how to live a life that isn't dependent on whether or not he is sober. Remember you? Take care of you. Your life will improve drastically, rapidly, when you start to learn how to cope.
Let him do what he wants. There is no worse-case scenario in you detaching from him. He may go to rehab, he may not; he may drink, he may not; he may be done with you, he may not. But JANE needs to be ok and healthy either way.
Remove yourself from the equation. It needs to be about HIM, and his willingness to get sober for his own life. IF, when he is sober, you and he decide to share a life, then that is another thing. But first and foremost, know that his going to rehab won't solve any of your problems. None of them! I promise! There is no, "when he is sober, everything will be good again." (I clung to this for a long time.) YOU need to solve your problems by figuring out how to ease your addiction to him, how to function in life despite what he is doing, how to stop reacting to his behavior, and how to live a life that isn't dependent on whether or not he is sober. Remember you? Take care of you. Your life will improve drastically, rapidly, when you start to learn how to cope.
Let him do what he wants. There is no worse-case scenario in you detaching from him. He may go to rehab, he may not; he may drink, he may not; he may be done with you, he may not. But JANE needs to be ok and healthy either way.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Jane11 - 50 some days ago my partner broke up with me. she is supposedly in recovery with 18 months sober in AA. I thought we were supposed to be living the dream b/c she was sober, but everything kept getting worse. Although the relationship was a pile of dog poop for the last 6 months to a year, I conveniently forgot this and became obsessive over her and ways I could get her back. I think I made it my fault, and if I was "good' we'd get back together. In other words, even though I have 3+ years in Al-Anon, I went bat sh!t crazy. Totally unmanageable.
What is helping me is to detach. If I need to go no contact, I put her number on reject. If I don't like how she is treating me, I don't talk to her. I have been on a no phone call "detox" for the last 4 days, b/c I'm tired of allowing her to ruin my day. I am realizing that this is a person who doesn't treat me very well, partly b/c I've allowed it all these years. I need to do something different for myself.
I do suggest you try Al-Anon. That is the place where many of us have learned these tools to break free of our addiction to the alcoholic/addict and live our own lives.
What is helping me is to detach. If I need to go no contact, I put her number on reject. If I don't like how she is treating me, I don't talk to her. I have been on a no phone call "detox" for the last 4 days, b/c I'm tired of allowing her to ruin my day. I am realizing that this is a person who doesn't treat me very well, partly b/c I've allowed it all these years. I need to do something different for myself.
I do suggest you try Al-Anon. That is the place where many of us have learned these tools to break free of our addiction to the alcoholic/addict and live our own lives.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 86
Jane11 - I get it. you sound like I felt last month. It was horrible sadness when I realized the relationship, i so heavily invested was, for lack of a better word "fake". I was also devastated. Like Danylion said, you are GRIEVING. Me too.
Trust me your emotions will level out. Its like a roller coaster of extremes and obsessive thinking. It does get better. Three things that helped me were Al-anon meetings every night so I would not obsess over him. Writing a Pro & Cons list. I had 6 pros to 38 cons!!!!!! That was eye opening. And I posted and read here on SR.
The behavoirs you describe seem typical from what I experienced and read about. Seems addicts have the same MO......
Trust me your emotions will level out. Its like a roller coaster of extremes and obsessive thinking. It does get better. Three things that helped me were Al-anon meetings every night so I would not obsess over him. Writing a Pro & Cons list. I had 6 pros to 38 cons!!!!!! That was eye opening. And I posted and read here on SR.
The behavoirs you describe seem typical from what I experienced and read about. Seems addicts have the same MO......
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 86
Hang in there it will get better. Sounds like it's still raw emotion. Block him on your phone so he cant contact you. Stay busy, over schedule your weekends with family, friends or volunteer.
At times I felt my obsession with him was like his obsession with the bottle. It made no sense.
You will see there is no logic in the way he acted or what he said. Trying to understand it is wasting energy. Have a few good cries, scream into your pillow or at the top of your lungs in your car (windows up of course). Focus on healing your broken heart, and keep coming back here for support. We do understand.
Hugs to you.
At times I felt my obsession with him was like his obsession with the bottle. It made no sense.
You will see there is no logic in the way he acted or what he said. Trying to understand it is wasting energy. Have a few good cries, scream into your pillow or at the top of your lungs in your car (windows up of course). Focus on healing your broken heart, and keep coming back here for support. We do understand.
Hugs to you.
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F.Y.I The physical and emotional abuse doesn't stop because he's stopped drinking and you can't love it away.
Originally Posted by Jane11
I haven't posted in a while as I have been trying to deal with the ups and downs of him being drunk and sober from a distance- we haven't actually seen each other in over 2 months because of his behaviour and in those two months he has alternated between drunk and sober love and hate.
