Struggling with break up from alcoholic boyfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 7
Struggling with break up from alcoholic boyfriend
Hello everyone,
My alcoholic boyfriend (29) and I (23) broke up last night. We had been together for almost 2 years and living together for 4 months. I came from a family that didn’t drink at all (because both my parents had parents who were alcohol abusers and therefore they didn’t want anything to do with it when they grew up). My boyfriend on the other hand came from a family where drinking was a big part of their life and widely accepted.
I am currently staying with my parents and he is still at our apartment. I knew going into my relationship with him that he liked to drink alcohol but didn’t realize how much he usually drank until many months into our relationship. I told him that I was fine with him drinking and brewing his own beer as long as he kept it to reasonable levels that wouldn’t destroy his health or our relationship, I even tried a few sips the beers he brought over and liked some of them (I had never drank before this). However, a couple beers wasn’t enough for him, he NEEDED his shots of whiskey as well and he was letting it ruin our relationship.
It was like alcohol had control of him and it was always on his mind and how “nothing was fun without it”. That is when I helped him come to the conclusion that he is an alcoholic. He then decided to quit drinking and was sober for 3 months (with no physical withdrawal symptoms). Then he relapsed and didn’t tell me. Instead he hid the bottle of whiskey in the closet and let me continue believing he was still sober, until I found it and it broke my heart. The fact he hid it bothered me a lot more than the fact he relapsed. He apologized and promised he would never hide anything from me again and that he would try to stay sober again.
Then I came home one night not too long after that and found him collapsed in the middle of the floor and he would not talk or respond to me (he had told me once before that he never drinks to the point of blacking out). I didn’t know if he had been drinking or if something else was wrong with him. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do so I took him to the emergency room. He was so intoxicated he couldn’t walk and I had to get the help of my neighbor to help me take him down to my car. The doctors told me that his blood alcohol level was near 0.40 (I found out later he had drank an entire bottle of whiskey in one sitting, then hid the empty bottle before he collapsed). When I looked it up online I found out that that level could have been fatal in some people, but since he has such a high tolerance he was able to handle it. When the IV had sobered him up enough to be able to talk again he asked me what happened and when I told him he started crying. It was a traumatic and heart breaking experience for both of us. After that he told me he felt like he had hit rock bottom and that he never wanted to have to go through that again and immediately started another attempt at staying sober. He said he had no recollection of where he got the whiskey from and everything from the night before was completely blank.
I discussed rehab with him and I did hours of research to try and find out what I could do to help him be more successful in his next attempt. He didn’t want to go to rehab and he decided he wanted to beat this on his own with me for support. I ran across a book that recommended a supplement regimen to help correct the underlying vitamin deficiencies found in alcoholics and it was suppose to help with the cravings and so he agreed to try that. He told me it was helping him and the second time around seemed much easier. He was talking to me more about it and he seemed to be more open about how he was doing. I thought we were onto something and that this time would be different.
Yesterday I thought he had been sober since then, but last night I found another bottle of whiskey hidden in the closet. I confronted him about it and he said he had been drinking for weeks and he knew if I found it I would probably leave him but that didn’t stop him. He said he thinks that he started drinking again because he was unhappy in our relationship and that deep down he wanted it to end. He also had started lying to me about his opinions on things he knew I would disagree with, so that I would think he agreed with me. He said that “because I was so good to him", he didn’t have a good reason to end it. He said he used to love me and wanted to be with me, but not anymore. He said he felt miserable and that I was driving him to drink. So basically he was saying because I was a good cook and housekeeper he had continued to pretend to love me.
He had shown no signs that he was unhappy being with me and actually would regularly tell me how he loved me, and that he would miss me when I was gone and that I made him happy. Yesterday morning I woke up thinking I was in a happy, loving relationship and then this happened and I feel like my life has instantly crumbled around me and that I have been living a lie for months. I honestly don’t believe most of the things he told me are true. I think he is an addict and therefore has no control over what he does and his mind is tricking him into saying and doing the things he is.
