WendyOR

It is a family disease.... it will carry on to unhealthy living conditions for you and if you decide to have children. Think of that. Just say, for your arguments sake... he does only drink on the weekend and abuse you emotionally, and mentally on the weekends... let's just say it stayed like that forever... (which it won't)... and you have a child with this man you get to snuggle with and enjoy during the week.... well, what are you going to do on the weekends when you have kids? What are you going to do on the weekends even if you don't have kids when you are living alone? You can't monitor how much he drinks... it simply won't last... he will drink more if he wants to with or without your permission.... you may not see it, but they have a great way of getting what they want regardless of their addiction.

Bless your parents for wanting to help and meet half way on the rent. Bless them for letting you both live there with no rent to pay, but this is also enabling imho.

I think that everyone that is here responding, regardless of how harsh it sounds, wants you to really look at yourself and see you are worth more than this. They are not saying leave him really, but more of set your boundaries. You will know when it is his circus and his monkeys.

It is hard for me to see how you don't understand this, when you are hearing from others that are addicted to alcohol as well and in recovery. It is hard for me, as they are so wise from the other side of the fence. We don't understand how their minds are effected by the disease, yet they do. Most of them have some sort of motivation to reach out and touch us, as they now realize the effects it has impacted our lives with.

I hope you take a look in the mirror and realize you are worth more than that.

Me: Total codie.... from my childhood, to my adulthood. First husband was an alcoholic, and was placed in Track III in the military by force due to such unsafe behaviors, but you know what... he was a fun loving happy , friendly, snuggler.... he was the guy everyone gravitated to... charming, handsome. I went YEARS without being in a serious relationship with anyone due to the emotional abuse. By the way, he left his sixth wife not long ago, while he was sleeping in the middle of the night. My next person I fell madly in love with, He also was an alcoholic. Not drinking at the time... had gone to some counseling, yet, stopped that. I still didn't know enough, research enough to know about the disease. All I knew is I would be there for him through all of his hurts from his past... guess what... He left me.

Your husband has a disease. He is like them. You, you have a codependency like me.

Whether you like it or not, whether I like it or not, we are all connected here on this board, through pain and sorrow... from both sides. That is just a fact. Just some of us are further along in our recovery. People want to save you from years of hurt. But, like you trying to monitor how much he drinks, which you have no control over.... we all must realize we have no control over if you want to hear the plain, simple truth which is documented through the medical fields.

You know those people in alcoholic marriages that you say are so happy, that is to your eye... you have no idea the pain that has been in those marriages. They may still be keeping the secret...

BoxinRotz

So how tiring is it to babysit your grown husband on the weekend and *allow* him to have another beer or not?

I allowed my husband to have a drink.

Just sit and think about how messed up that sounds.

Soberintexas007

Hi MissBeth,
Thank you for your post. Yes, your post was honest and somewhat hard for me to hear, but it was not as brutal as some of NW's posts to me. I even told one of my friends about this site, and that the reason I have stuck with it is b/c I know deep down that there is an element of truth to a lot of the posts, which I find helpful. I have just found some of NW's posts a bit over the edge, that is all that I was trying to convey to her.

This is all a process for me. As you said, right now, my husband is decent during the week and a jerk on the weekends. That is somewhat true at the time. He is only a jerk on the weekends when he drinks too much, there are some weekends where he remains decent for both days. But yes, I am currently fearful of the weekends b/c I am uncertain if the jerk will come out.

My parents have basically been supportive my whole life, but in many ways I believe they have their own problems. I love my mom, but she can become somewhat aggressive when she drinks, and I have not liked this my entire life. I love my dad, but he can be very controlling. My husband is the best son-in-law when he is sober to my parents, but, as you know, he has also been a jerk when he has drank. I know that a lot of people would have called it off if their spouse did this to their parents, but I have chosen not to.

I agree with NW that treatment would be great for my husband, whether AA and/or counseling, but he is not willing to do this. At the current moment, based on everything, I am CHOOSING to stay with my husband. Will it get worse? Probably. But I want to continue.

