Husband Is Calm After Yesterday
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Stung, thank you for your reply. It is going to be a day by day thing for me. Things have been hunky dory since Monday with everything nice and calm because he has not been drinking. During this "off time," I have bit by bit talked to my husband about his drinking, and how it negatively affects our relationship. He does not really say anything in return, but I think he is hearing it. When I asked him if we can just watch football on Sunday and go to a movie on Monday (his days off) so that we would not be in alcohol saturated environments, he was agreeable to it and did not become defensive. I am taking this all day by day. As someone said, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
This is just a thought, but your husband might be a good candidate for a rational recovery approach. There are a couple of folks here who had a lot of success with that program and are very knowledgeable. Check out the secular connections forum for more info. My ex was never a good candidate for that particular method, but if your husband is actually amenable to your suggestions and really does stop drinking after you tell him four beers is enough then he might be.
Alanon is a great program for me, but nothing is for everyone. You may get more of the insight you're looking for from the folks who have been successful with rational recovery.
Alanon is a great program for me, but nothing is for everyone. You may get more of the insight you're looking for from the folks who have been successful with rational recovery.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Hi Lady,
My husband at the time is not agreeable or open to any form of treatment for his drinking, but thank you anyways for the suggestion. What I do know is that
my husband does not get belligerent if he has 2 or fewer beers. He SOMETIMES will listen to me and stop at that point under PARTICULAR circumstances, but in
other circumstances that are more alcohol saturated (parties, etc.) it is more difficult to get him to stop. When I first got sober years ago (when I was 18), I used AA and worked the steps and read the Big Book. I am happy with the 12 step approach, although I have had several relapses but am sober again. I still apply the principles I learned in AA to my present sobriety, and I am happy with the 12 step approach. I am also happy with the Al-Anon principles so far that I have been reading about. So, even for me, I am happy with the 12 step approach, and I am not looking for another treatment model at the time (but thank you for the suggestion).
My husband at the time is not agreeable or open to any form of treatment for his drinking, but thank you anyways for the suggestion. What I do know is that
my husband does not get belligerent if he has 2 or fewer beers. He SOMETIMES will listen to me and stop at that point under PARTICULAR circumstances, but in
other circumstances that are more alcohol saturated (parties, etc.) it is more difficult to get him to stop. When I first got sober years ago (when I was 18), I used AA and worked the steps and read the Big Book. I am happy with the 12 step approach, although I have had several relapses but am sober again. I still apply the principles I learned in AA to my present sobriety, and I am happy with the 12 step approach. I am also happy with the Al-Anon principles so far that I have been reading about. So, even for me, I am happy with the 12 step approach, and I am not looking for another treatment model at the time (but thank you for the suggestion).
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Gotcha. I guess I was thinking of your previous post where you had mentioned a "harm reduction" method. That goes along more with the rational recovery side. The stuff about not counting drinks or trying to monitor or control his intake is the Alanon approach.
Recovery is an individual endeavor, so if the 12 steps are working for you then that's all to the good.
Recovery is an individual endeavor, so if the 12 steps are working for you then that's all to the good.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Hi again,
I actually was checking out the secular recovery threads after your post and found them very interesting. So I wanted to clarify a few things. For my personal recovery for my own sobriety, I use the AA 12 step approach, although I do not go to meetings anymore. I love the 12 step approach, especially since I am a spiritual person and love to surrender to my Higher Power of my understanding. However, I am knowledgeable in psychotherapy, and so the cognitive behavioral interventions I know of probably help in my recovery as well (irrational beliefs, positive self talk, etc.) I also am very disciplined as to the foods that I eat, and I also exercise, which probably help as well. But this is MY recovery.