I know that he is a wonderful, smart and good person who is full of potential. I know the real him would not have done this to me and I think he needs help. I sent an email letter to his brother telling him everything that happened so that hopefully he could look out for him and make sure he is ok. Because, even though he broke my heart, I still care about him deeply and don’t want anything bad to happen to him.
He was the first man I ever loved and I feel so broken and hurt. I don’t know whether to believe my relationship with him was mostly a big lie and he was primarily just using me or if I should believe that he did really love me and that none of this was my fault and all of the things he did and said were because of his addiction. I have never had to go through a heartbreak like this before. Does anyone have and thoughts or advice that could help me through this?
My alcoholic boyfriend (29) and I (23) broke up last night. We had been together for almost 2 years and living together for 4 months. I came from a family that didn’t drink at all (because both my parents had parents who were alcohol abusers and therefore they didn’t want anything to do with it when they grew up). My boyfriend on the other hand came from a family where drinking was a big part of their life and widely accepted.
I am currently staying with my parents and he is still at our apartment. I knew going into my relationship with him that he liked to drink alcohol but didn’t realize how much he usually drank until many months into our relationship. I told him that I was fine with him drinking and brewing his own beer as long as he kept it to reasonable levels that wouldn’t destroy his health or our relationship, I even tried a few sips the beers he brought over and liked some of them (I had never drank before this). However, a couple beers wasn’t enough for him, he NEEDED his shots of whiskey as well and he was letting it ruin our relationship.
It was like alcohol had control of him and it was always on his mind and how “nothing was fun without it”. That is when I helped him come to the conclusion that he is an alcoholic. He then decided to quit drinking and was sober for 3 months (with no physical withdrawal symptoms). Then he relapsed and didn’t tell me. Instead he hid the bottle of whiskey in the closet and let me continue believing he was still sober, until I found it and it broke my heart. The fact he hid it bothered me a lot more than the fact he relapsed. He apologized and promised he would never hide anything from me again and that he would try to stay sober again.
Then I came home one night not too long after that and found him collapsed in the middle of the floor and he would not talk or respond to me (he had told me once before that he never drinks to the point of blacking out). I didn’t know if he had been drinking or if something else was wrong with him. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do so I took him to the emergency room. He was so intoxicated he couldn’t walk and I had to get the help of my neighbor to help me take him down to my car. The doctors told me that his blood alcohol level was near 0.40 (I found out later he had drank an entire bottle of whiskey in one sitting, then hid the empty bottle before he collapsed). When I looked it up online I found out that that level could have been fatal in some people, but since he has such a high tolerance he was able to handle it. When the IV had sobered him up enough to be able to talk again he asked me what happened and when I told him he started crying. It was a traumatic and heart breaking experience for both of us. After that he told me he felt like he had hit rock bottom and that he never wanted to have to go through that again and immediately started another attempt at staying sober. He said he had no recollection of where he got the whiskey from and everything from the night before was completely blank.
I discussed rehab with him and I did hours of research to try and find out what I could do to help him be more successful in his next attempt. He didn’t want to go to rehab and he decided he wanted to beat this on his own with me for support. I ran across a book that recommended a supplement regimen to help correct the underlying vitamin deficiencies found in alcoholics and it was suppose to help with the cravings and so he agreed to try that. He told me it was helping him and the second time around seemed much easier. He was talking to me more about it and he seemed to be more open about how he was doing. I thought we were onto something and that this time would be different.
Yesterday I thought he had been sober since then, but last night I found another bottle of whiskey hidden in the closet. I confronted him about it and he said he had been drinking for weeks and he knew if I found it I would probably leave him but that didn’t stop him. He said he thinks that he started drinking again because he was unhappy in our relationship and that deep down he wanted it to end. He also had started lying to me about his opinions on things he knew I would disagree with, so that I would think he agreed with me. He said that “because I was so good to him", he didn’t have a good reason to end it. He said he used to love me and wanted to be with me, but not anymore. He said he felt miserable and that I was driving him to drink. So basically he was saying because I was a good cook and housekeeper he had continued to pretend to love me.
