LoveMeNow

Cynical One has a great blog with so much information on effects on children, manipulative relations, love addicts, codependency. I would encourage you to read there to gain some further insight. It was very helpful for me.

peaceofpi

Alcoholics already have another woman. Her name is "Budweiser."

Or Ivanab!tch. Or Patron. Once I realized that was his true love, I realized I was not.

myfreedom

How do you get there to that point? Im going to do some reading as others suggested. I know what I need to do just dont know how im getting there.

atalose

It doesn’t’ have to be by leaps and bounds – it’s just one foot in front of the other. It’s just one deep breath after another. It’s trying a different approach to life and then becoming comfortable with that.

We have become a society of instant gratification and sustainable major life changes don’t happen instantly. Be patient with yourself and proud of each moment you choose to do something different when it comes to your relationshipwith yourself and with the alcoholic in your life.

hopeful4

It is not even one day at a time, it is moments in time. Keep doing things to build up your own self esteem so you can see YOU DESERVE BETTER. Someone asked you, would you tell your child this is a happy and healthy relationship? Do you think your children can respect someone who treats other like he is, and do you think they can respect you if you accept that as your own marriage? You deserve more, your children deserve more. His texts are so manipulative it disgusts me. My XAH also does this. I have come to a point I just don't care because I am strong enough and educated enough to see it for what it is, an attempt at manipulation. Now it makes him really mad that he can no longer manipulate me b/c we are divorcing. Guess what, he can find someone else b/c I see that I will never be in that sort of relationsip again, ever. I want my kids to have happy marriages with men that treat them and their future children as they should be treated, with kindness and respect. I bet you want that for your kids too.

XXX

AZliving

He is manipulating you via texts. Your children know their Dad will only get worse, if he refuses to quit drinking altogether.

the insane part of this is, once I stopped drinking, my relationship with my kids is much better - I actually love to get out of bed and go to work. My whole life is much better, because I chose to stop the drinking.

He will have to get to the point of knowing he has a problem, and fixing his problem, before he can be a positive influence in your kids' lives.

myfreedom

The thing that gets me is, he thinks he has the problem under control because since the new year he has been drinking moderately, not out of control and maybe twice a week. He has stopped the pills, but still smokes weed. So now everything is ok in his book. That we will be ok because he is a different person now!!!!!!! His drinking is under control, everything is peachy!!!!!! He has me so mad right now.

hopeful4

It will continue to progress. Alcoholics cannot moderate, it just does not happen. My XAH tried that too. Question, let's say he could moderate. What would happen to your feelings? For me, the same anxiety, the same fears, the same everything was still there as long as those cans keep showing up. Put the focus back on YOU.

XXX

myfreedom

text i just recieved;
"Sometimes it seems you think you've done nothing wrong, and its all my fault...... we have both done damage to each other. That's what we need to let go of, and start fresh"
me - "but you still drinking is a problem on its own that continues to do damage"
him - " again its all my fault"!!!!!!

I am trying so hard not to respond but he is just pissing me off!!!!!!!!

ladyscribbler

No amount of logic is going to convince him that he has a problem. He is literally not capable of seeing that right now. Every time you respond he knows he has you on the hook. Can you block his number so you don't see every single text?
If you need to communicate about the kids, tell him to do it via email.

atalose

React a different way - turn off your phone!

suki44883

Turn off your phone! You are allowing him to **** you off and you are allowing him to keep you upset. You won't get to the point where you can get over this if you keep doing the things you have been doing. Stop communicting with him!

hopeful4

My XAH started to gaslight me last night via text (you do realize this is what he is doing to you, correct)? For a little bit I responded, then I realized what I was doing and just said, No More. Keep it about the kids. I then turned my phone off and got a good nights rest.

The stronger you become and the more you react in this way will do two things. One is eventually if he sees no reaction he will greatly stop what he is doing. Two is that each time you do this you will become stronger and more able to do so again.

XXX

itsmylifenow

Could he find another woman? Sure he could. But, right now he certainly doesn't want to give up the one person who he knows how to push her buttons and manipulate her.

It's impossible to have any kind of sane conversation with an alcoholic. They will always blame you for their drinking, for the damage that's being caused, for the bad weather...whatever! That's what they do.

You really need to step away from this with him so you can try and sort your feelings from the reality of the situation. Believe me they don't like to be ignored and they certainly don't like when their enablers leave them. That's why he's pulling all this manipulating crap on you.

As hard as it is, shut the phone off and any other way he has to contact you. One of the tools I learned from here was riding out the emotions you have like a wave. When that urge to respond or other feelings about him come over you, let them. But, take no action. You'll be surprised how the wave will subside and you'll still be okay. And you won't have continued to engage with him.

myfreedom

Thats exactly what he just texted me " you ignoring me now?". I havent answered the last two

suki44883

In addition to not answering, try not reading the texts. Just delete them or set your options to have them deliverd to your trash folder. Reading keeps you just as involved as does responding.

LoveMeNow

I swear they all have the same play book and it works because we allow it to.

Being in love with the dream, the fantasy kept me in denial.

Pills, alcohol and pot? Physical violence? Look at him through a 3rd parties eyes, not your own!

AZliving

Love him but let him go. Work on your relationship with your family and children.

myfreedom

I don't know how, don't know where to start, I just want to get to that point.

LoveMeNow

Have you considered therapy for you and the kids.....not him....just you and your children?
Alanon??

Did you read about trauma bonding yet?

Maybe suggesting to your husband that you need time to think (1 week or 2) and ask him for some space would be more comfortable then ignoring him. But remember, you get to call the shots for your life. But don't be surprised when he tries to exploit any of your insecurities. He knows them better then you. See them for what they are, just manipulation.