I am just hoping that members on this board will continue to be there for support despite my decision to stay with a husband who can be a jerk and refuses to get treatment. And I welcome your honest feedback and opinions, just please try and be SOMEWHAT sensitive into how you word your comments. MissBeth, your post above was very direct, but I was okay with it.

Sungrl

If you are hell bent on staying, at least do these things....

Get to an al-anon meeting ASAP. Several actually.

Move out of your parents house, they don't deserve this.

Don't have kids, or get a pet.

Stop controlling him.You love him sober , you love him drunk. They are both the same person.

Have a rainy day fund because you are not only in for rainy days, you are walking directly into a hurricane.

ardy

prayers is all we can really offer and the message that we are here for you.. i do alot of this writting at work.. why because my hubby has no idea that I have all of you behind me.. safe place even tho this is just a place to open ones heart soul and mind and release the demons of the home...

Sungrl

I take back the part about moving out of your parents house. I got you confused with another poster. Sorry

atalose

My opinion, moving forward you already have your exit plan set that includes your controlling father paying your share of rent and only having your husbands name on a lease - that way when it doens't work out you can come back home. Having an exit plan is very smart but the one you proposed is not a healthy adult one.

Not sure why dad has to pay your rent? and not sure why you think moving someplace else is going to change his attitude or behavior when he drinks too much.

I think the smarter plan would include you going to al-anon, working on your codependency and before making any futrue plans witness his behavior over a longer period of time and see if things change or not. Maybe they get worse, maybe not but his drinking obviously is bothering you other wise you wouldn't be here

Sounds to me like in the mist of his rants and raves you and your parents came up with this plan to appease him and now his attitude has changed and remaining at your parents is ok.

Again, not sure of your situation and why you are both living at your parents but it seems to me a lack of self responsibility on both your parts.....working, paying bill and rent seems difficult and that grown up stuff is being pushed off until December.

Whats the magic that's going to happen from now until December?

Santa

Wow did that just ring a bell with me. I forgot how much I used to dread and hate the weekends, for years....prior to dreading every day.

Soberintexas007

Thank you for all of your posts. The reason why everyone wants to wait to move out until December is because I am finishing my internship. If there is any chaos when we move out, at least I will have already finished my 3 plus year internship. If things do not work out, I will just move back in with my parents, which they are agreeable to. I do not plan on having kids, as I actually would love to get a poodle. Thank you for being my support as I go through this experience, which many of you are predicting is a sinking ship. My husband's days off are Sunday and Monday, so keep me in your prayers on those days.

healthyagain

Oooohhhh the weekends . . . Tomorrow I'll be considering the possible scenarios, how to respond to verbal abuse, which I expect, and where to go if things get worse during the night. This includes having a bag with clothes and other necessities ready and sleeping in a motel. I dread weekends.

If alcoholism is not treated, things get worse. It is a bitter reality. Between the episodes of rage and fights, you may get short periods of sweetness, so-called honeymoon phase. I'm afraid that is what you are having right now.

My denial lasted for some 6 years. Then I had a year of reading and learning and writing intensively and writing on here. Then I had about 4 months of acceptance and crying more or less every day, telling myself nooooo he is not like that. Now I feel like living in a war zone, expecting bombing every moment.

MissBeth

Yep, same here. Friday nights were particularly scary. Especially every second weekend when his children came to stay. He would drink and drink and be outside in the dark and wandering down the street without a torch or a telephone and almost pass out drunk. If he wasn't out wandering, he'd be playing very loud music over and over and over in our very very small house. If I asked him to turn it down, I was a party pooper. If I went to bed early because I didn't want to deal with him anymore, I was a party pooper. If I confronted him and told him he'd had enough to drink, I'd be screamed out and told to leave the house.

Then, he would be a grumpy ba$tard on Saturday due to the hangover and wouldn't want to do anything at all, just sit on the couch all day.

