Things people said that helped
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And I just want to add to this that sometimes when I'm feeling week and codie-y, I go back and search for Cyranoak's posts. Because he calls'em like he sees'em and doesn't sugarcoat it. And there are days when I need that.
I have a fridge magnet with a little girl in Spiderman undies, and the text "Just put on your big girl pants and deal with it!" -- and even though there are days I think I need bigger big girl pants, that has taken me through many days. Not at all recovery related, but it still helps.
I have a fridge magnet with a little girl in Spiderman undies, and the text "Just put on your big girl pants and deal with it!" -- and even though there are days I think I need bigger big girl pants, that has taken me through many days. Not at all recovery related, but it still helps.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
"Get out of the alcoholic's way". When I started going to Alanon and heard this, listened to the stories and started applying this to my husband he then realized he had to get into rehab. It was tough for me to give up that "control" but it had to be done. He had to take responsibility for his own actions in order to get better. And this is a great lesson for many situations. Just get out of the way.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Very, very early in my recovery, before I had even learned detachment, my alcoholic, addicted BF looked me straight in the face as I was losing my head over whatever it was he had done this time, and said, "You. need. to. get. a. life." It was the harshest, cruelest thing I had ever been told, and I was thoroughly hurt and appalled that he had said that to me, but IT WORKED. Those six words provided the impetus for me to do just that, and I have never looked back.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
I think for me - this has largely been an intensely personal journey. There have been times where I feel like no one in my life understood what I was going through or feeling.
It wasn't so much what people said that affected me, because to be honest, people often told me to let it go and forget about him. But I think it was the realization I had one day.
I woke up from a dream one night and I was so upset that I was crying. I had had a dream that I had decided to call my ex, and I told someone in my dream this. The person responded that "it's too late". She then showed me my ex and he was lying dead in a coffin. I woke up shaking and crying uncontrollably. That next day, I called him.
My dream made me realize that only I will have to live with the consequences of my decisions. Many of my friends have tried to convince me to cut off contact, but I know that if anything should happen, I would be the only one grieving and living with the regret.
I can live with hardship, I can live with pain, I can even live with confusion and doubt. But I don't want to live my life with regret.
Panther
It wasn't so much what people said that affected me, because to be honest, people often told me to let it go and forget about him. But I think it was the realization I had one day.
I woke up from a dream one night and I was so upset that I was crying. I had had a dream that I had decided to call my ex, and I told someone in my dream this. The person responded that "it's too late". She then showed me my ex and he was lying dead in a coffin. I woke up shaking and crying uncontrollably. That next day, I called him.
My dream made me realize that only I will have to live with the consequences of my decisions. Many of my friends have tried to convince me to cut off contact, but I know that if anything should happen, I would be the only one grieving and living with the regret.
I can live with hardship, I can live with pain, I can even live with confusion and doubt. But I don't want to live my life with regret.
Panther
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Location: California
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I look at this one every day. Sometimes it makes me angry because it sounds so Pollyanna-ish. But it reminds me to focus on NOW and make it count.
One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering. ~ Ida Scott Taylor
Also Winston Churchill's quote: If you are going through hell, keep going!
Also, someone here on SR told me to simply expect my alcoholic to lie. That concept has helped me a lot.
One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering. ~ Ida Scott Taylor
Also Winston Churchill's quote: If you are going through hell, keep going!
Also, someone here on SR told me to simply expect my alcoholic to lie. That concept has helped me a lot.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Well I saw some pictures and my eyes look sad ... still, even when my life has improved greatly... I was next to a pretty friend who has vivacious eyes with a spark...
Then I stopped the self judgment and accepted my life as it has been and as it is now
It was very freeing.
I thought perhaps I just tend to melancholy and nostalgia, and still feel sad for some events, and its OK as long as I live life anyway
I thought: Yes, My friend Y looks super bright, but she has spent 28 years at home with her family, never gone abroad, never known any other place, has had the same boyfriend for years, the same friends and the same neighbors, has not lived anything traumatic, does not have any hobby or outside interest, her topics are makeup and pop artists.
I have walked more, perhaps.. and its OK... self acceptance...
Then I stopped the self judgment and accepted my life as it has been and as it is now
It was very freeing.
I thought perhaps I just tend to melancholy and nostalgia, and still feel sad for some events, and its OK as long as I live life anyway
I thought: Yes, My friend Y looks super bright, but she has spent 28 years at home with her family, never gone abroad, never known any other place, has had the same boyfriend for years, the same friends and the same neighbors, has not lived anything traumatic, does not have any hobby or outside interest, her topics are makeup and pop artists.
I have walked more, perhaps.. and its OK... self acceptance...
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: boston ma
Posts: 70
Great thread!
After years of struggling with decision to leave or stay with craziness of living w/ alcoholic, I was so ver afraid. Really terrified of future and loss of dream for family. Anyway, at alanon another girl said:
The shitstorm is over.
So simple but really hit me. There was not much to fear because I already made it through feeling rejected, unloved, unappreciated, sad, like a failure. So in moving away from the disease- it's all up from here. The shitstorm has passed. There is damage that can be cleaned up. It will NEVER be that bad again. I learned lessons and even if another "storm" comes, I know how to prepare and protect myself.
In every experience there is a lesson. We either learn it, or we get to try again.....
God bless to all- these posts have helped save me and my girls!
After years of struggling with decision to leave or stay with craziness of living w/ alcoholic, I was so ver afraid. Really terrified of future and loss of dream for family. Anyway, at alanon another girl said:
The shitstorm is over.