He had shown no signs that he was unhappy being with me and actually would regularly tell me how he loved me, and that he would miss me when I was gone and that I made him happy. Yesterday morning I woke up thinking I was in a happy, loving relationship and then this happened and I feel like my life has instantly crumbled around me and that I have been living a lie for months. I honestly don’t believe most of the things he told me are true. I think he is an addict and therefore has no control over what he does and his mind is tricking him into saying and doing the things he is.
I know that he is a wonderful, smart and good person who is full of potential. I know the real him would not have done this to me and I think he needs help. I sent an email letter to his brother telling him everything that happened so that hopefully he could look out for him and make sure he is ok. Because, even though he broke my heart, I still care about him deeply and don’t want anything bad to happen to him.
He was the first man I ever loved and I feel so broken and hurt. I don’t know whether to believe my relationship with him was mostly a big lie and he was primarily just using me or if I should believe that he did really love me and that none of this was my fault and all of the things he did and said were because of his addiction. I have never had to go through a heartbreak like this before. Does anyone have and thoughts or advice that could help me through this?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Sloane, I'm sorry for the pain you're in. So much of what your boyfriend has said could have come out of my A's mouth--particularly the part about how he couldn't be honest w/me about opinions, etc. I'm so glad to hear that you were so much smarter than I was and ended the relationship, instead of staying in it for 20 years, 18 of them married!
I hope you can spend some time here reading other threads. I think a LOT of what you find here will resonate w/you. You are not alone in your situation--so many of us here have fallen for those lies, have knocked ourselves out trying to keep from "driving our A's to drink." Eventually, though, I've learned that the 3 C's are true--I didn't Cause his drinking, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it. It's all on him.
Your ex sounds as if he is deep, deep into alcoholism and absolutely uninterested in getting sober. The best thing you can do is exactly what you did--end the relationship. Again, reading here will help you learn about alcoholism, how alcoholics act, and what you'd have to look forward to if you chose to stay involved w/him.
Welcome to SR, and although it doesn't feel like it now, you've just dodged a bullet. This pain and confusion will pass. Wishing you strength and clarity.
I hope you can spend some time here reading other threads. I think a LOT of what you find here will resonate w/you. You are not alone in your situation--so many of us here have fallen for those lies, have knocked ourselves out trying to keep from "driving our A's to drink." Eventually, though, I've learned that the 3 C's are true--I didn't Cause his drinking, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it. It's all on him.
Your ex sounds as if he is deep, deep into alcoholism and absolutely uninterested in getting sober. The best thing you can do is exactly what you did--end the relationship. Again, reading here will help you learn about alcoholism, how alcoholics act, and what you'd have to look forward to if you chose to stay involved w/him.
Welcome to SR, and although it doesn't feel like it now, you've just dodged a bullet. This pain and confusion will pass. Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 113
You are so young to make such a good healthy decisions for yourself. Clearly you had stable healthy parents who loved you and taught you how valuable you are to the world. Many of us here did not get that experience so we have to learn the hard way. Many of the A's we marry and hook ourselves too did not have a healthy upbringing either. It's very sad. Please stay and read our stories...like honeypig said to see what you avoided. Good for you!!! Also it might give you some insight on what to look out for in the future. You could have never fixed it and it doesn't get better most of the time...only worse.
SMART GIRL!!!! I hope my son is as smart as you are. Keep it up and you will be just fine sweetie. Get yourself a good stable man who can control himself.
SMART GIRL!!!! I hope my son is as smart as you are. Keep it up and you will be just fine sweetie. Get yourself a good stable man who can control himself.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Sloane,
I've been married to two alcoholics (one got sober at 21 and has stayed sober for 34 years and the other is still drinking himself to death), and I eventually got to the point where I became an alcoholic (now sober 6 years).
