Struggling with break up from alcoholic boyfriend
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Conroe
Posts: 3
Broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend after 2yrs
I broke up with my boyfriend after two years today!! He is not working no job and lives with his mom he is 39!! He drinks beer daily and large bottles of voldka!! I always kept thinking if I just hang around he will get help and change!! Over the past two years he has never taken me to a nice restaurant or anything for that matter!! I have done everything for him!! His mom let's all of this continue because she does not want to live alone!! His drinking broke up his marriage!! I know now what I want in live someone who wants to build a life with me!! Not worry about where his next drink is coming from!! He has left me voice mail today saying he knows he messed up again with his drinking and still loves me not to do this to HIM!!! Selfish that's part of the disease!! I'm standing my ground and moving on with my LIFE!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by maia1234 
One thing I want you to understand, your boyfriend is an alcohlic so anything he says and does is not always rational. I am sure he does love you but you know he loves his addiction first. Maybe one day he will get help for it and maybe not. You can love him from a distance. But you are working a healthy program for you and that's the best thing you can do.
I think the fact he is my first love is part of why this is so difficult, it is hard to imagine being with someone else and I feel like I shouldn't start dating or trying to meet people until I'm over this, because it wouldn't be far to the other person.
As for sleeping: melatonin helps. You can get it in vitamin stores or anywhere supplements are sold. There's a kind you put under your tongue which is milder than the capsule kind. My chiropractor, who also is great with holistic medicine, recommends it when I have trouble sleeping. Sleep deprivation is awful, I hope you get some rest ASAP
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 86
Sloane the rollercoaster you are riding is normal. I was there about 3 weeks. Ugh. It was overwhelming. Couldn't eat, sleep or stop thinking of and wanting him. Asking the what ifs.
He's refused to talk to me at all. Other then a week long binge, I dont know what happened that he ended in the hospital for 4 days and in the ER 2 days later with his head split opened. At this point none of the details matter. He's an alcoholic and there is nothing I can do about it.
Your instincts are impeccable regarding this guy. Please don't second guess yourself. Close this chapter in your life and move on. The roller coaster ride will end.
Be kind to yourself and give it time. Over schedule the next 3 weekends, with family and friends. Stay busy even if you don't want to.
He's refused to talk to me at all. Other then a week long binge, I dont know what happened that he ended in the hospital for 4 days and in the ER 2 days later with his head split opened. At this point none of the details matter. He's an alcoholic and there is nothing I can do about it.
Your instincts are impeccable regarding this guy. Please don't second guess yourself. Close this chapter in your life and move on. The roller coaster ride will end.
Be kind to yourself and give it time. Over schedule the next 3 weekends, with family and friends. Stay busy even if you don't want to.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 31
Sloane,
I wish I'd had your courage! You are truly amazing.
I am almost 7 months out of my relationship with my XABF, and I should have left much earlier. Before he started to control when I could see my family. Before he eroded my self esteem to nothing. Before he started verbally abusing me and having me question my own intelligence. Before I was scared of him.
I had a similar experience with him getting so drunk that the ambulance was required. His blood alcohol was 0.38 and he was walking and talking. The doctors said normally a person would be in a coma at that level. He promised me that was the end. No more drinking. He lasted 2 months and then had some drinks to celebrate his 2 months sobriety (!!).
I no longer communicate with him, but the first few months after I left, he would abuse me over the telephone, via email or via text and make me doubt my decision. Thank goodness I had this forum. Without it, I have no doubt that he would have sucked me back into the black hole with him.
I too had to move back in with my family, and at 34 years old, that made me feel like a failure. But I am EVER so glad I did. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I am no longer afraid or stressed or walking on eggshells.
Take care of yourself, do things that you enjoy and surround yourself with supportive people. Never doubt that you have done the right thing.
I wish I'd had your courage! You are truly amazing.
I am almost 7 months out of my relationship with my XABF, and I should have left much earlier. Before he started to control when I could see my family. Before he eroded my self esteem to nothing. Before he started verbally abusing me and having me question my own intelligence. Before I was scared of him.
I had a similar experience with him getting so drunk that the ambulance was required. His blood alcohol was 0.38 and he was walking and talking. The doctors said normally a person would be in a coma at that level. He promised me that was the end. No more drinking. He lasted 2 months and then had some drinks to celebrate his 2 months sobriety (!!).
