Charlie72

I posted first in the Newcomers Board and I got a lot of welcoming replies. Some directed me to this board, and this is probably where I belong. Feeling all alone with people in my life expecting me to fall, expecting me to recover. I feel like I'm still recovering from an overdose 18 days ago, but I haven't used since then. Day in and day out, I'm grateful that I'm not where I was 18 days ago, but I find myself rationalizing, and making the oh so familiar excuses to run out and get high "just once". That, of course, is what is always getting me into trouble. I'm finding things that I have left behind, and I'm so tempted, so freaking tempted. After 23 years of drug abuse, I feel that I'm never going to find my way out, unless I kill myself first. Feel like I was meant to live this life. I had been clean for 8 months when I relapsed in March. The last five months have been a living hell. I tried again at the end of May to get it all back together, but it hasn't worked. The heroin just takes hold, and just doesn't seem to let go. It's hard to keep friends, and hard to keep men in my life. No one wants a junkie! I have tried to go to NA meetings, actually only one. I stood at the back of the room for 10 minutes before I decided to walk out. I know I could really use a sponsor, but hard to get myself to go and find one. Looking for any support that I can get.....

MagdaM

hmm i don't wanty to say i can understand. i don't know you--but i am a junkie too. for at least a third of my life. i don't have 18 days. i don't have any days. and you seem to ahve been using for as long as i've been alive--but i understand that pull. the desire to fail. i think you'll find a lot of people here who understand lots of other things too. it's hard as heel to even want to get help, and as a newbie to all this myself i know its easy to feel out of place in a group that can be as tight-knit and sometimes dogmatic sounding as NA. but even to me it looks like you're going in the right direction. pretty soon i bet someone older and wiser than me will be along to help. but for now i can say "you're not alone" and i wish you the best.

--magdalena

Phinneas

Welcome to SR, Charlie. Yes, this is a great place for support!

I, too, at one time thought that the only way out of my addiction (opiate addict here) was death. The heart-breaking fact is that many of us don't make it. No one has to die, but the ones who do remind us that this disease kills.

There is another way out. When I hit that point when I believed that death was the only answer was when I hit - not bottom (I hit too many of those to count), but surrender. I gave up. I gave up trying to live and I gave up trying to die. I gave up trying to do it on my own.

I found hope and support and tools to get me through each hour of each day in the rooms of AA and NA. There is an answer. We do recover. Believe that, because it's true. I have almost 300 days clean and sober. In that short amount of time, I got my career back (better than before), a beautiful, loving relationship, and I am a responsible member of society again. I have friends today. The gifts of recovery are amazing and defy description. You have to experience them for yourself. But, believe me, they are there.

Give yourself the chance, Charlie. All it takes is willingness. Just by posting here, you've already demonstrated your willingness. Good for you! Hang in there and keep posting, ok? We are all pulling for you.

hugs,

--phinny

Gooch

Welcome Charlie

it never was the 2nd or 3rd or umpteenth hit that got the train wreck started . It was the first one. Every time I had a couple hrs, or a day or week clean caving in to that pull of the first one was what took me out of the recovery process.

I dunno about anybody else but I've proved to myself time and time again that I can't use socially, or sucessfully. I've allready fallen for the lie when I grab the first hit.

No matter what happens I have a choice to pick up that first one or..... go to a meeting, do some step work, read the literature, call somebody in my network of friends and NA family, get on here to read spome posts or drop the garbage I'm carrying ..

funny when I look at it this way ...that one choice to not cave in opens up so many choices as to how I will get through the rough spot that had me craving.

I hope you can keep making the choice not to use no matter what .. you got a hell of a start.

shockozulu

I remember my visit to the hospital for an OD. I went back to using less than 4 hours after I got home. 18 days impresses me A LOT!

I have found that coming clean left me feeling just as you do at times...but those times do pass. Meetings do help, even if I don't care about getting myself help, they pass time. Stupid TV that tells stories like Forensic Files help time pass (especially half hour shows that I can keep track of), as do some video games like the MYST series that tell stories. Going to movies help, because I will not let myself drive stoned I must remain sober throughout the movie to get home. Find what works for you, but spend your minutes looking. Even that takes time and that time is no longer on your state of mind.

Just live one minute at a time if you need too, at this moment, I'm literally living one second at a time right now, but another second just passed.

MagdaM

seconds. absolutely. but do keep doing it. you're seconds are already shorter than they were 16 days ago or 10 or 2 right?

jazpoppy

I am a 28 year old junkie. I hate the work "junkie" but that's what I am. I do believe that most of the "junk" is in my head. I have to get that junk out of me, so i can be an ex-junkie, and then someday just be me. I use the excuse of chronic pain to use. I tell myself its ok, i need it for the pain, which i do need pain relief, but there sure as hell is a better way then stuffing myself full of narcotics, to the point of puking and praying to God that I don't die. I am with you Charlie. I have OD'd a few times, and a couple times I was so sick and embarrased that I stayed home and sweat it out, puking till my tongue turned white, I swear, but I always told myself I would never do it again, but then I forget and the "junk" takes over. Gotta win the fight. Gotta talk to people, sober people, meetings, forums (especially SR!), family, co-workers, whatever it takes to keep you from slipping into isolation and drug use again. I want to come out of the dark and stay in the light just as bad as you do. Lets hope and pray that we make it one more day clean. I can only look at today, and if I make it through today, I am surely proud and happy. Charlie, you're not alone. I don't understand why this sh#$ pulls us in and promises to make everything alright, then turns its back on us, why does it want us dead? I don't know, but I don't want to let it win. I am going to keep checking back here throughout the day today, I had gone away for a little while, not feeling worthy of posting to this site because of a recent relapse, but now I know that I am not any different than any other addict trying to stay clean, so I NEED to come here and read, post, do what it takes. If you want to PM me, I'll be sure to answer. Take care.

Love;

Jocelyn

Luckyv2

My name is Vic and I am a recovering JUNKIE, and I for one am grateful that you are here, this is not at all normal for us to do, we are addicts and that is what we do. But we can recover one heartbeat at a time, if we really want to. I don't know if I always want to but I have done it now for 132 days now and it is not easy at all, it has gotten a little easier but I always say just one and I know that is just ****en BS.
We are probably right where we need to be and that is ok today, I still think that it would be different not all of the time but it does come to my mind once in a while. If it didn't sh!t I wouldn't need to be here, LOL. So now what are we going to do about it, go to meetings, don't use, get and use a sponsor, read the literature, forget oh yea the thing that saves our lives WORK THE STEP!!!!!!

Love Vic

bzlt

I had a few year fight with heroin. It has been 5 years since i have even seen it (thank god) it is a very hard drug to put down and you probably know this so I will not preach to you. Hang in there, get a sponser, and get to MEETINGS NOW. They will help I promise. It will get easier It has to. Please take care of yourself.
brian d addict