He isn't doing any of this to hurt you, but it does, anyway. And it doesn't matter--you have a right and responsibility to take care of yourself, and there is nothing you can do to MAKE him get sober. My first husband got sober a few months after I left him--we got married after he had been sober for a year. Sometimes that happens, and other times the person just keeps drinking--sometimes for decades. It doesn't depend on what you do, and there is nothing you can do to help him directly.
If you believe in prayer, you can pray for him, but you really don't want to mess up your life for the sake of someone for whom you can do nothing but sit by and watch him self-destruct.
I hope you will stick around here--there is a lot of great information and support.
Hugs, sorry you had to go through this.
I've been married to two alcoholics (one got sober at 21 and has stayed sober for 34 years and the other is still drinking himself to death), and I eventually got to the point where I became an alcoholic (now sober 6 years).
He isn't doing any of this to hurt you, but it does, anyway. And it doesn't matter--you have a right and responsibility to take care of yourself, and there is nothing you can do to MAKE him get sober. My first husband got sober a few months after I left him--we got married after he had been sober for a year. Sometimes that happens, and other times the person just keeps drinking--sometimes for decades. It doesn't depend on what you do, and there is nothing you can do to help him directly.
If you believe in prayer, you can pray for him, but you really don't want to mess up your life for the sake of someone for whom you can do nothing but sit by and watch him self-destruct.
I hope you will stick around here--there is a lot of great information and support.
Hugs, sorry you had to go through this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Sloane, so sorry you are suffering. A first heartbreak is horrible. There is no way for you to know the terrible, broken feeling WILL NOT LAST. I promise you it won't. You will heal and you will be happy and you will love again. Just give yourself time, don't fight the sadness but know it will NOT last.
My first love, my first lover was an addict/alcoholic who swore up and down he loved me. When he was sober the love and passion were intense. When he was drunk/stoned he lied, hit me, forced himself on me and stole from me and my friends. That's addiction. We were together four years and I almost married him. I thank everything that is holy I didn't marry him. One day you will be just as thankful you are not with this man.
He certainly needs help but that is not your problem or responsibility. The real him DID do that to you. The lying, manipulative, drunk him is just as real as the smart, good, sober him.
I don't mean to sound harsh and apologize if I do. Keep reading here, read the stories of others and their lives with alcoholic partners.
Give yourself time to heal. Don't blame yourself for his problems or spend time and energy trying to figure him out. Do things you enjoy, be good to yourself and you will absolutely, positively, get past the pain of this breakup.
::hugs:: to you
My first love, my first lover was an addict/alcoholic who swore up and down he loved me. When he was sober the love and passion were intense. When he was drunk/stoned he lied, hit me, forced himself on me and stole from me and my friends. That's addiction. We were together four years and I almost married him. I thank everything that is holy I didn't marry him. One day you will be just as thankful you are not with this man.
I know the real him would not have done this to me and I think he needs help.
I don't mean to sound harsh and apologize if I do. Keep reading here, read the stories of others and their lives with alcoholic partners.
Give yourself time to heal. Don't blame yourself for his problems or spend time and energy trying to figure him out. Do things you enjoy, be good to yourself and you will absolutely, positively, get past the pain of this breakup.
::hugs:: to you
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 101
Hi Sloane,
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Your post was so heartfelt, honest and beautifully written that it broke my heart. I hope you realize that you are not the cause of his drinking. He drank before you met him, he drank while you were living together and I’m fairly certain that he will continue to drink even though you are no longer together. I suspect he may have actually wanted to drive you away because you were interfering with his drinking. That may be why he was so hurtful towards you.
It’s obvious from your post that you are one who is “wonderful, smart and good”. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is worthy of you; so go ahead and give yourself some time to grieve and then move on to the wonderful future that is waiting for you. And don’t forget to love yourself and take care of yourself.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Your post was so heartfelt, honest and beautifully written that it broke my heart. I hope you realize that you are not the cause of his drinking. He drank before you met him, he drank while you were living together and I’m fairly certain that he will continue to drink even though you are no longer together. I suspect he may have actually wanted to drive you away because you were interfering with his drinking. That may be why he was so hurtful towards you.