I am so glad I left. I am so glad I listened to those on this very board who told me to RUN. Even though I tolerated it for 6.5 years, in the end, I left with nothing but the clothes on my back, I am grateful that I did not stay for one moment longer. It was not until I had been out for a month that I realized how much stress I was under during my time with him.

JustBreathe, I hope you stick around this forum. I hope you keep reading, even when you say you have already chosen to stay. It is never too late to leave.

LadySylvanas

Please, please, please DO as Grits says. PLEASE!

ru12

As you know from your own experience some recover without treatment, in fact if you believe the research MOST recover without any treatment at all. A small fraction of people with alcoholism ever attend AA, and only 3-5% of those that do stay with it and find lasting sobriety. Alcoholism dos NOT always get worse without treatment. That is simply false. When I decided that alcohol was messing up my life I quit drinking it. No meetings. No steps. No therapy. I've been sober coming up on four years. I say this because you are being bombarded with opinions expressed as facts. With all that said, probably nothing will change if he doesn't stop drinking. Alcohol is negatively affecting his relationships and if he values them he should stop drinking.

There is no excuse for your husband to treat you poorly. None. If he makes the choice to drink he is responsible for the results if that decision. Period. May you find peace.

Soberintexas007

Thank you for your post Ru. I agree with you in that treatment is not necessary for someone to heal from the negative effects of drinking. And that is because the choice not to drink needs to come from within, and no treatment can give that to someone. And I also agree with you that many people on these boards express their opinions as facts, which is silly. But I try not to become defensive, as people are who they are, and I know what I know for myself. At the same time, I would agree with you again that as long as my husband continues to drink, things most likely will not get better and have a high chance of getting worse. I believe that if he was smart, he would stop drinking completely, and, if difficult for him, attend AA if he needs that support. His next best choice would be to limit his alcohol intake to 1-2 beers on the days he drinks, as there have never been any major consequences on the days when he has limited his intake to this amount. As a an alcoholic myself, I could not limit myself to 1-2 beers, and even if I did on some days, I would eventually make up for it another day. The choice is for him to make. I am being as supportive of him as I can, so that I know that I did everything I could if things do not work out. Another reason why I am happy we are moving out later in the year is that at least he will have an apartment to live in if things do not work out, as we are currently living in my parent's home. Even though he is an addict, I believe he has worked hard in his job to at least suffer with this disease with a roof over his head and not on the streets.

hopeful4

I just want to step in here and say that I offer my support and opinion, but in no way would I ever pull that support because someone makes different choices than I do. That is why we are all here, to support one another.

We all have to come to decisions about our relationships based on a lot of things, and certainly based on our own timelines. I know I certainly stayed in my own marriage way past the expire date LOL, but I had things I had to know. And honestly, it gave me peace in the end to know in my own head I had done every single thing to try. If it took longer than necessary, that's ok too. I cannot change the past. I have to be good with the here and now.

Every single day I say prayers for those on this forum, their families, their loved ones. I don't think I would have gotten through my darkest days without this forum and all of the support.

Tight Hugs. Addictions sucks, there is no doubt about that. However, we can all preserve our own sanity, together or separate with the right support.

XXX

HikerLady

Justbreathe, it's a rough road you are chosing because it dictates that you be vigilant about your independence and personal happiness. You will need to learn effective loving detachment so that you are not a prime target for the emotional abuse that is common with alcoholics. You MUST be responsible for anything that affects YOU. I am telling you this from the side of the wife of an A almost 25 years. The minute you CHOSE to stay is the minute you took on full responsibility for whatever fallout may come your way because of his alcoholism. Read read read, there is much to do to get you right and protect yourself. Buckle up, you are in for one heck of a ride until you fully accept him AS IS (doesn't mean condone,simply means you can't expect an alcoholic to behave like a normal person,their brains are wired to think about the drink and whatever gets in the way of that becomes the enemy no matter how illogical it seems to everyone else).

