sturpin

I am soooooooooo excited its been almost 3 months since I have used. I found a pill the other day (no clue where it had come from cause God knows when I was using, I kept up with every single pill).....I seriously sat and looked at the pill and thought IF i take this I will feel better, and nobody will know any different...As I looked at that pill I said YES someone will know and its actually the person who matters the most ME!! I put the pill back in the bottle was going to find out from everyone in house where it came from...seems it was in some of our camping gear we use on bike rallys....the pill got flushed down the toilet, but it sat in the bottle for a day..I wasnt considering taking it anymore, but I wanted to prove to self that I WAS and AM stronger than the pill.

NOW comes the vent part...as I have said before my signifcant other is a long timer with AA he is an alcoholic and addict 22 years clean and sober...I went to my Drug Rehab counselor tuesday, she told me she has seen such wonderful growth and progress and I was a "model client" meaning I bring what I have to the table, am open to her suggestions...etc...(not that I am better than any other client....I went to drug rehab on self referral, most that come there are court ordered)...I was happy and proud that someone saw progress besides me and told my s/o...his reply shocked me, hurt me and now i'm pissed off royally...he said "its easy to ask for help, but hard to continue" I totally disagree, it was NOT easy for me to admit I needed help...was not easy for me to open up to strangers about my addiction it was NOT easy to stop using....he also said you knew of many programs last year but didnt go (I did/do go to AA meetings with him) my reply to him was did i think i had a problem last year NO...did i think i had a problem when i was busted? NO.....when i admitted to myself that I was an addict...I sought help..
thanks for allowing me to vent...sometimes its easier to get feelings out in writiing why do i continue to feel a let down in his eyes? And in all reality...what does it matter what he thinkgs? Isnt it all about how we are doing with our recovery?

Any advise?
Sue

Paulie

Sue

Congrats on your clean time, that is awesome, and congrats on tossing that pill.

A few months ago all kinds of thoughts of using were going through my head, by the grace of God I picked up the phone and called my sponsor. I told her I work from home alone, no one would ever know...she said 'you would know, and God would know'. WOW that stopped me in my tracks.

As for your s/o, comments like that have nothing to do with you, I know it hurts but don't take them personally. IMO when someone makes comments like that to bring another down it is due to some lack in themselves. 22 years sober, that is great but that does not make him perfect or his program perfect, there is no such thing. We are all human and we do and say things that can hurt others.

You just keep up the great worki.

Andygirl

Great job with flushing that pill. I don't think I could do it at this point. I hope none are lingering around (I'm sure I would have found them if they were, as obsessed as I am).

I don't know about your guy and his sobriety or his advice. I think you should go to a meeting and get your advice there. It sounds like he's being judgmental about things, and that's not going to help you at all. You have a lot to be proud of, and if he doesn't see that you need to find some people who do.

One freaking day at a time, baby. One minute at a time sometimes, for me.

sturpin

thank you both for your support. I just needed to unload that sometimes just getting it out helps.

Andygirl, stay strong...I found this pill 2 months after i stopped using...so dont be surprised where one might show up....cause I know the day after I stopped the withdrawal or detox was hell...i turned everything upside down looking for just 1 more to get me through it....and by the Grace of God I didnt find one...until I was over that.. in fact the pill the other week was actually the 2nd I have found since being clean...and Paulie I know what you meant....cause those were my exact thoughts..."nobody will know" ha...we continue to try to fool ourselves only.

Keep up the good work Andygirl....your head appears straight on...and soon you will be celebrating a whole month...two etc...

Sue

namommy

Sturpin,

Congrats on your recovery, Congrats on getting rid of that pill, Congrats on having growth that is recognizable.

One thing I had to learn, and it was a lesson that really sucked. The people who are closest to us during our active addiction don't realize it, but when we are using they can feel important. We are needy, and that makes them feel needed. We are manipulative and cause harm, and that gives them the abilty to play the martry(sp). In this case it also sounds like he was the 'recovering role model" (at least in his head) and you were the junkie. By getting clean you took all of those things away. Now, he has to focus on himself and the role he played in it and that can be hard. Sometimes we put others down to try to build ourselves up (Like Paulie said). Don't take it personal.

Hold your head high and walk with pride. What you did IS hard. I once heard someone say that the first year is a gift. BULLSH*T, I worked my A$$ off that first year. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. Be proud of yourself and accept the compliments from your counselor. Pat yourself on the back.

I'm proud of you!