I no longer communicate with him, but the first few months after I left, he would abuse me over the telephone, via email or via text and make me doubt my decision. Thank goodness I had this forum. Without it, I have no doubt that he would have sucked me back into the black hole with him.
I too had to move back in with my family, and at 34 years old, that made me feel like a failure. But I am EVER so glad I did. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I am no longer afraid or stressed or walking on eggshells.
Take care of yourself, do things that you enjoy and surround yourself with supportive people. Never doubt that you have done the right thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 7
Hi everyone, it has now been 38 days now since my XAB and I broke up. I don't know how I would have made it this far without you all, so thank you all very much!
My ex and I stayed in contact over text for 3 weeks because we needed to coordinate getting our things and moving out and all of that. We ended up having a nice text conversation a couple weeks ago and we both said we didn't regret being together as the relationship helped us both learn and grow and we both agreed the break up was for the best but that we still care about each other. He said he was happy we could still text a little and it is nice to know how I'm doing. He also said he was planning to work on figuring out what he wanted out of life. So we ended things on a positive note and basically it was implied that we could still contact each other if either of us wanted/needed to. The last time we texted was 2 weeks ago and I had decided after that I would not contact him again for at least a couple months (maybe never) so I could focus on myself and give us both space to recover from the break up.
I have been doing better with accepting everything and have been working on rebuilding my life without him. I still miss him, but I figure that will (hopefully) fade in time. However I find myself worrying about him all of the time. I fear he won't be able to handle the stress of our break up and the stress of his work (it is always horrible for him during the holidays) and that he will do something stupid and no one will be there for him. He temporarily moved back in with his brother (who I suspect may also be an alcoholic and I think will be a terrible influence on him) because he didn't have anywhere else to go, but I don't have any faith in him looking out for him. I was really the only person in his life who deeply cared for him and was a positive influence. I keep getting flash backs to the night I took him to the ER. It kills me not knowing if he is ok. I know it isn't my place to worry or take care of him anymore, but I don't know how to stop caring about someone who I love and spent 2 years of my life with. The constant worry is distracting and makes it hard for me to focus on work, life or anything. I feel like I have no motivation.
There is a guy I know who worked with my XAB for many years and he is an A who has been sober for 20+ years. He left the company and my XAB had always loved working with him and he looked up to him and was pretty close to him. I also worked for the company for a couple years and got to know this man and think he is a wonderful person. I called this guy about a week ago to ask if I could use him as a reference for something and chatted with him for a little while and told him my ex and I had broke up because of his drinking. He told me that sometimes the things we need to do in life are not the things we want to do and he was happy for me that I was moving on with my life. He had implied that he might call and talk to my ex since he hadn't heard from him in months and still cares about him. He said that all his brothers are alcoholics and that he told them that he will love them until they die, but he won't watch them kill themselves. He also said it was a real treat to hear from me, that he cares about me, that I should call if I ever need anything and that he would like to stay in touch. Anyway, I'm tempted to call this man again to see if he ever did call and check on my ex and if he didn't then ask him if he wouldn't mind. It would make me feel better to know that my ex still at least has him looking out for him. But this man has already been through so much in his life relating to alcohol that I feel bad asking that of him. Maybe I shouldn't though. Maybe my ex needs to feel as though he has lost everyone who cares about him before he will choose to get help. Maybe the more I feel like I want to help him, the more I am actually hurting him. Maybe I should just leave it alone and call to catch up in a couple months and then maybe I could ask if he's heard anything. Does anyone have any ideas of how I can get past the constant worry?
My ex and I stayed in contact over text for 3 weeks because we needed to coordinate getting our things and moving out and all of that. We ended up having a nice text conversation a couple weeks ago and we both said we didn't regret being together as the relationship helped us both learn and grow and we both agreed the break up was for the best but that we still care about each other. He said he was happy we could still text a little and it is nice to know how I'm doing. He also said he was planning to work on figuring out what he wanted out of life. So we ended things on a positive note and basically it was implied that we could still contact each other if either of us wanted/needed to. The last time we texted was 2 weeks ago and I had decided after that I would not contact him again for at least a couple months (maybe never) so I could focus on myself and give us both space to recover from the break up.
