Christopher1

Realised something today that what I want,other than for my partner to stay alive and in one piece(because I know now that short of a miracle,that is not going to happen) is a LIFE. I want a life that feels good,one that isn't governed by fear,false hope and being torn apart.I want to wake feeling calm and safe,not to more gut-wrenching fear.Not a perfect life,just one that feels worth living; I want that more than anything,because you know what-I am just starting to feel,that maybe,just maybe,I deserve it and that realisation makes me want to cry. I want that for my partner but I can't do that for her,I see that-and that makes me so sad.

lillamy

Big hugs to you. And a boring, everyday little life is exactly what I wanted, too. And that's what I have -- well, more or less. There's still the residual drama caused by trauma as we all recover (me and the kids). But I remember thinking, while I was going through the hellish divorce, that I didn't want ecstatic joy and riches and cocktail parties -- I wanted rainy Tuesday nights in November, coming home from work to a dinner of fish sticks, green peas, and potatoes. I wanted boring.

When a woman is pregnant, I always tell them "I hope you have a calm, uneventful pregnancy" -- and I think that's all I want out of life, too. Calm and uneventful. God knows we deserve it. (((hugs)))

Christopher1

Yes,to be off the fairground ride with its insane highs and. lows. Thank you Lillamy.

Overit23

Beginning to have my life back, my AH I asked to leave and the roller coaster ride is sloing down...takes awhile.

BrokenInPieces

That is a beautiful boring, lillamy.

As much as I miss my x, there have been so many nights in the past months that I've snuggled into bed a little early to get a good night's sleep and thought, "he hasn't even started drinking yet"... or beautiful mornings when the sun is coming through the bedroom windows and I'm up early and headed to work, or church or just out to grab coffee with a friend and thought "he won't even start his day for another few hours".

I pray for him every day to find sobriety - and peace - in his life... and to discover a beautiful boring, and enjoy it.

Christopher1

Anvil explained it that you can become addicted to the drama almost the way the addict is addicted to their substance-I find that scary.Probably something many people here realise already but it was a new way of looking at things for me.

Hammer

Yep. Boring. Boring would be real nice.

Sort of funny, when I see A's cross-over to Alanon from AA . . . have heard them say the ONE thing that pushes them over the edge toward crazy is "boredom."

Boring would be nice.

chicory

Christopher1,

I know...its so sad... you just want peace, and a chance to feel real joy, and to lose that hard knot in the bottom of your stomach.

Stick around here. Your feelings are so so understood.

It will take action on your part....begin to learn what you can do, for you.

Its so hard, and sad, to feel that hopelessness. It can change, it can get better, and you can feel happiness again. Al-anon is all about that, if you can find a meeting where you are.

hugs,
chic

Christopher1

Hammer,that's what I never understood; just when things seemed calm and settled and life for both of us appeared to be pretty normal ,it would always go horribly wrong-like she couldn't just live with that? I don't know-it just never made any sense to me at all.

lillamy

One of my kids is like that. We're working on it, but the way her therapist explains it is -- for people who grew up with drama, drama is normal. When there's no drama -- when nobody's drunk, nobody's beating the crap out of anyone, nobody's screaming and name calling and threatening, then something's wrong. And they get anxious and nervous because they know things are going to return to normal (that's what they think) -- that the mayhem will start again. So if it doesn't, they create it -- just to get relief for their anxiety.

And most of the time, they're not even aware of doing it.

Eauchiche

Interesting thread. What pushed me towards sobriety was boredom. My partner and I could not discuss anything important. He complains constantly, and is one of the unhappiest people I know.
Embracing my own sobriety has enabled me to have meaningful conversations and connections with others, undimmed by the drink.

Hammer

Watched it close from the family side.

When she drives the rest of us to maximum chaos -- kids crying, or us even homeless -- all she has to say is, "I do not see why everyone is so upset -- I feel fine."

AAAAA. Always All About the Alcoholic or Addict.