He decided that he would go to rehab a few days ago to try and get real help and this will be 3 months long and we have spoken about what we will do together and how we move forward from it all.
He has only been sober and speaking normally for the past few days and last night over message he ended it saying this wasn't like a real relationship over message, it's not that he needs the headspace because of rehab and he can deal with all that it's just it's not real not seeing each other and only communicating by phone. He said he loves me more than anything and hopes I would read it and change my mindset but he knows I won't so sorry but it's over. That's the short version basically.
I feel absolutely devastated. Stood by him through months and months of drinking, emotional and physical abuse and now after him being sober for a few days he expects that I suddenly change my mindset. Am I wrong in thinking that is wrong? I know that if it was going to work I would have to move forward but the simple fact of the matter is I expect after everything for him to show me clear signs of change- am I thinking about it wrong?
I love this man and yes I have questioned whether or not I should end it after all that has happened but I had hoped with him willing to go to rehab we could move forward, now he just basically tells me it's done.
I am devastated. I have spent the time we've not been together in constant turmoil and have started to try and have a 'normal' life and do 'normal' things in amongst it all and now I feel like I am back to square one wanting to shut myself away from the world.
It's like he's kept me hanging on for the months we've not been together and now has finally just decided it's done.
I know people will say good move on you are better off without him, and to an extent I have thought this but it doesn't stop the fact I love this man, I wanted a future with him despite everything and now it's like he's willing to go to rehab and sort his life out but just wants to end it.
I'm just devastated. The pain is so much.
He decided that he would go to rehab a few days ago to try and get real help and this will be 3 months long and we have spoken about what we will do together and how we move forward from it all.
He has only been sober and speaking normally for the past few days and last night over message he ended it saying this wasn't like a real relationship over message, it's not that he needs the headspace because of rehab and he can deal with all that it's just it's not real not seeing each other and only communicating by phone. He said he loves me more than anything and hopes I would read it and change my mindset but he knows I won't so sorry but it's over. That's the short version basically.
I feel absolutely devastated. Stood by him through months and months of drinking, emotional and physical abuse and now after him being sober for a few days he expects that I suddenly change my mindset. Am I wrong in thinking that is wrong? I know that if it was going to work I would have to move forward but the simple fact of the matter is I expect after everything for him to show me clear signs of change- am I thinking about it wrong?
I love this man and yes I have questioned whether or not I should end it after all that has happened but I had hoped with him willing to go to rehab we could move forward, now he just basically tells me it's done.
I am devastated. I have spent the time we've not been together in constant turmoil and have started to try and have a 'normal' life and do 'normal' things in amongst it all and now I feel like I am back to square one wanting to shut myself away from the world.
It's like he's kept me hanging on for the months we've not been together and now has finally just decided it's done.
I know people will say good move on you are better off without him, and to an extent I have thought this but it doesn't stop the fact I love this man, I wanted a future with him despite everything and now it's like he's willing to go to rehab and sort his life out but just wants to end it.
I'm just devastated. The pain is so much.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Jane11
I seriously feel like I need to get a grip of myself but I can't!! *screams*
You have NO CONTROL over love...
You just don't.
No matter what you have endured, survived, put up with, tolerated and done for this man...
You have no control.
Dare I say ...THAT'S what is causing you all this pain.
There is NOTHING you can do.
We have no control over when love enters our lives..
Or when it exits...
No matter what we do for another..
they do not owe us...love.
I would hope that your love for him would want his full recovery...eventually. Right now you are just in pain...and it hurts...I know
You want the pain to go away...you need everything to be all better...you need him to "fix" something somehow...
to make your pain go away..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Naples FL
Posts: 61
So sorry you are going through this and I feel you sadness and pain. You need to do what is best for you...folks are real good at giving advise but you are the one who has to live it.
Life is too short time for you to enjoy it and begin the healing process. I do agree with some comments that what an alcoholic says one day can change the next...do what is best for you and follow that path. Hugs!
Life is too short time for you to enjoy it and begin the healing process. I do agree with some comments that what an alcoholic says one day can change the next...do what is best for you and follow that path. Hugs!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
This is NOT normal alcoholic behaviour this is NORMAL ABUSER behaviour.
Get out while you can.
Get out while you can.
Originally Posted by Jane11
Thanks for your replies again. No he's not in rehab yet we spoke about it a few days ago and he told me he had an appointment to be assessed yesterday or today (heard nothing about it all day yesterday).
I feel like a broken record I keep going over the same things in my head, with him, to an extent in what bits I tell other people. He never ever seems to see anything from my point of view and it is the most frustrating thing I have ever experienced.