I have been doing better with accepting everything and have been working on rebuilding my life without him. I still miss him, but I figure that will (hopefully) fade in time. However I find myself worrying about him all of the time. I fear he won't be able to handle the stress of our break up and the stress of his work (it is always horrible for him during the holidays) and that he will do something stupid and no one will be there for him. He temporarily moved back in with his brother (who I suspect may also be an alcoholic and I think will be a terrible influence on him) because he didn't have anywhere else to go, but I don't have any faith in him looking out for him. I was really the only person in his life who deeply cared for him and was a positive influence. I keep getting flash backs to the night I took him to the ER. It kills me not knowing if he is ok. I know it isn't my place to worry or take care of him anymore, but I don't know how to stop caring about someone who I love and spent 2 years of my life with. The constant worry is distracting and makes it hard for me to focus on work, life or anything. I feel like I have no motivation.
There is a guy I know who worked with my XAB for many years and he is an A who has been sober for 20+ years. He left the company and my XAB had always loved working with him and he looked up to him and was pretty close to him. I also worked for the company for a couple years and got to know this man and think he is a wonderful person. I called this guy about a week ago to ask if I could use him as a reference for something and chatted with him for a little while and told him my ex and I had broke up because of his drinking. He told me that sometimes the things we need to do in life are not the things we want to do and he was happy for me that I was moving on with my life. He had implied that he might call and talk to my ex since he hadn't heard from him in months and still cares about him. He said that all his brothers are alcoholics and that he told them that he will love them until they die, but he won't watch them kill themselves. He also said it was a real treat to hear from me, that he cares about me, that I should call if I ever need anything and that he would like to stay in touch. Anyway, I'm tempted to call this man again to see if he ever did call and check on my ex and if he didn't then ask him if he wouldn't mind. It would make me feel better to know that my ex still at least has him looking out for him. But this man has already been through so much in his life relating to alcohol that I feel bad asking that of him. Maybe I shouldn't though. Maybe my ex needs to feel as though he has lost everyone who cares about him before he will choose to get help. Maybe the more I feel like I want to help him, the more I am actually hurting him. Maybe I should just leave it alone and call to catch up in a couple months and then maybe I could ask if he's heard anything. Does anyone have any ideas of how I can get past the constant worry?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd leave it alone in terms of asking the guy to talk to him. You really don't need to be falling back into "fix-it" mode.
All I can suggest about getting past the worry is to remember he isn't your problem. You can't do anything for him. He is capable of getting all the help he needs when he is ready for it. Focus on what will make your life better. Take up a new interest, or pick up an old one, and spend some mental energy on that.
All I can suggest about getting past the worry is to remember he isn't your problem. You can't do anything for him. He is capable of getting all the help he needs when he is ready for it. Focus on what will make your life better. Take up a new interest, or pick up an old one, and spend some mental energy on that.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
I was the exact same way. What I did in the end was ask his parents (who had been in way too much contact with me and needed to back off) to contact me only if he was either seriously ill in hospital or dead so I could say goodbye.
Knowing they would do that meant I could stop wondering how he was and focus on how I was...
Knowing they would do that meant I could stop wondering how he was and focus on how I was...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
We go to great lengths NOT to feel "our" feelings but re-attaching yourself to him and his issues is not the answer.
As much as it sucks, we need to work through those feelings and feel them. It's ok to worry about people we can no longer have in our lives but it's not healthy to obsess over them.
When we find ourselves in that obsessing mode, looking and searching for fixes for them so then WE can feel ok is when we need to detach further. Work through those thoughts and feelings without acting on trying to stop them.
With you, without you, with that guy in his life or without him, your ex is going to do what he's going to do and a phone call from someone with a past history of drinking isn't going to be the big change that takes place in his life. That change is only going to come when he decides to make it.
We get all kinds of crazy thoughts on how to fix them, makes us feel like we are doing all we can and with each failed attempt makes us feel more dread.
The key is to work our own recovery, become the recovery we so desperately want them to be. Take that first step, admit your powerless over his alcoholism and your life still remains affected by it.
I think you detaching from it and not making further contact about it is the right next step.
As much as it sucks, we need to work through those feelings and feel them. It's ok to worry about people we can no longer have in our lives but it's not healthy to obsess over them.
When we find ourselves in that obsessing mode, looking and searching for fixes for them so then WE can feel ok is when we need to detach further. Work through those thoughts and feelings without acting on trying to stop them.