For the real Mental Illness cases -- dumping their internal chaos on others relieves them.

Kings and Queens of Chaos | Psychology Today

Have seen some of the characters in those photos.

Daughter even did her version in drawings.

Christopher1

To digress slightly; if my partner creates chaos when things are running smoothly'what causes her to do that.She has told me her childhood was uneventful yet when she has talked about things,I don't hear any happy times; its mainly about her fathers alcohol abuse and her mothers unhappiness;they weren't the kind of people who would ever even consider counselling.I think she is in complete denial about the effect on her.

sosadandhurt

[QUOTE=lillamy;4951581]Big hugs to you. And a boring, everyday little life is exactly what I wanted, too. And that's what I have -- well, more or less. There's still the residual drama caused by trauma as we all recover (me and the kids). But I remember thinking, while I was going through the hellish divorce, that I didn't want ecstatic joy and riches and cocktail parties -- I wanted rainy Tuesday nights in November, coming home from work to a dinner of fish sticks, green peas, and potatoes. I wanted boring.

I want that boring life too. I want to be bored with cooking(that I hate), cleaning, washing clothes, mowing grass and vacuuming. I want just a regular life.As i sit here and type, my cat. Basil, sits in front of me and wants attention. I will take that over the drama anyday, because as I reach to pet her, she leans against me and loves it. I just wish my AB acted like my cat.

sunday9

I was/am with my almost XABF for 6 years. I have overlooked and put up with so much chaos ....the best and worst times of my life. I have craved for my boring life I had before ABF. We are in the process of him moving out. I have the boring back. I can't quite enjoy it yet. I always begged him for "medium" to go with the highs and lows. I could put up with it all for some medium times. He couldn't compromise at all. Now that he is pretty much gone (for now) I am missing those highs and lows. I question how I could give that up and go back to boring. I am not needed anymore by him. So while I am enjoying sanity returning I am very sad. I'm kinda scared too....maybe the loss of those highs/lows?

LeeJane

Amen to loving peace and quiet. Stable life with no A induced emotional rollercoasters.

iamthird

I heard in a movie "it should be almost boring how reliable someone is"...I could not agree more.

NWGRITS

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I can attest to being a chaos junkie. If there wasn't a crisis, I'd get uneasy. And then I'd make one. It could be a total mountain out if a molehill, but it satisfied my need for chaos. Growing up in an alcoholic or drug addicted home, that's just the way life goes. There's a pretty good chance she is in denial. That's a common coping mechanism, though not an effective one. Unless/until she decides to put away the drink and confront whatever demons are haunting her, she won't change. I'm sure her past was unpleasant enough that she would rather not confront it. I understand that and I feel for her. But that still doesn't give her a right to treat you badly. No excuses.

NWGRITS

And on the subject of being boring: I just became a stay-at-home mom after 13 years in the hospitality industry. I've never not worked, since college. I've always been a working mom, juggling my job, family, home, and the circus that comes with all that. Finding childcare and dealing with illnesses and school functions. And then there's Mr. Grits being gone a good chunk of the time with his job on top of the cake. I ran on the adrenaline when things would fall through or there were conflicts in scheduling. I quit my job on the first. My only responsibilities now are my kids and my house, and some transcriptionist work I do to get a little extra cash and keep my mind sharp. That's it. Just me, my kids, and a big pile of mismatched socks. I couldn't be happier. I never thought I'd see the day when being a housewife would be desirable, but I love it. I absolutely love it. That definitely speaks to my recovery, which started over two years ago. Boring and everyday are freaking fan-tastic. Can't recommend it enough.

daisy6234

NWGRITS, I have a question in regards to the chaos. why does the chaos feel so normal. My husband grew up with brothers all addicted. It was chaos. Married now 29 years and no chaos he can't cope well. Son has gotten sober. Does not live at home for right now. But I feel like he doesn't know how to relate to calm. Advice what to do. Seems at times to create chaos.