It’s obvious from your post that you are one who is “wonderful, smart and good”. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is worthy of you; so go ahead and give yourself some time to grieve and then move on to the wonderful future that is waiting for you. And don’t forget to love yourself and take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome Sloane!
There is so much info here on SR to help you educate yourself. You found the right site for you.
AL chick is totally right in her post above. The young man chose booze over love. What a fool, eh? Doesn't mean the break up doesn't just implode your heart and mind sadly.
There is so much info here on SR to help you educate yourself. You found the right site for you.
AL chick is totally right in her post above. The young man chose booze over love. What a fool, eh? Doesn't mean the break up doesn't just implode your heart and mind sadly.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 86
Slone, I was in your shoes four weeks ago. Heartbroken, confused and questioning the reality of the relationship with my XABF.
You wrote the exact progression that happened in our relationship. Which leads me to believe it is the disease of alcoholism. You are not alone in your struggle to figure it out.
I came here for answers that I couldn't get from him. There really are none. Now, weeks later, I believe he did love me, but no longer can. He can't love anyone. For support I come here and go to Al-anon & AA meetings.
As a non-alcoholic the pain is sometimes overwhelming. I saw signs that something was wrong I never attributed it to alcohol. That was my own ignorance.
I reached out to the only mutual friend we have and asked for her to keep an eye out for him. Let me know if he ends up in jail or the hospital again. He is in a downward spiral, slowly committing suicide. At this point he wont even talk to me and has blocked my number. He chose the bottle over me and wants to be left alone.
My heart breaks for him, but I must heal myself. I struggle daily to refrain from reaching out to him.
Stay strong Slone. Heal yourself. You are way to young and smart to be caught in an alcoholic's web.
I wish the best to you. Keep posting we are here for you.
FeliciaM
You wrote the exact progression that happened in our relationship. Which leads me to believe it is the disease of alcoholism. You are not alone in your struggle to figure it out.
I came here for answers that I couldn't get from him. There really are none. Now, weeks later, I believe he did love me, but no longer can. He can't love anyone. For support I come here and go to Al-anon & AA meetings.
As a non-alcoholic the pain is sometimes overwhelming. I saw signs that something was wrong I never attributed it to alcohol. That was my own ignorance.
I reached out to the only mutual friend we have and asked for her to keep an eye out for him. Let me know if he ends up in jail or the hospital again. He is in a downward spiral, slowly committing suicide. At this point he wont even talk to me and has blocked my number. He chose the bottle over me and wants to be left alone.
My heart breaks for him, but I must heal myself. I struggle daily to refrain from reaching out to him.
Stay strong Slone. Heal yourself. You are way to young and smart to be caught in an alcoholic's web.
I wish the best to you. Keep posting we are here for you.
FeliciaM
Last edited by FeliciaM; 11-01-2014 at 07:41 AM. Reason: spell
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
He said he thinks that he started drinking again because he was unhappy in our relationship and that deep down he wanted it to end.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by 53500 
Btw, Sloane - this is exactly the sort of manipulative bs alcoholics say to deflect their choice to drink onto someone else.
So don't buy it for a second. I wouldn't argue the point (which gets neither of you anywhere), but inside you need to recognize what a raft of BS it is.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: columbus
Posts: 28
Right there with ya girl
Maybe not in the exact same aspects but my fiance and I have been together for five years....Don't get me wrong, he is wonderful But....guess where we met? Bar, of course.....what brought us together?? Drinking, of course....But he can handle it, I don't know when to quit! After my episode 3 nights ago, he promised me and my Mom that he would stop too. Well, that evening he took some items to my Mom and when he got home, guess what? He was drunk! I was so upset......It is going to be extremely hard for me to stay sober if he doesn't. Sometimes ppl want different things, It may work, it may not....I wish you the best Sloane!!!!