With you, without you, with that guy in his life or without him, your ex is going to do what he's going to do and a phone call from someone with a past history of drinking isn't going to be the big change that takes place in his life. That change is only going to come when he decides to make it.
We get all kinds of crazy thoughts on how to fix them, makes us feel like we are doing all we can and with each failed attempt makes us feel more dread.
The key is to work our own recovery, become the recovery we so desperately want them to be. Take that first step, admit your powerless over his alcoholism and your life still remains affected by it.
I think you detaching from it and not making further contact about it is the right next step.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
I have finally just walked away from a 1 year relationship with an alcoholic. I finally hit my limit and I was ready to walk. When you get to that place, it's so good when you can finally walk and not look back. Keep moving forward. We're all here for you 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 3
Exactly what I'm experiencing right now , I was still in a 5yrs relationship with my alcoholic BF few days ago. (I just hit my limit and told him I really felt miserable in this relationship). He was definitely an addict who would buy a carton of beer pretty much every second day and he was even worse than your bf (he pissed the bed every time he was drunk and yes I was the one who had to clean the mess as we slept in the same bed) I had always waited for him to quit drinking or at least changed a bit for me ..how naive and silly I was! Sometimes he would even did something silly when he was drunk, like chucking stuff on the floor, crawled on the floor, lifted me up etc etc and then the next day he'd just told me he didn't remember what had happened when he was drunk. It just kept going on over and over again. I really loved him did everything for him and tried my best to put up with his addiction but I felt like I was being taken for granted by him. Until few days ago , I started thinking about my future life as I'm turning 27 soon. I realized it was not a "healthy" relationship and I can't marry an alcoholic like him ever tho he is a very kind, loving person. He agreed to break up and told me he kept on drinking cos he was so miserable in this relationship and he didn't know how to tell me it should be ended...I'm still feeling hurt and heartbroken but I think one day he will realize and regret that he gave up on someone who really loved him with all her heart. It's time for me to move on after reading all these posts
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 4
Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 16 months and although he is an alcoholic he has always been attentive, loving and caring. he has never worked but things have always been good , we had a very intense relationship from day one doing everything together. recently he got in touch with an old friend from 30 years ago and things seemed to go down hill, i finally caught them cuddled up on the sofa one morning and asked what was going on, to be told they are only good friends. but he has now lost trust in me and accused me of being jealous and says that he cant live like that , hes had it before with previous relationships. I gave up my rented house and sold everything to move in with him and now he wants me to move out (which I have done) i am back sleeping on my ex husbands sofa.
he says he loves me and misses me but is no longer in love with me but i love the bones of this man. and really don't want to give up on the relationship.
now he keeps texted me asking how i am . tell him i miss him and he says the same. I don't understand !
he says he loves me and misses me but is no longer in love with me but i love the bones of this man. and really don't want to give up on the relationship.
now he keeps texted me asking how i am . tell him i miss him and he says the same. I don't understand !
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 4
Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 16 months and although he is an alcoholic he has always been attentive, loving and caring. he has never worked but things have always been good , we had a very intense relationship from day one doing everything together. recently he got in touch with an old friend from 30 years ago and things seemed to go down hill, i finally caught them cuddled up on the sofa one morning and asked what was going on, to be told they are only good friends. but he has now lost trust in me and accused me of being jealous and says that he cant live like that , hes had it before with previous relationships. I gave up my rented house and sold everything to move in with him and now he wants me to move out (which I have done) i am back sleeping on my ex husbands sofa.
he says he loves me and misses me but is no longer in love with me but i love the bones of this man. and really don't want to give up on the relationship.
now he keeps texted me asking how i am . tell him i miss him and he says the same. I don't understand !
he says he loves me and misses me but is no longer in love with me but i love the bones of this man. and really don't want to give up on the relationship.
now he keeps texted me asking how i am . tell him i miss him and he says the same. I don't understand !
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
This is an old thread from 3 years ago so you might want to post a new one.
Relationship endings stink especially when you are the one not wanting it to end. He’s not being very loving or caring right now towards you, seems he’s trying to rid himself of any guilt he feels of having recycled an old relationship while still involved with you by texting nice things to smooth it out.
Alcoholic or not when someone truly loves you, respects you and cares deeply for you, they won’t allow another person to come in between that.