The more you attempt to monitor and/or control his drinking, the more you give him an excuse to drink (illogical,right? yep, that's the way it works). You can love him, care about him, heck,even respect him,what you cannot do is change who you are or what you want to keep him from drinking, it doesn't work that way anymore than all theseposts telling you to leave workon you . The absolute most loving thing you can do for him is to remain on the sidelines as a happy, whole and healthy wife who is capable of withstanding the rigors of the alcoholism AND/OR his sobriety if he ever choses it. It's akin to being married to someone with alzheimers yet with a potential of healing. A very lopsided version of marriage. YOU WILL be the only one able to deal with all the realities (and effectively deal you must otherwise it all crumbles..cleaning house, seeing that bills get paid, caring for the children,and potentially earning the only income (some A's can continue to hold a job into their retirement, some can't,it's a crapshoot).

SANTA, hmmm I don't think alcoholics come in nice,do they? I do struggle with spurts of insomnia (menopause and neck issues), so I'd be one pretty pissed off wife and the one thing my husband has learned from my recovery is that I do not mince words or bottle up anything anymore with him. I do not function well on lack of sleep and have no problem (not one ounce of guilt) not cooking,cleaning, shopping, ironing and absolutely would love nothing more than an impromptu camping trip to get more sleep. I love the man with all my heart but sleep is a boundary I will easily and quite happily enforce if he made my need to get it less than his need to argue...my priorities would change quite quickly.

FireSprite

I'm going to agree to disagree with this statement based on semantics alone - I would argue that your stopping drinking *IS* "treatment".

When we talk about the inevitability of addiction progressing without treatment (as in NW's post #11 in this thread) it doesn't mean anything more than WHATEVER works for each individual to get sober.

For MANY that help has to come from outside sources like rehab, AA, Celebrate Recovery, medical treatment or individual therapy. But definitely some are able to do it based on inner strength alone & that's awesome.

It appears that only 2 things can stop the progression of alcoholism: sobriety or death. You can try all kinds of tricks to slow that process, moderation, etc. but it *is* unavoidable that if one continues drinking in an alcoholic way, it WILL progress. Just my POV.

Santa

Yes HikerLady I do think your AH sounds nicer than mine. Maybe he is just not an angry guy. Loving detachment is impossible, sorry, when you are trying to read a book and a drunk is following you from room to room calling you a nasty b***ch.

BoxinRotz

AH was a giddy drunk up until he found himself half way into a big bottle and then he'd turn psychotic. Usually if I left him to it (no interference/detachment), I could get away with a half way peaceful night but sometimes, he would just go off in his head and he was beyond reckoning with. Almost like an Alzheimer patient who you can't consol/King Baby throwing a fit. You just know you're in for one long assed night!

Stung

This thread is pretty off track here but I used to be like you, from what you write in your original post. My husband would almost have attacks of alcoholism. At first it would happen once a month, then it became every Sunday (always Sundays!!) eventually he was just a psycho ** % of the time because he was drunk ** % of the time.

Had I come to this website any earlier than I did I would have dismissed everything that everyone was saying here. Hell, initially I DID dismiss about 90% of what everyone was saying here to me.

What I think you're missing here (and, IMO, I think there is some arguing for arguments sake going on in this thread) is that GENERALLY speaking alcoholism DOES progress. Does that apply to every single alcoholic ever? No, of course not. Is it likely that your alcoholic is special and won't progress? I'd bet no, your alcoholic spouse is probably like mine, who happens to be shockingly like every other alcoholic I've met and probably will progress and drink more frequently and higher volumes and will become more and more intolerable before seeking recovery/treatment.

So when someone says it's going to get worse, that's probably coming from their own personal experience and truth. In my own very humble opinion, I don't expect you to hear me because it's not bad enough for you yet. Good, I'm glad. I hope it doesn't get worse and I do hope you enjoy snuggling with your husband when he isn't drinking because what you're experiencing right now are the 'good ol' days'. I remember them very well. They were hell at the time but compared to the present it was a cake walk.