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hi Sloane, welcome to SR. I am sorry that you have had to come looking for this forum but I assure you, you will get the help and support you need. Stick about and read the other members stories. Everyone here understands the pain and confusion your going through
Please don't for one minute blame yourself, his addiction has no reflection on who you are as a person and as for him being unhappy wanting to end the relationship that because you found out he had been drinking again and he knew he would have to quit again alcoholics will say anything to protect their addiction even blame the person they love. For an alcoholic it is easier to give up family, friends anyone who knows they have a problem than give up drink, the thought of living without drink is scarier. This is why it has to be their choice to stop and seek help, real help giving up without support, counselling etc won't work. Addiction is progressive and I think you were beginning to see the start of the progression, false promises, lies manipulation, blaming you, trust me it will only get worse for you had stayed with him.
I understand you love him, I love my separated alcoholic husband (AH) but loving someone never stopped addiction, sorry I wish it did. We can love from a distance but staying with an A will only cause you further heartbreak, I was with mine for 18 years and could never leave him, he left me. By leaving you showed incredible strength and realisation that you couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who treated you the way he did. I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will be thankful one day.
Read all you can about addiction but focus on you and your recovery from this, try not to contact him. I have been told many times distance and time is an essential part of your recovery.
Take care and look after yourself
Tight hugs
Please don't for one minute blame yourself, his addiction has no reflection on who you are as a person and as for him being unhappy wanting to end the relationship that because you found out he had been drinking again and he knew he would have to quit again alcoholics will say anything to protect their addiction even blame the person they love. For an alcoholic it is easier to give up family, friends anyone who knows they have a problem than give up drink, the thought of living without drink is scarier. This is why it has to be their choice to stop and seek help, real help giving up without support, counselling etc won't work. Addiction is progressive and I think you were beginning to see the start of the progression, false promises, lies manipulation, blaming you, trust me it will only get worse for you had stayed with him.
I understand you love him, I love my separated alcoholic husband (AH) but loving someone never stopped addiction, sorry I wish it did. We can love from a distance but staying with an A will only cause you further heartbreak, I was with mine for 18 years and could never leave him, he left me. By leaving you showed incredible strength and realisation that you couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who treated you the way he did. I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will be thankful one day.
Read all you can about addiction but focus on you and your recovery from this, try not to contact him. I have been told many times distance and time is an essential part of your recovery.
Take care and look after yourself
Tight hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 7
Thank you all so much for your kind and helpful replies. I am so happy I found this forum and have all of you to help me through this. Reading through all your comments and stories made me cry but also made me feel like I did the right thing and helped me feel like this situation isn't my fault (with the exception of not realizing I should have left sooner) and that I deserve better.
I am still in contact with him over text because we have been having to coordinate us both moving out, but as soon as all of this moving out stuff is dealt with I do not plan to contact him anymore. As hard as it is to break ties completely, I need my space to heal. I went yesterday to pick up more of my things and he told me he would leave so we wouldn't have to see each other, but he fell asleep and was there when I got there. There was empty alcohol everywhere, crushed beer cans all over, beer in the fridge, whiskey in the freezer, etc... It didn't come as much of a surprise, but it was still hard to see.
He talked to me and told me he was sorry for what he had done to me (I should hope so). He also said he wanted to make sure that I knew the reason our relationship ended was "not because of the Alcohol, but because of our differing views on alcohol". I told him he was wrong and that the reason our relationship ended was because he is an addict and that alcohol is his love and therefore anyone else in his life would always come second. He said he didn't believe that because he thinks that if he truly had loved me he wouldn't have been hiding whiskey and lying to me. I told him that those are all behaviors of addicts and that it would not have mattered if he loved me, he would have done those things anyway. I told him addicts will do far worse to the people they love to get their drug.
Even after all that he still didn't seem to believe me. I can't believe that while we were dating he openly admitted he was an alcoholic and even told his family and co-workers he was an alcoholic and now all the sudden he has changed his mind and thinks he is fine. I asked him to do some research online about alcohol and to make up his own mind about what he thought about it, since he told me he's never really researched it and always just did what his family did. He promised me that he would. And although his promises mean squat, it somehow made me feel a little bit better.
