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Old 04-19-2010, 01:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Does the lying ever stop?

I've recently joined SR and have been reading through posts, but this is the first time I've posted.

I've been with my AH for a total of 16 years. 2 years ago, though, I left taking our amazing DS with me when he refused to acknowledge that he needed help with his drinking and we needed help with our marriage. 9 months ago he moved in with 'a friend' he was 'renting a room from' and her 2 boys. He told her we're divorced; he told me she's dating some one else. I knew he was lying, I called him on it and cut contact back to meeting him at a friend's house to drop off or pick up DS.

I've been attending Al-Anon and getting counselling - I've still got a lot of work to do.

Just over a month ago he had an episode at work that ended up helping him realize he needed help and went into a 28-day program. While working through the 28-day program he called a couple times and indicated that we need to talk: he now knows how much he's hurt me and DS, wants to make up for the years, etc.

He told me he gets back early tomorrow morning. I found out via her post on FB that he actually gets back today - in about an hour...

He's been dry now for over a month, sounded so much clearer than he had in years, and yet he's still lying. I know recovery takes years, the first 6 months to 1 year are the most difficult with the greatest chance for relapse, but does the lying ever stop??

I'd attributed his lying to the alcoholism, but I'm beginning to think I was wrong. That belief is just another facet of my naivety and symptom of how I've allowed his alcoholism to affect me?
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Old 04-19-2010, 01:55 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Lying isn't limited to alcoholics, but active A's do lie. A month dry is different than a month sober and working a program. Either way though a month isn't very long.

Maybe a recovered A could answer your question.
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Old 04-19-2010, 02:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I believe that even if my AH was to stop drinking today and never have a drink again, it would take him very long time to stop lying to me. As I see he's too used to it, he can't function around me any other way, it's his defence mechanism. In my opinion the person who is quitting drinking has so many issues to deal with, kind of learn everything from the beginning and it is unreasonable to think s/he can do it all at once.
I even think it'd be easier for my AH to stop drinking than stop lying to me, as I know deep inside he must know I'm the one he has failed the most, and that must be the hardest one to face, as by doing it he'd have to take full responsibility for everything he did... and in our case I don't think that's likely to happen ever... But if I were you, I'd give him some time, cause the way I see it you have nothing to loose...
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Old 04-19-2010, 03:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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mine is active but when he was sober for 90 days he still lied. there were so many lies i later found out about that I felt I had no idea who i married even though I was with him for 10 years.
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Old 04-19-2010, 03:26 PM   #5 (permalink)
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well, in my experience, the lying continues even without the drink.

see, it's so much easier to lie than deal with reality. yours is still lying to you. take note!

why not get on with your life? i mean, he's moved in with someone else and lied about it. what more do you need to know? he's saying he needs to talk and also lying about his release date!

none of this are healthy signs of someone wanting to make amends.

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Old 04-19-2010, 03:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR. Glad you have decided to post what is going on in your recovery from an unhealthy relationship. Others can gain strength from your journey and take comfort that they are not alone.

I definitely agree with what has been said in that 28 days is hardly enough time to roll out the welcome wagon on recovery. He has received the tools to maintaining sobriety and now it is up to him to put them into practice. From the sound of it, he has not gotten off on the best foot since he couldn't even tell the truth about the particulars of his leaving rehab.

Could it be that he is just laying the ground work by reaching out to you in case his current situation doesn't work out. Considering he's probably lying to her too.

Whatever the drama he's trying to stir up, ignore it. You have a life to keep living that he is no longer allowed to muck up.

I wish you and your DS the very best!

Alice
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Old 04-19-2010, 04:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Cool

Welcome to this great forum!!

A lier is exactly what a woman needs.... NOT.

That is a deal breaker isn't it?

I am with ItsMeAlice.. he is lying to he "friend" too, so maybe this woman is starting the separation process, and who else has put up with his lying? you... so here he comes saying whatever he needs to say to get you give him another chance. Or at least a roof above his head.

I say that is proof enough nothing has changed for him. Not yet at least.

Here many find sanity going No Contact. No answering the phone. No peeking on his FB or his lover's FB. No time/space rented in your head.

No Contact has been the best healer for me. He can lie to anyone he wants, its obvious he doesn't want to change that. Let him keep lying... to with someone else.

Congratulations on taking that difficult decision, I'm glad your kid and you are safe now. Keep the madness away from home.... otherwise your kid will grow up learning its ok to lie to his girlfriend or wife. Or anyone for that matter.

PS Thanks for sharing this as I sometimes get the strange idea my alcoholic Ex is a different person with another partner. It doesn't change anything really, but I find it easier to let go when I know there was a reason I left and that his denial is not mine, I CAN see reality.