Addicts are notorious for instability in relationships because they are always chasing after their next high. He managed to keep his stability for 16 months until he couldn’t any longer, he moved on to his next high.
You don’t want to give up on the relationship but he’s already gone no matter what his words read on a text message his actions told you all you need to know. I’m sure you are not naïve enough to believe his ridiculous story of “just an old friend” I mean come on your eyes saw what your eyes saw. Then he did what most addicts do, he deflected and then turned it all around on you! Blamed you and made you move out so that he could get on with his next high.
I am sorry you are going through this, life with an alcoholic is filled with hurt and pain. One of your best tools right now is in knowing that you deserve so much more then what he could possible offer you in the long term. I would block him from the ability to cause you further emotional damage.
Relationship endings stink especially when you are the one not wanting it to end. He’s not being very loving or caring right now towards you, seems he’s trying to rid himself of any guilt he feels of having recycled an old relationship while still involved with you by texting nice things to smooth it out.
Alcoholic or not when someone truly loves you, respects you and cares deeply for you, they won’t allow another person to come in between that.
Addicts are notorious for instability in relationships because they are always chasing after their next high. He managed to keep his stability for 16 months until he couldn’t any longer, he moved on to his next high.
You don’t want to give up on the relationship but he’s already gone no matter what his words read on a text message his actions told you all you need to know. I’m sure you are not naïve enough to believe his ridiculous story of “just an old friend” I mean come on your eyes saw what your eyes saw. Then he did what most addicts do, he deflected and then turned it all around on you! Blamed you and made you move out so that he could get on with his next high.
I am sorry you are going through this, life with an alcoholic is filled with hurt and pain. One of your best tools right now is in knowing that you deserve so much more then what he could possible offer you in the long term. I would block him from the ability to cause you further emotional damage.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Albany, NY
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by atalose
This is an old thread from 3 years ago so you might want to post a new one.
Relationship endings stink especially when you are the one not wanting it to end. He’s not being very loving or caring right now towards you, seems he’s trying to rid himself of any guilt he feels of having recycled an old relationship while still involved with you by texting nice things to smooth it out.
Alcoholic or not when someone truly loves you, respects you and cares deeply for you, they won’t allow another person to come in between that.
Addicts are notorious for instability in relationships because they are always chasing after their next high. He managed to keep his stability for 16 months until he couldn’t any longer, he moved on to his next high.
You don’t want to give up on the relationship but he’s already gone no matter what his words read on a text message his actions told you all you need to know. I’m sure you are not naïve enough to believe his ridiculous story of “just an old friend” I mean come on your eyes saw what your eyes saw. Then he did what most addicts do, he deflected and then turned it all around on you! Blamed you and made you move out so that he could get on with his next high.
I am sorry you are going through this, life with an alcoholic is filled with hurt and pain. One of your best tools right now is in knowing that you deserve so much more then what he could possible offer you in the long term. I would block him from the ability to cause you further emotional damage.
Relationship endings stink especially when you are the one not wanting it to end. He’s not being very loving or caring right now towards you, seems he’s trying to rid himself of any guilt he feels of having recycled an old relationship while still involved with you by texting nice things to smooth it out.
Alcoholic or not when someone truly loves you, respects you and cares deeply for you, they won’t allow another person to come in between that.
Addicts are notorious for instability in relationships because they are always chasing after their next high. He managed to keep his stability for 16 months until he couldn’t any longer, he moved on to his next high.
You don’t want to give up on the relationship but he’s already gone no matter what his words read on a text message his actions told you all you need to know. I’m sure you are not naïve enough to believe his ridiculous story of “just an old friend” I mean come on your eyes saw what your eyes saw. Then he did what most addicts do, he deflected and then turned it all around on you! Blamed you and made you move out so that he could get on with his next high.
I am sorry you are going through this, life with an alcoholic is filled with hurt and pain. One of your best tools right now is in knowing that you deserve so much more then what he could possible offer you in the long term. I would block him from the ability to cause you further emotional damage.
Reading this thread has given me so much clarity.
How can one ever convey how sorry they are?