He then thanked me for the wonderful 2 years we had spent together and told me I had helped him grow and he learned a lot from being with me. He then said goodbye and gave me a hug (which was so incredibly difficult). I was pretty shook up by the whole experience and will try harder to make sure he isn't there in the future if I need to go there, because I can't handle that again.
I have come to the realization that being out of his life is the best thing I can do for him, because he won't realize he needs help until he has hit rock bottom and as long as I'm around that won't happen.
My wonderful family is being very supportive and is currently going to pick up my furniture and most of the rest of my things, so that I don't have to go back so soon. Even if he isn't there, I can't handle being back there after what happened yesterday. I'm putting in my move out notice at our apartment and plan to live at my parents house and focus on taking care of myself for a while.
I am so thankful for my wonderful family, my awesome cat Pixel who is always bringing me joy and for the members of this forum. I know anytime I have a bad day or hit a rough spot in my recovery from this I can come back to SR and I'll find support. I also don't think I would have handled yesterdays encounter as well if I hadn't got the help and strength from all your responses.
I have barely slept at all in the past 3 days and can only eat little bits at a time. Does anyone have any advise on how I can start sleeping again? This would be easier to handle if I wasn't sleep deprived all the time.
I am still in contact with him over text because we have been having to coordinate us both moving out, but as soon as all of this moving out stuff is dealt with I do not plan to contact him anymore. As hard as it is to break ties completely, I need my space to heal. I went yesterday to pick up more of my things and he told me he would leave so we wouldn't have to see each other, but he fell asleep and was there when I got there. There was empty alcohol everywhere, crushed beer cans all over, beer in the fridge, whiskey in the freezer, etc... It didn't come as much of a surprise, but it was still hard to see.
He talked to me and told me he was sorry for what he had done to me (I should hope so). He also said he wanted to make sure that I knew the reason our relationship ended was "not because of the Alcohol, but because of our differing views on alcohol". I told him he was wrong and that the reason our relationship ended was because he is an addict and that alcohol is his love and therefore anyone else in his life would always come second. He said he didn't believe that because he thinks that if he truly had loved me he wouldn't have been hiding whiskey and lying to me. I told him that those are all behaviors of addicts and that it would not have mattered if he loved me, he would have done those things anyway. I told him addicts will do far worse to the people they love to get their drug.
Even after all that he still didn't seem to believe me. I can't believe that while we were dating he openly admitted he was an alcoholic and even told his family and co-workers he was an alcoholic and now all the sudden he has changed his mind and thinks he is fine. I asked him to do some research online about alcohol and to make up his own mind about what he thought about it, since he told me he's never really researched it and always just did what his family did. He promised me that he would. And although his promises mean squat, it somehow made me feel a little bit better.
He then thanked me for the wonderful 2 years we had spent together and told me I had helped him grow and he learned a lot from being with me. He then said goodbye and gave me a hug (which was so incredibly difficult). I was pretty shook up by the whole experience and will try harder to make sure he isn't there in the future if I need to go there, because I can't handle that again.
I have come to the realization that being out of his life is the best thing I can do for him, because he won't realize he needs help until he has hit rock bottom and as long as I'm around that won't happen.
My wonderful family is being very supportive and is currently going to pick up my furniture and most of the rest of my things, so that I don't have to go back so soon. Even if he isn't there, I can't handle being back there after what happened yesterday. I'm putting in my move out notice at our apartment and plan to live at my parents house and focus on taking care of myself for a while.
I am so thankful for my wonderful family, my awesome cat Pixel who is always bringing me joy and for the members of this forum. I know anytime I have a bad day or hit a rough spot in my recovery from this I can come back to SR and I'll find support. I also don't think I would have handled yesterdays encounter as well if I hadn't got the help and strength from all your responses.
I have barely slept at all in the past 3 days and can only eat little bits at a time. Does anyone have any advise on how I can start sleeping again? This would be easier to handle if I wasn't sleep deprived all the time.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Firstly Sloane, you handles seeing him amazing well and I appreciate how difficult that would have been for you. Secondly an alcoholic will come up with any excuse to keep drinking and will always rationalise their drinking even if faced with the facts I mean seriously different views on alcohol!!! but you have done all you can now focus on you.