So simple but really hit me. There was not much to fear because I already made it through feeling rejected, unloved, unappreciated, sad, like a failure. So in moving away from the disease- it's all up from here. The shitstorm has passed. There is damage that can be cleaned up. It will NEVER be that bad again. I learned lessons and even if another "storm" comes, I know how to prepare and protect myself.
In every experience there is a lesson. We either learn it, or we get to try again.....
God bless to all- these posts have helped save me and my girls!
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I heard a good one last night.
There are our expectations of what our life should be (holding her hand up high)
There is our life (holding her other hand lower)
And the space in between is our suffering.
That really struck me, and helped me to come back to myself.
There are our expectations of what our life should be (holding her hand up high)
There is our life (holding her other hand lower)
And the space in between is our suffering.
That really struck me, and helped me to come back to myself.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
I was looking for a quote I heard on "change", but found this instead. I think it sums up how I feel about my program:
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl
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Matt, knowing who Victor Frankl is makes that statement even stronger: He was in Theresienstadt, and used his position as a prison doctor to help prevent suicide by trying to imbue the prisoners with a will to survive.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
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Me: But how, how do you know that things will ever get better? How do you even know there is a higher power?
Ann: Blind Faith, that is how.
After trying to work the steps and I just couldn't grasp it, those two words will stay with me forever. They became the glue that held me together.
Ann: Blind Faith, that is how.
After trying to work the steps and I just couldn't grasp it, those two words will stay with me forever. They became the glue that held me together.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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I'm not sure that I have any specific quotes, though it is people here who have absolutely helped me grow immensely and who have challenged me in ways I never would have imagined (this is a good thing!) and helped me more than I could have imagined....
But of the ideas that stick in my mind that have been most signficant here:
"what are you getting out of this?" (asked of me when I felt I was trapped with no choices in a bad situation and the reality is that there is ALWAYS a choice and staying in an untenable situation is done in part bc something about it was working for me- usually keeping me from having to take a fearful step)
"would you want your daughters living like this?"
and this is not from here but from a high school teacher years ago who taught an outward bound type class and at the end of the year gave us all patches to sew on packs or whatever... and it read "plus est en vous" and he went on to explain that he'd been given this quote at some point and what it meant to him and what he hoped it would mean to us all was that there is ALWAYS more in each of us than we think and if we push ourselves hard enough we will find that we can do what we are striving to, no matter how difficult it is is...
Turns out he's absolutely right!
But of the ideas that stick in my mind that have been most signficant here:
"what are you getting out of this?" (asked of me when I felt I was trapped with no choices in a bad situation and the reality is that there is ALWAYS a choice and staying in an untenable situation is done in part bc something about it was working for me- usually keeping me from having to take a fearful step)
"would you want your daughters living like this?"
and this is not from here but from a high school teacher years ago who taught an outward bound type class and at the end of the year gave us all patches to sew on packs or whatever... and it read "plus est en vous" and he went on to explain that he'd been given this quote at some point and what it meant to him and what he hoped it would mean to us all was that there is ALWAYS more in each of us than we think and if we push ourselves hard enough we will find that we can do what we are striving to, no matter how difficult it is is...
Turns out he's absolutely right!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Chicago, il
Posts: 14
This forum helped me so much and truly affected the way I dealt with the breakup of my alcoholic ex. If I could re-post every single comment I would as each response to my initial post contributed to my healing. There were so many people that told me how strong I was for walking away and how healthy this would be for my life as a whole. One of the users on this forum told me "life will be beautiful again. You are still writing your own story. This is a passing storm... mourning is difficult, dealing with change is difficult, mourning an alcoholic is even more difficult, but its a process, and at the end of it there is forgiveness, acceptance and letting go.... there is peace." (thanks takingcharge999!!)
Life will be beautiful again. Those words stuck with me and I still tell myself that every so often. Lately, I haven't had to tell myself that as much because I can see finally that life is beautiful once again. I'm moving on, I'm happy, and I'm grateful for all that I have in my life. I can honestly say that my life feels more full of love now than it ever did when I was living with my alcoholic ex. My friends and family are so supportive and made the healing process move much more smoothly, but if it weren't for this forum I'm not sure I'd be doing as well as I am. It's different when you can get advice from people who know exactly what you're going through, because they've been there.
I posted on this forum for the first time when I was at my lowest of lows. I posted here because i had nothing else left. I had nowhere else to turn I needed to know that I was going to be ok. And I'm so grateful for that, because with the support of everyone on this forum I can now see how beautiful life can be. And I thank you all for that. I hope that I can continue to post on here and to try and give others the same advice that you all gave me, because if it weren't for that who knows where I'd be now.
I hope that everyone can see how beautiful life can be once you've found the freedom were all desperately looking for.
Life will be beautiful again. Those words stuck with me and I still tell myself that every so often. Lately, I haven't had to tell myself that as much because I can see finally that life is beautiful once again. I'm moving on, I'm happy, and I'm grateful for all that I have in my life. I can honestly say that my life feels more full of love now than it ever did when I was living with my alcoholic ex. My friends and family are so supportive and made the healing process move much more smoothly, but if it weren't for this forum I'm not sure I'd be doing as well as I am. It's different when you can get advice from people who know exactly what you're going through, because they've been there.
I posted on this forum for the first time when I was at my lowest of lows. I posted here because i had nothing else left. I had nowhere else to turn I needed to know that I was going to be ok. And I'm so grateful for that, because with the support of everyone on this forum I can now see how beautiful life can be. And I thank you all for that. I hope that I can continue to post on here and to try and give others the same advice that you all gave me, because if it weren't for that who knows where I'd be now.
I hope that everyone can see how beautiful life can be once you've found the freedom were all desperately looking for.
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