Now that I'm sober, I would tell him that if I could have, I would have left me too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by PetiteK
Exactly what I'm experiencing right now , I was still in a 5yrs relationship with my alcoholic BF few days ago. (I just hit my limit and told him I really felt miserable in this relationship). He was definitely an addict who would buy a carton of beer pretty much every second day and he was even worse than your bf (he pissed the bed every time he was drunk and yes I was the one who had to clean the mess as we slept in the same bed) I had always waited for him to quit drinking or at least changed a bit for me ..how naive and silly I was! Sometimes he would even did something silly when he was drunk, like chucking stuff on the floor, crawled on the floor, lifted me up etc etc and then the next day he'd just told me he didn't remember what had happened when he was drunk. It just kept going on over and over again. I really loved him did everything for him and tried my best to put up with his addiction but I felt like I was being taken for granted by him. Until few days ago , I started thinking about my future life as I'm turning 27 soon. I realized it was not a "healthy" relationship and I can't marry an alcoholic like him ever tho he is a very kind, loving person. He agreed to break up and told me he kept on drinking cos he was so miserable in this relationship and he didn't know how to tell me it should be ended...I'm still feeling hurt and heartbroken but I think one day he will realize and regret that he gave up on someone who really loved him with all her heart. It's time for me to move on after reading all these posts
He drinks everynight and on some night he would go out with friends and get blacked out drunk. He wont remember anything, what he did, where he went or how he got home. Id wake up on some night wet from his pee, i cleaned his mess, cooked for him, did his laundry, i looked after him so well. I took good care of him but no amount of cooking, cleaning, loving and caring made hime change.
Just a month ago the incident that made me leave happened. He drank too much peed in bed again and as usual i washed all the sheets. He went drinking for over 12 hours, went to a strip club, passed out on cab and slept on the couch at the lobby of our condo building.
That was all I can take. I packed all my stuff and left and i hope ill never go back ever again. We stopped talking three weeks ago and I still worry about him so much. I care a lot eventho he never checked on me anymore after we last spoke.
I had a tracker and saw him going to bars on those time we broke up which i decided to delete to help myself recover and heal. I had access to his instagram and killed myself multiple times after seeing him searching for different women and his ex before me.
I am so angry and just dont respect him anymore. A guy like him i dont want to ever see again. I have so much hatred right now and I hope we never see each other again.
I still cry and miss him deeply and i honestl love him a lot but this is for my best and for my well being. His alchohol and cigarrette are more important and i wish him all the best eventho it still hurts.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Wichita, KS
Posts: 19
Hi Sloane! I have to join the others in saying that you are doing the right thing. The pain of the breakup...it always reminds me of grief because it is a loss. Like any grief, you have to give it time. A person can only handle so much grief and the time comes when you find yourself having to shake it off and get back to the business of living.
Just a thought...if you still struggle with eating, sometimes fruit/vegetable juices go down easier than food, and you get some nourishment. There are tons of delicious choices out there, just make sure they are real food and not fake sugar drinks.
Blessings to you and your future!
Just a thought...if you still struggle with eating, sometimes fruit/vegetable juices go down easier than food, and you get some nourishment. There are tons of delicious choices out there, just make sure they are real food and not fake sugar drinks.
Blessings to you and your future!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by Sloane91
Hello everyone,
My alcoholic boyfriend (29) and I (23) broke up last night. We had been together for almost 2 years and living together for 4 months. I came from a family that didn’t drink at all (because both my parents had parents who were alcohol abusers and therefore they didn’t want anything to do with it when they grew up). My boyfriend on the other hand came from a family where drinking was a big part of their life and widely accepted.
I am currently staying with my parents and he is still at our apartment. I knew going into my relationship with him that he liked to drink alcohol but didn’t realize how much he usually drank until many months into our relationship. I told him that I was fine with him drinking and brewing his own beer as long as he kept it to reasonable levels that wouldn’t destroy his health or our relationship, I even tried a few sips the beers he brought over and liked some of them (I had never drank before this). However, a couple beers wasn’t enough for him, he NEEDED his shots of whiskey as well and he was letting it ruin our relationship.
It was like alcohol had control of him and it was always on his mind and how “nothing was fun without it”. That is when I helped him come to the conclusion that he is an alcoholic. He then decided to quit drinking and was sober for 3 months (with no physical withdrawal symptoms). Then he relapsed and didn’t tell me. Instead he hid the bottle of whiskey in the closet and let me continue believing he was still sober, until I found it and it broke my heart. The fact he hid it bothered me a lot more than the fact he relapsed. He apologized and promised he would never hide anything from me again and that he would try to stay sober again.