I struggled to sleep initially as well and eating made me sick I think this is normal for anyone going through a traumatic event. Have you tried meditation or relaxation strategies before going to sleep to help clear your mind? It can help but you need to give yourself time. Try to eat little and often keep your energy up.
I struggled to sleep initially as well and eating made me sick I think this is normal for anyone going through a traumatic event. Have you tried meditation or relaxation strategies before going to sleep to help clear your mind? It can help but you need to give yourself time. Try to eat little and often keep your energy up.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
You are so wise for your age. I am really impressed by the way you have handled this. It is sooo hard and you did the right thing! Honestly, when I went through a bad break up I talked to my doctor and asked for a prescription for 30 days. Don't be afraid to ask for help, even from a doctor.
Good for you, really.
Good for you, really.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Butterfly
Have you tried meditation or relaxation strategies before going to sleep to help clear your mind? It can help but you need to give yourself time. Try to eat little and often keep your energy up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Hope7726
You are so wise for your age. I am really impressed by the way you have handled this. It is sooo hard and you did the right thing! Honestly, when I went through a bad break up I talked to my doctor and asked for a prescription for 30 days. Don't be afraid to ask for help, even from a doctor.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 101
Thanks for the update Sloane,
I am so glad to hear that you doing OK and that you have family to help you. You have handled everything with intelligence and grace and I applaud you. I’m also glad to hear that you stood up for yourself and refused to let him manipulate the conversation.
A far as not sleeping or eating, you may be experiencing situational depression/anxiety, so the advice to see a doctor is excellent. Other things that may help are bubble baths, funny movies with happy endings, and long, relaxing walks. Take time to pamper yourself and allow family and friends to spoil you a little. You deserve it! I’m also a cat lover so I know Pixel will do his/her part to help you heal.
I am so glad to hear that you doing OK and that you have family to help you. You have handled everything with intelligence and grace and I applaud you. I’m also glad to hear that you stood up for yourself and refused to let him manipulate the conversation.
A far as not sleeping or eating, you may be experiencing situational depression/anxiety, so the advice to see a doctor is excellent. Other things that may help are bubble baths, funny movies with happy endings, and long, relaxing walks. Take time to pamper yourself and allow family and friends to spoil you a little. You deserve it! I’m also a cat lover so I know Pixel will do his/her part to help you heal.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I told him he was wrong and that the reason our relationship ended was because he is an addict and that alcohol is his love and therefore anyone else in his life would always come second. He said he didn't believe that because he thinks that if he truly had loved me he wouldn't have been hiding whiskey and lying to me. I told him that those are all behaviors of addicts and that it would not have mattered if he loved me, he would have done those things anyway. I told him addicts will do far worse to the people they love to get their drug.
As for sleeping: melatonin helps. You can get it in vitamin stores or anywhere supplements are sold. There's a kind you put under your tongue which is milder than the capsule kind. My chiropractor, who also is great with holistic medicine, recommends it when I have trouble sleeping. Sleep deprivation is awful, I hope you get some rest ASAP.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Sloan, good for u for leaving and reaching out for support. You are smarter then a lot of us who waited so long to reach out for help.
One thing I want you to understand, your boyfriend is an alcohlic so anything he says and does is not always rational. I am sure he does love you but you know he loves his addiction first. Maybe one day he will get help for it and maybe not. You can love him from a distance. But you are working a healthy program for you and that's the best thing you can do.
The old saying is
if you leave and he gets sober good for you
If you leave and he doesn't get sober good for you.
One thing I want you to understand, your boyfriend is an alcohlic so anything he says and does is not always rational. I am sure he does love you but you know he loves his addiction first. Maybe one day he will get help for it and maybe not. You can love him from a distance. But you are working a healthy program for you and that's the best thing you can do.
The old saying is
if you leave and he gets sober good for you
If you leave and he doesn't get sober good for you.
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