My husband is a different story. He does not like AA, the 12 steps, nor any other treatment ideas. Because I am with him daily and talk to him on a daily basis, he is getting chunks of this stuff however without even knowing it, so who knows if that has helped him in any way. The question becomes as to which "method" I am going to use to deal with his drinking problem. I have chosen Al-Anon because I like AA and the 12 step approach, so I believe there is a compatibility. I know that I try and control my husband's drinking in different ways, such as trying to control the environment he is in and helping to support him to stop after 2 beers. I do not believe, however, that this is incompatible with Al-Anon principles, as I know, ultimately, that I cannot control my husband and he has to make these changes for himself. I just believe that there is no harm in trying at the time, even though I know deep down inside that he should not be drinking at all. In other words, I am deep down not for a harm reduction approach, but that is all that I have at the time since my husband is not willing to stop drinking. If I truly believed he could moderate his drinking, then I would be more genuinely open to that approach.
I guess I could make a connection to my husband's drinking and dying. In a way, he is slowly dying, and I am choosing to stay by his side at the time. I am just trying to make the process as painless as possible, while still appreciating the good moments I still have with him.
I actually was checking out the secular recovery threads after your post and found them very interesting. So I wanted to clarify a few things. For my personal recovery for my own sobriety, I use the AA 12 step approach, although I do not go to meetings anymore. I love the 12 step approach, especially since I am a spiritual person and love to surrender to my Higher Power of my understanding. However, I am knowledgeable in psychotherapy, and so the cognitive behavioral interventions I know of probably help in my recovery as well (irrational beliefs, positive self talk, etc.) I also am very disciplined as to the foods that I eat, and I also exercise, which probably help as well. But this is MY recovery.
My husband is a different story. He does not like AA, the 12 steps, nor any other treatment ideas. Because I am with him daily and talk to him on a daily basis, he is getting chunks of this stuff however without even knowing it, so who knows if that has helped him in any way. The question becomes as to which "method" I am going to use to deal with his drinking problem. I have chosen Al-Anon because I like AA and the 12 step approach, so I believe there is a compatibility. I know that I try and control my husband's drinking in different ways, such as trying to control the environment he is in and helping to support him to stop after 2 beers. I do not believe, however, that this is incompatible with Al-Anon principles, as I know, ultimately, that I cannot control my husband and he has to make these changes for himself. I just believe that there is no harm in trying at the time, even though I know deep down inside that he should not be drinking at all. In other words, I am deep down not for a harm reduction approach, but that is all that I have at the time since my husband is not willing to stop drinking. If I truly believed he could moderate his drinking, then I would be more genuinely open to that approach.
I guess I could make a connection to my husband's drinking and dying. In a way, he is slowly dying, and I am choosing to stay by his side at the time. I am just trying to make the process as painless as possible, while still appreciating the good moments I still have with him.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Hi Justbreathe. Your husband sounds a lot like mine was (he's alive, we are no longer married). Adamantly opposed to AA or anything remotely spiritual. He listened to me too, for awhile, and was able to have some periods of sobriety during our marriage. He understood why he shouldn't drink, but unfortunately he never lost the desire for it. After increasingly short periods of sobriety, he would declare himself cured/able to moderate and allow himself 'just a glass of wine with dinner.' He was functional for many years - a respected professional - but ultimately could not sustain it.
My concern for you is this:
You're taking an awful lot on yourself. With your history I am sure you must know- you cannot correct his problem. You can talk to him, you can show him the effects, you can plead, I did it all...but it does not come down in any way to what you say to him. He has to want sobriety for himself. Good luck to you.
My concern for you is this:
The question becomes as to which "method" I am going to use to deal with his drinking problem.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Hi Santa,
Although the odds are against him, there is always the chance that he will get sober and get better. Some people have done it. If I reach my threshold before that happens, then I will obviously leave. But I have not reached that threshold yet. Similar to what I said in my previous post, he is sort of like a dying man, and I am savoring my last moments with him (at least that is what the odds would say), unless there is a miraculous cure.
Although the odds are against him, there is always the chance that he will get sober and get better. Some people have done it. If I reach my threshold before that happens, then I will obviously leave. But I have not reached that threshold yet. Similar to what I said in my previous post, he is sort of like a dying man, and I am savoring my last moments with him (at least that is what the odds would say), unless there is a miraculous cure.
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