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Old 04-19-2010, 04:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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From my experience, each month/year that a person is in recovery they change. Sounds like he just isn't ready to face the truth of things at this time. But another fact is also true, once the A is out of their system and things clear up ( which begins around month 6 and continues from there) the real person shows up. Some traits change and others remain.

Only you can determine what lies mean to you and how you will deal with them.
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Old 04-19-2010, 04:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Lying can last a life time

Man,

I have been a liar for a very long time. I am 55 and just understanding the weight of my lies and exaggerations. I think it was a type of survival technique for me since I was always living life like a poker game....always trying to win something.....however, I am learning real quick how much I can be honest and still laugh from the heart...it feels so good. A very real part of my personal inventory.
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Old 04-19-2010, 04:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Old 04-19-2010, 05:04 PM   #11 (permalink)
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welcome to sr, uncertainty.

reading between the lines here, but it sounds a little like you are entertaining a notion that you may reconcile with your husband. my word of caution would be: don't put the cart before the horse.

the addict in my life lied to me after getting sober. he is just emotionally very immature (not name-calling; he really is) and when that is going on, he cannot function like a mature adult would who believes that "I did a bad thing". Instead he believes "I am bad" like a 5 to 10 year old would. So the lying thing would kick in when there was something shameful involved. He continues to get more honest, but it's a slow road.
the more sobriety, the more the self-esteem increases, the more he accepts that he is a flawed but still worthy human being, and the more he truly wishes to have healthy relationships, the more it should improve. in the meantime, i have moved on.

IF your husband is truly remorseful, and wishes to make ammends, more power to him. You have no reason nor obligation to resume your relationship, move in together, or even start having conversations. if i were in your shoes, i would meet with him, as it could be a healing thing to hear what he has to say. but whatever you think, hope, wonder, about your future together, proceed very slowly
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Old 04-19-2010, 05:54 PM   #12 (permalink)
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addiction brings on a lot of shame, they lie in order to lessen the shame of the continued messes they make.
It's a false sense of self preservation and not personal.

It's wrong and sick, but tis what is tis
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Old 04-19-2010, 06:07 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Hello Uncertainty,

Welcome to the forum. I am very glad you found this place.
I will tell you my experience as a recovering alcoholic.
When I finally said the words, "My name is Beth, and I am an alcoholic", that is when the lies ended. It was at the intake to my 6 week inpatient rehab. I broke down and cried, cause I knew I no longer needed to lie to myself or anyone else.
The relief was monumental, like I had hiked for years with 100 pounds on my back, and finally put it down. I felt very light.
If he is lying about something like the actual day he got out of rehab, I think he could still be playing the odds with you and the other woman who is facebooking his progress.

You know when I started to lie to myself again?
It was about my addicted ex husband, and the effect his illness and lies would have on our children. Tread very carefully, and if you smell something bad, your gut starts to churn, listen to it. Your senses are telling you the truth, certainly better than any alcoholic can.

Thank you.
Beth
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:29 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Thanks to everyone here. I'm glad to have found SR and appreciate your support, honesty and that you're helping me remember to take it slow and check reality.
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Old 04-20-2010, 03:07 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Could it be that he is just laying the ground work by reaching out to you in case his current situation doesn't work out. Considering he's probably lying to her too.(Alice)


This happened to me . Be very careful. Stay true to what you want from a relationship -not what he needs from you.

Hugs
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Old 04-20-2010, 03:14 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Welcome Uncertainty. Glad you found us.
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Old 04-20-2010, 03:32 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I would be very wary for the next 6 months at least, that is if he lasts that long.

I guess if my bloke told me a lie about the day he was coming out of rehab, I would be interested in finding out where he was for that day and night. Sharing him with his recovery work is one thing, sharing him with some other chick, no way and goodbye.

You are his wife, and you have a right to know.

Personally, if he is so into this woman, that she knows his every move better than you do, why not let her "support" him thru recovery.

Sorry love, something pongs in his behavior.

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Old 04-20-2010, 08:27 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Man, the lying is brutal isn't it? I used to accept the little white lies. But the more I pulled the little thread, the more it unwound, the more I saw that it was one gigantic web of lies, so complicated and obstructive that one has to take a very large step back in order to see the sheer magnitude of it. Only then did I see the truth - namely that everything this person was about, was all lies. Lies on top of lies on top of even bigger lies. This is what enables the addiction to continue and grow.

It's a real chicken or the egg thing. Did the person become addicted because it is a personality trait within he/she to lie and manipulate, or did the addiction cause it? To be sure, one feeds the other, and it likely doesn't matter where it all started.

Does it go away? Not in my experience.
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