Then I came home one night not too long after that and found him collapsed in the middle of the floor and he would not talk or respond to me (he had told me once before that he never drinks to the point of blacking out). I didn’t know if he had been drinking or if something else was wrong with him. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do so I took him to the emergency room. He was so intoxicated he couldn’t walk and I had to get the help of my neighbor to help me take him down to my car. The doctors told me that his blood alcohol level was near 0.40 (I found out later he had drank an entire bottle of whiskey in one sitting, then hid the empty bottle before he collapsed). When I looked it up online I found out that that level could have been fatal in some people, but since he has such a high tolerance he was able to handle it. When the IV had sobered him up enough to be able to talk again he asked me what happened and when I told him he started crying. It was a traumatic and heart breaking experience for both of us. After that he told me he felt like he had hit rock bottom and that he never wanted to have to go through that again and immediately started another attempt at staying sober. He said he had no recollection of where he got the whiskey from and everything from the night before was completely blank.
I discussed rehab with him and I did hours of research to try and find out what I could do to help him be more successful in his next attempt. He didn’t want to go to rehab and he decided he wanted to beat this on his own with me for support. I ran across a book that recommended a supplement regimen to help correct the underlying vitamin deficiencies found in alcoholics and it was suppose to help with the cravings and so he agreed to try that. He told me it was helping him and the second time around seemed much easier. He was talking to me more about it and he seemed to be more open about how he was doing. I thought we were onto something and that this time would be different.
Yesterday I thought he had been sober since then, but last night I found another bottle of whiskey hidden in the closet. I confronted him about it and he said he had been drinking for weeks and he knew if I found it I would probably leave him but that didn’t stop him. He said he thinks that he started drinking again because he was unhappy in our relationship and that deep down he wanted it to end. He also had started lying to me about his opinions on things he knew I would disagree with, so that I would think he agreed with me. He said that “because I was so good to him", he didn’t have a good reason to end it. He said he used to love me and wanted to be with me, but not anymore. He said he felt miserable and that I was driving him to drink. So basically he was saying because I was a good cook and housekeeper he had continued to pretend to love me.
He had shown no signs that he was unhappy being with me and actually would regularly tell me how he loved me, and that he would miss me when I was gone and that I made him happy. Yesterday morning I woke up thinking I was in a happy, loving relationship and then this happened and I feel like my life has instantly crumbled around me and that I have been living a lie for months. I honestly don’t believe most of the things he told me are true. I think he is an addict and therefore has no control over what he does and his mind is tricking him into saying and doing the things he is.
I know that he is a wonderful, smart and good person who is full of potential. I know the real him would not have done this to me and I think he needs help. I sent an email letter to his brother telling him everything that happened so that hopefully he could look out for him and make sure he is ok. Because, even though he broke my heart, I still care about him deeply and don’t want anything bad to happen to him.
He was the first man I ever loved and I feel so broken and hurt. I don’t know whether to believe my relationship with him was mostly a big lie and he was primarily just using me or if I should believe that he did really love me and that none of this was my fault and all of the things he did and said were because of his addiction. I have never had to go through a heartbreak like this before. Does anyone have and thoughts or advice that could help me through this?
My alcoholic boyfriend (29) and I (23) broke up last night. We had been together for almost 2 years and living together for 4 months. I came from a family that didn’t drink at all (because both my parents had parents who were alcohol abusers and therefore they didn’t want anything to do with it when they grew up). My boyfriend on the other hand came from a family where drinking was a big part of their life and widely accepted.
I am currently staying with my parents and he is still at our apartment. I knew going into my relationship with him that he liked to drink alcohol but didn’t realize how much he usually drank until many months into our relationship. I told him that I was fine with him drinking and brewing his own beer as long as he kept it to reasonable levels that wouldn’t destroy his health or our relationship, I even tried a few sips the beers he brought over and liked some of them (I had never drank before this). However, a couple beers wasn’t enough for him, he NEEDED his shots of whiskey as well and he was letting it ruin our relationship.