Last night after he told me he was just going to be out of contact for a while sure enough he re appears and tells me that he has not blocked me all day on his phone to give me the opportunity to call him and apologise for how I have behaved and say I understand- I mean seriously WTF goes on in his head- is this backwards logic normal. He has said and done the most horrific things to me and some to my family and spent more time drunk in the relationship than sober yet now I am supposed to call him and apologise for not wanting to speak on the phone all the time??!! I am supposed to be grateful that he didn't block me and left me a chance to apologise to him??!! He then told me that being madly in love with someone and telling them you don't want to be with them is the hardest thing in the world. I mean seriously is this 'normal' alcoholic behaviour and logic, I guess I know it is because it has always been this way to some extent. He has always found it incredibly hard to see anything from anyone else's point of view but his own.
I of course messaged him back which I know I should t I should just leave it but I can't and it frustrates me so much. Its like even though I've said all the necessary responses I keep going because I guess I think maybe finally try will actually sink in. Half of what I say is lost in his drunken state and the rest I just don't think he reads or takes in. I've told him that I really don't see the need to rehash it all again today it gets us nowhere. He has rehab to think about and I have my life. I don't know what, if any response I will get from him but I'm sure it will be hours and hours later when he can be bothered to respond to me and of course if I don't respond instantly he will go insane.
I guess its just so hard to understand this behaviour because its not what I would see as 'normal'. If I hurt someone I say sorry and mean it by not doing the same thing again. He has apologised in the past but doesn't see that it actually never seems sincere because he always does it again. I don't know why I can't get through to myself that there doesn't seem any getting through to him and I need to move on.
I haven't worked in months partly because of all this, I'm lucky I have good family who have supported me but I want to et back into work but also am so afraid to do this because I feel my emotional state is so fragile. That's another topic I guess.
Is there really any point in trying to understand him? Decifer what he actually wants, means etc? Probably not. And to an extent I think you are right he's now trying to get the upper hand by ditching me and making me feel worse and maybe I would feel better if I had said it was over first, although since he's been back tracking this is kind of what I have been saying I guess. Such a mix of emotions I guess its so hard to just compute and sort them all in my brain.
I'm so glad I found this place, any advice and words are comforting in some way.
I feel like a broken record I keep going over the same things in my head, with him, to an extent in what bits I tell other people. He never ever seems to see anything from my point of view and it is the most frustrating thing I have ever experienced.
Last night after he told me he was just going to be out of contact for a while sure enough he re appears and tells me that he has not blocked me all day on his phone to give me the opportunity to call him and apologise for how I have behaved and say I understand- I mean seriously WTF goes on in his head- is this backwards logic normal. He has said and done the most horrific things to me and some to my family and spent more time drunk in the relationship than sober yet now I am supposed to call him and apologise for not wanting to speak on the phone all the time??!! I am supposed to be grateful that he didn't block me and left me a chance to apologise to him??!! He then told me that being madly in love with someone and telling them you don't want to be with them is the hardest thing in the world. I mean seriously is this 'normal' alcoholic behaviour and logic, I guess I know it is because it has always been this way to some extent. He has always found it incredibly hard to see anything from anyone else's point of view but his own.
I of course messaged him back which I know I should t I should just leave it but I can't and it frustrates me so much. Its like even though I've said all the necessary responses I keep going because I guess I think maybe finally try will actually sink in. Half of what I say is lost in his drunken state and the rest I just don't think he reads or takes in. I've told him that I really don't see the need to rehash it all again today it gets us nowhere. He has rehab to think about and I have my life. I don't know what, if any response I will get from him but I'm sure it will be hours and hours later when he can be bothered to respond to me and of course if I don't respond instantly he will go insane.
I guess its just so hard to understand this behaviour because its not what I would see as 'normal'. If I hurt someone I say sorry and mean it by not doing the same thing again. He has apologised in the past but doesn't see that it actually never seems sincere because he always does it again. I don't know why I can't get through to myself that there doesn't seem any getting through to him and I need to move on.
I haven't worked in months partly because of all this, I'm lucky I have good family who have supported me but I want to et back into work but also am so afraid to do this because I feel my emotional state is so fragile. That's another topic I guess.
Is there really any point in trying to understand him? Decifer what he actually wants, means etc? Probably not. And to an extent I think you are right he's now trying to get the upper hand by ditching me and making me feel worse and maybe I would feel better if I had said it was over first, although since he's been back tracking this is kind of what I have been saying I guess. Such a mix of emotions I guess its so hard to just compute and sort them all in my brain.
I'm so glad I found this place, any advice and words are comforting in some way.
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