It was like alcohol had control of him and it was always on his mind and how “nothing was fun without it”. That is when I helped him come to the conclusion that he is an alcoholic. He then decided to quit drinking and was sober for 3 months (with no physical withdrawal symptoms). Then he relapsed and didn’t tell me. Instead he hid the bottle of whiskey in the closet and let me continue believing he was still sober, until I found it and it broke my heart. The fact he hid it bothered me a lot more than the fact he relapsed. He apologized and promised he would never hide anything from me again and that he would try to stay sober again.
Then I came home one night not too long after that and found him collapsed in the middle of the floor and he would not talk or respond to me (he had told me once before that he never drinks to the point of blacking out). I didn’t know if he had been drinking or if something else was wrong with him. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do so I took him to the emergency room. He was so intoxicated he couldn’t walk and I had to get the help of my neighbor to help me take him down to my car. The doctors told me that his blood alcohol level was near 0.40 (I found out later he had drank an entire bottle of whiskey in one sitting, then hid the empty bottle before he collapsed). When I looked it up online I found out that that level could have been fatal in some people, but since he has such a high tolerance he was able to handle it. When the IV had sobered him up enough to be able to talk again he asked me what happened and when I told him he started crying. It was a traumatic and heart breaking experience for both of us. After that he told me he felt like he had hit rock bottom and that he never wanted to have to go through that again and immediately started another attempt at staying sober. He said he had no recollection of where he got the whiskey from and everything from the night before was completely blank.
I discussed rehab with him and I did hours of research to try and find out what I could do to help him be more successful in his next attempt. He didn’t want to go to rehab and he decided he wanted to beat this on his own with me for support. I ran across a book that recommended a supplement regimen to help correct the underlying vitamin deficiencies found in alcoholics and it was suppose to help with the cravings and so he agreed to try that. He told me it was helping him and the second time around seemed much easier. He was talking to me more about it and he seemed to be more open about how he was doing. I thought we were onto something and that this time would be different.
Yesterday I thought he had been sober since then, but last night I found another bottle of whiskey hidden in the closet. I confronted him about it and he said he had been drinking for weeks and he knew if I found it I would probably leave him but that didn’t stop him. He said he thinks that he started drinking again because he was unhappy in our relationship and that deep down he wanted it to end. He also had started lying to me about his opinions on things he knew I would disagree with, so that I would think he agreed with me. He said that “because I was so good to him", he didn’t have a good reason to end it. He said he used to love me and wanted to be with me, but not anymore. He said he felt miserable and that I was driving him to drink. So basically he was saying because I was a good cook and housekeeper he had continued to pretend to love me.
He had shown no signs that he was unhappy being with me and actually would regularly tell me how he loved me, and that he would miss me when I was gone and that I made him happy. Yesterday morning I woke up thinking I was in a happy, loving relationship and then this happened and I feel like my life has instantly crumbled around me and that I have been living a lie for months. I honestly don’t believe most of the things he told me are true. I think he is an addict and therefore has no control over what he does and his mind is tricking him into saying and doing the things he is.
I know that he is a wonderful, smart and good person who is full of potential. I know the real him would not have done this to me and I think he needs help. I sent an email letter to his brother telling him everything that happened so that hopefully he could look out for him and make sure he is ok. Because, even though he broke my heart, I still care about him deeply and don’t want anything bad to happen to him.
He was the first man I ever loved and I feel so broken and hurt. I don’t know whether to believe my relationship with him was mostly a big lie and he was primarily just using me or if I should believe that he did really love me and that none of this was my fault and all of the things he did and said were because of his addiction. I have never had to go through a heartbreak like this before. Does anyone have and thoughts or advice that could help me through this?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by luv2worlds
I just want to let you know this same exact thing happened to me after coming back to my boys dad it brings me comfort to know I'm not the only one and though I figured it was the addiction this brought alot of clarity to me I go to my first meeting with alanon today my kids went to their first meeting with alateen and they seemed to feel refreshed it was a closed group but to see them relieved brought me alot of comfort I know he loves me but I know addiction is really rough and without treatment it can be almost unbearable for the family or loved one I have great support from a friend that currently has been sober for over 6 years and in aa regularly and she lead me to support for me and my kids I just wanted to let you know your not alone my prayers are with you and any all prayers from you kind people for my family and i are much appreciated
So glad to hear you have found Al-Anon, there are many posting in this group that also attend and find it a really helpful tool.
As for your kids, getting them to Alateen is a great thing as well, they need all the support they can get. Hope you will stick around and share more of your story.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
